An open letter to Kim Jong-Il of North Korea

by Sean McLachlan on

Dear Leader,

I’ve heard that’s how you like to be addressed by the people of North Korea, but since this is the beginning of a letter I guess I should say Dear Dear Leader.

My editor sent me this article claiming that while your people are starving you own six luxurious trains fitted with high-tech communications facilities, conference rooms, and even ballrooms. Since you’re reportedly afraid of flying, I can understand you needing a train with all the communication equipment you’d find in, say, Air Force One, but do you really need the ballrooms? Do you like to invite your nuclear scientists to an evening of waltzing?

Perhaps this story isn’t true. Not all stories about dictators are, after all. The rumor that Hitler only had one ball is highly debatable, for example, and while you did kidnap a South Korean director to start your own movie industry, that doesn’t mean that you have 19 train stations around the country for your exclusive use. This report was in a South Korean newspaper and cited U.S. and South Korean intelligence agencies. Not the most sympathetic observers, to be sure.

I’d like to get to the bottom of this, so here’s a modest proposal. How about you set up a railway tour of North Korea? If you don’t have any luxury trains, you can market it as “Adventure Travel” and bring in rugged backpackers accustomed to hard journeys on third-class trains. If you really do have some luxury trains, perhaps you could spare one of your six, ballroom included, and market it as “Luxury Travel”. You’ll attract a richer clientele and prove your generosity by opening up one of your moving ballrooms for public use.

Instead of paying money, the visitors could pay with food. The food could be pulled along in boxcars behind the ballroom and distributed to your needy people along the way. This would be a great propaganda coup. Your media could broadcast how the Dear Leader is giving up one of his trains to feed his people. Getting your people to actually believe your media is your problem.

I would, of course, be invited along to cover the event. I’ve always been curious about your country and this would be a good way to see it. I’d even bring along some food to give to hungry North Koreans, whom I would insist on interviewing privately and anonymously about life under your rule.

I know you’re going to see this, because even a relatively unknown writer like me Googles himself on a regular basis, and I’m sure you have a whole team of secret police Googling you. So what do you think? Shall we prove those South Koreans wrong and make North Korea the newest destination for backpackers? Or perhaps prove them right and make North Korea the new Monaco? I promise that if you let me leave the country alive I’ll publish a series of features right here on Gadling, and give you an idea of what your people say about you behind your back.

sincerely,

Sean McLachlan

PS: Don’t kidnap me. I have no experience making nuclear weapons or movies.

Pizza and Beer: North Korean health food

by Tom Johansmeyer on

If you visit Pyongyang, you can make a discovery that has been known in bowling alleys across the United States for decades: beer and pizza go together. This year, new approaches to both the food and the drink have been developed, and the only thing missing is the crash of pins in the background.

Back in March, North Korea celebrated its first pizzeria. It took nearly a decade, but the country was able to import the necessary cooking equipment to set up its first “authentic” shop. To keep it going, Kim Jong Il will need to source and import high-quality ingredients regularly. With many of the 24 million people in his country starving, this doesn’t strike me as the best use of national resources.

But, it’s easy for me to judge. I live in New York, a town with 1,520 pizza establishments, according to a search conducted by Reason. That’s one pizza place for every 5,921 people. Meanwhile, North Korea has a person-to-pizza ratio of 24 million to one. Unpleasant, really.

Now, what is pizza without a cold beer?

Beer has been available in North Korea – at least to the extent that anything is over there. A new brand, though, could fortify the members of the working party, as this new brew is purported to have health benefits. The beer is being touted in a commercial on state television. This is strange, in that commercials in general are extremely rare in North Korea, and this seems to be the first for any food or beverage product.

Look for the commercial after the jump.

Of course, the question remains: how many people could actually see the commercial? Let’s not forget, North Korea is famous for its regular power shortages, which affect even the showplace capital city. So, the secret to happiness and longevity may be missed, because nobody could see the ad.

A peek inside the North Korean courts

by Tom Johansmeyer on

There’s something chilling about journalists being detained and tried in a foreign country … a prospect made all the more uncomfortable when you throw the “Dear Leader” into the mix. But, do we really know what’s about to happen? Well, aside from the fact that they’re going to be tried “according to the indictment of the competent organ“?

Frankly, there’s little information about what Laura Ling and Euna Lee are about to experience, unsurprising considering the state of information flow to and from the reclusive Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK – also known as North Korea). Based on the nuggets available, the DPRK has never held an official trial for a foreigner. Evan Hunziker, a missionary who swam from China to North Korea in 1996 – now that’s determination! – was detained for a few months and then released only to commit suicide a little later. Hunziker did not have the benefit of legal proceedings.

Here’s what is known:

Ling and Lee will be tried in the Central Court, the top court in the DPRK. Typically, this is an appellate court, but for cases considered to be extreme – and against the country itself – it has initial jurisdiction. In a sense, this would be like to alleged criminals being tried by the Supreme Court in the United States. So, it looks like the DPRK is trying to make a point.

