Two sublime day trips from London

A few days into a recent 8-day trip to London I was spent. This followed Portobello Road and Covent Garden shopping sprees, a delicious Guinness-oyster pie at Borough Market, a night of clubbing in Shoreditch (the masterful DJ Carl Craig spun at Plastic People), and a day of intensive art immersion (including Christian Marclay’s excellent film “The Time” at the White Cube gallery). The perfect palliative to minding too many gaps and aching blistered dogs proved to be two sublime daytrips.

The picturesque medieval town of Lewes, about an hour south of London, is set on a hill above the River Ouse. Its winding cobblestone streets, lined with locavore-minded restaurants, traditional pubs serving locally-brewed ales, unique boutiques and antiquarians, lead up to the ruins of an 11th century Norman Castle. The town’s charms have attracted many, including Virginia Woolf, American patriot Thomas Paine, and the Rolling Stones’ Charlie Watts, but my primary motivation for this jaunt was timing.

Each November fifth, for the past 405 years, Lewes has celebrated the fire-filled British holiday of Guy Fawkes Night with more fervor and pageantry than anywhere in the U.K. The evening’s incendiary bacchanalia includes throngs of torch-wielding and elaborately-costumed marchers, young men racing through town towing barrels of burning tar, whole roasted pigs on spits and massive bonfires. The holiday, which commemorates a foiled-attempt in 1605 to overthrow the British Government (and is rooted in ancient pagan rituals), is like nothing you will find in London.

%Gallery-111983%The same can be said for the Cotswalds, the gorgeous west-central English countryside roughly an hour-and-a-half west of the capital. This officially designated “Area of Outstanding Beauty” lives up to its billing with gentle rolling hills, idyllic villages and ornate churches built with indigenous honey-hued limestone. Here there are still single-lane roads slicing through pastoral farmlands dotted with sheep and thatched-roof houses.

The best way to take-in the Cotswolds is by car, which you can easily rent in the nearby town of Oxford. Driving on the left side for most Americans is certainly a challenge; but not nearly as treacherous as avoiding the brightly plumed pheasants swooping down kamikaze-like towards my oncoming windshield. My route along the northern half of the area’s famed Romantic Road provided an excellent overview. This included stops in Woodstock where I glimpsed the grand Blenheim Palace; Grand Tew, a speck of a village (pop. 152) with a 16th century pub; Bourton-on-the-Water, a.k.a. “The Venice of the Cotswolds;” and the wondrous Broadway Tower, a small 18th century castle that once served as a refuge for Arts & Crafts movement founder William Morris.

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In the last decade the Cotswolds, much like the Hamptons, have become a haven for London’s boldface names. The likes of Lily Allen, Damien Hirst, Kate Winslet and Stella McCartney regularly come here to escape London’s bustle and recharge their batteries. There’s no reason lesser-known individuals on extended urban safaris can’t do the same-it certainly made my Indian food in Islington the next evening that much tastier.

GETTING THERE:
God save the Queen, and London to be sure, but for excursions outside the sprawling capital, God save Britain’s National Rail. It is user friendly, affordable and surprisingly comfortable. You can easily purchase same-day round trip tickets. London’s Victoria Station to Lewes and back costs about $32; London Paddington to Oxford is $42. A rental car via EasyCar, a subsidiary of the low cost air-carrier EasyJet, cost about $75. The rental agency is located a block from the Oxford train station and operates through Avis.

Five ways to join the mile-high club around the world

Generally, it’s best to avoid an airline lavatory for any reason. It’s cramped, smelly and generally not a pleasant place to be. If you’re planning to use the lav for something other than its stated purpose, you’re going to need to brace yourself. Unfortunately, it really is the best environment on the plane for joining the mile-high club (for those of you not in the know, that means having sex on a plane).

You could always try to do it in your seat, but you’ll need a fairly empty flight. Also, your options will be limited, even compared to the lav.

Fortunately, there appears to be a better way. If you want to join this unique, exclusive club without risking an angry speech from a safety-focused flight attendant, take a look at the options below. You can attain your newest “status” at a fairly reasonable price in some cases – and have a memory to savor.1. Mile High Atlanta: if you’re not in Atlanta, it’s pretty easy to get there. After all, it is home to the busiest airport in the country. So, catch a flight to this city, and trade your airline seat for a jaunt with Mile High Atlanta. It costs only $379 per couple for an hour-long flight in a Piper Cherokee Six … “designed exclusively for this purpose. And yes, there is a bed.

