SkyMall Monday: Pizza Pro

Here at SkyMall Monday, we are always looking to make life simpler. The world is such a difficult and challenging place. But thankfully our favorite catalog tells us what our problems are and then solves them. This week, we tackle the impossible feat of serving pizza. Too often we make our own pizzas at home and then can’t slice them. Who has a pizza cutter? Or knives? And how do they expect you to pick up the slice once it’s cut? All the while, your family is dying of malnutrition. Can you live with that on your conscience? Is that tomato sauce or blood on your hands? Put all these questions to rest by inviting the Pizza Pro into you life.

Let’s face it, slicing pizza is next to impossible. Time after time, I have thrown my hands up into the air in exasperation while trying to serve that circular Rubik’s cube of a meal. I mean, what is a man to do? And lifting the slice? Don’t even get me started! Am I supposed to use a spatula? A cake spatula? It’s all just too damn confusing. So you can imagine how much of a relief it is to find a device that is made specifically for pizza. Finally, our long national nightmare is over.

I wasn’t fully convinced until I read the product description:

Slice and serve pizza easily with this new invention. It combines kitchen shears with a wedge-shaped spatula so you can slice and serve with one hand without ever losing toppings…Works for both left- and right-handed people.

Left- and right-handed people can finally cut their pizza like it’s a child’s craft project and serve it to their friends and families while looking like a true professional. Assuming, of course, that professional pizza makers use this device. Which they don’t. But if you make your kids pay you for the dinner, that would make you a professional. And, really, they should pay for their meals. You work hard all day. What do they do? Pick their noses and watch Dora the Explorer? Free-loading bastards!

So, if you want to look like a totally competent adult human being, get the Pizza Pro. I really don’t see any viable alternative.