Top ten ways to become an obnoxious business traveler

by Scott Carmichael on

In my many years of travel, I’ve come across my fair share of completely obnoxious assholes. The kind of traveler that flies mainly for business, on tickets paid for by his or her boss. They usually have a ton of status, but because they never pay for these tickets themselves, they have earned themselves a false sense of entitlement.

You’ll laugh at these things – but they are all from real people I’ve encountered.

“DYKWIA”

Use this phrase a lot. Do You Know Who I Am is one of the most important tools of the obnoxious business traveler. The gate agent or flight attendant may know your name, but without your constant reminding of your importance, they’ll never know just what a big shot you actually are.
Don’t just “have status” – wear it!

Don’t settle for knowing you are an elite “platinum global services 1K member” – buy a lanyard and wear your elite status card around your neck. This way people can see how important you are. Wave the card at anyone that gets in your way.

Remember the phrase “this is not your cabin”

Once you are settled in your first class seat, pay close attention to people who don’t look like they belong in your cabin. Feel free to tell them that the economy class cabin is in the back of the plane. Apply the same logic in the elite boarding line at the gate, or the elite check-in desk. Bonus points for using the phrase “shoo” in your rant.

Always remember that you are more important than the airline staff

If an airline employee gives you a hard time, remind them that you are more important, that you make more money, and that you pay their salary. It is important to make sure these people know their place. The phrase “I pay your salary” is a sure way to remind them that they need to help you.

Always carry too much luggage

Don’t settle for checking bags, that is for tourists and people with floral pattern luggage. All your bags belong in the main cabin. Ignore the gate agents talking about how many pieces of luggage you are allowed as those rules don’t apply to you.

Boarding first is a sign of how important you are

Being in “group one” is a bit of an insult to you – the airline needs to invent a secret “group zero” for people with your status. So, when you arrive at the gate, be sure to walk up towards the boarding doors and make it obvious that you will be boarding first. The objective here is to prevent being blocked by the status-less riff-raff.

Talk loudly on your phone

Remember that your loud and obnoxious phone calls are another way to show people how important you are. Use lots of big words to confuse the uneducated people listening in on your call.

Also, don’t forget to keep talking when you approach a customer service desk. Your call is always more important than their time. Walk up to the desk, hand them your ticket, and use hand movements to explain what you want them to do – but don’t stop talking, no matter how unimportant the call may be.

Tell, don’t ask

When requesting changes from the airline, always tell them, don’t ask them. The commoners “ask” for an earlier flight – you tell the airline what you want, and demand that it happens.

The flight attendant is once again the stewardess

Forget the whole “we are here for your safety” mantra – the flight attendant is actually a stewardess. Think of them as your personal servant. Don’t settle for “a coke” – make insane demands. Ask for two and a half slices of lime with your coke. Or a coke with 4 ice cubes. Anything to make their lives just a little more miserable is going to make you feel a little happier with yourself.

Always take your time

Never let anyone rush you. If you are blocking the aisle when everyone wants to disembark, relax for a moment. Take your time to put your jacket on, turn on your phone and check your messages, and don’t worry about the 140 people standing behind you. They are nowhere near as important as you.

(opening image: Getty)

Virtuoso Travel Network sees travel market comeback

by Tom Johansmeyer on

The latest study from the Virtuoso Travel Network sees international leisure and luxury travel on a pleasant trajectory, providing a glimmer of hope for the beleaguered travel market. Corporate travel, on the other hand, continues to lag, but that’s a function of the economy and companies that will err on the side of fiscal conservatism for a while.

The member survey by Virtuoso, which consists of travel retailers, reports that 39 percent of respondents se international leisure travel as most insulated from broader econmic pressures, and stays of three-to-five days have continued to go strong (according to 21 percent of respondents). Few see the long vacation and corporate segments as resilient – only 18 percent and 13 pecent, respectively. But, more than half see both the corporate and leisure markets bouncing back in the next six months.

“Many people are not aware that travel represents the world’s largest service industry; that it makes up 9.4 percent of the world’s GDP and 220 million jobs worldwide. Travelers benefit the world economy and deepen world understanding. We are happy to help people travel again while benefiting countries that rely on tourism revenue,” said Virtuoso CEO Matthew D. Upchurch, CTC.

Eighty-one percent of Virtuoso members have reported a year-over-year increase in future bookings, and 80 percent report that sales are up over the last three month.

Business travelers on the brink of scoring free internet access

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Having to pay for internet access in hotels is nothing more than moronic. If the revenue is such a big deal, hotels should just slap the $9.99 — or whatever it is — onto the room rate and tell us they’re giving it away for nothing. But, nothing’s worse than spending $250 a night and having to pay another fee to connect to the web, which you’re going to have to do even if you’re on vacation, let alone traveling for business.

The slump in the travel business is giving business travelers more negotiating leverage, which they are using to score free access to the web. The need to put heads in beds, and business travelers still command the big budgets. Back in my corporate travel days, I’d spend $1,000 or more simply on the room … every week. Most leisure travelers don’t come near that on an annual basis — and my spend was modest compared to executives with the approval to satisfy more discriminating tastes.

So, you’d think hotels would want to keep business travelers happy, right? And since internet access is what’s most important to this group of hotel buyersSome upscale hotels, like the new Andaz chain from Hyatt, are rolling internet access into their rates, while major chains such as Hilton, Marriott and Starwood are giving in to business traveler demands but not changing their policies (to avoid setting a precedent they’ll be stuck with when the market recovers).

