Growing older means adjusting to change. Change in your interests, change in your appearance and change in your ability to digest dairy without eye-burning flatulence. While people may enjoy the first and torture their spouses with the third, it’s the second that causes people much consternation. People try to hide the affects of aging using everything from creams to salves to balms to ointments to lotions. But what everyone forgets is that only one thing can truly help you turn back the clock. No, I’m not talking about eating babies to absorb their youthful souls. That only helps with spider veins. In order to make your face look like it did when you were a teenager (minus the embarrassing acne and nose that was too big for your head), you need to turn to SkyMall. This week, SkyMall Monday is here to give us all that youthful appearance that we all long to recapture. Forget about all of those placenta treatments and bird poop facials. It’s time that you restored your face to its former glory by shoving it into the Face Trainer.FaceTrainer is made by the good people at no!no! Why would you name your company no!no!? Probably because you sell rape whistles. But no!no! sells skin care products. So, you know, we’re not going to focus on the name. We prefer to focus on results. And what’s better than facial muscle resistance training in an unobtrusive mask?
Would you rather grow old gracefully or pump your face full of botulism? You’re simply going to be a liver-spotted old hag with an inability to emote. But you don’t have to take my word for it. You never do so why start now? Take a look at the product description and your face will begin to tighten up immediately:
Get a natural looking lift and look years younger with FaceTrainer, the only fitness device that applies the proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles. With just 10 minutes a day in the privacy of your own home, you can tighten sagging skin and ease the signs of aging. Clear, easy to follow illustrated and video instructions take you step-by-step through the exercises for the ultimate workout.
By now, you’re surely itching to watch these aforementioned instructional videos. Well, I’m sure you have work to do right now, but if you really want to watch people do facial exercises while inside a bondage costume, then don’t let me stop you. Just click here and keep some tissues and lotion close by.
You can continue to trip over your jowls or you can strap on the FaceTrainer and experience a “71% reduction in sagging.” The remaining 29% of sagging will just allow you to keep food crumbs stashed in the folds of your skin for when you get hungry in the middle of a movie.
Don’t just sit around growing old and waiting to die. Run away from death’s cold, icy grip by continuing to look young and virile. Strap on the FaceTrainer and unleash your inner child.