Taking Denny’s Tour of America

Denny’s – America’s Diner – recently introduced their Tour of America menu. The chain attempted to capture the essence of America’s diverse cuisines in seven dishes and three beverages. However, it’s not really a tour if you only order one meal. That simple thought led Gadling to send me to New Jersey with Erik Trinidad, food writer for the Huffington Post and creator of Fancy Fast Food, to sample Denny’s entire Tour of America menu. We ordered all ten items and took a trip around the United States without ever leaving our booth.

Were the dishes accurate representations of their regions? Does Hawaii deserve three dishes when it’s the 40th most populous state? Is eating that much food at Denny’s good for you?

Watch the video to see if we managed to answer any of these pressing questions and read on for more on the Tour of America.

%Gallery-129528%It’s hard to have high expectations when it comes to Denny’s. That said, we always have high expectations for America. This conflict was evidenced in the inconsistency of the dishes.

Philly Cheesesteak Omelette

There are certain things that you expect from a Philly Cheesesteak, not the least of which is the thinly shaved beef. The omelette, however, featured chunks of prime rib. That’s just not right. Add to that the noticeably modest amount of cheese (and it’s not even Cheez Whiz) and lack of bread and nothing about this was related to a Philly cheesesteak. It’s a good omelette, but it’s not a Philly Cheesesteak Omelette.

Southern Shrimp & Grits

Erik and I were nervous about this one. I mean, it’s shellfish…at Denny’s. That said, this was a delightfully delicious surprise. The grits were initially bland, but once you mixed them with the bacon and jalapenos, the dish really came to life. The Lowcountry would be proud!

Georgia Peach French Toast

The french toast was bland. The peaches were most likely from a can. Nothing about this was remotely good. You want to serve a Georgia breakfast? Give me a chicken biscuit and just back away.

Midwestern Steak & Potatoes Sandwich

My favorite dish on the entire menu. How can you go wrong with chunks of prime rib (the same cuts used in the Philly Cheesesteak Omelette, only this time much more appropriate), cheese, french fries, gravy, a cheese roll and a side of mashed potatoes with more gravy. Hearty, comforting and straightforward. Just like the Midwest.

California Club Salad

You don’t need to be from California or a member of any club to know that this is just a salad. A salad loaded with turkey, bacon and avocado, yes, but simply a salad nonetheless.

Hawaiian Tropical Pancake Breakfast

Only three pieces of pineapple? Seriously? The pancakes are bland (would it have killed them to mix some macadamia nuts into the batter?) and the coconut whipped topping is basically just cake frosting. Which is to say, we highly recommend eating the whipped topping and ignoring the pancakes, which are neither Hawaiian nor flavorful.

Hawaiian Tropical Pancake Puppies

OK, we get it: pineapples are Hawaiian. As are the coconut shavings on the outside of these pseudo-beignets. But we’ve never seen these little bite-sized confections anywhere on the archipelago. However, they are delicious and most certainly the best sweet item on the entire Tour of America menu. What they lack in authenticity they more than make up for in crunchy goodness. Aloha!

Hawaiian Tropical Smoothie

Easily the most accurate of the regional beverages on the menu. You taste pineapple, banana and other tropical fruits and it seems like it was freshly made. If I closed my eyes and took a sip, I could almost feel like I was in Hawaii…or at least in a better restaurant than Denny’s.

Florida Orange Milk Shake

Quite simply, it tastes like an orange Creamsicle. That’s not a bad thing, but it’s also not a Florida thing. When I was a kid, my grandmother used to send us packages of oranges from Florida. We’d juice them and enjoy the fresh-squeezed citrus sensation. This drink was not fresh and it was barely orange.

Pacific Northwest Iced Coffee

Folks from Seattle and Portland take their coffee seriously. As such, they should be offended by this offering. It was quite possibly the worst thing on the entire Tour of America menu. It basically tasted like sweetened condensed milk with just a hint of coffee. People of the Pacific Northwest, write to your congresspeople….or to Denny’s. Just don’t drink this beverage.

