SkyMall Monday: Sand Names Print

Times are tough. The economy is still struggling and the holiday season makes our bank accounts hemorrhage money. I’ve even had to make cuts at the SkyMall Monday headquarters. I’ve stopped purchasing a new King-sized bed every three months and found a new way to sleep comfortably. Everyone’s budgets are tight and discretionary income is hard to find. It’s difficult to take women out on dates, let alone impress them with opulent gifts and vacations. So how do you survive these trying fiduciary times and not let the winter doldrums leave you feeling defeated and alone? How can you let people know that you’re not only surviving the financial crisis but thriving in it? How can you do all of these things while handsomely adorning your home? Well, you should know by now that you can do all of these things by turning to the ol’ SkyMall catalog. Save your money, don’t get on your employer’s bad side by taking vacation days and don’t seek comfort in the supportive embrace of a loved one. Instead, pretend to do all of these things by showing off your Sand Names Print.Your friends, family and coworkers will think that you’re living a storybook life when they see that you and someone very special not only went on a tropical vacation but proclaimed your love for one another in the permanence of sand. They’ll never know that you simply chose a random name (or, more likely, the name of that bitch in high school that turned you down when you asked her to the Winter Ball) and had it digitally inserted into a photograph. You’ll be able to hold your head high knowing that all the money you would have spent on dates, jewelry and gifts for a girlfriend is instead being invested in Mountain Dew and sweet shirts.

Don’t believe that simply ordering a fake vacation photo replaces the experience of traveling with a loved one and preserving your moment of tender declarations? Where’s your sense of whimsy? I suppose I can indulge your cold, dead heart by sharing the product description with you:

No wave will ever remove this memory. Showcase your love for each other with this personalized within the sand heart.

No wave will ever remove this memory because no wave was actually involved in it. But that’s just semantics. Who needs waves or sand or human interaction when you have the largest pornography collection in the tri-county area, right? Relationships are for suckers, Vacations are for the lazy. You’re too clever for all of that nonsense.

So, the next time someone asks you how you’re managing in this economy, point to your framed Sand Names Print and tell them, “Mind your own business, jerkface!” Then open your Double Umbrella and tell them about your fancy model girlfriend who they’ve never met because she lives in Canada.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.