SkyMall Monday: Mombasa the Garden Giraffe vs. Boris the Bronotosaurus

by Mike Barish on
Here at SkyMall Monday, we love lawn ornaments. By now, you should know about our affinity for the Garden Yeti, his baking abilities and incredibly high threshold for pain. This week, however, we take a look at the two biggest beasts offered up in SkyMall. Rather than litter your lawn an army of tiny Garden Gnomes, it’s time that you allowed your yard to be dominated with a true giant. So, this week, it’s Mombasa the Garden Giraffe vs. Boris the Brontosaurus.

Let’s take a look at how these two fearsome competitors stack up.


In a close battle that I wish we could see actually play itself out in a suburban backyard, Boris the Brontosaurus edges out Mombasa the Garden Giraffe the win the title of Best Massive SkyMall Lawn Ornament. However, that’s just our scientific opinion. We want to know which garden monster you prefer.

Vote in our poll and share your thoughts in the comments below.

%Poll-64159%

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Garden Yeti ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

There are a few products that have become synonymous with the absurdity of the SkyMall catalog (not that I find any of it absurd – only naïve malcontents believe that). In that pantheon, you’ll find the SkyRest Travel Pillow, the Wine Glass Holder Necklace and the Garden Yeti, to name a few. Having reviewed the first two examples, I can say firsthand that these products deserve our respect and their inventors merit admiration. But, it always irked me that I had yet to review the Garden Yeti. As if it was a mythical figure, I had experienced Garden Yeti sightings when perusing the catalog, but never experienced seeing one in the wild (until, that is, one Slanket-fueled evening). Finally, however, I got my hands on a Garden Yeti of my own. I even shared the good news in a very special birth announcement and featured him in our SkyMall Monday review of the Sling Couture Arm Sling. Now, after having spent some time with the Garden Yeti, I’m prepared to deliver this official SkyMall Monday review. What’s it like introducing a Garden Yeti into your life? It’s way more fun than you might think.

%Gallery-90986%The Garden Yeti may be called a statue, but it’s more interactive than your run of the mill lawn ornament. While most Garden Yeti parents (you do not own a Garden Yeti – you raise it) simply leave their Garden Yeti in the, well, um, garden, that is not the proper way to care for these creatures. You see, the Garden Yeti sold in the SkyMall catalog is not, in fact, a miniature Garden Yeti. No, my friends, this two-and-a-half-feet tall gentle beast is actually an infant Garden Yeti. Having spent time with this missing link, I would venture to guess that he is no more than three-years-old.

Once I discovered that the Garden Yeti was just a child, I quickly learned how to connect with him. Now, we watch Yo Gabba Gabba!, eat lots of hot dogs and enjoy trips to the park. And, it was at the park that I was able to truly experience Garden Yeti parenthood it all its righteous splendor.

My Garden Yeti, Calvin, simply adores the park. He sits on the big boy swing and holds on tightly while I push him. “Higher, higher,” he yells. Well, that’s according to the young girl who watched us playing on the swings. Her friend insisted that wooden Garden Yetis can’t talk and that the first girl was simply “making that up.” It’s sad when you meet a three-year-old who’s dead inside. She made Calvin cry.

Garden Yetis love slides (exclusive Gadling fact). They also enjoy the fireman’s pole (though Calvin likes when I hold him so that he doesn’t fall). On the playground, Garden Yetis let loose, build self-confidence and make new friends.

Young Garden Yetis never get bored of playing catch. They almost always catch the ball perfectly in stride. They keep their eyes on the ball and never drop a pass. While my Garden Yeti is nearly 20 years away from pursuing a career in the NFL, I have already retained a team of attorneys to look into the league’s collective bargaining agreement to ensure that Garden Yetis are eligible to be drafted. While Garden Yetis are known for their big feet, it’s their soft hands that make them truly extraordinary.

Garden Yetis are also great with dogs. As the missing link, Garden Yetis are attuned to the feelings of both humans and animals. Calvin gets along swimmingly with my dog, Heath. They enjoy long walks together. And, as Calvin gets more mature, he has even begun to walk Heath on his own. Indeed, Garden Yetis are perfect additions to any family.

So, does the Garden Yeti deserve its place SkyMall lore? Without a doubt, yes. Garden Yetis make houses homes. They make families complete. And they make trips to the park the best memories of your life. Please, find it in your heart to adopt a garden Yeti. Twelve pounds of love are only a few clicks away.

