Boot camp yourself to wedding-dress thin

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Any man should know better than to talk about women and weight … especially when it comes to fitting into a wedding dress. But, this idea is interesting enough that I’m willing to risk my safety. Live in Fitness Enterprises has put together “The Bridal Retreat,” which is not as innocuous as it sounds. If you’re worried about looking good for your groom in a two-piece on the honeymoon or need to drop some serious pounds for the big day, they’ll get you into fighting shape.

This “boot camp for brides” situates the victims participants in luxurious one-bedroom suites, with inspiring Los Angeles ocean views. It’s the perfect scene to which to crawl back after putting in your time with fitness expert Eric Viskoicz. After a series of fitness assessments, brides receive custom itineraries that include training sessions, meetings with nutritionists, motivational speeches and tailored meals.

Sounds nice, right?

Well, training starts every day at 8 AM and runs for 11 hours. Meals are served “every couple of hours” – between hiking, kickboxing bouts, spinning, water aerobics and other activities designed to make the fat melt away.

No pain, no gain. Remember, the pictures from your wedding will follow you for the rest of your life.

7 steps for surviving a destination wedding

by Tom Johansmeyer on

It always sounds like it’s going to be fun. Your friend is getting married somewhere exotic and has invited you to come along. What’s not to love? Really, everything. Destination weddings are recipes for disaster. They are even worse when it’s your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend or family member who has the connection. Quickly, you find yourself surrounded by people who don’t interest you in an environment dominated by group activities.

It seems like there’s no way out. Just accept the fact that you’ll sit through many meals over several days with the same people. You’ll hear the same self-important douche hold forth over the mundane details of his unimportant life. Friends of the bride will jockey for favor in front of you. And, you’ll be somewhere incredibly interesting and unable to enjoy it … unless you follow my advice.

Before I get started, a few notes for anyone inclined to comment on this story:

  • Yes, I am lucky to be married, and no, you wouldn’t want to be married to me
  • I know you wouldn’t tolerate my behavior at your wedding
  • You’d probably kick me out (and I’d be fine with that)

Okay, my destination wedding survival tips are after the jump!
1. Become a smoker
If you aren’t a smoker yet, take up the filthy habit. It’s a great way to disappear for lengths of time that are entirely up to you. Everyone will be disgusted with you, but they probably would be anyway. So, now you have the chance to disappear for a while, and nobody will follow you because they think your habit is vile. It’s perfect! I happen to be a cigar smoker, which is even better. Nobody has any interest in coming near me, and one smoke buys me a minimum of 45 minutes of solitude.

This tactic becomes even more powerful when you combine it with one of the others, particularly bringing a book or being involved in work-related phone calls or e-mailing. These other activities give you something to do when you’re smoking. At the destination wedding I attended in Helsinki, I just called my father. When someone walked by, I put a panicked look on my face to make it look like work. I doubt anybody believed me, but I figured I got points for trying.

2. Don’t be afraid to piss off your spouse/partner
All it takes is one public argument to embarrass your reason for being at this event, and you will have a free pass for the rest of the trip. Why? There is nothing worse than fighting in front of people whose opinions matter to you. But, if you are dragged to the wedding at your partner’s behest, you have nothing to lose. One scuffle, and you can do what you want. You’ll be amazed at what your significant other will endure to avoid a public display of contempt.

You will have an unspoken strain permeating your relationship during the trip. The good news, however, is that you’ll be forgiven when you get home. Things that happen on the road tend to stay there. If you can handle a week of a mild discomfort, everything else is easy.

3. Bring something to read
This really is the apex of antisocial behavior. There is nothing quite like cracking open Mary Roach’s Spook during the wedding ceremony (funny that I can be guilty of this but not feel guilty at all). When you read at a gathering, you’re sending a pretty clear message. Nobody will bother you. They know to stay away.

Okay, since there’s no such thing as a free lunch, I’m going to suggest that you bring Best Sex Writing 2009 to the next destination wedding you’re forced to attend. There are several reasons for you to read this important work of non-fiction. First, there’s nothing like that four-letter word in a three-letter word’s body to offend everyone around you. It’s like cigar smoke on steroids. Next, actually reading the book will show you that there are many important issues regarding sexuality that should be explored. Finally, I have an essay in it. I’d like to have an essay in the 2010 volume (HINT, HINT, Rachel Kramer Bussel!).

4. Remember that you’re indispensable at work
Before I realized the power of the three tools above, I found myself at a rehearsal dinner (#1) without a cigars, (#2) while trying to keep my wife happy and (#3) sans book. Needless to say, this is the last time I let that happen while stuck at this wedding in Finland. So, I had to pretend that I was working on a critical problem for my employer … you know, the folks who “pay the bills.” It’s hard to say “no” to that! As I pecked away at my Blackberry, of course, my colleagues were getting incredibly annoyed. They actually had work to do.

