World Cup hangover: North Korea team grilled


The North Korean World Cup soccer team never had a chance in South Africa, but that didn’t make the trip home any easier. At the beginning of July, they faced a “grand debate” because they let down the regime in the “ideological struggle” to put the ball into the net a lot during the tournament. More than 400 government officials, students and journalists watched the spectacle, though I have this sneaking suspicion that none really enjoyed it.

Responsibility for the loss fell to the coach, and the team members were allegedly compelled to point their blame in his direction. He was punished for having betrayed Kim Jong-sun, Kim Jong-il‘s son and rumoured next top dog of North Korea. The coach was fired and reportedly made to become a builder – he was also tossed from the Workers’ Party of Korea.

Apparently, just getting to the World Cup for the first time since 1966 wasn’t good enough, and I’m guessing that the next coach will take note of this.

It could have been a lot worse, though. Past coaches who didn’t measure up were sent to prison camps, according to South Korean intelligence sources.

Meanwhile, travel plans made the difference for two of the team’s players. Jong Tae-se and An Yong-hak, both born in Japan, were able to avoid the humiliating public display by dashing off directly to Japan following the World Cup tournament. If they had middle seats the whole way, I’m sure they weren’t complaining.

A priest, a rabbi, and… Kim Jong-il?

If you’re like me, you probably don’t associate North Korea with comedy. But after reading the jokes below, told by North Korean defectors to Radio Free Asia, well… you still won’t. The jokes, most of which lampoon Kim Jong-il and the North Korean police state, bring to mind a North Korean Yakov Smirnoff.

Here are a few of the North Korean knee-slappers (more here):

Chang Man Yong works on a collective farm in North Korea. He goes fishing, gets lucky, and brings a fish home. Happy about his catch, he tells his wife: “Look what I’ve got. Shall we eat fried fish today?”



The wife says: “We’ve got no cooking oil!”



“Shall we stew it, then?”



“We’ve got no pot!”



“Shall we grill it?”



“We’ve got no firewood!”



Chang Man Yong gets angry, goes back to the river, and throws the fish back into the water.

The fish, happy to have had such a narrow escape, sticks its head out of the water and cheerfully yells: “Long live General Kim Jong-il!”

Ba-dum ching!

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow.

During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal.



Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!”



Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. President, how can you ask me to do that? I have a wife and child waiting for me at home”



Putin sheds a tear himself, apologises to Ivan, and sends him away.



Next, it’s Kim Jong Il’s turn. He calls his bodyguard Lee Myung Man and yells: “Lee Myung Man, jump!”



Not hesitating for a split second, Lee Myung Man is just about to jump out the window.

Putin grabs Lee Myung Man to prevent him from jumping and says: “Are you out of your mind? If you jump out this window, you’ll die! This is the 20th floor!”

Nevertheless, Lee Myung Man is still struggling, trying to escape Putin’s embrace and jump out the window: “Mr. Putin, please let me go! I have a wife and child at home!”

Alright, I’ll admit that wasn’t bad. And finally…

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a North Korean are having a chat. The Englishman says: “I feel happiest when I’m at home, my wool pants on, sitting in front of the fireplace.”



The Frenchman, a ladies’ man, says: “You English people are so conventional. I feel happiest when I go to a Mediterranean beach with a beautiful blonde-haired woman, and we do what we’ve got to do on the way back.”



The North Korean man says: “In the middle of the night, the secret police knock on the door, shouting: Kang Sung-Mee, you’re under arrest! And I say, Kang Sung-Mee doesn’t live here, but right next door! That’s when we’re happiest!”

Ha! I just love secret police jokes!

Kim Jong-Il Celebration: Party Like It’s Juche 99

It was the biggest party of the year – and will probably retain that distinction until the end. Everybody was there, including foreign officials far too cool to be named. Dancers, singers and synchronized swimmers performed … all in honor of the Dear Leader’s sixty-eighth birthday. According to Pyongyang’s state-run media, Kim was “praised by mankind as the most outstanding political elder and the peerlessly brilliant commander of the present era.”

Across the border, however, the partying was supplanted with speculation, particularly given rumors of Kim’s 2008 stroke. According to the LA Times, his psychological state is said to be in question. A South Korean journal article puts the end of his life no more than five years into the future. In fact, the report says, “Kim Jong Il is known to have shed some tears when bodyguards were with him, unlike in the past.”

