Galley Gossip: Lost in first class

by Heather Poole on

It was dark in the cabin, the seat belt sign was on, passengers were watching the in-flight movie, and we, the crew, stood in the coach galley talking about…oh I don’t remember, but I do remember we were flying from Los Angeles to New York and it had been an uneventful flight. Which was nice for a change. I had been just about to remark on the nice flight when the flight attendant working in the first class galley called us in the back.

I answered the phone, “This is Heather.”

An exasperated voice asked, “Is he back there?”

“Yeah, he’s here, hold on.” I shrugged my shoulders and handed the phone to the one in charge, a tall, tough-looking guy with a goatee. Don’t let the looks fool you. He’s really sweet and mushy inside.

“What!” he exclaimed, holding the phone to his ear. He rolled his eyes. “There’s a child lost in first class,” he said, and that’s all he said, hanging up the phone and making his way up the aisle to sort the matter out.

Of course the first thing that went through my mind was a visual of a very young child running through the first class cabin causing a ruckus. I figured the parents were asleep in coach and totally oblivious to the child’s whereabouts. I mean what else could it be?

Once while deadheading on a flight years ago, I felt something strange moving between my ankles. When I looked down, I gasped. Oh my. There on the floor crawled an infant – right out from underneath my seat! I picked up the baby, cradled her in my arms, and turned around. Behind me slept a young lady. I spotted what looked like a diaper bag lying on the seat beside her.

“Excuse me,” I said, tapping her on the bony shoulder. I held out the infant. “Is this yours?”

She nodded, took the baby into her own arms, leaned her head against the side wall, and closed her eyes.

Leesa, a Gadling reader (and soon to be flight attendant), wrote and told me about her experience with not just a lost child, but a child traveling with a parent who might as well have been lost, considering he knew no boundaries, another common occurrence on flights these days…

Once last year while on a Qantas flight back to the US from SYD, we were lucky enough to have one of the exit rows on a 747 where you have like 6 feet of wonderful leg room. Ahhhh, so nice. Anyhow, this man had his 2 year old screaming child for 2 hours dancing and singing right in front of us – in OUR leg room. Of course the crew was busy working so we were given an up close and rather unwanted performance RIGHT in our very coveted leg space!!! Hey, we booked early for those seats!!! The nerve!

I know this might be hard for some of you to believe, but no one wants to play with your child. So please do not assume that just because your little bundle of joy is adorable and smart that we all want to share our space with him or her. Nor does anyone want to watch your child making laps around the airplane. Now I’m not talking about walking up and down the aisle doing the bouncy bounce to make baby stop crying, or the quick lap around to get the blood flowing (just make sure the seat belt sign is not on), I’m talking about the trek from coach, through business class, all the way up to first class, and around again. People pay big money for those premium class seats and they do not want to be disturbed by you or your adorable little monster, which is why when the flight attendant in charge got the call, I assumed – we all assumed – there was just another child making the rounds.

Hey, it happens. But it’s our job to keep it from happening.

Unfortunately, in this case, there was nothing to stop from happening, because the child turned out to be a teenager, a very well mannered one, and the teenager happened to be looking for her father who was supposed to be sitting in first class while the rest of the family sat in coach. His empty seat had apparently been unoccupied the entire flight. No one had noticed. Immediately the purser grabbed the paperwork and sure enough, we really were missing a passenger in first class, and we were three hours into the flight.

Turns out the father had decided to run and get something to read at the bookstore prior to departure while the rest of the family boarded the aircraft and took their seats in main cabin. Because they were in coach and he was (supposed to be) in first class, they had no idea he never made it back in time. Can you imagine his face when he got to the gate and found the plane, along with his family, had departed to New York without him?

Which brings me to the lesson of the day. Passengers, do be on time! The airplane will not wait for you, even when you’re seated in first class. Flight attendants, do not assume anything, especially when it comes to passengers. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, something new happens.

Photos courtesy of (little girl) artolog (first class seat) Richard Moross

Galley Gossip: The passenger seated in 11J

by Heather Poole on

“Did you see 11J?” asked Shirley as she walked into the galley in coach and chucked a wadded up bag of fast food into the trash. We were in the process of boarding and I had my eyes on the bins and bags, not 11J, and as usual the bins were filling up fast.