For extra effect, call someone (anyone will do), and engage in some talk that sounds business-related. Then, end it with, “C’mon, man. I’m just trying to get away for a couple of days. Can’t you have [random name] handle it?” Pause, sigh and continue, “Yeah, I know it’s important. I’ll be available if you need me, but only if you need me.” Nobody will believe you (unless you’re a better liar than I am), but at least you’ll know you’ve tried to make an excuse.

Tip: If you’re phone doesn’t ring, answering it isn’t believable. So, pretend you got an e-mail asking you to call someone. Or, e-mail a co-worker and ask that he or she call you.

5. Argue with people, preferably family members of the bride or groom
If you are an awful conversationalist, nobody will want to talk to you. So, try to drive all discussions toward the big three: politics, religion and money. Make sure you are as contrarian as possible. Surrounded by conservatives? You just became a liberal! Bring up the lost promise of the Dukakis campaign. Take a stand, and make your point aggressively. Above all else, know that you are always right, and use that position of intellectual superiority to guide every interaction.

Now, you have to be careful with this one. If you are too pushy and rude, the whole thing will blow up in your face. Being left alone is a lot different from being banned from all activities. So, don’t raise your voice or insult anyone (directly). Just make it clear that you are never going to agree with whoever is stuck talking to you. Be dismissive. That way, you can poke your target without being overtly rude.

6. Avoid the shithead
You’ll always find at least one. At the last wedding I attended, there were several (one in particular was a douche with an internship who believed it mattered). Arguing with this guy (#5) will not cut your way. He’s an asshole, and because of his long ties to some schmuck involved with the wedding, he can get away with it. You can’t. Engaging this presence will only be trouble for you.

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

You’ll know who the asshole is within the first hour of the multi-day destination wedding experience. Avoid him at all costs. Run to the bathroom if you must, just to wait for the coast to clear. If he’s approaching, pull out your Blackberry and pretend you just got an urgent e-mail. Just get away, and stay away.

7. Choose what to skip
Especially for some psychotic brides, everything may be scripted. So, you could wind up staring down several days in a cool place with absolutely no freedom to explore what you want. That’s bullshit. You know it; I know it. Don’t treat the itinerary as mandatory. Feel free to blow off dinners or gatherings in order to go see or do what turns you on.

My first night in Helsinki, I skipped some quasi-bachelor party (I don’t do saunas, and they don’t do strippers) to explore the city’s art galleries. It was the best night of my trip. Sure, I got some grief for not being a “team player,” but I didn’t care. I was actually happy.

Remember, ev
ery day is a struggle to preserve your sanity.

Don’t step off the plane planning to enjoy yourself. That’s not why you’re attending the destination wedding. Instead, develop little tactics for extracting what pleasure you can from the experience without damaging any relationships irreparably.

You won’t be happy, and you aren’t going to make anybody happy. Don’t try: just get by.

[Photos from Migrant Blogger]

Ritz-Carlton announces Ritz-Carlton Reserve for global travelers

by Meg Massie on

Looking to expand the company’s luxury brand to the far corners of the planet, the Ritz-Carlton has officially announced the first Ritz-Carlton Reserve resort in Phulay Bay in Krabi, Thailand.

These new resorts will be built in beautiful, remote destinations, with the guest suites designed for peaceful relaxation and seclusion, while resort amenities will feature all the luxury that is associated with the Ritz-Carlton name.

The Phulay Bay resort was designed by Thai architect Lek Bunnag, giving the property a modern style with local flavor. The guest rooms have gorgeous views of the Andaman Sea as well as private plunge pools and sheltered outdoor baths and rainforest showers. Public amenities at the resort include an infinity pool, fitness center, spa, casual and fine dining, cooking and batik painting classes, and an event space perfect for wedding of up to 80 guests.

The Ritz-Carlton Reserve is now taking reservations for Phulay Bay for 2009. Visit www.ritzcarltonreserve.com for more information. Future resorts are planned for Costa Rica, Puerto Rico, Turks & Caicos and The United Arab Emirates.

Hôtel de Glace version 9 is coming soon

by Meg Massie on

When the nights are long and the weather is icky, you can make like a bear and tuck in until spring, or you can make the most of it and have fun with the cold weather. Maybe you’ve outgrown your sledding and snowman days, but you can still live it up in a real winter wonderland at Québec’s Hôtel de Glace.

Open every year from January through March, this ice hotel is newly rebuilt every year with a new design, featuring sculpted archways and enchanting ice sculptures. There are 36 rooms and theme suites for overnight visitors, all featuring ice beds with heavy duty sleeping bags. Temperatures inside the hotel are steady between -3°C and -5°C, no matter what the weather is like outdoors. The hotel’s information guide tells you everything you need to know about dressing for a trip like this.

