Barefoot Bandit has travel cred

Now that Colton Harris-Moore has been nabbed by the prim and humorless Bahamian police, it’s open season on psychologically dissecting the teen robber and analyzing his high-jinks artistry. Love him or hate him, hero or criminal, one thing is certain: this kid gets around. If “well-traveled”, “worldly” and “ingenious” are positive traits (oh, and they are), then Colton darling deserves a congratulatory pat on his orange-jumpsuit-covered back.

Let’s review, shall we? By the fresh age of 19, the Barefoot Bandit has:

  • Taught himself to fly with video games and stole at least five planes for private scenic flights across the country, including his final jump to the Bahamas.
  • Enjoys fast boats and has managed to steal several sleek and expensive craft for high-speed joy rides across the Pacific Northwest and Florida.
  • Traveled thousands of miles in three countries and at least six states by way of stolen cars and bikes.
  • Used computer fraud to purchase bear mace and night vision goggles, which is not only totally bad ass, but something that every American male wishes he had in his backpack.
  • Survived on uninhabited islets and in the woods at a time when the average American teenager can barely survive at school.
  • Checked himself into other peoples’ private vacation homes for relaxation, eating fine foods from their fridges and soaking in their unused jacuzzi tubs, revealing a penchant for spa living.
  • Crossed back and forth across international borders sans passport, which is also impressive.
  • Stole from Canadians, Americans, and Bahamaians, showing no favorites or displaying any discrimination.
  • Took pictures of himself with various digital cameras in wild places, mimicking millions of tourists who do the same.
  • Hates shoes and travels mostly barefoot, an unwitting observer of TSA security checkpoint regulations.

The list goes on and on but the point is clear: Young Colton loved his freedom and suffers from interminable wanderlust. The guy has broken some serious state and federal laws and caused around $1.5 million worth of damage but he hasn’t harmed any humans. So the kid is a complete punk? So are most of the Israeli backpackers you meet in Bolivia and the Eurotrash in Thailand. Maybe all that Colton needed was an all-expenses paid gap year in which he got to choose his own itinerary and fly his own planes.

Good luck Colton. Not sure about Wi-Fi reception in prison, but if you keep reading Gadling you’ll soon discover that your insatiable travel itch is fairly universal. We, too love to fly across borders and hike into remote places and soak in hot tubs with a view. There is a legal way to do all these things, but if our brand of travel ever did become illegal, then my guess is that we’d all choose to be outlaws, just like you.

(Photo: Colton Harris-Moore, self-portrait)

SkyMall Monday: Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa

One of the best aspects of travel is meeting new people. One of the best aspects of meeting knew people is putting your penis inside them. Yes, travel sex is one of the great pleasures of the road. But the art of seduction is not easily mastered and many people struggle with language barriers, culture clashes and hygiene differences. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that everyone could use a little help in the romance department. That’s why they’re always there with sultry apparel, sex toys and inflatables. If you’ve met someone while traveling, had a few drinks and need to seal the deal, you’re going to need to impress her in a way that no one else can. Simply being a visitor from another city, state or country is not enough. You’re not as mysterious and interesting as you think. Odds are you’re actually quite boring and filled with cliché anecdotes about full moon beach parties and frequent flier miles. That’s why you need the ultimate seduction tool. SkyMall Monday is very aroused excited about this week’s product. The next time you find yourself away from home and ready to get to home base, simply set up your Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa.Up until now, hot tubs have been inconveniently immobile. The static nature of these spas meant that you had to be suave enough to lure a woman to your home simply with your charm, wit and willingness to order her as many pomegranate mojito-tinis as possible before her homely gal pal dragged her away. That was expensive and dangerous (alcohol poisoning is no laughing matter unless it involves clowns). Now, you can simply set up your Spa-N-A-Box right there at the bar if need be. You’ll go from Spa-N-A-Box to Dick in a Box in no time.

Thinking that packing a spa will be expensive and burdensome? Don’t believe that you need a Jacuzzi to lure a young lady’s mouth towards your phallus? Virgins like you make me sad. Let’s check out the product description:

Buy Comfort Line Products’ Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa and you can enjoy having a totally portable spa that fits easily into those hard to get to locations – both indoors and out! Relax, now you can treat yourself to a soothing, hydro-therapeutic massage any time, anywhere…The barrier-free seating arrangement allows you freedom of movement.

It fits into hard to get locations…just like your penis! And that freedom of movement is going to come in handy when you also invite your new lady friend’s homely gal pal to join you for a soak. The more the merrier, right?

Don’t just take SkyMall’s word for it. For the first time ever, we’re also taking a look at the user reviews. Check out what this satisfied customer had to say:

We live in a trailer, we have a cement slab… set the hot tub up …. completly and totally amazing!!! Wonderful!!!! It feels bigger than it is. We are VERY happy!!!
Gender: Female
Age: 46-50

If that middle-aged lady is getting busy on a cement slab in a trailer park, imagine how easy it will be for you to get some action in a place where everyone has their teeth.

You can waste your time with conversation, personality and respect or you can cut to the chase and get wet. Choose the latter. Choose the Spa-N-A-Box Portable Spa. Choose chlorine.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Gading Movie Review: Hot Tub Time Machine

We don’t talk about movies much here at Gadling (though we make exceptions when it comes to OnDemand and George Clooney). Recently, however, we were captivated by the trailer for a travel film that left us ready to camp outside our local theater. When a travel film like this comes along, it’s hard for us not to sit up and take notice. And this past weekend, that movie finally hit theaters and demanded our attention. That movie? None other than Hot Tub Time Machine. “But it’s not a travel movie,” you say? Well, it’s called “time travel” not “time staying in one place.” Time travel is the ultimate trip. Rather than just looking at a map and selecting your next destination, you have the entirety of history (and, theoretically, the future) at your fingertips. So, with the excitement of time travel piquing our interest and 80s nostalgia luring us in, we caught a matinee (hey, movie tickets are expensive) of Hot Tub Time Machine over the weekend so that we could share our thoughts with you.