“No, why?” I said, not at all interested because celebrities sit in first class, not business class, and the day before we had Carol Burnett onboard so it was kind of hard to top that.

Shirley smiled ear to ear. “Go look. You’re not going to believe what you see.”

“It’s that bad?” I asked, before making my way up the aisle, closing a couple overhead bins, turning a few bags around so they were in wheels first, squeezing by passengers who were slowly trying to get to their seats.

Yes, it’s true, flight attendants really do talk about you in the galley. When you’re really nice, or do something interesting, or look and act a little strange, or freak out over something that’s not our fault, we talk. A lot. Then we all must go and take a look at what we’ve been talking about. In this case, 11J.

I didn’t want to look too obvious, so I briskly walked through business class without ever glancing over at the passenger seated in 11J, making my way up to the first class cabin, picking up a few empty wine glasses and collecting a fur coat along the way. I tossed the plastic glasses, hung up the coat, and then slowly made my way back to coach, eyeing each passenger and smiling until I came to row eleven. That’s when we locked eyes. Oh my. While I’ve pretty much seen it all in the last fourteen years of flying the unfriendly skies, I’d never seen anything like this before and I doubt I’ll ever see anything like her again!

Petite with dirty blonde hair, she looked at me with her sad brown eyes. I smiled at her, but she did not smile back. Instead she clicked her tongue and smacked her lips several times, and she did this very loudly. Startled, I looked at the gentleman sitting beside her who immediately began to run his fingers through her hair. The clicking (or was it smacking?) continued to get louder and faster.

“Why is she doing that?” I finally asked him, not her, because to be honest, she kind of scared me.

He laughed. “She’s just saying hello.”

Hello? Oh okay. I clicked back. I didn’t want to be rude. “What’s her name?”

“Lisa. She’s 49 years-old.”

I looked at him a little strangely. “Is that old?”

“It is for a monkey.”

That’s right, Lisa was a monkey, and not just any monkey, but a somewhat famous macaw, and she was sitting in a business class seat from Los Angeles to New York on her way to the Today Show. Apparently a couple of her friends, including an alligator, were in the belly of the aircraft while Lisa got to sit inside a large cage that had been strapped to the seat using a seat belt extension. Blue canvas covered the cage. I could see her eyes peeking out from behind the bars through a little window. But just one zip and Lisa was revealed.

“Go ahead and look. She won’t mind,” said the handler.

I peeked inside. “Hi Lisa.” Click, click, click, went her tongue as those sad brown eyes took me in.

The handler said, “She’s one of the oldest monkeys alive.” It turns out that 49 human years is equivalent to 108 in monkey years.

“Looking good, old girl,” I said, and then I click, click, clicked my tongue, which only caused Lisa to smack her lips back. We were becoming fast and furious friends.

Years ago I had Spuds Mackenzie on a flight. Remember him, the Bull Terrier from the Bud Light commercials? Did you know that Spuds was actually a girl, not a boy, and her real name was Honey Tree Evil Eye? Me, neither, at least not until I started writing this post. Spuds, like Lisa, also had her own seat in business class. Recently on a flight from New York to Los Angeles my husband sat near another famous dog, the descendant from the original famous dog, whose real name was Pal, not Lassie. To prove it, here’s the text message my husband sent just minutes before departure….

Don’t forget I arrive about 1-1:30. Lassie is on my flight and sitting in business class ! For real. She is in one seat and the handler in another. There is also a group of (7) 20 somethings sitting in business class. I think they’re in a band. Obnoxious as hell. Flight attendant isn’t going to have this for long.

While celebrity and service animals are allowed to sit in a seat, on a lap, or on the floor, as long as it’s not in an exit row, all other animals, also known as pets, must remain in their closed pet carriers underneath the seat in front of you. Yeah I know it’s not fair, but what I can I say, life ain’t fair, especially on the airplane. But you already knew that.

“Did Lisa wear a diaper?” my husband asked when I told him about my unusual passenger.

