Airfarewatchdog visited recently a new restaurant in our neighborhood and boy were we surprised at what we saw on the menu.
That’s right, diners! This restaurant is under new management! At Trans Air Airlines, we sure weren’t making money flying people places, so we thought what the heck, why not try the fine dining business to earn some “ancillary revenue” as we like to call it. While you’re waiting for your server to take your order, please enjoy reading about this exciting new concept!
First of all, we’ll now be giving discounts if you buy your meal online in advance of your visit. If you must cancel your reservation, we will provide a refund, minus a $100 “service fee” ($250 for foreign-sounding menu items, such as Coq au Vin). If you have commenced your meal but cannot finish it for any reason, there are no refunds. This applies, for example, if you choke on a fishbone, turn blue, and collapse face first into the mashed sweet potatoes.
And although we aim for exemplary service (we are Trans Air, after all), please be advised that from time to time, due to circumstances beyond our control or any other Force Majeure event (that’s a French term meaning “anything we refuse to take responsibility for”), we reserve the right to cancel your meal without notice. Or we may substitute an entrée of our choosing, say, the Steak and Frites a la Nonstop ($17.95 plus meals tax, sales tax, Federal meals excise tax, city kitchen inspection fee, electricity surcharge, and whatever other fees we can dream up now or in the future) with the Connection Burger ($7.95) or any other meal of our choice. As per our policy, in the event of such substitution you will receive a refund for any price difference, minus a “service fee” (see above). Meal delivery times are also not guaranteed, although delays of more than six hours are uncommon. Unfortunately, we require that you remain at your table while waiting.
And please be aware that if your steak frites special is burnt to a crisp when it finally arrives (delivery times are subject to change and cannot be guaranteed), you can’t send it back to the kitchen for a redo. Instead, please email our customer service department. They might send you a $5 coupon valid for your next meal. Or they might not. And please don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology from our overworked, taciturn waiters if they screw up your order. Most of them are furloughed Trans Air flight attendants and are on food stamps.
And please do not converse with your fellow diners while you wait, otherwise you may discover that the person at the next table paid only half what you did for his steak frites special. Please visit our Web site for our full contract of dining.
Also, while you wait for your meal, please refrain from filling in the comment cards. We are aware that the seats are thin and uncomfortable (we’re trying to keep costs down in order to offer you the best possible prices) and we know the tables are so crammed together you have to crawl under them to reach your chair.
You may have also noticed that our menu prices change several times a day (best to check online before leaving home).
Now a word about our fees. In order to keep menu prices low, we have instituted the following extra charges:
- Coat check: $5 first item, $10 second item, $20 third and additional items
- Napkins (paper): $1 per person
- Napkins (cloth): $5 per person
- Ketchup and mustard: $5 per item per table
- Booster seats: $10 per child
- Water refill: $1
- Second water refill: $2
- Third and subsequent refills: $3
These fees are subject to change without notice and are non refundable, even if the waiter forgets to provide them.
We regret that we have eliminated placemats, crayons and coloring books for the kiddies, flowers, and those plastic cocktail stirrers (use your plastic spoon please).
And if you’re fed up waiting, next time please try our VIP section (over there, behind the velvet ropes). Here you’ll experience an even better level of service. You’ll note that menu prices are about 10 times higher than in our “economy” section. We realize that most people scoff at the idea of a $700 hamburger deluxe, but to each his own.
A final note: we will be closing off part of the restaurant next month, reducing our seating capacity by 50 percent, and subsequently will be increasing our menu prices. However, we will continue to provide the same level of service you have come to expect. Business has been terrible lately (we have no clue why), and we hope that by providing fewer tables, eliminating staff, and introducing new fees, things will turn around. Fingers and toes crossed!
By now, you’ve probably been waiting quite a while for one of our dedicated “meal attendants” to take your order. Please be advised that because our staff has “timed out” (that’s industry speak for working the maximum number of hours permitted each day) you’ll need to stay where you are until breakfast (see aforementioned contract of dining). We recommend the waffles, priced at $2.95, $3.50, $5.00, $7.60, $9.15, and $10.95 depending on advance purchase.
Thanks for your understanding. Now sit back, relax, and enjoy your night.
George Hobica is the founder of Airfarewatchdog™, the most inclusive source of airfare deals that have been researched and verified by experts. Airfarewatchdog compares fares from all airlines and includes the increasing number of airline-site-only and promo code fares