SkyMall Monday: Cat Toilet Training System

by Mike Barish on

For some reason, despite the fact that I don’t like cats, feline products get a lot of attention from SkyMall Monday. We’ve featured a litter box and a talking food bowl. But this week, we’re tackling a problem that has long flummoxed cat owners. You see, cats already act like they own their homes. They’re aloof, ambivalent and seem to genuinely enjoy watching humans scoop up their feces. It’s that last issue that sticks out the most. How can they truly be the heads of their households when they can’t even clean up after themselves? In order for cats to completely evolve into our furry overlords, they’ll need to stop pooping in litter boxes and start using toilets. While it may seem terrifying strange for cats to use toilets, it’s the logical progression towards them dominating and overthrowing their owners. However, cats can’t teach themselves to use the facilities. They’ll need their current “masters’ to assist them. And knowing how insane cat owners really are, I’m certain that they will have no problem being party to their own eventual enslavement. And that’s why they will all be thrilled to discover that SkyMall is ready to help them take the first step towards building making their cats independent. Because SkyMall now offers the Cat Toilet Training System.Cats may lack opposable thumbs and the ability to wipe their own butts, but they have the desire to humiliate their owners and an affinity for licking themselves. And that’s why they’ll take to toilet training like a squirrel takes to underpants. Sure, they’ll need you to open the bathroom door. And to flush the toilet. And to update the issues of Cat Fancy that you keep in the bathroom. But it will all be worth it when you’re twenty minutes late for work because your cat has explosive diarrhea and you couldn’t get into the bathroom to take a shower.

Think that toilets are only for people and thirsty dogs? I bet you don’t even believe that monkeys should be on ice skates. Well, the animal experts over at SkyMall beg to differ.

The best way to deal with the unpleasant task of cleaning out the litter box is to do away with it for good. With the Litter Kwitter 3-Step Cat Toilet Training System, you can teach your cat to use any human toilet in eight weeks or less. The age or weight of your cat doesn’t matter and it works in multiple cat households too.

I suppose that toilet training your cat is a better solution to the litter box issue than hot gluing its anus shut. Though I do fear that young, tiny kittens will fall into the toilet where they will fall prey to abandoned alligators that live in the sewers.

So, in eight weeks, you can finally make yourself completely subservient to your cat. Once he can use the toilet, there will be no stopping him from finding a job of his own, supporting himself and kicking you out of the house. And while being homeless may be tough, at least then you can start pooping wherever you want. Surely some cat will come along and scoop it up.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Hidden Litter Box

by Mike Barish on

It’s confession time: I hate cats. Well, hate is a strong word. I just don’t understand cats. They seem completely ambivalent about my presence, selfish and they pee indoors. Dogs go outside like civilized animals. Cats defecate indoors in a box. That’s simply not natural. I can’t have the SkyMall Monday headquarters smelling like feline pee and poop. But, I understand that some people are lonely, have given up on the prospect of human relationships and have acquired any number of cats to keep them company on Saturday nights during Real Housewives of Atlanta marathons. And those people may want to hide the shame of having become someone who wears sweatpants in public, buys ice cream in bulk and gives her cats names like Sir Francis Snugglesworth and Purrack Obama.* Those people need to gussy up their homes and try to hide the fact that the inmates cats have taken over the asylum. And to those people, SkyMall says, “Yes we can…hide your cat poop.” This week, we take a closer look at the Hidden Litter Box.

For years, people have hidden their cats’ litter boxes in the bathroom, the kitchen or a spare bedroom. They’d provide their cats with privacy and keep the smell and the fecal matter in lesser-trafficked areas of their homes. And while these solutions may have kept the litter boxes out of sight, they lacked two things: the art of deception and a fake plant.

What fun is hiding your cat’s little box if you’re not doing it like some kind of super spy? The Hidden Litter Box is like James Bond’s litter box. In fact, I bet 007 has one for Octopussycat. And what home isn’t made less depressing by a fake plant that smells oddly like cat pee?

Think I’m meowing up the wrong tree? Well, take a gander at the product description:

With its Tuscany handfinish, our new litter box looks like a real clay pot, complete with an attractive, artificial decorator plant. Simply turn the entrance to the wall and no one will know (if your cat doesn’t tell)!

See, it even works with loose-lipped talking cats! Beat that with your “I keep my cat’s little box in the laundry room.”

So, tell Meowington von Catburt IV to keep his mouth shut and start peeing in the flower pot and then get back to eating Swiss Miss packets with a spoon, because the Hidden Flower pot is your new only friend.

* If your cat’s name is actually Purrack Obama, I’ll admit that you’re kind of awesome.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.