SkyMall Monday: Relax ‘n Nap Pillow

by Mike Barish on

I tend to love almost all SkyMall products. My reviews are favorable because the SkyMall Monday headquarters is full of useful products that have solved problems that we never knew we had until SkyMall told us about them. However, there was always one product in the catalog that I avoided reviewing. Whenever I would flip through the pages or scroll through the website, I would avoid it at all costs because it simply looked too horrible for me to imagine ever using it. However, the time has come for me to address this product. This week’s edition of SkyMall Monday is going to be a bit different than usual. Instead of a glowing review, you may see some harsh words. We’re all adults here and I think you’ll agree that what I’m about to share with you needs to be said (or written). Get comfortable. Lay down if you’d like. But do not attempt to read this while using the Relax ‘n Nap Pillow.The Relax ‘n Nap Pillow is intended for people who want to sleep laying face down. You know who sleeps like that? Dead people. Or, I suppose, people getting massages. I’ve gotten massages. I love massages. You know what bothers me about massages? How weird it is laying face down with my head through a hole. I know that I should close my eyes and relax, but I can’t help but open my yes from time to time only to see either the floor or the masseuse’s feet. It’s boring and weird. Now imagine laying face down, opening your eyes and just seeing your sheets. Unless you have some epic bedsheets, that’s going to be weird and boring.

I also find that the face down sleeping position promoted by the Relax ‘n Nap Pillow poses a major security risk. Laying face down with no peripheral vision leaves the user vulnerable to sneak attacks by home invaders, the boogieman and older brothers who think that wedgies are funny. If you normally sleep on your stomach (which I do), you keep your head cocked to one side, allowing you to either sleep with one eye open or quickly see what’s happening should a noise startle you awake. Every second counts when poltergeists or sadistic siblings try to make their move.

To be fair, I’ll give the product description the chance to make its case:

Our Relax ‘N Nap Pillows allow you to rest face down in blissful comfort! The memory foam provides proper spinal support plus patented air portal ventilation.

Blissful comfort? Sure, if you’ve already gotten your affairs in order and welcome death’s sweet embrace. As for the spinal support and air portal ventilation, well, invest in a decent mattress and open a window.

I’ll continue to sleep on normal pillows with my eyes pointed at the door, thank you very much. Sleeping face down just ain’t right.

I’m sorry that you had to experience such a negative review of a SkyMall product. I know that this must have shocked and frightened you. I can only hope that next week brings us back to the usually joy and whimsy of our favorite airborne marketplace. Until then, watch out for wedgies.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: iRestore Hair Laser

by Mike Barish on

No man wants to go bald. As a man who shaves his head because it’s the only hair style that looks good anymore, I can tell you that I frequently feel pangs of hair envy when I see a guy with thick, luxurious locks. That’s why I often just sit around the SkyMall Monday headquarters wearing a wig. That said, I’ve never pursued any type of hair treatment or restoration because I’ve always believed that you should just make the best of what you have. Thankfully, my parents never dropped my on my head, so I look good bald. That’s helped me avoid any urge to use those potent pills that can’t be handled by women who are pregnant or planning to become pregnant, as well as any strange topical ointments, salves and creams. All of those remedies sounds frightening and messy. However, recent innovations in the hair restoration industry have led to developments that include lasers. Lasers make everything cooler. If anything can bring back hair that has been lost for years, it’s lasers. That’s why I am completely on board with SkyMall offering the iRestore Hair Laser.Historically, the problem with lasers is that they’ve been dangerous and often used by aliens to enslave the human race. Now, however, lasers have been put inside a helmet so that bald men can use them while doing anything from sitting around on the couch watching TV to eating a rack of ribs to sitting on the couch watching TV while eating a rack of ribs. It’s about time lasers became convenient for lazy bald men.

Think that you should play with the hand that nature dealt you? Believe that lasers are dangerous, precise instruments that are best left to professionals? Well, while I shine these lasers into my eyes, why don’t you take a look at the product description:

Adjustable Laser Dome for full scalp coverage!

