SkyMall Monday: Ponchillo, the fleece poncho with a pillow

It hasn’t even been a month since I railed against the Nuddle Blanket and called for everyone to stop purchasing asinine blankets with sleeves. I thought for sure that common sense would spread across the land and that sanity would prevail. Alas, a new threat has presented itself and we must once again brace ourselves for an onslaught of perplexing infomercials. Despite our best efforts here at SkyMall Monday, I fear that SkyMall has again forsaken us by supporting a bizarre leisure garment that attempts to turn us into fleece-draped marsupials. It’s time once again take up our swords and defend our rational way of life. Let all who can hear my call join us as we seek to defeat this latest interloper…the Ponchillo, a fleece poncho with sleeves!

Ponchillo is a portmanteau combining poncho and pillow, although it more realistically sounds like the name of a large Central American rodent. According to the product’s official website, however, it is made in the USA. They insist that it differs from the Nuddle Blanket, Slanket, Snuggie, Forever Lazy and their ilk.

Is it really so different? Well, their commercial is pretty blunt about it. Take a look and then check out my detailed breakdown of the footage below.

0:01 – OK, the font and jingle have combined to make me feel like I’m about to watch a cartoon about Ponchillo, a Central American rodent who goes on adventures. I’m oddly excited.

0:02 – Three generations of one family have gathered to watch a movie. This is way weirder than any cartoon.

0:04 – The Ponchillo appears! I have a hard time believing that Mom kept it a secret during the 2-6 weeks that it takes for the Ponchillo to be delivered. Moms like to talk about everything they do. “I saved a dollar on those cookies that you like using a coupon in Parade. Also, I saw Barb at the market. She’s put on a lot of weight.”

0:08 – Mom seems to have attended a seminar on how to sell the Ponchillo that was held over three days at the local Radisson.

0:15 – Do we really need a remote control organizer inside our ponchos? Leave those semen and urine-covered on the table.

0:18 – Whoa, were those hard candies? Isn’t that grandma’s turf? It’s not a good idea to move in on another dealer’s corners.

0:21 – You know what else has a pillow, lady? That couch that you’re sitting on.

0:24 – “But it’s better than a blanket.” Oh snap! That’s a blatant shot across the bow of the blankets with sleeves machine. Ponchillo’s got some claws.

0:35 – Poor Grandma just doesn’t have the energy that she used to. And she’s having delusions about flying machines again.

0:40 – I remember my days as a teenaged boy, stealing clothes from my mother’s closet and singing Barbra Streisand songs.

0:43 – Do kids keep their video game controllers in their pockets until it’s their turn? They’ll never find Princess Zelda with that technique.

0:45 – More theft! At least it’s the daughter this time. Have you ever washed fleece? It shrinks several sizes. That Ponchillo would surely be a Ponchillito by now.

0:48 – Fleece dance party! “Sure, you girls just comfortably jump around in tank tops. I’m trying to lose a few pounds before prom so I’m going to sweat it off in the Ponchillo.” [faints]

0:55 – How bad a host are you if you force three teenaged girls to sleep on the floor and share one tiny blanket? I’ve attended better slumber parties in Pyongyang.

1:00 – Let me get this straight: You’re attending an outdoor sporting event at which everyone else is wearing coats and you’ve chosen to wear a t-shirt? There’s a girl in front of you wearing earmuffs, for Pete’s sake! Don’t complain about how cold the bleachers are when you have no one to blame but yourself.

1:04 – The Deluxe Ponchillo has a seat cushion? Don’t try to distract us from the fact that no one in their right mind would wear this thing outside of the house. Why do all of these companies show their products being used at sporting events? Snuggie and Forever Lazy, I’m looking at you.

1:10 – Another family movie night? Was the Lone Ranger not on the radio tonight?

1:12 – Mom had no idea that all four of you bought Ponchillos? This family has a problem with secrets (such as, what happened to Grandpa?).

1:14 – “Anybody want a pillow? “No!” “I didn’t think so.” [Forced laughter]

1:19 – I’m still recovering from that knee-slapper of a zinger.

1:22 – The family dog smothers himself with the discarded throw pillow to end his suffering.

Put on a sweater. Buy a decent blanket. Use the pillows that you already own. Wear a jacket to a sporting event (and pants, please). Just don’t wear blankets with sleeves.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Nuddle Blanket

We can tolerate a lot here at Skymall Monday. We have a soft spot for Wine Glass Holder Necklaces, adult bibs for sloppily eating in the car and, of course, the Edge Brownie Pan. Sometimes, though, products just rub us the wrong way. Sure, we can usually feign enjoyment for the sake of a joke, but not this week. Frankly, we’re at our wits’ end. Enough with novelty blankets already! The Snuggie stopped being funny years ago. The Slanket was equally terrible. Forever Lazy is an insult to the human race. Why are people so desperate for bizarre, unflattering, poorly named mutant blankets? This crap needs to stop right here, right now. No one should be wearing these things to a ball game (or anywhere outside of their homes, for that matter). No one should be wearing these things period. If you own one, throw it out. If you don’t, stop thinking about it. And if you’re looking at SkyMall, don’t even consider buying the Nuddle Blanket.The world needs another wearable blanket like David Hasselhoff needs more body hair. Do I care that the Nuddle Blanket has a special foot pocket for keeping your tootsies warm? No! Because we have socks for that. And slippers. And adjustable thermostats that can make our homes warmer. Feet don’t belong in pockets. They’re not hands!

Did you know that the Nuddle Blanket doesn’t have sleeves because sleeves would just get in your way? You know what else doesn’t have any annoying sleeves? A regular blanket! The Nuddle Blanket also has a pocket for keeping your remote control handy. You can’t just place your remote next to you on the couch. That’s would be ridiculous.

Don’t feel as angry about this as I do? Watch this sycophant drone on about the Nuddle Blanket like it just cured cancer:

The name tells it all? Really? Nuddle means to “walk quickly with the head bent forward.” That’s a thing? That requires a word? Oh, wait, apparently Nuddle is a combination of nap and cuddle. Well, now I’m nangry (nauseous and angry). I have never felt so enveloped in stupidity.

The product description isn’t doing it any favors either:

Cuddle up with the Nuddle Blanket. It has an exclusive foot pocket to keep your feet warm all year round.

Openings for your arms let you sip, read, write or text without bothersome sleeves getting in the way.

Perhaps the foot pocket is exclusive because everyone else realized that it’s a moronic idea. Also, sleeves are bothersome? Not when they’re on shirts. Sleeves are only in your way when they’re attached to blankets. And blanket with arm holes is just a torn blanket.

Enough with the novelty blankets. Sleeves, no sleeves, arm holes, pockets, whatever, we don’t care. Just stop. What happened to us? We use to build fires to keep warm. We were survivors. We were a proud people.

Say no to the Nuddle. Reject the Snuggie. Continue to be oblivious to the Slanket. Don’t be Forever Lazy. Resist the urge to be a fleece Spider-Man. Put on a pair of socks if your feet are so cold. But not those toe socks. Man, those things piss me off.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.