Good to know: “Our pilot is VERY discreet and all flights are handled with the UTMOST confidentiality.”

2. Exstacy Air: Based in St. Clair County, Michigan, this service will bring you up above the clouds so you can have your moment of bliss. For $375, you and your cohort – unless you’re logging solo hours – will get an hour in the sky, a bottle of champagne and a set of mile-high wings (that you’ll doubtless earn).

Unique feature: You can keep your sheets as a souvenir!

3. Chicago Mile High Club: this service offers “you and your loved one the exclusive use of our 20 passenger airliner so that you can become mile-high club members, with all of the safety and privacy that comes with having a large twin-engine turboprop airliner all to yourselves.” But, this sort of service is pricey: $999 an hour, and you have to make reservations at least a week in advance.

Selling point: The cabin is more than 20 feet long, six feet wide and 5 ½ feet tall. Break out your copy of the Kama Sutra!

4. Mile High Flights: earn your international wings with this UK service, which includes champagne, “stunning views” and whatever other fun you can concoct! Several options are available, with products named “The Big One (£640) and “The VIP” (£930).

Mortgage your orgasm: Flexible payment options are available for those who don’t want to wind up spent right away.

5. The ol’ fashioned way: look both ways, and move casually toward the lavatory, preferably while the flight attendants are working the beverage cart. Step out with your hair askew and a fantastically broad smile on your face.

Multiple benefits: No, not that kind – I’m referring to the fact that this flight will also take you to your destination, rather than cart you around on a “sightseeing” experience. You may also pick up some frequent flier miles.

[photo by rick via Flickr]

Heathrow CEO kisses bonus goodbye

The backups and mayhem at Heathrow, the largest airport in Britain, have come with a very personal price tag. With thousands of flights cancelled and crowds of disgruntled passengers forming, it only makes sense that there would be some consequences. So, while passengers look for ways to get to their ultimate destinations this holiday season, there will be a little less under the tree in one household.

Heathrow CEO Colin Matthews relented to pressure to give up his six-figure bonus because of the problems at Heathrow that exacerbated the impact of bad weather, such as claims that he didn’t buy enough de-icer, according to the Daily Mail. The report continues:

Colin Matthews bowed to calls to relinquish his six-figure bonus today amid claims bosses ‘failed’ to buy enough de-icer, ruining the travel plans of more than a million people.

It added:

Lord Jones of Birmingham said Mr Matthews, the owner of a ski lodge in the French Alps and a £1.9million west London home, should ‘not be getting a bonus when he has diminished Britain’s global brand’.

Matthews pulled in total compensation of £1.6million last year, £994,000 of it salary and benefits.

According to Matthews, “I have decided to give up my bonus for the current year.” He continued, “My focus is on keeping people moving and rebuilding confidence in Heathrow.”

Meanwhile, the Daily Mail says, passengers were forced to rely on tea and coffee handouts from the Salvation Army.

Flight cancellations are expected to continue past Christmas day.

[photo by smagdali via Flickr]

A Single Square of Christmas

“Here,” she gestured. “Try this,” and I opened my mouth. The chocolate landed on my tongue and began to melt. It was unlike anything I’d ever tasted. It reminded me of the carob chips foisted upon me during my mother’s hippy stage. It was also a bit like the Hershey’s Special Dark miniatures I always traded for my sister’s Mr. Goodbars at Halloween. But this chocolate was definitely a distant cousin to the more familiar wrapped in silver or covering a mixture of peanuts, caramel, and nougat. I was in heaven.

“What is it?” I mumbled around the square melting on my tongue.

“That is what Cadbury’s calls a bittersweet. I think it tastes just like Christmas.”

And with that, my friend Tan’s grandmother wrestled off the tin’s lid and brandished another chocolate like it was pirate’s treasure. “Ah, this one’s a caramel. Go on, try it. It’s gorgeous.”