That’s all you really need to know. Well, that and the fact that you’ll be able to tell your friends that you have an adjustable laser dome. They’re sure to feel stupid for being stuck with non-adjustable laser domes. Fools!

So, if you’re bald, wish you had a full head of hair and enjoy standing around reading books in an infinite black emptiness, then the iRestore Hair Laser is for you. Or, it might not be for you. To be certain, check out this handy and not-at-all amusing chart on iRestore’s website.

Stop being bald and laserless when you could be hairy and laserful. The choice is yours.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: The Wovel

by Mike Barish on

Here on the East Coast, SkyMall Monday headquarters is being bombarded by a blizzard. Thankfully, our New York City location means that we don’t have to do any of the shoveling. However, for millions of people who have to keep their driveways, walking paths, sidewalks and outdoor dance floors clean and snow-free, storms like this create hours of backbreaking labor. Shoveling snow can cause back pain, frostbite and, sadly, cardiac episodes. However, you can’t just ignore the snow because you’re scared of dealing with it. Eventually, you’ll need to dig yourself out. How can you do that safely? Other than paying some neighborhood kids to do a half-assed job or borrowing your obnoxious neighbor’s snow blower and then having to owe him a favor that he will inevitably redeem when he wants an invitation to your annual bathing suit-optional pool party, what options do you have? Well, now, thanks to SkyMall, you can shovel your driveway safely using the powers of physics. Throw out of your measly shovels and get ready for the Wovel.Few things work as well in the snow as wheels. Slippery conditions mixed with thick, wet snow are ideal for a single thin wheel. The Wovel’s ability to pivot also allows the shoveler to shower himself with snow, which is perfect for reenacting everyone’s favorite scene from Flashdance. What could possibly go wrong?

Think that there’s nothing wrong with old-fashioned shovels? Believe that a giant wheel is bound to struggle in deep snow? Curious how one might store this device in a crowded garage all year long? Well, while you’re stuck inside your house asking yourself rhetorical questions, I hope you’ll find time to read the product description:

At first glance, the Wovel might appear to the layperson to be a novel-looking device counterintuitive to effective snow removal. In fact, the Wovel is an elegant and efficient design based on two of the oldest and most commonplace scientific principles ever put into use: the wheel and the lever…The Wovel (rhymes with shovel) is the safe alternative to shoveling. Now, with virtually no effort, you can throw snow without twisting or lifting.

Actually, at first glance it looks like a shovel and a wheelbarrow had a baby after a drunken night in the tool shed. I must agree, however, that it is elegant. It’s all-black design makes it perfect for formal affairs from weddings to cotillions.

As snow blankets us, let’s make sure that we’re prepared for the worst. Stock your pantries with canned goods, plug in all of your electric blankets and make sure that you shovel – er, I mean Wovel – safely.

UPDATE: Learn exactly how to use the Wovel (hint: it’s all about the wrist snap) using this instructional video (thanks to Meg Nesterov for finding this).

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Mustache Mirror

by Mike Barish on

I’m no stranger to facial hair. And I’m certainly a supporter of mustaches. However, I understand that there are many people who can’t grow lip sweaters. Whether it’s due to genetics, illness, workplace rules or simply gender, some poor souls must remain fresh-faced. Until Locks for Love allows me to donate my beard to someone (all joking aside, that’s a great charity that I urge you to check out), those without blooming facial follicles will be forced to find alternative means for covering their lips. While using a permanent marker to draw a stache may seem like a good idea, that can get out of hand. Fake mustaches tend to fall off at inopportune times and masks are just plain creepy. Thankfully, SkyMall is prepared to address this serious issue. Now, when guests come over to SkyMall Monday headquarters, they too can have a mustache thanks to the new Mustache Mirror.Mustaches show that you are a virile man (or woman, if you’re Sicilian). They display your power, confidence and potency. These are traits that must be broadcast to the world. For some, however, mustaches are as elusive as unicorns, leprechauns and the McRib. That doesn’t mean that they should be denied the joy one experiences when they first see themselves with a swath of hair darting across their upper lip like a steamship proudly crossing the Atlantic.