I don’t think she did, I told my husband, who could not believe I did not remember something as important as that. What I do remember is Lisa nibbled on a little fruit from the breakfast tray and she was one of the most well behaved passengers I’ve ever seen – as quiet as a mouse – er, monkey!

“Does Lisa stay in the hotel room with you?” I asked the handler. He nodded yes. “Does she sleep in the hotel bed?”

“Sometimes,” The handler laughed. “Most of the time she just sleeps on top of the TV.”

To see Lisa (and her friends) on the Today Show CLICK HERE. You better believe I’ll be writing more about Lisa, as well as traveling with pets, in an upcoming post so make sure to check back!

Galley Gossip: Lindsay Lohan throws a fit when she’s denied a first class seat!

by Heather Poole on

Lindsay Lohan caused “chaos” at the airport in Tampa, Florida on Saturday morning when she was denied a first class seat on an overbooked flight, reports The Huffington Post. Chaos, their word, not mine, is a word that makes me wonder, just what kind of chaos could little old Lindsay create at the airport surrounded by hundreds of passengers?

Do they mean that she stood hovering over the ticket agent until the agent solved her problem, not allowing other passengers to check in? I see passengers do that all the time. Do they mean that she got upset when she didn’t get a seat in the cabin she bought a ticket in? Well she spent a lot of money on that ticket! Wouldn’t you get upset if you purchased something you did not receieve? Why should Lindsay be judged more harshly than we judge each other just because she’s a celebrity?

Trust me when I tell you that quite a few passengers, and I’m talking about the non-celebrity kind, complain about things that are even more ridiculous than not getting the first class seat they bought. A few months ago a passenger threw a fit because he was seated in the last row of coach. I’m sorry, I know it’s not a good seat, but SOMEONE has to sit there, maybe even you. I mean why not you? Am I wrong?

Was Lindsay wrong when she stomped her feet and told a friend traveling with her that they better come back to coach and visit her in case she dies?

You do see where I’m going with this, don’t you? Passengers can be a bit melodramtic, even celebrity passengers, when they walk on board a flight and things don’t go their way. Does that mean we have the right to criticize? I don’t know, you decide.

Maybe Lindsay behaved a little childish. Then again, maybe not. Lindsay is a celebrity and people do hound celebrities. A few years ago I had to practically stand between first class and coach the entire flight to keep passengers from bothering Magic Johnson, who, I must say, was one of the nicest passengers (celebrity or not) I’ve ever met. And last week I saw Toni Collette run through the John F. Kennedy airport holding Sage, her beautiful baby girl. The only reason I recognized her was because of the swarm of paparazzi following fast behind her to the first class check-in counter. Then a few days later I saw Jeff Goldblum placing a backpack on the conveyor belt and walking in striped socks through the security check point at the Los Angeles International Airport. The only reason I noticed him was because of all the flash bulbs going off behind me and passengers pointing their cell phones at him – click click! People have a thing for celebrities. And I’ll admit I’m one of them.

Remember that passenger I mentioned above, the one who didn’t want to sit in the last row, he also stomped his feet and threw a fit, and then he demanded that I find another passenger to sit in his seat, that I move him up to the front of the aircraft, but only an aisle seat would do! No one was swarming him. In fact, just the opposite was happening aboard that flight.

“But Sir,” I said, glancing around the cabin at all the passengers sitting in front of him who were shaking their heads no at me. “The flight is full. I can’t make someone sit in your seat just because you don’t want to sit there.”

“You’re a professional, do your job!” he demanded.

Even though we are professionals, there’s only so much a flight attendant can do on a full flight. If I have time, meaning I am not busy doing my inflight duties that need to be done before the aircraft can back away from the gate, I will ask people if they’re willing to move, but I can not make anyone move. Oh I’ll do my best, especially if children are involved, but you can’t get picky when it comes to the seat.

Now my question to Linds is why didn’t her friend in first class switch seats with her? I bet if she’d arrived to the airport and checked in a little bit earlier, she wouldn’t have had this problem. Then again, I wasn’t there and I do not know all the details. Who knows what really happened that day?