Is it worth your entertainment dollar? Does it capture the zeitgeist of travel? Did we laugh a lot? Keep reading to find out.The film stars 80s movie veteran John Cusack, The Daily Show alum and comedic spitfire Rob Corddry and The Office’s scene stealing Craig Robinson as three old friends who have drifted apart since their heyday in the decade of decadence. Joining them is young Clark Duke, who plays Cusack’s character’s nephew. After Corddry’s character ends up in the hospital, the friends reunite for a weekend bender in their formerly favorite (and now dilapidated) ski town. And, as you probably know by now from the trailer, they end up in a hot tub that is way more than just a seedy, bubbly cauldron of sin.

Where HTTM excels is in its commitment to simplicity. There’s no techno-jargon or flux capacitor. If you’re looking for explanations of the space-time continuum, you’ve purchased tickets to the wrong movie. The writers have basically decided that some movies take place in New York and others take place in the past. The 1980s serve as the location and getting there is less important than what happens there. And, as a comedy, this is a fantastic strategy. Rather than ask the audience to believe a sci-fi explanation of time travel, just get to the punchlines.

And there are plenty of punchlines. Without going over the top with nostalgic 80s references, the film captures the mood of the decade (and the campy comedies that it birthed) through great costumes, classic music and sly references (Karate Kid fans should pay attention throughout). The 80s jokes never have a chance to get old as the dialogue is just clever enough to keep you engaged in the characters. And with a classic (some might say clichéd) storyline centered around missed opportunities and friendships, the plot is an ode to many of the movies that made Cusack famous.

Sure, the film slows down a bit in the second act, but it wraps things up well before you have a chance to get bored. Despite it’s campy title, it’s actually a more subdued comedy than The Hangover. HTTM keeps things simple, starting with its title and continuing through its jokes. But simple isn’t bad. Simple is classic. Just like the 80s.

We’re giving Hot Tub Time Machine 4 chlorine tablets (out of 5). It’s a fantastic comedy and a genuine travel movie. Hot Tub Time Machine is rated R and currently playing in theaters nationwide.

Tie the knot or just recharge in the Riviera Maya

Surround yourself with an emerald-green jungle, and take a plunge in turquoise blue waters with a stay at the Valentin Imperial Maya Resort. This luxurious all-inclusive property is just the destination you’ll need when we reach the depths of winter and just need a break. Have kids? Line up a babysitter: this is an adults-only property, so you’ll be able to take a vacation from every aspect of real life imaginable, enveloped by the warmth and comfort of the Riviera Maya. Sun yourself on the Playa Del Secreto, and recharge your spirit.

The Valentin Imperial Maya Resort offers 540 suites in six categories, a 900-foot meandering swimming pool with three island pools across the property and a natural lagoon. There’s a main pool, as well, featuring two swim-up bars. Back in the rooms, you’ll find marble bathrooms with hydro-massage tubs, nightly turndown service and nine restaurants, featuring cuisine from Italy, France, Japan, Mexico and other cultures. But, if you really want style, arrange for a private dinner on the beach. Spa treatments are available on the property, along with couples rooms that feature a Jacuzzi and rain shower.

“By offering guests a high level of elegant and personalized service, Valentin Imperial Maya Resort is setting new standards of quality for all-inclusive resorts,” says Dirk Urban, General Manager Valentin Imperial Maya. “What sets Valentin apart from other hotel brands,” he continues, “is our attention to detail and the unique ability of our staff to make guests feel comfortable and taken care of, as if they were among family.”

If the Valentin puts you in the mood for a big move, there’s an official Roman Catholic chapel on the property, a great place to tie the not. Don’t worry, there are two dedicated wedding concierges who can help with planning the big day.

Mayan retro spa in Cancun

A great massage needs no embellishment. The simple act of kneading stress from your body is enough. Warm Jacuzzi waters afterward complete the experience, especially when washed down with crisp cucumber water. A twist that enhances the experience, though, can matter, as I learned at the JW Marriott’s spa in Cancun, Mexico.

The on-site spa infuses its treatments with Mayan ritual, adding a sense of purpose to what otherwise would be sheer decadence. The therapists add ancient prayers and local ingredients to facials, exfoliation and massages to bring a regional flavor to a luxurious commodity.

The spa itself occupies three floors. The first is open to all guests of the JW Marriott and adjacent CasaMagna. Visitors can swim in the indoor pool, soak in the coed Jacuzzi or hit the weights in the gym. The second floor – where you’ll find gender-specific relaxation rooms, saunas and hot tubs – requires an additional fee of approximately $15. Treatments are conducted on this floor and the third.

The differences between the first and second floors are not limited to the modest fee. As you walk the wide, slightly winding staircase, the softly burning candles and soothing aromas remind you that you’re entering a unique environment, a place where every care you have will evaporate thanks to the skilled hands of a focused masseuse.

Language will not be a barrier when you explain the pressure you’d like, as the team does speak English well. After that first conversation, of course, it doesn’t matter. Once you’re finished and have been presented with warmed slippers and cool water, conversation will be the last thing on your mind. Shuffle back to the relaxation room, and use the view of the indoor pool to see if you want to ease back into society with a stop down on the first floor before heading back to the world.

These are the brief moments, punctuating a hectic lifestyle, that remind you that … just sometimes … you come first.

View the latest deals at the Marriott CasaMagna here.