Five ways to get the person in the seat next to you to stop talking

Some people don’t mind a little chat on the airplane, but what do you do when you’re sitting next to the world’s most effusive babbler and all you want is to read, work, sleep or jump out the window?

It’s not your responsibility to act as your seatmate’s captive audience, but ignoring people is mean and feels awful. Here are five ways to delicately end the conversation.

1. The Book Heisman. Rather than the traditional “stop talking hand,” get your book between you and the talker. This works especially well when you have the window seat; pretend to lean against the airplane wall. Magazines can be even more effective, as they are larger. Once they notice the book is open, and between you, they should get the hint. If not, say “Sorry, I really have to finish this.” Let them figure out why you need to read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies on their own.

2. Offer them an activity.
No, don’t give them a book or puzzle; they’ll ask you for help and talk to you about it the whole time. Just remind them of what they (hopefully) brought. Say: “What did you bring to read? Oh, I haven’t read that book, can I see it?” This gets their book (or laptop, or whatever they have) out of their bag and into their lap. Digging out their own entertainment may have been what they were trying to procrastinate by talking.3. Headphones. The only problem with this is that they’ll know there’s nothing to listen to during takeoff (because that’s before plane music starts and you’re not allowed to use your iPod) or landing. If you can stand it, let them talk through the first few minutes of your flight, then pop the earbuds into your ears and close your eyes or get to work as soon as you can. The trick? You don’t have to actually listen to anything at all. If they ask you anything, make sure they ask at least twice and pretend you didn’t hear them over the music. If they still don’t get the hint, add #1, The Book Heisman.3. Get excited about your activity. Even if it’s feigned,

4. Get excited about your activity. Even if it’s feigned, tell the person you are so excited to read your book, or dive into work, or nap. This works best right after they’ve told you something that you didn’t know (no matter how mundane). “Huh. I didn’t know that. Thanks. [yawn] Anyway, I’m really looking forward to this nap. Have a good flight.” If they interrupt whatever you’re doing, give them the puppy eyes so they remember they’re disturbing you.

5. Honesty. Is it always the best policy? Maybe not always, as this one might make the person feel bad. Still, if you’re tried 1-4 to no avail, the person probably needs someone to level with them about airplane talking: not everyone is into it. You’ll be doing someone on a future flight a favor. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t like to talk on the airplane. This is one of the only times I get to be quiet” works well. If that doesn’t work, or you have to repeat it more than once, you are totally within your rights to just ignore the person. You tried to be nice.

More ideas? Share them below.

Cockpit Chronicles: Come along and enjoy the view

“Descend to 1-3-0.”

“Descend to 1-2-0.”

I found myself listening to London Control while admiring one of the all-time greatest views I’ve ever seen.

“Slow to 220 knots. Fly heading 1-7-0.”

As we banked to the right, I looked over my right shoulder at the London eye, a blue ferris wheel that stands out among the amber lights struggling for relevance against the sunrise.

No one should be up this early. Most of London is still asleep, and even if they were awake, they wouldn’t be seeing the view we were witnessing. The lights of the city, the bridges crossing the Thames river and the sunrise that blankets the buildings with more light after every turn of our holding pattern makes me pause for a moment to realize just why this job is the most visually rewarding of any occupation.

As we turned to the right one more time, I began to ponder whether an astronaut would actually prefer the variety of these spectacular sights that a mere ‘low-level’ pilot can see.

A 777 ahead of us was still dark enough to cover the city lights. Even Mike, the captain with close to 40 years in the air, was taken by the scene. “That’s just incredible” he said as the airliner banked to the right and peeled away from us a thousand feet below.

I had to resist the temptation to pull out my camera. I had taken some photos earlier, at 12,000 feet, above the 10,000 foot floor where we can’t allow a camera to distract us during the more critical ‘sterile period’ of our arrival into Heathrow.

So often I wish I could save the five most interesting things my eye sees on a flight. I have to try to capture whatever I can and post them here or on Flickr.

It was a couple of well timed views like this that inspired me to post a picture from every flight with a small caption on a blog years ago. Then I’d write more. And then more. Finally leading to the Cockpit Chronicles.

It’d be so much easier if I could just bring you along in the cockpit jumpseat.

That morning I filmed a few clips while above 10,000 feet that are almost like being there. Here’s what spinning around Guildford, England looked like.

Coming home from London, three and a half hours into the flight, we came upon a view I hadn’t seen yet in the eight years I’ve been flying across the Atlantic.

Our route of flight was far more northerly–nearly 200 miles north of any track I’d been on, in fact. We would be crossing directly over the southern tip of Greenland. This time I’d be ready. Should the clouds allow, I was sure to get some pictures or a video clip of the landscape below. In the past, I’ve seen Greenland from 59 and 60 degrees north latitude, which put the ice covered island just off in the distance. Unfortunately, clouds usually cover most of the island.

This time we were at 62 degrees north, passing over jagged mountain tops that weren’t obscured by clouds, but surrounded by silky glaciers that resembled low level cirrus clouds. In fact, it was hard to tell if the snow below was actually cloud cover.

The captain made a PA and I called back to our flight attendants. They needed to see this. A view of Greenland they’d likely never forget.

Of course, you’re welcome to take a look as well:

A piloting career may not be what it used to be. Speeds have changed. The technology has changed. Security procedures and threats have changed. But one thing that has always remained remarkable in this job, even in my grandpa’s era, has been the view.

Those lower altitudes may be filled with more detail, but the higher flight levels can give a wonderful sense of perspective. And sometimes a little perspective is just what we need. I certainly got my fill on this trip.

