Motion sickness sucks. Whether you’re on a plane, in a car or on a boat, that type of nausea is just crippling. On top of that, it’s really embarrassing to throw up in public. It grosses people out and makes everyone, including you, uncomfortable. Imagine, then, what it must feel like to throw up while laying on top of someone…in a hang glider…2,000 feet above ground. Apparently, however, that type of airsickness is not the least bit awkward. In fact, the hang glider in this video seems to possess the magical ability to make such aerial regurgitation downright amusing (at least to the pilot, who seems positively tickled by his passenger’s condition).
We’re really left with only two questions: What did that guy have for breakfast and were the people below wearing ponchos?
Over on Reddit earlier this month, there was a fascinating and hysterical story written by someone who was on an airplane with two seemingly horrible passengers. In fact, he ended up seated directly in between them [Note: The photo to the right is not the author of the Reddit post]. It seems that a mother (on crutches, mind you) boarded the plane with her young son. Rather than move their seats so that the mother and child could sit together, these two women argued that they have “flying issues” and needed to remain in their assigned seats. It turns out that they are sisters and, according to the Reddit user, are quite curmudgeonly. In fact, when he tried to assist with the situation, he was tersely told to mind his own business. After takeoff, the Reddit user and the woman seated next to him traded their seats with the mother and child. Now, however, our intrepid storyteller is smack dab in the middle of the two women who started this whole kerfuffle. Which leads us to his query: “What can i do to make their flight as akward as possible” [sic] We feel compelled to chime in. What exactly are the five best ways to annoy your airplane seatmate?5. Total armrest domination
It actually appears as if the Reddit user has already employed this classic maneuver. We’ve covered middle seat etiquette before and don’t believe that he’s doing anything wrong by controlling both armrests. It’s his birthright. But that doesn’t make it any less annoying to the ladies on either side of him.
4. The art of conversation
It’s time to get chatty. Discuss the weather. Talk about the reason for your trip. Ask your neighbors if they think the rash on your lower back looks abnormal. Whatever you do, keep talking. Are they ignoring you by working on their computers or reading newspapers? Don’t let that stop you. Keep chatting away, even if no one is listening.
3. Something smells fishy
Who doesn’t like tuna fish sandwiches? Everyone seated around you on the plane, that’s who. If you really want to bother your seatmates, eat something offensive. With fewer airlines offering free meals, you will need to plan ahead and pack that anchovy and bleu cheese sandwich yourself.
2. Bathroom breaks
Ask the flight attendant for extra water. After all, you need to stay hydrated on planes. Sadly, though, you can never really own water. You just kind of rent it. Asking to use the bathroom once on a flight is expected. Getting up twice isn’t too far-fetched. After your sixth trip to the head, however, you’re seatmate will be ready to stand up and scream. Which is helpful, since you’ll be able to get into the aisle again for your seventh bathroom run.
There may be nothing worse than traveling next to a sick passenger. Feel free to get creative in how you portray your illness. You can go with the common cold and simply sneeze every 1-3 minutes. The sore throat is a classic and allows you to go with the excruciatingly annoying consistent throat clearing maneuver. To get the most bang for your buck, however, you’ll want to go full vomit. Work up to it, though. Start by talking about how you feel nauseous. No one likes hearing about a stranger’s stomach issues. Go to the bathroom with an excessive sense of urgency. Place your hand over your mouth, on your stomach, or on your buttocks. Covertly fake some gurgling noises. Now, depending on how committed you are to this, you can go all in. Vomit into the airsickness bag (either for real or sneakily dump some airport Sbarro’s lasagna in there). Do not miss the bag. Remember that you’re trying to annoy the passengers, not create extra work for the flight crew.
What did we miss? Surely there are more ways to annoy your seatmates. Let us know in the comments. We sure hope that the Reddit user came up with something good. Oh, and the next time you have the chance to help a passenger by switching seats or assisting them with a bag, just do it. It makes the world – or at least your flight – a better place.
Obviously, we love SkyMall and celebrate it every week right here in this space with SkyMall Monday. We enjoy everything that SkyMall has to offer (with only one exception). It’s no wonder, then, that I was recently quoted in a CNN.com article about SkyMall. Despite being a world-renowned expert in all things SkyMall, even I can learn a thing or two about our favorite in-flight catalog. As such, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the article included a few examples of products that SkyMall has rejected. What horrific inventions would offend SkyMall’s sensibilities so much that they would refuse to peddle such wares? This week, SkyMall Monday takes a look at these rejected items to determine if they truly deserved to be exiled from the skies.
The Frank Former
Pictured above, the Frank Former “turns your favorite hot dog into a smiling “hot dog man” that comes to life before your eyes.” Firstly, I once saw a film entitled “Hot Dog Man” and, let me tell you, nothing about that movie was appetizing. Secondly, unless Dr. Frankenstein is cooking these hot dogs in his laboratory, I highly doubt that they will come to life. Lastly, people love hot dogs because they are simple. Throw one in a bun and eat it with your hands. Cut them up into bite-sized pieces for the kids. No muss, no fuss. The Frank Former appears to be mussy, fussy and full of lies.
Chuck the Yuck
It’s never fun to get airsick (or seasick, for that matter). Thankfully, airlines still provide barf bags for passengers who can’t handle the turbulence and/or “chicken” with “cream sauce.” In fact, those airsickness bags might just be the last free items that airlines still provide. Why, then, would you want to spend your own money on Chuck the Yuck? Perhaps if you wanted to show your style with a “hip line of barf bags, designed to dispose of all pregnancy and kid-related garbage and yuck.” At $4.95 plus $1.25 for shipping for a five-pack, the total works out to more than one dollar per bag. That’s a lot of money to literally throw in the garbage.
Ladies, how often have you envied the fact that men can urinate standing up? We pee on the side of the road when rest stops are unavailable, in the woods on camping trips and in alleys when the line at the bar is just too long. Sure, you can squat in all of those places, but that’s a risky maneuver. Thanks to GoGirl, however, you can now urinate standing up, too! As we typically do, let’s take a look at the product description:
GoGirl is easy to use. Just lower your panties, and put GoGirl against your body, forming a seal. Aim and, well, pee. Pretty simple, huh? GoGirl fits easily in your purse, pocket, or glove compartment…While the concept may be new to you, European women have used female urination devices for years.
So much wrong there. Sure, when you first purchase it, you’ll be caring around a clean GoGirl. After you use it? Why yes, that is a pee-soaked funnel next to your unfinished bag of Combos in the glove compartment (or worse, your purse – as if you don’t already have enough stuff in there). Also, Europeans have done plenty of things for years – ignored personal hygiene, expressed racism openly, kept the mullet alive – that I don’t recommend we embrace as Americans.
The upside to GoGirl? They created a promotional video. Their product may not be good enough for SkyMall, but their video (and the woman in the blazer with some epic 1980s shoulder pads) sure did make my day.
So, at least we have that. And, thousands of products that SkyMall does sell so that we can improve our lives. These products might not have made the cut, but we’re all better off because of it.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.