SkyMall Monday: Fernando the Chihuahua

I’ll always remember where I was when I heard the news. I think we all will. I was in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. There was a “Breaking News Alert” on CNN. I looked up from my giant magnifier and realized that the world would never be the same. In that moment, I knew how my parents must have felt when President Kennedy was killed. My heart sank. I struggled to swallow. My eyes welled up as I attempted to stifle the tears. Gidget, the former Taco Bell chihuahua, was dead. I’ve never been a fan of Taco Bell. In fact, I can count on one hand the amount of times that I have made “a run for the border.” Oddly, though, I need several more hands to count the number of apocalyptic bowel movements caused by those visits. But Gidget was a cultural icon. Lost in the news of the deaths of Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Billy Mays, Gidget’s passing last week got me thinking: Can SkyMall help me mourn? Our favorite catalog has been there for us when we didn’t even know we had a problem. But could it help me get through the Five Stages of Grief? It only took me a few moments to realize that SkyMall could comfort me in ways that no human could. Because SkyMall sells Fernando the Chihuahua.

Let’s look at each stage of grief and how a 9.5″ tall chihuahua statue helped me smile again:
Denial: I spent my first day with Fernando watching the original commercial in a loop while stroking his back and saying, “I’m so proud of you, Gidget. So, so proud.”

Anger:
Day two with Fernando was fraught with a great deal of yelling. I blamed Fernando for Gidget’s death and repeatedly told him that his hat made him look like a whore.

Bargaining: “God, if you bring Gidget back and turn Fernando into a real dog, I promise to let them hump whenever they want. Yes, even at the breakfast table.”

Depression: I didn’t leave the house for days. And no matter how much peanut butter I slathered on myself, Fernando just sat there and did nothing.

Acceptance: Eventually, I came to terms with Gidget’s death. And I apologized to Fernando for that comment about his hat. I realized that it doesn’t make him look like a whore. It makes him look like an over-referenced Mexican stereotype. Just like Gidget.

Perhaps there is no more fitting tribute to Gidget’s influence than the official product description for Fernando:

Hollywood’s new “top dog” will be a hit at your house too when you welcome this life-size, quality designer resin pooch with his black buton nose and warm brown eyes.

Hollywood’s top dog. Take that, Lassie and Rin Tin Tin. Suck it, Benji. ¡Viva Gidget! ¡Viva Fernando! ¡Viva SkyMall!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts
HERE.

Photo of the Day (6-10-09)

This shot, “Down by the Riverside” by AlphaTangoBravo/ Adam Baker is filled with mini stories in Toulouse, France. The dog is looking to horizons elsewhere, perhaps? Is the girl in the foreground thinking that her book is a pleasurable companion, or does she notice that others are in pairs and want someone to share the pleasure of the day with her?

What mini stories have you captured with your lens? Send them our way at Gadling’s Flickr Photo Pool. It might be chosen as a Photo of the Day.

SkyMall Monday: Let’s Talk Apparel

As the writer of SkyMall Monday, I consider myself a public servant. If I can improve just one person’s life with every post, I consider myself successful. Today, though, I’m aiming higher. I want to make the whole world a better place by making us all better looking. This week, SkyMall Monday takes a very special look at the apparel selections available in our favorite catalog.

Sock Monkey Hat and Mittens – For when you want to tell the whole world that you’ve accepted that you will die alone surrounded by empty Ben & Jerry’s containers but you’re allergic to cats.

Pluto Was a PlanetDo you like astronomy jokes that haven’t been topical in almost three years? Then you should totally wear this to your online chat party.
Vegasize Shirt – For that very special douchebag in your life.

What Part of Y’All Shirts – What part of y’all don’t I understand? Just the part that comes before the apostrophe. And the stuff after the apostrophe. And the apostrophe. But I do understand that you’re a yokel with $17.95 less in your wallet. And by wallet, I mean the floor of your pickup truck.

American Heritage Hoodie – Have you ever wanted to wear the clothing equivalent of a Toby Keith song? Do you see the American flag and think, “Wow, that sure would make me less pear shaped?” Do you wish that a bald eagle and George W. Bush would have sex on your face? Then just get this and be done with it.

Careful Novel Shirts – Look, if you can string together even three coherent sentences, I won’t even need you to write a whole novel. I’ll gladly take my place in your cocktail napkin doodle and be damn proud of it.

Abbott & Costello Apparel – Do you like vaudeville jokes that haven’t been topical in almost 70 years? Then you should totally wear this to your volunteer job calling bingo balls at the retirement home.

Fish Whisperer Shirt – So you’re the fish whisperer, eh? You ain’t got nothing on me, homeboy.

