SkyMall Monday: Portable Microwave

by Mike Barish on

When I’m toiling away in the SkyMall Monday headquarters, I tend to cook a lot. From burritos to tacos to quesadillas, I enjoy preparing a wide array of ethnic foods. But when I travel, I often crave those tastes of home. Unfortunately, cooking on the road can pose a real challenge. At home I have all of my gadgets, like a freezer to hold my Hot Pockets and microwave to heat up said pockets to the appropriate hotness. Surely I cannot travel with a microwave. It’s not like I own a spaceship or K.I.T.T. The last thing I want to do when I travel is rely solely on roadside eateries, because, as you can tell from my cooking expertise, I treat my body like a temple. So, how can I whip up my favorite meals when I’m away from home? This sounds like a job for SkyMall! And, of course, our favorite catalog has the solution. My fellow connoisseurs of rapidly cooked cuisine, I present to you the Portable Microwave Oven!
Finally, I can enjoy chewy pizza, faux-buttered popcorn and off-colored vegetables in my boat, motel room, or even in my car! Now, normally I do my best to convince you how awesome these products are, but the Portable Microwave’s product description is so amazing, that I we’re going to get right to it.

Take it away, SkyMall:

The microwave plugs into a wall outlet, a car or boat’s DC outlet, or connects to a car battery (jumper cables provided), allowing you to make popcorn or reheat food at campsites, tailgate parties, or during boating excursions.

Jumper cables included? What could possibly go wrong by rigging a radiation device to jumper cables?

The 10″ wide by 7″ deep interior easily accommodates a salad plate or soup bowl, and the microwave has three preset buttons (pizza, coffee, and popcorn) or you can enter the cooking time in minutes and seconds.

Mmmm, microwaved coffee just like Juan Valdez used to make. And I am so thrilled that it accommodates salad bowls, as I love nothing more than some hot, wilted lettuce after a long day on the road. Hot salad is what got the first pioneers across the American West. Well, that and some cannibalism.

Campfires are for suckers and grills are so last century. I need my food now and I need it smoldering on the inside while cold on the outside.

So, if you like scalding your mouth (and nuking your testicles) while doing 75mph down Route 66, then stop using your hot pot in your El Camino and step up to the Portable Microwave Oven.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker

by Mike Barish on

Fact: Americans love tube steak. Fact: I am wildly amused by the term “tube steak.” Fact: You’re reading SkyMall Monday. This week we solve the age-old problem that has flummoxed chefs, cooks and food preparers for, well, ages: How do I cook a hot dog? It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma on a toasted bun. Thankfully, our favorite catalog has, once again, come to the rescue. Because now we can finally relax our gag relflexes and enjoy all the tube steaks that we can handle. Now we have the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker.

I know what you’re thinking. “But Mike, I can think of several ways to cook a hot dog. Why do I need a device that only serves one purpose and isn’t the least bit necessary or convenient?” Well, sure, I could “think” of ways to do things until I’m blue in the face. But you can’t think a hot dog into my stomach. And as for being convenient, well, that sounds like a made up word. However, I’ll indulge your fantasies and consider these other alleged ways that you could cook a hot dog.

Microwave: Yeah, it’s fast. But if you mistakenly leave your hot dog in there for 20 minutes it will explode. That’s a risk that I’m just not willing to take.
Grill: Nothing says summer like a hot dog with some gorgeous grill marks. But what happens when I want a hot dog in the winter? You expect me to put a jacket on and grill outside? That’s ludicrous.
Boil: Sure, you could boil a hot dog on your stove top. But have you ever drank the leftover hot dog water? It’s terrible! And pouring the used water down the drain just seems so wasteful.
Oven: This seems convenient, but you’re going to need an oven mitt. That’s how they upsell you. Who’s “they?” Shhh, they’re probably listening to us right now.
Campfire: My landlord frowns upon me using this method.

As always, I defer to the sage masters who provide us with the product description:

Operating much like a pop-up toaster, this unique kitchen appliance lets you easily prepare two hot dogs (complete with toasted buns) in minutes. Its 660-watt electronic heating coil has time settings for heating hot dogs and buns to your taste preference. Crumb basket removes for cleaning.

All of the other cooking methods that I listed above allow you to cook a seemingly unlimited number of hot dogs at one time. The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker can only handle two hots dogs and buns, so now you don’t have to worry about portion control. It’s taken care of for you. Plus, you’re middle child will finally get the hint that you don’t like him when he sees that there’s just no hot dog for him to eat.

See, as usual, I’m right. You need the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. You need to stop using logic and reason. You need to pass the relish.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.