Cadbury’s? The makers of those heinous chocolate eggs filled with sugary goo and made to mimic real chicken eggs? That Cadbury’s? I was incredulous. And the tin can? The only thing I’d ever seen sold in a tin can that size was the popcorn trifecta sold by the Boy Scouts. Never had I witnessed such an assortment of chocolate in one place. This was certainly no drug store Whitman’s Sampler, the likes of which my mother had been tucking into my Christmas stocking for as long as I could remember. Christmas always included many variations of chocolate in my childhood home, but I had never celebrated Christmas with a taste quite like this.

I sat there that Christmas Eve, on a stranger’s floral couch, happily savoring each chocolate that Gran handed me. Periodically, she’d find a new flavor and tell me a bit of a story such as the first time she tasted a raspberry-filled, prefaced with “isn’t it lovely, dear?” But most of that time was spent in a chocolate- and silence-filled companionship. I’m not sure what filled Gran’s thoughts, but mine circled about what I had blithely left behind in Oregon.

The time came for us to bundle against the cold and walk to Midnight Mass. I’d never been to a Christmas Eve service anywhere before, and I approached that service with the attitude of a scientist. That night I would sit among believers and witness their hullabaloo. I certainly doubted the experience would have any impact on my agnostic self.

And yet, twenty years later, I can still hear the crunch of snow beneath my shoes and feel the wind bite at my neck as it snaked its way beneath my collar. It was a short walk through the village from Tan’s house to the church, but it was a cold one. Not much slows the wind across England, and Oxford’s distant towers and spires certainly offered no resistance to that winter storm. I was sniffling with the cold by the time I took my seat on that worn pew, snuggled between my college friend and a neighbor who smelled of damp wool and cough drops.

That is what Cadbury’s calls a bittersweet. I think it tastes just like Christmas.

I have but a vague recollection of the minister’s homily. But I do remember the terrible weight of homesickness that fell upon me for the first time ever. Sitting there, the lone foreigner in that small stone church, hearing about family and love, I suddenly wanted the Christmas I knew my family was having without me. I wanted snickerdoodles and Russian teacakes, a Douglas fir covered in both glass and hand-made ornaments, giggling siblings. I wanted to gather the ingredients for my mom’s fudge, pull out the stained recipe card, and butter the dented baking dish. I wanted the same Christmas traditions I’d been celebrating for as long as I could remember but couldn’t remember ever really thinking about. Suddenly, the 5,000 miles between us made me hunger for my family’s Christmas — something I couldn’t purchase regardless of my Visa card’s available credit limit.

That night, lying in my borrowed bed, paid for with household tasks and stories of Americana, I ached for my family back home in Oregon. For nearly five months, my only contact with them had been letters written on paper so thin it barely held the words together. But more than time zones and miles separated us. I was on an adventure and they were back where I’d left them.

When I headed off to college, I left small-town Oregon with barely a backward glance in my 1980 Chevy Chevette’s rear-view mirror. And I had just kept going, looking instead toward all the things I knew must be out there, since they certainly weren’t back home. I had come from a life of powdered cheese in a green can and house-brand semi-sweet baking chips and what I wanted was a block of real Parmesan and Guittard chocolates. Getting at least a taste of that life was what mattered most to me. Even this trip to the United Kingdom had been preceded by simply a phone call to my mother, “Mom, I’ve been accepted to study abroad in England and if I can figure out the money thing, I’m going.” I hadn’t even considered how my absence would impact them.

As much as I loved my family, I wanted more. I knew there was a world out there far removed from what a life with an Oregon logger would offer me — I’d been reading about it for years in the books and travel magazines that the county bookmobile brought me every few weeks. Over the years, I had developed a taste for the exotic that the comforting food of home couldn’t satiate.

Before Christmas, I had heard my mother’s voice exactly three times since finding out firsthand if Pan Am really was “flying better than ever” back in August of 1989. Once when I let them know I had safely arrived in Carmarthen and again when they called to sing me a “Happy 21st Birthday!” And then, not quite two weeks before, as I headed off on my Christmas holiday, I had gathered a pile of coins on the shelf of a red phone booth. Starting with several pound coins, I fed the phone and dialed home. After just a few pleasantries, the phone demanded more coins. The conversation quickly became a series of jangling clinks and pauses. Finally, I loaded the last of my coins and shouted rapid-fire, “I love you all so much. I’ll call again as soon as I can!” My family was shouting back “Love you!” when the dial tone cut them off.