Cockpit Chronicles takes you along on some of Kent’s trips as an international co-pilot on the Boeing 757 and 767 based in Boston. Follow him on Twitter @veryjr

Plan your airport layover with T+L’s Airport Navigator

I hate airports. I hate sitting around and waiting, and I hate being unable to escape the thought that soon my plane will be the one zooming down the runway and lifting off into the sky. So rather than arrive early to the airport and allow myself time to get anxious about flying, I prefer to arrive at the last possible second, so that as I run through security and down the terminal, I don’t have time to think about my fears.

Unfortunately, sometimes I have an unavoidable mid-length layover at an airport – one that’s too short for me to go out and explore the city and too long for me to just sit at the gate and wait for my next flight. At those times, I need to find something to do to keep my mind occupied. Often, this means that I end up wandering the unfamiliar airport for about an hour in search of something good to eat, before giving up and buying the next thing I see – usually an uninspired sandwich or a bag of chips.

Next time, I’ll check Travel and Leisure’s Airport Navigator for tips on my airport before I go. For each of 20 airports, T+L has put together a list of places to eat and drink, shop, things to see and do, and places to relax. They’ve covered several major hubs in Europe – London, Madrid, Rome, Paris, and Amsterdam among them – plus major Asian airports like Hong Kong, Beijing and Tokyo. They’ll give you the scoop on Sydney, Cairo, Dubai, Johannesburg, Buenos Aires and Mexico City, along with info on Vancouver and Toronto in Canada, but coverage in the US is non-existent.

Along with listings of each airport attraction, the guide offers reviews, websites, hours and price ranges.

50% of air travelers will fly with the flu to avoid a fee

I’m a one of the those people who always seems to get sick after a long plane ride. A few days post-trip, I suddenly get a runny nose, sore throat and all the other telltale signs of a cold, most likely contracted from a sick passenger. Usually it’s minor, and I’m out of commission for only a few days.

I guess I’ve just been lucky that it hasn’t been the flu, because, according to a recent TripAdvisor survey, over 50% of travelers would choose flying with the flu over paying a fee to change their flight. As if we needed more reason to get a flu shot before we travel this season, now we know that someone with the flu may end up on our flight, just to avoid the fee.

Out of 2,327 people, 51% said they would fly while sick with the flu rather than pay the $150-$200 fee (plus any change in price) imposed by most airlines in order to change their flights to a later date. This is obviously, alarming news, but I can see why it is the case that people would rather cough up some germs on their fellow passengers than cough up the extra cash to change the tickets. Especially because costs for the new dates will often be higher, meaning you may end up paying more like $300-$400 per ticket for the change.

In the case of inescapable commitments, I can understand why someone would not change the ticket. But for a leisure trip, I would consider it. Of course, I don’t want to get others sick, but from a purely selfish standpoint, I don’t want to spend my time in the air shaking and shivering with the flu, or to spend my entire vacation laid up in bed. But then again…if I felt well enough to get on the plane despite having the flu, I would definitely do it rather than incur the extra charges and have to change all my travel plans.

On his blog, Christopher Elliot offers a solution – airlines need to lower or waive the change fees during flu season. We need to stop financially penalizing those who get sick and allow them to change their flights easily, or they will continue to fly and risk spreading the flu to other passengers.

Five ways to avoid a chatty passenger

You usually know within seconds whether the person next to you will leave you alone. The talkative types may wait until they have their bags stored, though some will start even before they’ve tossed their carry-ons into the overhead bins. From before the door shuts to well after touchdown, chatty passengers can consume your flight, making your books, magazines and iPods irrelevant.

Some people love this. Stick two talkers together, and they’ll reach baggage claim the best of friends. The unfortunate pairing of one of these passengers with the type that prefers to be left alone can make the flight a living hell for the latter, with severity linked to duration. If you like nothing more than to occupy yourself while flying, here are five steps you can take to be left in silence.

1. Keep your magazine in your pocket
A talker can strike while you’re fishing through your bag for reading material. Keep your magazine handy, and you narrow your neighbor’s window of opportunity. Roll it and put it in your back pocket, that way you can pull it out in fractions of a second. Open it while you’re sitting down to avoid making eye contact.

2. Act like a workaholic
Stare at your Blackberry and shake your head. Mutter to yourself about “that asshole, Steve.” When you have to turn off your electronic devices, pull out a notepad and start scribbling furiously. The passenger next to you may try to strike up a conversation, but you can reply, “Sorry, I have to deal with this.” Don’t give any details: they can only lead to more questions.

3. Look exhausted
Merely waiting to sleep isn’t enough. A chatty passenger will try to keep you awake. You have to look weary (the prospect of having to listen to this person should help this along) and in desperate need of some shut-eye. If you have to say something to the person, just mention that you didn’t get to sleep much last week … and that the coming week will be worse. Then, close your eyes and tilt your head. Don’t give in to any offers to converse.

4. Stick to short answers
Try to telegraph your lack of interest in talking through one-word answers and grunts. Usually, a single word in reply to an open-ended question drives the message home. After you answer each question, close your eyes and turn your head away, or lift your magazine or book higher. Make it clear through body language that you have no interest in continuing the discussion.

5. Be direct
If you’ve tried to be polite and sought to avoid conflict without the desired result, it’s time to get tough. If you don’t like to be rude, think of it this way – you tried, and your neighbor is the one acting inappropriately. Be firm: “I’m not interested in talking. I really need to [pick one: sleep, work, etc.].” Sometimes, the direct approach is the only one that will work.