Dog/Cat Likes Me Best Shirts – The cat likes you best? Who were the other candidates? Your unicorn figurines? Your needlepoint pillow collection? Your real doll with three working orifices? Because I find that hard to believe.

There you have it. Just imagine how smashing you’re going to look at your next cocktail party, book club meeting or plush toy tea party. No need to thank me. The looks on your friends’ and coworkers’ faces is all the thanks I need. But if you really do want to thank me, I would love to wear this to my pottery class.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Flying pets: Getting them safely from point A to point B

My pug Iris (pictured here inside her airline travel bag) is what I believe to be one of the most well-traveled pugs in the universe. She is just seven years old and has been on at least twenty flights with me — most of them from one coast to the other.

A friend once asked me how much it costs to have a pet fly with you (or under you) on the plane and when I informed her that it cost at least $50 a “leg,” she actually thought I meant it cost $200 because my dog has four legs and asked me if I considered cutting off a leg or two to make her flight cheaper.

Nowadays, it can cost upwards of $300 for a pet to fly with you on the plane. It’s a sad state of affairs for airlines these days, and flying pets are the first to pay the price.Cassandra, a Gadling reader, inquired this week about how safe it is to fly your pet: “With all the news the media reports about animals deaths from flying because of heat/cold. Where exactly are they stored and is the pilot informed they are flying animals? And why can’t the airline industries build a section on the plane in the back near the bathroom for them rather than put them below? You’d think animals would feel more secure being near their owners rather than the loud noises of the belly.”

I have heard countless stories about pets dying of hypothermia or overheating on planes, or nightmarish tales of lost or stolen pets on planes, so there are, unfortunately, plenty of reasons to be worried about the safety of your pet in transit. Kent Wien, Gadling’s pilot and plane expert, wants you all to be assured that the conditions of the cargo area on planes are altered to accommodate for pets: “On the 767, the temperature in our ‘bulk cargo compartment’ is 65 degrees if we know there are animals below — 45 degrees if we don’t have animals. Most other Boeings are warm enough to support small chicks (birds) so I imagine they’re in the 55 to 65 degree range, but I haven’t seen the actual numbers on that.”

As for the location of the cargo and reason why pets are not allowed in the back of the plane near the bathroom, I imagine it has a lot to do with people having allergies to pet dander. Clearly, some pets do not like the small, dark, and cold confines of the plane’s cargo area (yes, it is the plane’s loud belly), but it is a highly controlled area of the plane.

It is also worth noting that, while some airlines allow small pets (they must be able to fit in a carrier under the seat in front of you and weigh roughly under 30 pounds) on the plane, other airlines restrict even small pets to the cargo area. You should always check with your particular airline to know whether to bring the carry-on pet bag or the airline-approved cargo kennel with you.

In addition, if you carry your pet onto the plane and squeeze the carrier under the seat in front of you, it’s always a good idea to reserve a middle seat rather than one by the window or aisle. The middle seat has more room for the bag, and therefore more room for your pet. Federal regulations require that your pet remain inside its carrier for the entire flight. Sorry, you can’t hide it under your blanket (although I’ve tried to do this both successfully and unsuccessfully before).

If you have a layover, it would be wise to take your dog out for a potty break. You will have to exit and re-enter through the TSA and security, but your pup will be forever grateful. Nearly every airport has a little plot of green somewhere near the baggage claim outside to let your dog do its business and stretch its legs.

Although I suffer from snub-nosed pet owner flying anxiety, I have yet to have a really sour experience flying with my beloved Iris. I have yet to have the fear of flying prevent Iris and I from getting where we need to go. If you are in doubt, though, there’s always road tripping it, like she and I did from Florida to California this past January!

Runaway dog runs away on airport runway

I’ve had flights delayed by weather. I’ve had flights delayed by mechanical issues. I’ve had flights delayed because the hitch connecting the tow vehicle to my plane snapped! But I’ve never had a flight delayed because a runaway dog was loose on the tarmac. Well, that’s exactly what happened at Boston’s Logan Airport this past weekend.

It seems that Choochy the poodle (like Joe the Plumber but less political and more interested in smelling other dogs’ behinds) escaped from her kennel and remained rogue on the runways, taxiways and other nooks and crannies of Logan for 17 hours. Various flights were delayed while police, firefighters and airport personnel tried to corral Choochy.

Thankfully, the story has a happy ending. Choochy was lured to safety with food, treated for only minor injuries and returned to her family. And for the passengers on those delayed flights? Well, a half-hour delay is practically on-time these days. And for me? Well, I got to use that crazy photo of a poodle that I found. So, thanks, Choochy. Feel free to escape again soon.