What I do know is eventually Lindsay was moved up to first class. I’m glad that she got her seat. She paid for it. She deserved it. Anyway, It’s not that she doesn’t want to sit in coach, or that coach is beneath her, it’s just who wants to be surrounded by 200 passengers analyzing her every move, like the Huffington Post did? Like we’re doing right now. That’s why I’m siding with Lindsay on this one!

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Photo courtesy of (Lindsay Lohan) The Curse of Brian, (Magic Johnson) Malingering – flickr.com

Check out these other “naughty ladies of the sky” —


Galley Gossip: Just a few things a flight attendant doesn’t want to hear

by Heather Poole on

1. BRACE! – I’ll bet you there wasn’t a flight attendant in the world who did not open their flight manual and review the ditching procedures right after seeing what an amazing job the US Airways crew did evacuating a flight after landing in the Hudson River. On my last flight from New York to Chicago, out of La Guardia, you better believe I felt for my life vest under my jumpseat and did a quick 30 second review of our emergency evacuation procedures before take-off. While I know what I have to do, do you know you should do when the flight crew yells BRACE!

2. QUICK, I NEED A BARF BAG! – The last time I heard these dreaded words I happened to be standing in the first class galley. A passenger from coach came running all the way up the aisle and proceeded to throw up all over the lead flight attendant who was holding an open plastic bag, two commuting flight attendants sitting on the jumpseat, the cockpit door, the first class galley counter, and all over the linoleum floor. The sick woman pretty much made a semi-circle from the entry door to the coffee pots, hitting everything in sight – except for me, thank God. I felt really bad for her. I felt even worse for the other flight attendants. But it was Chris, a fellow coworker, who got the worst of it. When he bent over to clean up the vomit with a little shovel and crystals that turn barf into a foamy gel, his cell phone fell out of his starched shirt pocket and smack dab into the mess.

3. I PROBABLY FLY MORE THAN YOU DO – That’s the phrase that bothers my friend Anthony, a flight attendant for a foreign carrier, the most. It’s what usually follows next that bothers me – I’M A (insert frequent flier status here)! Even so, that doesn’t give you the right to do whatever it was you were doing that you were asked to stop doing, something you already know you shouldn’t be doing, given the miles you’ve flown. Now turn it off and put it away.

4. CAN I HAVE A GLASS OF WATER – SO I CAN TAKE A PILL Passengers don’t realize how quickly airplanes are turned around. Before I even have a chance to stow my crew bags and check the emergency equipment to make sure that it’s there and working, passengers are already making their way down the aisle to their seats. Boarding is by far the busiest time for a flight attendant. Half the time we haven’t even had a chance to set up the galley when passengers, five seconds after walking aboard the airplane, come running to the back of the aircraft to ask for “pill water.” Which is why we sometimes look a little flustered by the request.

5. SO DOES THAT MEAN THE ALCOHOL IS FREE? Whenever an announcement is made that there’s going to be a delay, nine times out of ten a passenger (or four) will ask if the alcohol is free, and freak out when it’s not free, because when it rains or snows or the airplane has a mechanical, free alcohol is always the solution. I mean who doesn’t want to get trapped in a flying tube for hours on end with a bunch of drunk passengers?

6. YOU’RE HOLDING US HOSTAGE! Luckily the only passenger I’ve ever heard use this phrase was celebrity passenger who is known for her magazine and television show. She made this announcement years ago in the first class galley after sitting on the tarmac in New York for over an hour due to icy weather conditions at the airport. We were flying to Bermuda. After the crew explained that we could not go back to the gate and lose our spot for take-off just for her she eventually sat back down and surprisingly did not say another word. My coworker Florence, who found herself with a three hour air traffic control hold in Chicago on a full Super80 flight with hysterical passengers – two who were claustrophobic and one who kept threatening to sue because the airline was holding him hostage, announced, ‘And how do you think I feel?” My sentiments exactly. No one likes a delay, including flight attendants.