This didn’t stop the dear leader from getting down, though, at a party held on a day to considered to be one of North Korea’s top holidays. The synchronized swimmers “depicted beautiful frost flowers carrying boundless reverence” for Kim, inspired by such music as “Let’s Meet Each Other on the Front” and “Let the Soldiers Be Heroes.”

This year, there were some changes: gifts for the kids were in short supply. You could blame the country’s dismal financial situation, or take it right from the horse’s mouth: “abnormal climatic conditions” and “blocked sea routes” prevented the tradition from being continued. A handful made out, though “Presents were transported by helicopter for a small number of children,” the release reported, “a measure taken by Kim Jong Il.”

North Korean film festival has begun!

If you just happen to be in Pyongyang for the next week, check out the city’s film festival. It opened yesterday at the People’s Palace of Culture, with the opening ceremony followed by a screening of “The Great Devotion (2009, the year of dramatic changes).” The festival’s fare is predictable in subject matter, but it will give you a leg up on the film junkies who brag about
Sundance and Cannes.

The festival, which begins on February 16, 2010, is set to last 10 days. According to a report by the Korea Central News Agency, North Korea’s official news outlet, those attending the film festival “will watch documentaries showing the undying feats of General Secretary Kim Jong Il making an endless forced march for field guidance, regarding President Kim Il Sung’s idea of believing in people as in Heaven as a maxim at cinemas and halls of culture in Pyongyang and various local areas.”

Some of the films being screened are “A White Gem,” “The Country I Saw” and “White Birch of Paektu,” as well as “other feature films dealing with mental power of the servicepersons and people of the DPRK creating a history of new great surge under the uplifted banner of devotedly defending the leader.”

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North Korea prohibits the use of large suitcases, a model to be replicated?

The effect of monetary policy on the travel industry can be profound in any economy, but in North Korea, it’s usually more complicated. In a developed market, for example, a monetary policy that leads to inflation can make travel more expensive (duh, right). Well, in North Korea, you have to look past the implications of monetary policy to the underlying political drivers … because the root cause can result in more than financial constraints. The end result will blow your mind.

Take Kim Jong Il‘s latest move to revalue the North Korean currency. On its face, it isn’t terribly exciting. Then, you add to it a wealth cap — the people swapping old currency for new could only receive a certain amount back, rendering the unexchanged cash worthless. Though the regime loosened the restrictions from the $40 limit, the policy has still been unpopular. There was some rioting, even some fatalities, but Kim Jong Il and his machine appear to be committed to the measure.

At the same time, the government has announced it would shut down some of the larger private markets, which is how many people survive — the UN estimates that half the calories consumed in North Korea come from these markets. This foray into capitalism has been a pain in the regime’s ass for years, and as the current ruler explores ways to facilitate a handoff to his son, Kim Jong Eun, it’s a good idea to sort all this out. It’s unlikely that the latest Kim will receive a clean Communist state from which to rule, but that won’t stop the current boss from trying.

It’s in these markets that you’ll find the implications of monetary policy for the travel market.The markets are fueled with goods from across the border in China, smuggled in by enterprising and daring North Koreans who are looking for anything from profit to the alleviation of hunger. To make these operations a bit harder, the government has increased border controls, not to mention restrictions on lodging. But, in a manner likely to draw praise from the TSA cause some head-scratching in the rest of the world, the regime has banned big suitcases. Ostensibly, this is to make it harder to smuggle goods into the country for sale in the markets.

You know … if you apply this measure to air travel in the United States, the outcomes would be pretty interesting. Let’s take a look.

The decision of whether to check your luggage or carry it onto the plane disappears. This is one of the most difficult challenges a passenger faces, and thanks to a decision rooted in North Korean monetary policy, it disappears. And, as an added bonus, it also renders any discussion about extra bag fees moot, since the carry-on/check-in decision isn’t relevant.

Have you ever watched with anger as a small person struggles with several big bags, holding up the line at check-in kiosks, security or even the damned Sbarro? With this policy, that wouldn’t happen any more. People would only be able to carry … well … what they can actually carry.

Look, I’m not a fan of the regime in North Korea, and the currency revaluation has had severe consequences — it’s no laughing matter. But, as with any serious situation north of the DMZ, some of the unintended consequences are absurd. A ban on big bags? How the hell do you get from a money swap to luggage? However twisted the road and unfortunate the consequences, it’s hard to hate an idea that would make air travel easier.