Chad’s Quest for More Manly Name

by Neil Woodburn on

Tired of the ridicule and mockery member nations say they face on a daily basis, the Committee for the Advancement of Poorly Named Countries is petitioning the United Nations for approval to change the official names of their respective homelands. “I mean, come on, my country sounds like it is a gay waiter, for God’s sake,” said Naboo Mutomaba, a representative from the African nation of Chad.

Chad is part of a sizeable subcommittee fighting for more manly national monikers. “We’re tired of diplomats making fun of us at U.N. happy hours and state functions,” added Pierre Fornaut who lost diplomatic immunity in January when he attacked a Spanish diplomat for mocking his effeminate sounding homeland of Guadeloupe. Others from Gabon, Andorra, Yemen, and Martinique have expressed similar harassment at the hands of U.N. hecklers.

Changing country names is hardly a new practice for skittish, insecure nations and principalities. The Isle of Man, for example, used to be called Daffodil Island until angry male citizens finally rebelled. “They are my heroes,” Mutomaba told the U.N. who just last month rejected his petition to rename Chad, Lord Berkeley’s Knob. It was discovered that a small town in Scotland was already using this moniker and Mutomaba was visibly crestfallen upon hearing the news. “Well I guess things could be worse,” he admitted. “At least we’re not named Brest.” At which point a French diplomat from Brittany hauled off and slugged him.

Bushland to Open

by Neil Woodburn on

Fans of our America’s 43rd president will finally have something to rejoice about later this month when the new Bushland presidential theme park opens. Built atop the breeding grounds of the endangered Texas blind salamander, Bushland embraces the life and accomplishments of George W.

This wonderful family getaway has something for all ages; the Michael Moore Harpoon Toss, the Cheney Shooting Range, the Deficit Roller Coaster (which only goes up), and the Karl Rove Spinner (the opening of the Karl Rove Steamboat Cruise has been postponed until problematic leaks are fixed).

Those interested in a slightly different type of entertainment can disappear into the Yale Pub where employees dressed as male cheerleaders serve you beer until you pass out. When you awake a few hours later in the bathroom, you’ll discover that each urinal in the park is emblazoned with the name of a different national park upon which you can do your business; each toilet lists various civil liberties.

Visitors can also check out the new Presidential Library, which so far has only two books; One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish and Everyone Poops.

And finally, when you’re completely knackered from a full day of activities at Bushland, retire to the park’s Katrina Tiki Room and wile away the rest of your day doing absolutely nothing.

Bushland will be open during presidential working hours only (11am-2pm Monday-Wednesday, closed for the entire summer). Admission is $20 for those who earn less than $100,000 a year. For those who earn more, Bushland will pay you to come and visit. Sorry, no gays or blacks allowed (Condoleezza Rice excepted).

One for the Road: Foot Odor: A History

by Erik Olsen on

From the same people who have brought you volumes about single topic esoterica, comes the newest, perhaps most important book: Foot Odor: The Complete History.

Author Mark Sarklansky, whose books about Flour and Glue revealed the untold stories of these common products, has really outdone himself here with a mesmerizing account of where foot odor came from and its impact on world history.

Did you know that the course of the American Civil War was changed by the smell of a man’s feet. Yes, it was General George Pickett who was stuck in a poorly-ventilated tent with one of his young Lieutenants, a fresh-faced Georgian named Nord Glaspie, whose foot odor was notoriously noxious. Pickett, who was drawing up plans for the next day’s battle, which was supposed to involve a patient assault on the rear guard of the Union forces, apparently was so overcome by Glaspie’s foot odor, that he ran from the tent, eyes watering as he screamed, “Oh for goodness sakes, just rush the bastards!”

Then there is the story of the Titanic and the watchman who made a quick run to his cabin to replace his odor eaters (made from ground up charcoal briquettes and placed in gopher skin in those days), thereby missing the approaching iceberg which…well, you know the rest of the story.

Yes, this is history at its finest, and a deep, long look at foot odor and its historical impact has long been missing from the bookshelves.

Springtime in Pangaea

by Neil Woodburn on

Pangaea is one of the more difficult places to reach on this planet, but also one of the most rewarding. I was therefore pleased to discover that Old World Travels has just announced a two-week tour of this fascinating region which leaves later this month. An April trip is perfect timing because springtime in Pangaea is indeed wonderful. Plants and animals are slowly blossoming to life and every day seems so very fresh and new. I’ve never been myself, but this is indeed the Old Country from where my ancestors, in one form or another, originally heralded.

Although Pangaean accommodations tend to be on the primitive side and the local water a little soupy in the primordial sense (don’t drink it!), the tour promises to be amazing. The first three days will be spent in rugged mountain ranges so magnificent and dynamic that they almost seem to be alive and moving. The enormous Tethys Sea, Pangaea’s largest inland body of water, will be the next stop and one that will yield fantastic varieties of very large fish. Lastly, the tour will make its way overland to the scenic Panthalassa Ocean where sure-footed fish dash across pristine obsidian beaches that look as though they were created only yesterday.

As is always the case, pack in what you pack out, and for God’s sake, don’t step on any butterflies; a sound of thunder is never a good way to end a vacation.

Nepalese Plan Everescalator

by Erik Olsen on

Here’s an odd one: The Nepalese government wants to make it easier, much easier, for people to climb towering Mount Everest . Turns out they are planning to build a working, electric escalator that will carry people from base camp to the summit in less than an hour. The engineering effort is being put in the hands of the Japanese, in a serious political snub to the Chinese who had also bid on the project. The proposed escalator will be approximately fifteen miles long and will rise and fall with the jagged gradations of the mountain. It will move approximately five miles an hour and will offer superb views of the surrounding Himalayas . There will be rest stops, as well, built into the structure, that will allow riders to stop for tea or snacks. For children who grow easily bored by gaping mountain vistas, they are planning to offer portable DVD players and a wide selection of films.

Right now, only a handful of people scale the 29,035 foot peak each year, and the government wants to change that. Those who summit today have to pay exorbitant peak fees, approximately $50,000 per climber. But with the construction of an escalator to the top of the mountain, the fee will be reduced to about $1000 per “escalatee”. The Everescalator is scheduled for completion in February 2010.