Some hits, some misses. Overall, the spirit of America was felt (mostly in how this menu could make anyone morbidly obese). However, simply slapping the name of a place on a dish doesn’t make it authentic. Things like Philly cheesesteaks are best left to the experts. Or at least left as sandwiches.

Representatives from New England, New York, Texas (which is its own region and not simply a part of at the South) and the Southwest were sorely missed. Hawaii is over-represented and, if I was Alaskan, I would find that insulting. Seems like we could have had some sockeye salmon in there somewhere!

It was an interesting trip, though, and isn’t that all you can really ask for from any tour of America?

SkyMall Monday: A Cornucopia of Foods

Writing about SkyMall products can generate a real man-sized hunger. Living in New York, I’m surrounded by culinary options from around the globe. I can easily walk from the the SkyMall Monday Headquarters to any number of restaurants specializing in the cuisines of Thailand, Nepal, Italy, Afghanistan, Turkey and Canada (yes, Canada), just to name a few. But sometimes I want to experience the flavors of the world without leaving home. Sure, I could have those restaurants deliver, but I want credit for cooking these meals. And by cooking, I mean constructing and heating up meals that one can only hope freeze, travel and defrost well. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that you don’t need to travel to experience the food of other cultures. Quite frankly, it makes more sense to let the food do the traveling while I stay put. Food doesn’t have to get patted down at the airport or deal with the chatty guy in seat 13F who smells like farts and disappointment. When food comes to you, it makes you more special than the meal. Because you were the one worth visiting. So, what myriad treats can SkyMall deliver to your door? I hope you’re hungry, because I’m going to be putting a heaping helping into your mouth today.Famous Fast Food Bundle (Pictured above) – Containing a Vienna Beef Hot Dog Kit, Original Philly Cheesesteak Co. Kit and Anchor Bar Buffalo wings, this all-in-one party-in-a-box comes with the fixings for 16 Chicago-style hot dogs, six Philly cheesesteaks and two pounds of Buffalo wings. Invite your best girl over for an intimate evening and be sure to contact your lawyer to get your affairs in order before ingesting all that brain food.

Sausage Lovers BundleHere’s what you do: Invite over each and every one of your best bros. All the fellas from the gym. The lads from the office. The guys from your cuddle parties. Gather ’em all up and then unfurl your Sausage Lovers Bundle on their asses! They won’t know what hit the backs of their throats as they take in those two pounds of Vienna Beef Polish sausage, 2.25 pounds of Usinger’s Cooked Brats and eight ounces of Vienna Beef Frankwurts. It will no doubt be the hottest, juicest and zestiest sausage party that those men have ever attended. Your party, like the frankwurts, will be “enormous!” And remember, pack plenty of condiments, because while the “natural hog casing gives it a distinctive snap,” it’s up to you to give it a protective wrap.

Johnnie’s Pastrami Dip – Typically, I like my pastrami to be made by someone named Morty or Schlomo, but only Johnnie can turn this delightful meat into something so classy. Because all it takes is “one bite of the pastrami and you know this is real fine dining.” Tablecloth, butler and silver platter not included.

Angelina’s Crab CakesOne bite identifies the meat as 100% domestic blue crab, the exclusive, expensive variety that’s worth every succulent nibble.” Because when you have to be told about an items exclusivity and price, you know it’s classy. Just ask the Real Housewives of [insert name of any city that has been featured on that show].

Fruitasia Easier to navigate than its cousin Southeast Asia and significantly more delicious than it’s sibling, euthanasia, Fruitasia is a treat for all of your senses. “A feast of flavors and sweet nectars – 16 pieces of fruit in all – this selection offers harvest-fresh morsels from every corner of the grove. Equally opulent is its dramatic presentation, making it irresistible to lavish on someone special.” That’s a grandiose way of saying that it’s a basket with three kinds of pears, two kinds of apples and some navel oranges.

Rocky Mountain ChocolatesPerhaps no region is more world-renowned for its confections than the American West.

I could go on, but, well, I’m starving. Check out all 50 food items offered in the SkyMall catalog when you have some time. Assuming you don’t eat any of them, it will be a great use of your time.

As for me, I have to get the invites out for my upcoming Presidents Day Sausage Party. They’ll be delivered in shipping tubes. I hope to see you there.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.