Photos by Jordana Lapidus.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Wild Lawn Ornaments

by Mike Barish on

I keep myself safely secluded in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. It’s built inside a mountain, under several hundred feet of granite, in a secure and secret location. This protects me from the fearsome animals that I now assume rule the Earth. While I fear all wildlife and assume that they are out to get me (and/or my Lucky Charms), I do enjoy their decorative properties. But how can I take advantage of the aesthetic qualities of our furry, feathered and scaled friends without being bitten, constricted or dry humped? Taxidermy is expensive and requires first killing animals before they have a chance to kill me. That seems not only difficult but likely to involve unseemly people who peddle in taxidermy and will most certainly make me uncomfortable. That leaves only one viable option for harnessing the majestic beauty of creatures both real, imagined and extinct: lawn ornaments. Lawn ornaments tell everyone in your neighborhood that you’re classy and bored. But where can I satiate my appetite for animal lawn ornaments? Who would have such a buffet of faux-fauna? Who could possibly…oh, come on, you know the answer to these questions. It’s SkyMall’s time to shine! Leave your tranquilizer darts and nets at home. You won’t need them on this safari. Simply pack your imagination and obliviousness to your tacky sense of style. We’re hunting wild lawn ornaments.SkyMall product descriptions in italics followed by my thoughts on these fine works of “art.”

T-Rex Dinosaur Sculpture – Visitors will admire your creative garden style as T-Rex makes a Mesozoic statement! And you won’t understand their Cenozoic response. Nerd joke. Look it up.

Brown Bear Garden Sculpture – Our realistically sculpted, 3-1/2-foot-long mischievous Brown Bear is sculpted 360 degrees to be admired from all sides while lumbering through your garden. I like to admire bears from the backside. Yep, I like bear back.

Raccoon Garden Sculpture – They can be a nuisance–but posed in this adorable pile-up of three, raccoons can also be among Mother Nature’s most endearing creatures. Who doesn’t want to cuddle with some raccoons. Why not create a realistic scene and scatter some garbage around them. And get a dozen or so shots in your stomach for the pretend rabies. Adorable!

Garden Deer Sculpture – “The privilege of a visit from a majestic six-point buck isn’t confined to the tradition of grand European landscapes! The quintessential garden piece, our amazingly accurate investment in garden art stands four-feet-long and over a yard tall, complete with an enviable rack of antlers. A visit from a buck is a privilege not a right. You have to earn it by covering yourself in fake deer urine and sitting in a tree all day. Also, there is no lawn ornament more quintessential than a giant deer. And if you envy antlers, you can always get some of your own. But if you envy antlers, well, you have issues, man. Serious, serious issues.

The Regal Peacock – Almost a full yard of metallic gold and iridescent blue plumage shines in an expansive panorama in this classic English garden piece. Our artisans have hand-painted each feather of this highly textural work in the peacock’s royal palette. I have no joke here. Just high praise for the lofty prose used by one bold and highfalutin SkyMall employee. No plumage is as alluring as his wordsmithing.

Dragon of Falkenburg Castle – Your neighbors will steer clear when they see this intricately sculpted, more than two-foot-long dragon stretched out in your flower bed. This lifelike sculpture is complete with scales, wings and a treacherous tail. Yeah, blame the dragon for keeping your neighbors away. That’s the ticket. Also, who knows what a lifelike dragon would look like? Who here has seen a dragon? Quick show of hands. Anyone? In the back there? No? OK, moving on.

Musical Raccoon Maestro – Greet passing garden visitors with a rousing performance of Mendelssohn’s “Spring Song,” and you’ll get a standing ovation every time. This cute conductor is wearing an appropriately formal black-tie-and-tails outfit and has a motion-activated sound chip for surprising and delighting his audiences. I’d prefer a casually dressed squirrel that plays Matthew Wilder’s “Break My Stride.”

See, you don’t need to venture to the wilds of Africa or Wal-Mart to have animal encounters. You can assemble your own menagerie that will show your neighbors that you are fashionable, sophisticated and not at all lonely. Be it raccoons, a deer or an extinct predator, you will be the undisputed beastmaster of your trailer park.

As for me, I’ll stay in my bunker. My mountain fortress has no lawn to ruin with ornaments.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.