Think that mustaches are only for pedophiles and dictators? Believe that mustaches should have died in the 80s? Your prejudice only makes me more determined to share the product description with you:

Ever wonder how you’d look styled with a ‘stache? Worry not about facial hair farming inhibitions, thanks to our exclusive beveled-edge mirror.

Three bushy, manly lip ticklers are printed boldly at the perfect level so you can try one on for size; the ready-to-hang accent will be a hit in your entry or powder room.

Worry not, indeed! Plus, we’re bringing back the term “powder room.” That’s a bonus.

While I would prefer to see more than three mustaches on the mirror and wish that handlebar varieties made up less than 66.6% of the options, I still feel that the Mustache Mirror is a major breakthrough in facial hair research.

For all of you without mustaches, this is your rebirth. You have a second chance to live the life you always felt you were supposed to live. Remember, mustaches are not a choice. They’re a way of life.

For more information on mustaches, I urge you to visit the American Mustache Institute.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Money Maze & Bilz Pinball Game

by Mike Barish on

The holiday season is in full swing and everyone is looking for the best gifts for friends and family. The SkyMall Monday headquarters is filling up with presents for our favorite people. Sometimes, though, you simply have no idea what to get for someone. No matter how much you rack your brain, you just can’t come up with the perfect gift for someone in your life. Whether it’s your coworker, mailman or mistress, you may realize that they’re better off picking out their own gifts. That’s when you need to suck it up and give them a gift card or, if you want to limit them only by their imagination, cash. However, gift cards and cash can seem cold, easy and, possibly, lazy. Not on your part, that is. You were generous. Cash and gift cards are easy for the recipients. Make those people earn their gifts by forcing them to solve a puzzle to get to that sweet consumer gold. Thanks to SkyMall, now your friends and loved ones will be able to cherish the greatest gift of all: humility. Because, after a few glasses of eggnog and with everyone staring at them, they’re going to have a hard time freeing those gift cards from the Bilz Pinball Game and Money Maze.

While there may be no greater holiday thrill than opening a giant wrapped box to find exactly the gift that you were hoping for (oh yes, I remember getting my original Nintendo very well), as an adult there is a simple joy in receiving cash. I mean, it’s money. It sure as heck beats underpants, a hideous sweater or a Two and a Half Men box set. The down side of receiving cash is that it lacks the oohs and ahhs elicited by flashier gifts. If you want the recipient of your monetary gift to be the center of attention, there’s no better way to do so than by forcing them to solve a puzzle to get their hands on their holiday booty.

Think it’s perverse to require someone to solve a puzzle to receive their holiday gift? Believe that it’s not in the Christmas spirit to make someone earn their presents? Well, seems to me that complaining about your gift might just put you on Santa’s naughty list.

The Bilz Pinball Game and Money Maze also serve another wonderful function: They allow the gift-giver to avoid shopping for holiday cards. Normally, you would put cash in a greeting card. Have you gone to a stationery store to shop for cards during the holidays? Christmas songs are blaring, the shelves are in complete disarray thanks ravenous customers and the employees are counting down the days until their seasonal position is eliminated by slashing marks into their wrists. In other words, it’s not the most pleasant retail environment. By putting the cash in one of these puzzles, you save yourself the time and depression of having to shop for cards. It’s a win-win.

This year, stop trying to figure out what everyone on your list wants for Christmas and Chanukah. Just get them all cash and lock it in either the Bilz Pinball Game or Money Maze. They’ll be sure to thank you when they’re done muttering obscenities under their breath while trying to solve the puzzle that is holding their gifts captive. Frankly, if you have to endure their company at yet another holiday party, the least you can do is make them get carpal tunnel while navigating their gift.

Happy Holidays!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.