The judges are elected by the Supreme People’s Assembly – the North Korea’s legislative body. The trial itself will have one judge and two “people’s assessors.” The latter are essentially “lay judges.” Appeals usually warrant a panel with three actual judges.

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Now, this next point is interesting. You do not have to have any legal education or experience to become a judge. Before going on a tirade about the injustice of it all, consider the requirements for becoming a Supreme Court justice. There is no education or experience requirement in the U.S. Constitution. And, the justice has to be confirmed by the legislative body – which sounds strangely like a legislative body’s voting to select judges. In some states, such as New York, the electorate votes for judges, many of whom not only have no legal education or experience but routinely screw up trials because their rulings are contrary to law.

On paper, at least, the two systems aren’t all that different.

The Central Court’s rulings can’t be appealed. If I remember correctly (and it’s been a while since high school civics class), you can’t appeal a Supreme Court ruling. To whom would you appeal it?

Here’s where it get’s a little creepy.

In North Korea, the accused does not have the right to defend herself (or, of course, himself) and does not have the right to be represented by a lawyer. A defense attorney can be selected, according to DPRK law, by the defendant, the defendant’s family or her “organizational representatives” – probably Current TV, in this case. Neither Ling nor Lee has had any legal access, so it seems unlikely that they’ll get to pick a lawyer. I doubt Current TV or the families will have much of a say.

Even if they could choose lawyers, pickings are slim. The U.S. State Department states that there is “no indication that independent, nongovernmental defense lawyers [are available].”

The trial will be conducted in Korean, but the defendants will be able to use their own languages during the trial – a trial that is open to the public, unless there is concern that state secrets may be exposed. Defector testimony suggests that trials are usually closed.

Depending on the exact nature of the charges, the two journalists could spend more than a decade each in a labor camp. Death is not on the table, as this punishment has been reserved for four crimes since 2004: trying to overthrow the government, terrorism (though I don’t think it counts if it’s terrorism against a capitalist devil), treason and “suppressing the people’s movement for national liberation [huh?].” Yep, nice and broad … and you don’t even need to go to court to be executed.

Where did the commies go?

by Grant Martin on

With September came the near fall of another Communitst leader, as Kim Jong Il, dictator over North Korea vanished from the limelight, joining his Cuban counterpart Fidel Castro in the murky depths of unknown, fiercely hidden ailments.

The realist in me knows that both leaders are gravely ill. Kim Jong Il is said to have suffered a stroke early this month and hasn’t since been seen in public — even for state celebrations. In a similar light, Castro, who seems to have largely recovered from last year’s digestive problems, has resigned from his official state role in Cuban politics and now stays largely out of the public eye — no doubt because he is still an aging, fragile man.

But the conspiracy theorist in my has broader, more hopeful aspirations. I think about these two ailing leaders and wonder if perhaps, Communism has taken a toll on them over these last years and if maybe they’ve finally thrown in the towel and headed out to the beach for some good old vaycay.

I see Kim Jong and Fidel sitting on chaise lounges in the Indonesian Archipelago somewhere, bare feet up and drinking out of coconuts while looking out at the setting sun over a crisp, white beach. And Kim Jong looks over, out of his massive blue blockers at Fidel as the Cuban puts down his latest Harry Potter book to take a pull off his strawberry daiquiri. And Kim says, “Hey buddy… we gave it a shot.”

Wherever you two are, know this: I would take two old school Communist evil doers over one rambunctious Latin American president any day of the week. May your countries be open and peaceful and prosperous without you.

Hilarious headlines from the North Korean Central News Agency

by Aaron Hotfelder on

Every once in a while, I like to head over to the website of North Korea’s state-run news agency to see what propaganda they’re currently feeding their unsuspecting populace. Here are a couple headlines and stories I’ve found:

“Kim Jong Il Praised As Most Famous Person of World”

The U.S. magazine “Time” praised him as the most outstanding statesman among the world’s famous politicians in 2004 and an excellent leader in 2006. And this year it listed him as the leader who has the biggest influence on the change of the world and the best reputed leader in the world.

“Scientific Successes in Growing Kimjongilia in DPRK”

Scientists of the DPRK have gained lots of successes in deep-going scientific researches for growing Kimjongilia, the immortal flower admired by all the people, more beautifully over the last 20 years since a newly cultured flower was named Kimjongilia.

“U.S. and S. Korean Warmongers’ Saber Rattling Under Fire”

The U.S. has insisted the recent joint military exercises were of “defensive nature” though they involved adventurous plays with fire aimed at vitiating the peaceful atmosphere on the Korean Peninsula and bringing a nuclear war disaster to the Korean nation. This is like burying its head ostrich-like in the sand… The U.S. and South Korean trigger-happy forces have always watched for a chance to invade the DPRK.

Unsurprisingly, a recurring theme emerges after a brief look through the “news” agency’s archive: Kim Jong Il is universally admired and beloved, except by the war-mongering United States and its sycophantic ally, South Korea.

For more on this hermit kingdom, check out Neil Woodburn’s series, “Infiltrating North Korea.”