Summer is here, and we’re looking to get out of the SkyMall Monday headquarters to enjoy some sun, sand and surf. But, well, as I’ve discussed in this space before, I’m not exactly winning a hot body contest anytime soon. Thankfully, our favorite catalog knows that we’re not all going to be beauty queens. That’s why SkyMall helps us hide our flaws and trick others into thinking that we’re the bees knees! This week, we look at not one, not two, but five products that are so perfect, they’ll make all of us look and feel perfect, too! So, keep ordering those supersized English Breakfasts and refrain from exercising. Exercise is for suckers. Let the healing powers of SkyMall wash over you and turn you into the person you were always meant to be. I mean, it beats jogging, right?
ShapeUp Body Slimmer (pictured at above) – Ladies, guys want nothing more than to buy you drinks, get you home and then see you spill out of a human sausage casing. I mean, what’s sexier than 200 pounds of woman in a 150-pound bag?
Instant Face Lift Kit – From the product description: “Special tapes adhere unnoticeably with concealed, fully adjustable elastic bands, lifting sagging skin from face, eye area, neck and jaw line.” And you thought putting taping on your face was only good for laughs.
Body Figure Enhancing Pads (photo at right) – Remember how the ShapeUp Body Slimmer was going to hide all those curves? Well, forget that and add some curves instead. Again, guys love getting you naked and seeing a silicone chicken cutlet clinging to your behind like Garfield on a car window. From the product description: “They stay put even when dancing or exercising.” Who doesn’t want a fake butt stuck to their real butt while they’re putting in an hour on the elliptical machine?
Lip Enhancement Kit – From the product description: “Most beauty experts agree that plump lips are the most important feature for a young and attractive look.” Yep, forget a youthful personality, healthy skin or the absence of a horn. Nothing shaves years off of your appearance like overinflated lips that resemble a couple of Vienna sausages.
Guide to Healthy Aging (photo at right) – I don’t profess to understand what this product is, what services it provides or why it costs $3,495.00. But good lord, look at the picture that accompanies it!
See, it’s so easy to look good, lie to the general public and mask all of your flaws, whether they are real or just perceived that way by the media and the “cool girls” that mocked you in high school. So, tuck away your problem areas, tape up your face, slap on a fake buttock and puff up those lips. Then get outside, get drunk and surprise a lucky guy with all your enhancements. After all, it’s summer. Live it up!
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.