7. ARE THERE ANY FIRST CLASS SEATS AVAILABLE? Recently a woman asked me this question on a flight from New York to San Francisco because her headsets didn’t work at her seat and she refused to move to another aisle seat in coach unless her husband could sit right beside her. The flight was full. Trust me when I tell you that if you feel the need to ask this question, the answer is no. Flight attendants do not upgrade passengers. Gate agents are the only ones with upgrading power, so those are the people you need to schmooze. But keep in mind that not only is there a standby list for those oh-so-precious premium seats, and each and every passenger on that list knows exactly where their name is on the list, there are very strict rules about moving passengers from coach to first class when there are seats available.

8. CAN YOU HELP ME GET MY BAG IN THE OVERHEAD BIN? For those of you who follow my blog, this question was addressed in my post, flight attendant pet peeve #3: you want me to do what? Simply put, unless you are an unaccompanied minor, elderly or handicapped and your bag is not too heavy, I will not put the bag in the bin. What I will do is help you find a place for the bag. I may assist you in getting the bag inside the bin, but the key word here is assist, people, as in team effort, because I will not do it for you.

9. WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO FOOD / WE HAVE TO PAY FOR FOOD / YOU RAN OUT OF MY PREFERRED FOOD CHOICE? Exactly that – there’s no food, you have to pay for food, or we ran out of your preferred food choice – nothing more. It’s not personal. It’s business. So whatever you do, please don’t get mad at me, I’m just the messenger. Trust me when I tell you that flight attendants dread passing this message along to you. We already know how you’re going to respond. So just where did the service go? Unfortunately it disappeared along with those high ticket prices, which is why we’re now all stuck inside the flying metal tube together. Can’t we all just get along, regardless of the food situation?

10. ON MY LAST FLIGHT… These four little words are just the beginning of what I like to call “the bad response,” which is the response I often get whenever I tell someone what I do for a living. Ya see these four oh-so-innocent words will now be followed by a pause, which will then be accompanied by a weird look, which of course leads to a very bad story about their last flight. Needless to say, the conversation usually doesn’t go so well after this. How can it? I’ve now been linked to the worst flight this person has ever had.

11. (From creepy pilot) ANYONE WANT A BACK RUB? Uh – no! I don’t think so. Now here’s your coffee. Get back in the cockpit and stay there! This question came from my favorite pilot, Bob, the singing pilot, who is so not creepy at all, even though he did write a song about me – Lay across your jump seat, Heather.

12. HERE, TAKE THIS DIAPER? I’ll take the diaper, but only if you’ll work the beverage cart. Seriously, the last thing I want to touch is a dirty diaper (or crumpled snot rag) when I serve people food and drinks for a living. It’s just not sanitary to do such a thing. Look, I have a two year-old who travels often, so I know how it is, I know it’s not easy, but you’re going to have to keep the diaper at your seat until the aisle is clear and you can dispose of it properly in the lavatory trash receptacle.

13. WHEN DO WE GET THERE (During boarding) As I stand in the aisle and stare blankly at my watch, I’m trying to remember where we are right now, because I’ve been to several cities already, and where are we going again? Oh yeah, now I’ll just add the flying time, subtract the time change, and while I’m doing this passengers are flagging me down for “pill water” and asking me to help stow their bags. “Don’t they know what time they land when they buy their ticket?” asked Lynne, a fellow coworker. “Honestly, flight attendants only know what time they have to report to the airplane.” Sad, but true.

14. CAN YOU BREAK A $100? Uh-no! Which is exactly why you’re asking. Whenever somebody asks me to break a large bill, I make it a point to find the change, even if I have to go through the cabin begging each and every passenger to help me out. Usually passengers who carry big bills are trying to score a free headset, drink, or snack. Oh I know exactly what they’re doing. And don’t ask me for change every five seconds in flight, either. I don’t have it. I’ll get it to you as soon as possible. I’m not going anywhere. I promise!

15. WHERE ARE WE? On the airplane. Honestly, I don’t know where we are when I’m working a flight. I don’t have a chance to sit and stare out the window. What I do know is that we’re not there yet and the man in 24B would like a diet coke and his wife would like a glass of water – no ice, and that there are at least 50 more passengers behind you left to serve, before we pull the cart back up to the front of the aircraft and throw it all away. Please don’t make me walk all the way to the back of the aircraft, not when I’m in the middle of the service, just to call the cockpit and find out where we are – approximately, because we won’t be there for long and you know you’re going to ask me again, because we’re still not there yet.