You can tour the hotel without spending the night, or you can take advantage of the special packages the Hôtel de Glace offers — they have special couples packages, a dogsledding adventure, and even several wedding packages.

Visit the Hôtel de Glace website between now and November 26th, and you can enter to win a free stay at the ice hotel.

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All photos courtesy Hôtel de Glace and used by permission.

Band on the Run: Sister Servant (Pre-Wedding)

by Ember Swift on

This title is tongue-in-cheek. In fact, quite literally; my tongue has found itself being held down between my teeth many times in the “bite your tongue” fashion since my sister decided to get married a year ago, regularly finding itself wedged between my molars and only able to greet the inside of my cheek rather than be used to form words. And, that’s a good thing – really and truly. The motto that I have stuck to (and gratefully) has been to “stand by, offer help and question nothing.”

After all, weddings are for the bride and the groom, right? Some say it’s for the family, but in this case I’d say it’s really for my sister and her husband-to-be. She’s getting married in Maui, Hawaii next week and it’s her dream wedding location. He (the groom) is in love with my sister and knows better than to have any conflicting dream! Together with about fifty family members and friends, we will gather on the beach and enjoy the palm trees and sand while they tie the knot.

No hurricanes please.

Summers are a time of weddings. We just got back from Lyndell’s sister’s wedding in Northern BC and I’ll be off to my sister’s event next week (and be sure to post about Hawaii). The “sister servant” reference is really a reference to what happens to musicians and performers when people in their lives get married.

Quite simply: we get put to work. It goes with the territory.

Whether it be as a wedding band (yikes!); or as an MC at the reception or the various events beforehand like the Stag & Doe party; or as the music that people hear while the church or hall or synagogue or beach area is being slowly populated with attendees; or, quite commonly as the song that is sung during the signing of the marriage certificate. Whatever the particular task is, it surely includes a microphone or the ability to project one’s voice in a cavernous building of somebody’s worship!

I have been asked to do all of these things at one point or another. Usually, it’s a gig. For my family, it’s a gift.

(Do you still have to buy the bride and groom a wedding present if you’re the music and the MC? I’ve been trying to figure this out, but I’ve come up empty. I could use some advice here!)

You see, I’m certainly not a traditionalist. I have been to many weddings and they’re all so different that I really can’t place how it’s done exactly. All I know is that I am often expected to speak to the people, make everyone feel comfortable, program the music for the assembling of people (luckily, I talked her into using a CD for that part) and singing during the signing. Also, happily, I won’t be the music for the reception. There’s no way my band could have afforded the trip to Hawaii – I couldn’t even afford it and so begged a loan to get there next week – and so she will be using the in-house band. Should be fun to watch. Especially because by the time we get to the reception, it will be other people working and not me for once. Phew!

When Lyndell and I arrived in Prince George on the night before her sister’s wedding, we were both prepared to perform together during the signing of the marriage certificate the next day. Lyndell’s sister had asked to learn a song by James Blunt (who sounds suspiciously like Rod Stewart, don’t you think? Maybe it’s Rod’s voice and music with a young hottie in the ad campaigns? I’m just sayin’!) and she wanted Lyndell to play the violin. Well, this song is called “Goodbye My Lover” and it seemed strangely inappropriate for a wedding. The words are about a break-up, but we dutifully sang while I drove and she practiced on the violin. After the many hours on the road, we arrived with the words and melodies memorized.

I’m thrilled to report that I didn’t have to sing. She didn’t want the words to be sung (knowing it wasn’t the right theme!) and so Lyndell just played with her cousin (“once removed,” I might add) who is also a professional musician (pianist) and who was able to find the sheet music in a local music shop. He hadn’t known he was playing until the day before either, but took the task on effortlessly.

I, on the other hand, watched the whole thing by myself in a pew and befriended a little kid named Sammy, the little brother of one of the bridesmaids. We had a great time shooting pictures and trying not to get in trouble.

Now, for my sister’s wedding, I’m planning a few songs so that she can veto the ones that don’t work and choose the ones that do. After navigating a dangerous tryst with my Mother who tried to insert the songs of her choice behind my sister’s back (that’s the equivalent of trying to get me killed by my older sister!), I have narrowed it down to four and she will choose two. That’s my task on this six-day break that I’m on before flying over to the land of the tropics for four days.

Luckily, I arrive a day and a half before the actual wedding day, which gives me just enough time to brush-up on the songs of her choice. I’ll then lounge with a piña colada in the hopes that the beach and the umbrellas in my drinks will help me to forget how much money I’ll owe for the four-day pleasure.

I only have one sister.

I wouldn’t miss her special day for the world.

In servitude,

— the musician, and sister.