Ten products to avoid when passing through airport security

by Scott Carmichael on

The Transportation Security Administration spends millions of Dollars each year trying to inform airline passengers what to leave at home, and how to safely pack things.

We should all know by now that liquids come with restrictions, and that swords and other dangerous items will be taken away from you.

Now, these guidelines can be a little vague, so we have compiled ten products that will probably get you in trouble at the airport. Remember, this isn’t an open invitation to taunt the TSA!


The TSA absolutely loves offensive T-Shirts. And by “loves”, I mean hates.

Nothing is more entertaining at the airport checkpoint than a really insulting t-shirt. In fact, they love them so much, that they may have airport cops arrest you, and force you to wear a different shirt.

Yes – the T-Shirt picture above is real, and there is indeed a real site where you can order it. It’s just one of many really offensive shirts being sold at tshirthell.com. $19 will get you your very own very offensive shirt, and a chance at being Tasered at the airport.

Pick the blue wire

Harmless alarm clock, or surefire way to get pushed up against a wall with your legs spread. You feeling lucky enough to try and find out? (On sale at Amazon.co.jp for just under 3000 Yen).

This is actually an alarm clock that requires you to disarm it by plugging the wires in using a sequence shown by lights. It is made for people who have a bit of a hard time waking up in the morning.



Make your own bomb guides

Here is one that doesn’t cost anything more than a couple of pages of printouts.

If your bag is being searched, and the agent comes across a stack of “make your own bomb” guides, do you think you will a) make your flight or b) not make your flight. (Hint, pick B).

Dirty bomb emergency kit

I’m sure you could come up with 20 different reasons why you are carrying a dirty bomb nuclear decontamination kit in your luggage.

Sadly, none of those reasons will help get you back to the US mainland, and it is a really long swim from Gitmo. (Image from Nukepills.com, where this handy kit sells for $249.99).


Personal doomsday detonator

To you, this is just a 4 port USB Hub, to Mr. Officer, this is a bomb detonator.

If they find this, don’t make any sudden moves, and whatever you do, don’t flip the cover open to press the detonator button. (On sale at Thinkgeek.com for $39.99)


Designed for a really explosive wakeup call

I’m not an X-Ray specialist, so I have no idea how this will show up on the TSA screens. But somehow, I don’t think they’ll find it as funny as we do.

This is obviously a gag gift, so if you want to really piss someone off, gift wrap it, and tell them to open it once they reach their destination.

Yes sir – I’m just naturally curious about radiation and dirty bombs

Unless you have a student ID showing your related studies or an employee badge for a national lab, you’d better have a great story for the screener that finds these books.

They may look like harmless reading material to you and I (and they are), but $10 says any number of these titles will get you pulled aside for some extra special screening.

The fake grenade USB memory drive

These USB hand grenades probably won’t look too authentic on the X-Ray machine, but they’ll sure make for a funny gag when your bag is being searched.

And by funny gag, I mean pain in the ass. Security personnel don’t take too kindly to fake grenades, and if you catch them on a bad day, you may end up being involved in a terminal scrub. Other things to avoid are grenade replicas or disarmed grenades.


Nothing says “strip search” faster than rubbing bomb making products on your belongings

Ever had your belongings “swabbed”? The security agent will rub your laptop or other item with a swab, then stick it in an expensive machine that says “ping”.

At least, in most cases it should say ping, because when that red light starts flashing, it’s telling them you have bomb residue on the item. Know someone with a heart condition? Don’t borrow one of their patches to rub it all over your laptop. It’ll end badly for everyone involved.

Jacket + wires = fighter jet escort

It was back in 2004, back when everyone was a little more security aware than they are today. A Saudi woman was on board Delta Airlines flight 43, on its way to the US when it got flanked by fighter jets, diverted and forced to land. All because of a jacket with a couple of wires.

To the untrained eye, it looked like a suicide bomb jacket, to everyone else, it was just a winter coat with internal warming pads. Or how about airline passenger/tech student Star Simpson back in 2007 – her art project/fashion statement also combined wires, lights and batteries, and it nearly got her shot at Boston Logan airport. Of course, this idiot was also holding a piece of Playdough, so the combination really could have been a problem.


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Passenger’s bathroom dash causes panic on United flight

by Alison Brick on

You know when you’ve just downed your water bottle before reaching airport security? And you didn’t have time to use the airport bathroom? And then the plane is delayed on the tarmac?

Yeah, even then…don’t use the airplane toilet before takeoff.

One passenger learned the hard way yesterday. United Flight 22 had already left the gate at Los Angeles International Airport, but hadn’t taken off yet, and the man needed to use the toilet. But of course the fasten seat belt sign was on and a flight attendant told him to sit down.

He got up and ran to the toilet anyway.

I could easily imagine that happening. In my mind, it’s more of a personal emergency and not a threat to public safety.

But apparently, the flight crew didn’t think so. The plane was brought back to the gate. Once there, the man was escorted out, and the other passengers were let off the plane. Then, the plane was searched.

What did they find? Nothing. Nothing on the plane. Nothing in the man’s luggage. Nothing but proof that the passenger really needed to use the toilet.
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Ten of the sexiest commercials in airline history

by Scott Carmichael on

Last year, we compiled a list of vintage airline commercials, and since the Internet is full of some of the greatest commercials commissioned by airlines, we picked “sexiest airline commercials” as the topic of this top ten lineup.

