Israel, Mecca … no difference to British BMI

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Passengers headed to Israel on a British BMI flight were alarmed to find their destination was Mecca, according to the in-flight map. The airline, it seems, isn’t terribly aware that the Middle East is know for a tiny amount of tension that’s lasted for decades (the most recent iteration, at least).

Pick your joke about “wiping Israel off the map” – the Sydney Morning Herald did.

BMI, of course, denies an anti-Israel bias and cites a technical screw-up. The carrier, which has operated low-cost flights to Israel for more than a year, says it bought two plans from a bankrupt charter company that focused on Muslim destinations. The in-filght systems were programmed to highlight Islamic holy places.

It’s not discrimination. Instead, it’s a careful blend, of laziness, stupidity and poor planning – all of which are excusable in the airline industry, right?

Porn industry disgusted by flight attendant side job

by Tom Johansmeyer on

“Look, we all have standards,” an adult entertainer familiar with the full- and part-time work of Ryanair flight attendant Edita Schindlerova told The Independent. “I think it’s disgusting that she works for Ryanair. All of us here at Biggus Dickus Productions feel really let down by her. If only she had told us she worked for them, maybe we could have done something to help her. Now, she has lost all our trust. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m off to do a three way.”

If you’ve seen Monty Python’s The Life of Brian, you know not to treat “Biggus Dickus” as a joke name.

While many look down their noses at the porn business, it looks like the airlines are able to give even those in the skin biz someone over which to hold a sense of superiority. Of course, the porn folks could learn a lesson in tolerance from Ryanair, which doesn’t care about Edita’s side job as “Edite Bente.”

If you’re surprised to see the porn industry claim any sort of moral high ground, don’t be. Anyone who has spent a bit of time in this business has had to listen to more than a few hours of First Amendment tirades, claims of wanting to be left alone and so on and so on and so on. Yes, it can get tedious, even though some of it is warranted. Either way, it’s pretty crazy to see the porn industry piss all over the airline business. What happened to “live and let live”?Ryanair flight attendant Schindlerova was recently outed as a part-time porn star by London tabloid The Sun. Her employer doesn’t care, and she hasn’t denied the allegations. She was also featured in the airline’s 2009 calendar, a collection of the sexiest employees that the low-cost carrier has to offer.

Her cover was blown by a pilot who somehow stumbled upon her work. Either this was an incredible coincidence, or this guy, who has not had to see his name in the press, spends a hell of a lot of time cruising the web for porn.

Julia Molony, who covered this story for The Independent, suggests, “Watch out fro the free-orgasm-with-every-flight offer on a billboard near you.” Such naïveté … does she really believe that Ryanair would give “free” anything?

Okay, through some investigative journalism on my part, I’ve been able to find some of her night job work. This is absolutely not safe for work or around children.This is not an adult website, rather it is a Czech tabloid, but do understand that they are able to push the envelope a lot farther than we can in the United States.

See our first story on Schindlerova’s erotic escapades.

Good news! Ryanair will NOT make you use coins to enter their bathrooms

by Scott Carmichael on

We’d forgive you if you accused us of being pro/anti Ryanair (depending on what you read).

In the past week we broke the news that the Ryanair CEO was considering introducing coin operated bathrooms on his flights.

Then we reported on remarks of a Ryanair spokesperson who claimed the esteemed Ryanair CEO was just screwing with us. Thankfully the official reply is out – Ryanair will NOT be introducing coin operated bathrooms on their flights.

They will be credit card operated.

That’s right, According to Ryanair, they have actually asked Boeing engineers to design a credit card operated lock that can be installed on the bathroom doors. That pretty much removes all concerns about not having enough change, or any worries about currency issues.

According to Ryanair, if 20% of their passengers use the bathroom on each flight, and they all pay 1 Pound for the right to pee or poo, they’ll earn an additional 15 Million Pounds a year (21 Million Dollars).

As usual, there is something smelly about this plan – the extra income does not take into account the cost of installing the actual credit card operated doors, or the extra manpower required to transfer all these transactions to some kind of computer at the end of the day.

Nor do they seem to worry about the possibility that the equipment will break down, and sooner or later someone will break it when they can’t get the damn thing to accept their hotel loyalty card as a valid method of payment.

We are already on our third installment of this silly idea, but I can’t help feel we are being involved in a funny hoax by the airline. Either way, Mr O’Leary and his airline are clearly masterminds at creating free PR – almost getting themselves on the same level as that other brilliant airline PR guy, Richard Branson.

I just hope Ryanair understands what they are getting themselves in to – many of our commenters already said they’d rather take a dump in the vomit bag than pay the airline.

Update: O’Leary has finally admitted that the whole thing was indeed a cheap PR stunt.