For the hotel business, giving up the internet money isn’t easy. The industry is at its 20-year low point, with revenue per available room-night (RevPAR) off 17 percent last year. The top properties suffered RevPAR declines of 24 percent. So, when Toni Hinterstoisser, general manager of the Andaz Wall Street, calls internet access charges “an easy way to make money,” it’s clear that the fee is a hard one to give up. Easy money is the best kind when the travel market is in the tank.

Some business travelers benefit from the recession

by Tom Johansmeyer on

A growing number of business travelers is trading the appellation “road warrior” for “day tripper.” Tighter corporate travel budgets are prompting these frequent fliers to complete their roundtrips in one day, rather than assume the expenses of a hotel stay and meals while on the road. Also, it comes with the perk of not being able to entertain, which cuts travel expenses further. These jaunts tend to involve flights of no more than three hours, even though some people are going coast-to-coast and back without bothering to check in to a hotel.

For some, it isn’t just a case of budgetary discipline, though that factor will never disappear in a recessionary environment. Business travelers are also drawn to the notion of being able to get home at night. Even a late-night arrival means plopping your head on your own pillow and having breakfast with the family.

Of course, these one-day runs are grueling. Even for a two-hour flight, you have to get to the airport an hour early, and unless you live right next to the airport, you’re probably looking at another hour to get there. So, to catch a 6 AM flight, you’re leaving the house at 4 AM (with a wakeup of around 3:30 AM at best), and you’re not touching the ground at your destination until 8 AM … assuming there are no delays. Depending on traffic and distance, you get to the office at 9 AM and work the entire day. To catch a 7 PM flight, you leave the office at 5 PM to get there an hour early. After two hours in the air (again, assuming nothing goes wrong), you’ll probably get home by 10 PM. That’s an 18-hour day; it’s tough.While the actual cost savings is being questioned, in my experience, it’s substantial. In 2003 and 2004, I made frequent runs from Boston to New York. With the rate my company had with the Delta Shuttle, coming home at night was a no-brainer. On longer trips, the savings may not be as substantial — as you have a higher fare and likely a less expensive hotel than you’ll find in Manhattan — but you’re still looking at more than $200 a night, assuming a $150 room and meal expenses.

The cost savings, however, may come at the expense of your health. Some experts see this sort of aggressive travel as rough on your body … and I can tell you it’s a bit rough on the spirit, too. But, if you have enough time between one-day runs, it isn’t so bad at all.

And, don’t worry: even though you lose the hotel points, you’ll still pick up the miles.

A gloomy travel market for 2010 will follow an ugly 2009

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Everybody seems to want the travel market to recover next year, but it looks like more time will be spent in yards, instead. According to a new USA Today/Gallup poll, only 16 percent of us are going to hit the skies or crash in hotels more than we did in what will go down in history as a dismal 2009. Close to a third said they are going to spend less time in guestrooms and cramped plane seats. The main reason, of course, continues to be the state of the economy.

Slow improvements to the economy, according to some industry analysts, should push demand for tickets and hotel rooms higher – not to mention services related to the convention and meetings business. But, the baseline is set pretty low, with 2009 having been so weak. American Express, the largest travel agency in the world, doesn’t see a recovery coming anytime soon.

The bar has been reset, and it’s low. It will stay low for a while.

The big beast to be tamed in the travel market, doubtless, is business travel. Until the corporations start to send people on the road more liberally, the airlines, hotels and other businesses involved in travel will continue to feel the squeeze.

What’s going to happen by sector? See below.

Airlines: Industry analysts see hints that the market is turning, with demand for seats up year-over-year (by month) since May. United Airlines sees “a very encouraging trend line,” and US Airways notes a steady improvement. But, the latter continues that a decline of 30 percent to 35 percent in corporate spending has been a drag, and November was the first month in which it was up year-over-year. And, November 2008 wasn’t a tough month to beat.

Analysts believe that “even a modest rise in the USA’s gross domestic product,” says USA Today, will kick the airlines back into profitability. Gary Kelly, CEO of Southwest, isn’t that optimistic, telling the newspaper, “Business travel still lags, and I don’t know that I’m comfortable in reporting that we’ve seen any improvement in that market.” He doesn’t expect business travel to bounce back next year.

Hotels: What can I say that Melanie Nayer hasn’t? Not much, really. The past year has been miserable, with PricewaterhouseCoopers reporting occupancy plunging to 55.2 percent this year, from a 2006 peak of 63.3 percent. Next year, it’s expected to tick up only to 55.8 percent.

Room rates fell precipitously in 2009 relative to 2008, causing an average decline of 16.4 percent in the industry’s average revenue per available room-night. PwC expects 2010 to be worse than 2009, conflicting with the Business Travel Monitor report from American Express. But, there’s room for both views. Leisure travelers will have to spend a bit more, but hotels in business-heavy markets will still win some favorable pricing.

Conventions: Look for a slight increase next year – again, relative to a brutal 2009. For the good news about the conventions, you’ll have to wait until 2011 and 2012, says Roger Dow, president of the U.S. Travel Association. Through the end of 2010, approximately 40 percent of corporate and association meeting planners, reports USA Today, are likely to postpone or sink off-site meetings for the next year.