Christmas morning arrived with clear blue skies and much yelling and laughing between Tan and her family. As we gathered in the living room, Tan donned her best Santa Claus techniques and doled out the loot beneath the tree. I was embarrassed to see her family had wrapped some small items for me. Her mom just smiled as I became more and more flustered that I hadn’t given them all individual gifts. “Oh, it’s all right, dear. Everyone should have a little something to open on Christmas morning.”

Later, after polishing off the Yorkshire pudding and marzipan, Gran gestured to me. “Would ya like to phone yer mum? I’m sure she’d be happy ta hear from ya. And don’t ye worry about paying fer it neither, it’s Christmas after all.” My unexpected tears made it a bit difficult to see while I dialed the phone, but I managed. I held my breath until my mother’s voice came on the line. Right then, I wanted to hear her voice more than anything I’d ever thought to put on a Christmas wish list.

Standing in the hallway, I glanced at the mirror hanging above the telephone table as I spoke to first one parent, then the other. Reflecting back at me was the same dark hair, the same green eyes. But I seemed different and it wasn’t just the tear streaks on my cheeks as I struggled to hide from my parents just how much I missed them. Then my grandmother’s voice scratched its way into my ear.

“Merry Christmas! How are you dear? Doesn’t seem like Christmas without you making fudge like you always do. Are you having a great time? What kinds of things are you getting to see?” She punctuated her questions with her familiar smoker’s hack and sips of coffee.

“Grandma, it is beautiful here. Oxford is just amazing — I even got to sit in one of the private dining halls. Grandma, there are these dents worn into the benches from people’s behinds sitting in the same places for hundreds of years. There’s just so much history here, it’s amazing.” My voice trailed off as my enthusiasm wore itself out.

“Grandma, I miss you guys. I hope you have a really wonderful Christmas.” My voice cracked before I could add, “Without me.”

“Oh, little missy. I hear those tears. You’re just the same as your mom, acting like you don’t miss one another terribly. You know, that’s what Christmas is all about, appreciating the folks who make this life worth living. Christmas is about the easy and the hard parts of life.”

After I said my goodbyes and rang off, I waited to return to the living room until I scraped my face dry with my sleeve. Hearing my family’s voices had made the day finally feel like Christmas. The kaleidoscope of Christmases in my mind’s eye, how I had celebrated in the past and how I hoped to celebrate in the future, all came together. Christmas finally connected the spectrum of where I came from with where I hoped to end up.

When I sat back down next to Gran, she handed me a small, wrapped package not quite the size of a matchbox, but thicker. Raising my eyebrows, I looked at her. She waved her hand, “Such a little thing, Tan must have missed it under the tree.”

Inside was a single square of bittersweet chocolate. It may not have been a Whitman’s Sampler, but it would do.

Ordnance Survey maps: sometimes government CAN do a great job

The BBC recently interviewed a cartographer for the Ordnance Survey. This government department is in charge of mapping the United Kingdom, except for Northern Ireland, which has its own agency.

If you like maps or plan to hike in the UK, the Ordnance Survey maps are simply amazing. They’ve been measuring and drawing this green and pleasant land since the eighteenth century and produce the best maps I’ve ever used. In the interview, cartographer Dave Wareham explains how he uses GPS satellites and OS ground stations to get his measurements to within “a maximum tolerance of 2.6cm.” That’s one inch to you Yanks.

The smallest scale maps are truly amazing, with every fence, building, postbox, and public telephone carefully marked. If you know how to read a map and use a compass, it’s virtually impossible to get lost with one of these in your hand. Unfortunately, a poll back in 2007 discovered that the majority of Brits can’t read maps. If the UK government wasn’t ruthlessly slashing education spending they could add a map-reading course.

It’s nice to see a government project that works well. In the days of GPS and Google Maps, the Ordnance Survey still sells three million copies maps each year. They even turn a profit. My only quibble with the OS maps is that they’re updated only once every three or four years, which isn’t enough in some parts of the country, as I discovered while hiking the East Highland Way.

Still, they’re the best maps you’re going to find. If you’re having trouble shopping for that outdoorsy type in your life, grab some of these to inspire their next hike.