SkyMall Monday: Jumpin Jammerz ACTUAL REVIEW

Last week, SkyMall Monday focused its keen eye on Jumpin Jammerz. As promised, this week we’re bringing you our actual hands-on review of the footed pajamas. We put Jumpin Jammerz through their paces to see if they deserve their place in the SkyMall catalog. Are they as fun as their marketing videos make them out to be? The short answer: No. Are they comfortable? Not unless you enjoy stewing in your own juices. Do they live up to their claim of being the “do anything, wear anywhere” footed pajamas? Why not just watch this video edition of SkyMall Monday to find out.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Jumpin Jammerz

With cold weather rapidly heading our way, it’s time to start thinking about our winter wardrobes again. Down jackets, knit caps and wool socks do the job when we’re outdoors. Sweaters keep us warm at the office (including the SkyMall Monday headquarters). However, when it comes time to sleep, we’re left to burrow into our blankets to stay warm. Why aren’t we wearing pajamas? As children, we wore pajamas to bed and it made sense. They were warm, comfortable and absorbed the various liquids that the human body leaks while at rest. Sadly, as adults, we typically eschew proper pajamas for old t-shirts, sweatpants or, for the whores, nudity [Author’s note: This is what we in the industry call “a joke.” I, too, sleep in the nude and am not a whore. A sense of humor goes a long way towards enjoying this column, folks]. That leads to cold nights and damp sheets. It seems to me that our departure from pajamas is some kind of evolutionary mistake. Our ancestors wore animal skins for warmth. They also had there own luxuriously thick body hair to retain heat. Now, we shave and wax off our hair and use our best animal skins for luxury car seats. Our priorities are all out of whack and we’re going to freeze to death in our sleep because of our vanity. I say it’s high time we returned to our pajama roots. Thankfully, SkyMall knows and understands our needs. That’s why they sell Jumpin Jammerz fleece footed pajamas for adults.Even people who do wear pajamas typically wear some plaid pants and, at best, a t-shirt. That leaves their feet grossly uncovered. What’s that you say? Socks keep your feet warm at night? First of all, people who sleep in socks are most likely serial killers or freaks. That’s a fact. Look it up. Second of all, socks can slide off at night, exposing your feet to winter chills that can become pneumonia and kill you. It happens. Look that up too. Footed pajamas keep your feet warm and keep your body heat circulating throughout your pajamas like a rotisserie oven.

Think that blankets can keep you warm at night? Believe that adults look ridiculous in footed pajamas? Well, you pay your heating bills while the rest of us read the product description:

Undeniably cute and yet boasts a playful pajama attitude that can suit everyone. The do anything, wear anywhere — Footed Pajamas.

While I know that you are undeniably cute (all of my readers are), I’ve always felt that you’ve lacked that playful pajama attitude required to earn that promotion/find a mate/survive a nuclear holocaust. Also, lest you think that Jumpin Jammerz fleece footed pajamas were solely for the home, rest assured that these can be worn “anywhere.” Finally, a pajama fit for the office, dinner party or funeral.

Rather than curl up and die with the rest of the freezing pajama-less masses, fleece up in some Jumpin Jammerz so that you can live to share the oral history of your people for generations to come.

And yes, I recall that I might have mocked Jumpin Jammerz in 2008’s SkyMall Monday Holiday Gift Guide. After writing this week’s SkyMall Monday, re-reading my gift guide review and remembering that even the CEO of SkyMall has purchased herself a pair, I felt as though I owed it to Mr. and Mrs. Jammerz to try out their product. So, next week’s SkyMall Monday will be an actual review of Jumpin Jammerz. Things are going to get sweaty.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Holiday Gift Ideas

Good tidings to you, my SkyMall Maniacs (congratulations, I’ve given you a nickname). We’re doing something a little different here at SkyMall Monday this week. With Hanukkah in full effect and Christmas mere days away, I’m going to do you a solid and give you some last minute gift ideas straight from the greatest catalog on Earth. Forget the hassles of the mall or the big box stores. Sit back, relax, and let SkyMall do all the work for you (with my help, of course).

iWear Vr920 (photo above) – Why just be a nerdy gamer when you could be a nerdy gamer playing in “virtual reality?” Just don your favorite blazer, log into World of Warcraft and have your friends call you “Geordi La Forge.”

Animated Hitch CrittersBecause you’re white trash and gosh darn proud of it.

Body Toning System We just don’t subject ourselves to “electro muscle stimulation” nearly enough. Besides, what does all the research supporting a lifestyle of healthy eating and exercise really mean anyways? Certainly standing around while electrocuting your abs is the real secret to getting that six pack.

Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap (photo at left) – Because the local shelter won’t let you adopt anymore of their precious real cats and the county is threatening to investigate that smell coming from your backyard.

DermasepticTis the season to manage those herpes outbreaks.

Forest FacesForest Faces are the “newest craze in outdoor decor.” Finally, the old craze in outdoor decor, “nature,” has been supplanted by a much more organic way to decorate trees: athletic decorations with stereotypically racist facial features.

Feline Drinking FountainThis water fountain keeps water moving, “encouraging proper hydration by attracting pets to drink more, thereby reducing the risk of urinary tract infection.” I never knew feline urinary tract infections were such a major concern. Can’t your cat just drink some cranberry juice and have a bad attitude for a few days?

Portable Video MagnifierSure, you’re well aware that magnifying glasses have existed for centuries. And yeah, you know that they’re cheap, lightweight and would really help your elderly grandmother read the newspaper, organize coupons and write checks. But you have money to burn and an intense desire to let grandma know that you did amount to something after all. So, drop $789 and get grandma the Portable Video Magnifier. That’ll show her who the real failure is.

Jumpin Jammerz (photo at left) – Are you in an asexual relationship with a partner who respects your complete lack of libido? Does he or she have the bowel control necessary to make it to the bathroom and then completely disrobe before doing the business? Would they love to wake up in a pool of their own sweat every morning? Then yes, you should totally get that person a pair of adult footed pajamas. Glad we had this talk.

Sound Activated ShirtI just spent 45 minutes trying to come up with a reason why you should buy this. That’s a new SkyMall Monday record.

Of course, if none of these amazing SkyMall gift ideas would appeal to your loved ones, you could always take a look at Gadling’s Holiday Gift Guide. There are tons of great ideas there.

Happy holidays from SkyMall Monday. Be sure to check back next week when we count down some of the best SkyMall Monday reviews from 2008!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.