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Galley Gossip: Rock of Love – on the airplane!

by Heather Poole on

“When he walked aboard the flight the first thing I saw were the boots, and then the cool jeans and long blond hair. He didn’t wear any makeup and his skin was clear and soft, a beautiful complexion. Then I noticed the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen. We were flying from Orlando to Los Angeles, I think,” said my mother, who is also a flight attendant for the same U.S airline that I work for.

“I remember thinking to myself when he walked past me to his first class seat, Oh no, this is going to be a difficult flight. Because of the rock-n-roll connection. I don’t like trouble on my flights,” my mother added rather sternly.

“How did you know it was him?” I asked as I plopped down beside her on the sofa in the crashpad. Together we sat side by side watching him, the guy wearing the cool jeans and the long blond hair, on television.

“I just knew. Maybe it was the bandanna,” she said.

My mother was talking about Bret Michaels, of course, star of the reality TV show Rock of Love Bus on VH1.

So what do two flight attendants who are both on reserve at the same time do when they’re waiting for crew schedule to call and send them who-knows-where at a moments notice? They watch TV, and I mean a lot of TV. Me, I like the reality shows. I’m not afraid to admit it. My mom, she likes to watch the weather channel and Fox news. So imagine my surprise when I came home from a horrendous two-day trip, a trip that I’ll be writing about soon, and found my mother – my mother! – sitting on the sofa and watching Rock of Love Bus.

“I don’t know how he can stand looking at all of them,” my mother said, not once peeling her eyes away from all of them, all of those scantily dressed women desperate to get Bret’s attention on the television show. “They all look the same, don’t they? I’m surprised he doesn’t go for a more classy type of girl, a Jacquelyn Kennedy type.”

I burst out laughing. I mean we were talking about Bret Michaels, were we not? Somehow I couldn’t imagine Jackie Kennedy on the bus, particularly that bus!

“I just think he deserves better than this!” She pointed at the television just as one of the female contestants began dancing around a pole. She shook her head. “He’s a smart guy. Believe me, there’s a lot more to him than this show and these goofy girls.”

As I watched the man being manhandled by several half naked women, I mumbled to myself, “I can’t remember which band was he in.”

“Poison,” my mother said matter of fact. I looked at her. She looked at me. “Oh wipe that stunned look off your face!”

Now flight attendants see celebrities sitting in first class all the time. In fact, on my very first flight back in 1995 I had Goldie Hawn onboard. Last night I saw Peter Greenberg and Kanye West. After awhile you just get used to seeing them. It’s no big deal. And while some celebrity passengers make good impressions, others don’t. I won’t be going there. But trust me when I tell you that flight attendants have all kinds of celebrity passenger stories to share. Only when it comes to celebrities on the airplane, my mother is the last person to get star struck. Except for the time she chatted with one of the lead singers in the band Air Supply and the time Al Gore said hello to her in the airport terminal, she rarely ever mentions famous people.

“Why do you like Bret Michaels so much,” I asked, because…well…I know why I like him. He has a great sense of humor! But my mother?

“He just made a very good impression,” she said. “Which is why I don’t get what exactly is going on with all these girls on this bus!”

So what was it, exactly, about Bret Michaels that made such an impression on this somewhat conservative woman, my mother?

“His manners,” she said. “That’s what really stood out about him.” A few seconds later she added,” As I was refilling beverages in the aisle, I noticed him having a long and friendly conversation with his seatmate, not a young hot bimbo, but an older conservatively dressed business man. They really seemed to be enjoying each others company. He seems to be the kind of guy who can get along with anyone and everyone, and he’s one of the most pleasant passengers I’ve ever encountered.”

Which just goes to show, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover – or bandanna. And that goes for passengers and flight attendants alike!

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Photos courtesy of (Rock of Love bus) Robot_Zombie_Monkey and (Rock of Love, the first season) Hortensia V