Ryanair removes the airport check-in desk

by Scott Carmichael on

By now I’m sure everyone has heard of Ryanair, the cheeky European low cost carrier. Their insanely low fares have turned them into the third largest airline in Europe.

Of course, in order to offer low fares, you need to cut a few corners. You won’t find any free pretzels on Ryanair. In fact, pretty much anything service related is either non existent, or requires an additional fee.

Their latest cost saving measure is to completely remove all airport check-in desks. That’s right – the familiar desk at the airport where a smiling airline employee would get you checked in and on your way to the gate is being replaced by the Internet.

Ryanair now expects all their passengers to check-in using the web. Of course, this would not be a huge issue if anyone could use the service, but non-EU passengers on Ryanair are unable to do a web checkin. This means that anyone without a European passport will be forced to use (and pay for) the single baggage drop desk at each Ryanair location.

We’ve finally reached a point where a super cheap ticket starts to look less and less interesting. What good is a $20 ticket when the cost of checking in at the airport and taking 2 bags with you can add an extra $80? I’ve long joked that we’ll eventually see an airline charge for using the bathroom, but now I’m convinced that we’ll actually see that happen some time this year.

(Via: The Telegraph)

EasyJet survival guide: six simple steps

by Tom Johansmeyer on
The name is seductive: EasyJet. This low-cost airline boasts occasional fares of below €10 (one way) and can get you almost anywhere in Europe. What’s not to love? Of course, entering the experience, you know deep down that there has to be some unpleasantness involved, but you accept that as a condition for cheap travel. After all, you’re only inconvenienced for a few hours at the most – it’s not like you’re crossing the Atlantic. These are short, easy flights that would be called “regional” back home.

Nonetheless, the whole gig can be an absolute drag.

The most difficult part of the EasyJet excursion is the rush of the crowd … which you’ll endure more than once. At some point, the line at the gate descends into chaos, as boarding “zones” decompose from a single line to several crowds of travelers jockeying for position. Then, the bus from the gate to the airport is little more than a cattle car and sets the scene for another crowded push in which any semblance of order is but a wish. By the time you get to your seat, aisle, window or middle no longer matters. You’re just happy that the uncertainty (as well as the shoving) is finished.

Fortunately, here are ways to make your EasyJet flight a bit easier (and, for those of you bouncing along the northeastern United States [LINK:tag], you can apply some of this to the Delta Shuttle). It’ll never be a first-class experience, but you’ll be able to avoid some of the stress involved in this form of air travel.

[Photos thanks to EasyJet]

1. Get to the gate early, and sit as close to it as possible
Since there is no assigned seating, preparation has its rewards. By arriving at the gate early, you can find a seat as close as possible to the gate itself. When it is time to get in line for boarding, you’ll be among the first to know.

2. Help start the line rather than join it
Once you see a few people start to hover around the gate (not necessarily forming a line but signaling their intentions to do so), join them.

3. Stand near the door on the bus
Those at the front of the line, naturally, will be the first to board the bus that takes you to the plane. The common mistake is to go as deep into the bus as possible, to make it easier for those who follow. Don’t do this. Step through the door and move immediately to one side or the other. You’ll be out of everyone’s way but will still be among the first to step off the bus when you arrive at the plane.

4. Move quickly to the plane
If you think a line forms somewhere between the bus and the plane’s door, you’re out of your mind. Movement continues to be by crowd. Step off the bus as quickly as possible and find your way into the plane. Hesitate, and you will find yourself jostled and (worse) passed en route to the best seats in the house. You’ll be reduced to the same primal urges as your fellow travelers – instead of watching this animalistic drama unfold from the comfort of your seat … which happens to be both bulkhead and aisle!

5. Use your overhead storage
Getting onto the plane early means that you can take advantage of the overhead storage, which does fill quickly. Miss this opportunity, and you will lose that precious legroom under the seat in front of you (as I did). I measured the space from the front of my seat’s cushion to the back of the one in front of me. I can’t give you an exact number of inches, but I can confirm that it’s less than the length of a size 9 ½ shoe. The floor-space, of course, is a bit larger, but not much. Every inch counts. If you can recapture some space under the seat in front of you by tossing your bag above your head, don’t give it a second thought.

6. Bring your own nourishment
If you thought domestic airlines in the United States were stingy, EasyJet will change your perspective. Even the basics start at €1, and shooting a desperate look will only get you a shrug or an apology – neither of which will address your thirst. Eat before you board, and bring a bottle of water. If you have a longer flight, maybe grab a small snack. Remember: this is not long-haul. I brought neither water nor food on my two-hour flight from Madrid to Marrakech and was fine. But, if the thought of even a short period of time without some sort of refreshment is akin to unchecked brutality, pay either before you board or on the plane. The price will be about the same.