SkyMall Monday: Beer Pager

When I was in high school in the mid-90s, beepers were all the rage. My mother, being the prudent parent that she was, forbid me from having one. While I was devastated, it probably would not have improved my social life that much as no one would have paged me. But I digress. Pagers have fallen on hard times since then. Cellphones reign supreme and beepers have been relegated to the dregs of society like drug dealers and doctors. But leave it to SkyMall to find a new group who could benefit from having a pager. Yes, only SkyMall can bring a medium back from the dead and rejuvenate it. Only SkyMall can take a technology utilized by sophisticated establishments like The Cheesecake Factory and Applebee’s and bring it into your home. Yes, only SkyMall can deliver the Beer Pager.

Let me set the scene for you. It’s Tuesday morning. You’ve been up for three days straight on a meth binge. Your girlfriend has been yelling at you for two hours about something (you’re not sure what because she’s impossible to understand ever since you bit off half of her tongue in your last fight). There’s a baby crying and you don’t remember where you left him…or her…or them…whatever. You can’t hear yourself think, let alone remember where you set down that beer you kind of remember cracking open five minutes or two days ago. But, you look down, and there on the waistband of your Zubaz pants is the remote for your Beer Pager!

Your press the button and the noise emanating from your girlfriend’s toothless mouth fades away. The crying of that mysterious baby no longer invades your wax-laden ears. Instead, the only sound you hear is the sweet belch coming from your Beer Pager. There, in its koozie, on its melodious coaster, is your warm can of Schlitz. And, once again, all is right in the world.

If that scenerio isn’t proof enough for you that the Beer Pager improves lives, then read the official product description;

With a press of the remote button, this cozy with removable coaster lights up and lets loose a satisfying belch. Mini remote clips to your belt and will activate up to 60 ft, even through walls.

Through walls and up to 60 feet? That sounds perfect for a double-wide!

Welcome back, pagers. It’s the dawn of a new era for this technology. The Beer Pager is here. And I think the world is a better place for it.

A tip of my hat to Tess Walker for sending me the Beer Pager suggestion.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.