Old Men Hunting at the Circle C

by Erik Olsen on

Inspired by the shotgun shooting of an old man by Vice President Dick Cheney, an enterprising entrepreneur in Texas has recently opened the Circle C shooting ranch, where elderly men “rounded up” from the state’s old people’s homes will be let loose and hunted by paying customers. But don’t worry, the men sign waivers allowing themselves to be hunted, and the hunters themselves use harmless paint pellet rifles that merely leave red welts on the “prey”.

The ranch has proved immensely popular among Republicans, who have flocked to the Circle C for long weekends of shooting, drinking and complaining about liberals.

The Ultimate Fake Vacation

by Karen Walrond on

Want to impress your friends with your stories of your fabulous luxury vacation, but just don’t have the dosh? Well never fear, there’s a new website that’ll handle everything for you. Welcome to “Total Recall” (named after the famous Arnold Schwarzenegger movie). Starting at a mere US$75, you need merely upload a few photographs of yourself — a few of showing your profile, your portrait, and some full-body shots — and Total Recall will return to you a complete set of holiday photographs showing you enjoying the destination of your choice (created using a state-of-the-art, PhotoShop-like software, adjusting lighting, shadows, and other attributes to enhance realism), as well as flight ticket stubs, some memoriabilia (choose from refrigerator magnets, t-shirts and baseball caps), and, as necessary, a bottle of spray-on tanning lotion.

“Before Total Recall, I’d never, ever had a date,” said Morty Feinbacher, a 41-year-old accountant who lives with his mother in Lincoln, Nebraska. “But all I did was set up a digital camera with a tripod in my mom’s basement, shoot about 30 pictures of myself in various clothing and positions, then I uploaded the photos, and voila — 200 photos of me enjoying myself in the Pacific nation of Palau returned. There are even pictures of me diving — DIVING! And I’m allergic to kelp! I took the set to my local singles bar, and women haven’t stopped calling since.”

Destinations include hot spots from North America, Europe, Asia and the Caribbean. Africa is destined to be included in the lineup in 2007.

Japanese Hiker Spots Menehune on Hike

by Adrienne Wilson on

Here’s a bizarre backwoods tale out of tropical islands of Hawai’i. Apparently Mark Takehara, 24, Japanese visitor to Oahu, claims to have seen a tiny leprechaunish creature weaving on and off of a trail in Maunawili Falls during a hike. Takehara was with friends on Friday afternoon during the outing, but strayed away to relieve himself in a bush when he saw the magical looking little midget. After he made it back to join his friends, he described what he had seen to his pal and fellow hiker, Amy Fukotami (an Oahu native) who said it sounded like a ‘Menehune’ and laughed. Fukotami, believes Takehara had spent an unusual amount of time wandering off the trail alone and though he stated he was ONLY searching for a good spot to pee, he also smelled of ‘white shark’ (a kind of cannabis described by locals as mystical yet adventurous). Ha! The culprit!

Chances of having seen a Menehune (a tiny mischievous forest dweller who roam the deep forest at night) are unlikely in Oahu. Menehune siting’s in the area are rare with the last claimed being as far back as 1947. People seriously considering searching for Menehune should probably stick to Kauai where the most recent siting was in 1972.

via Japawii.com

Palin to Explore Inside of Cruise’s Head

by Neil Woodburn on

Monty Python alum Michael Palin and a BBC documentary crew will embark later this Spring on a 21 day expedition through the folds and recesses of actor Tom Cruise’s brain. Hot off the success of travelogues which have taken Palin Pole to Pole and Around the World in 80 Days, the British actor has made a career of journeying to locations so remote that many people don’t believe they even exist. The trek through Cruise’s brain will continue this exciting trend.

“God knows what we’ll find in there,” Palin speculated last month at The Explorers Club in Manhattan, “but we are completely prepared.” The team, for example, will be equipped with sophisticated GPS technology to navigate Cruise’s ego, an enormous wasteland that defies scientific explanation by continuing to inflate at alarming rates. In addition, Palin and company will all be wearing heavy-duty galoshes. “Initial reconnaissance reports indicate that 90% of Cruise’s brain has turned to knee-deep mush since the Katie Holmes affair,” warns Palin. “So we’re not taking any chances of slipping in the muck and disappearing forever into the deadly crevice of the corpus callosum.”

Palin’s greatest hope on this journey is to experience a Dr. Livingston moment by tracking down the reclusive L. Ron Hubbard who has reportedly been squatting in the depths of Cruise’s cerebral cortex for the last ten years now.

Certainly the most dangerous part of the journey will be navigating the narrow passageways of the hypothalamus where massive neurohormonal fluctuations can unexpectedly send Cruise’s brain into Mexican Jumping Bean mode. The mere sight of a couch can set off this dangerous sequence of events and if Palin happens to be anywhere near the hypothalamus when it erupts, it will be the last we hear from this great British explorer.

Vintage Cruise Voyages

by Adrienne Wilson on

Considering some of the negative press cruise ships have been given over what seems like the last year or so, you’d imagine people would be shaking in their boots to hit the high seas, but such is not the case. Travelers are still taking to the ocean’s sometimes choppy waters and opting to make more out of their experiences on board rather than when they dock in say, St. Thomas. Least that’s what a new cruise liner called Vintage Voyages hopes to encourage on their extreme-theme vintage reenactment voyages. While themes like quilting, jazz, wine and murder mystery tours on deck are nothing new and have been popular for ages, Vintage Voyages has stepped it up a notch, providing a variety of packages catering to more adventure minded travelers with a thirst for history.

Take the Columbus Rediscovery Vintage Voyage for example. Noted as one of the most exclusive cruises, 90 participants set sail much the same way Christopher Columbus did back in 1492 on his way to discover the New World. Interestingly enough the cruise has three ships named after the original Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. Travelers on each ship are required to dress the way Columbus and his crew did and function under the same basic conditions. Meals include bread, beer, hard biscuits, fish and salted meat served nightly. Sleeping will only be allowed on the deck of the ship in cramped, damp conditions much like how the seamen used to rest. The cruise lasts 71 days at sea embarking from Spain and arriving in the Bahamas – where it is said Columbus first saw landfall. Vintage Voyages also prides itself in the cost of the rediscovery voyage asking interested parties to pay only what would be equivalent to what King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella gave Columbus in the 1400’s. ($450 USD.)

The company advertises the tour as a perfect event for extended family reunions.

Other packages include:

  • Titanic Shipwreck Vintage Voyage – Reenact the entire three hours the Titanic spent at sea. (Must be a certified diver for the ship sinking part.)
  • Moby Dick Literary Vintage Voyage – Hunt for white whales on the Pequod.
  • Gilligan’s Island TV Vintage Voyage – Play your favorite character from the show for the entire first season.