The list has some vintage clips (Southwest Airlines hotpants) and some pretty recent stuff. So, sit back and enjoy these ten sexiest airline commercials.

Virgin Atlantic 25th anniversary video


This commercial is brilliant – it takes all the best (and the worst) of 1984 to celebrate 25 years of Virgin Atlantic

Air New Zealand “Nothing To Hide”

Bodypainted cabin crew members, and a cameo appearance by the CEO of the airline.

Southwest Airlines

Remember before Southwest Airlines? We didn’t have hostesses in hotpants. And now we still don’t, but at least they don’t charge for checking a bag. Though if I’m honest, I’d probably prefer the hotpants.

Airport metal detector prank

Alright, so it isn’t for an airline, and it isn’t even for a product remotely related to flying, but it has long been one of the most popular commercials involving an airport.

Silverjet

Seriously? Using a lesbian mile high romp to advertise your airline? Sadly, the airline only lasted two years before they realized that their all business class service couldn’t survive in the new economy.

Fake airline, funny commercial

This commercial for “Lynx Airlines” was made in 2008.Obviously it isn’t for a real airline, but it does mimic the services Ryanair said they’d offer in Business Class should they ever start flying transatlantic.

National Airlines “Go Go vacations”

They really don’t make them like this any more – because if they did, someone would probably sue.

If you wanted to sleep with him, you would have married him

Not every sexy airline commercial involves a stewardess in hotpants.

“I just love a man in a JetBlue uniform”

These girls love pilots – but only JetBlue pilots. Talk about being picky.

Nothing says awkward like exposing yourself to your inlaws.

(Warning, may not be suitable for work). This is one of those commercials that was clearly devised before the ad agency had a taker, because nothing in the clip is even remotely aviation related. That doesn’t prevent it from being hilarious.

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Steal Boingo wireless by clearing your cookies

by Grant Martin on

If you’ve got time to kill at the airport, wireless can be a life saver. In most terminals, however, wireless isn’t free, and three out of four of the available providers charge an arm and a leg for service. So what’s a cheapskate to do to access his Facebook account without paying through the nose?

Steal wireless, of course. Most people know that if they stand with the proximity of an airline lounge, many of the clubs have unsecured wireless networks. Other open signals can proliferate through the terminal as well, and its not uncommon to see people wandering around the empty halls, holding up notebooks to the sky.

Another way that one can score free wireless comes by using a loophole in the Boingo “sponsored ad” service. Many (not all) Boingo hotspots offer a few minutes free for those willing to jump through a hoop or watch an ad or try out a free service. In JFK’s terminal 8, one can get 20 minutes of free service by trying out Microsoft’s substandard search engine, Bing.

Boingo and your web browser calculate this time using what’s called a cookie, a small thread of data that’s stored on your computer. And cookies, like all security tidbits, are removable. All that you have to do is clear your cookies, reload the Boingo page a few times and reclick the free service ad. In Firefox, it goes like this:

  • Connect to the Boingo hotspot.
  • If you don’t immediately see an ad for sponsored service, reload the page or navigate around a bit on the Boingo website. It’s possible that this market doesn’t have a sponsor, so don’t be disappointed if nothing pops up.
  • Jump through the hoops for free service.
  • Update your Facebook status, Tweet what underpants you’re wearing and stalk your new love interest online.
  • When you run out of time, click Edit|Preferences|Privacy|Show Cookies
  • Ignoring all of your embarassing stored cookies, navigate down to “boingo.aero” or anything with boingo in it.
  • Click “Remove Cookies”
  • Reload the Boingo connection page. If necessary, disconnect from the wifi network and reconnect.
  • Repeat

Easy as pie, and before you know it, it’ll be boarding time. Happy browsing!

Save time at checkin with elite status

by Grant Martin on

At 6PM on a Friday afternoon, New York‘s JFK airport is hopping. Part of it is, rather, just the check-in counter. The everyday, economy check-in counter, to be specific. Scores of passengers-to-be swarm the kiosks, some swiping credit cards, some punching buttions, some pulling their hair in distress. Those that successfully navigate the digital mayhem are funnelled into the luggage line, a mess of carts, passengers and boarding passes waiting to be processed by the half dozen, red jacketed agents at the far end of the hall.

Contrast. Thirty meters away from the economy check-in, the business/first/elite station is a sea of tranquility. Three rows of details, the first, a line of leather chairs where waiting travelers pick at their newspapers and wait for God knows what to happen. The second, a sea of poles and cords, a maze of manmade rows designed to channel customers into specific lines. Three passengers wait for their turn. The third: a long row of ticket agents and customer service representatives, silently working, waving new customers out of line. It’s nearly relaxing.

And it’s a good illustration of the massive gap between the everyday customer and the revered “elite” or business passenger that the airlines so desire. My trip through the elite line? Six minutes, four of which I spent repacking my bag.

Do yourself a favor this year and hit that elite status tier with your favorite airline — usually you need to fly 25k miles to reach that point, but there are tons of specials out there right now that will save you time and money. Hit that threshold and you’re on easy street through 2011, as you enjoy faster checkin, upgrades to first class and a hefty baggage allowance. You’ll love it — we promise.