SkyMall Monday: A Cornucopia of Foods

by Mike Barish on

Writing about SkyMall products can generate a real man-sized hunger. Living in New York, I’m surrounded by culinary options from around the globe. I can easily walk from the the SkyMall Monday Headquarters to any number of restaurants specializing in the cuisines of Thailand, Nepal, Italy, Afghanistan, Turkey and Canada (yes, Canada), just to name a few. But sometimes I want to experience the flavors of the world without leaving home. Sure, I could have those restaurants deliver, but I want credit for cooking these meals. And by cooking, I mean constructing and heating up meals that one can only hope freeze, travel and defrost well. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that you don’t need to travel to experience the food of other cultures. Quite frankly, it makes more sense to let the food do the traveling while I stay put. Food doesn’t have to get patted down at the airport or deal with the chatty guy in seat 13F who smells like farts and disappointment. When food comes to you, it makes you more special than the meal. Because you were the one worth visiting. So, what myriad treats can SkyMall deliver to your door? I hope you’re hungry, because I’m going to be putting a heaping helping into your mouth today.Famous Fast Food Bundle (Pictured above) – Containing a Vienna Beef Hot Dog Kit, Original Philly Cheesesteak Co. Kit and Anchor Bar Buffalo wings, this all-in-one party-in-a-box comes with the fixings for 16 Chicago-style hot dogs, six Philly cheesesteaks and two pounds of Buffalo wings. Invite your best girl over for an intimate evening and be sure to contact your lawyer to get your affairs in order before ingesting all that brain food.

Sausage Lovers Bundle – Here’s what you do: Invite over each and every one of your best bros. All the fellas from the gym. The lads from the office. The guys from your cuddle parties. Gather ’em all up and then unfurl your Sausage Lovers Bundle on their asses! They won’t know what hit the backs of their throats as they take in those two pounds of Vienna Beef Polish sausage, 2.25 pounds of Usinger’s Cooked Brats and eight ounces of Vienna Beef Frankwurts. It will no doubt be the hottest, juicest and zestiest sausage party that those men have ever attended. Your party, like the frankwurts, will be “enormous!” And remember, pack plenty of condiments, because while the “natural hog casing gives it a distinctive snap,” it’s up to you to give it a protective wrap.

Johnnie’s Pastrami Dip – Typically, I like my pastrami to be made by someone named Morty or Schlomo, but only Johnnie can turn this delightful meat into something so classy. Because all it takes is “one bite of the pastrami and you know this is real fine dining.” Tablecloth, butler and silver platter not included.

Angelina’s Crab Cakes – “One bite identifies the meat as 100% domestic blue crab, the exclusive, expensive variety that’s worth every succulent nibble.” Because when you have to be told about an items exclusivity and price, you know it’s classy. Just ask the Real Housewives of [insert name of any city that has been featured on that show].

Fruitasia – Easier to navigate than its cousin Southeast Asia and significantly more delicious than it’s sibling, euthanasia, Fruitasia is a treat for all of your senses. “A feast of flavors and sweet nectars – 16 pieces of fruit in all – this selection offers harvest-fresh morsels from every corner of the grove. Equally opulent is its dramatic presentation, making it irresistible to lavish on someone special.” That’s a grandiose way of saying that it’s a basket with three kinds of pears, two kinds of apples and some navel oranges.

Rocky Mountain Chocolates – Perhaps no region is more world-renowned for its confections than the American West.

I could go on, but, well, I’m starving. Check out all 50 food items offered in the SkyMall catalog when you have some time. Assuming you don’t eat any of them, it will be a great use of your time.

As for me, I have to get the invites out for my upcoming Presidents Day Sausage Party. They’ll be delivered in shipping tubes. I hope to see you there.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

A week at the Dulles customs area – cocaine, porn and $35,000

by Scott Carmichael on

Traveling often sucks – but a sure way to make the end of your trip even worse, is to get one of those cryptic red messages scribbled all over your customs form when you pass through the immigration line.

I’ve been selected for a closer look at my belongings about 20 times, and it can be a massive pain in the backside.

Customs officials usually go through every single item in my bags, going so far as to turn on my laptop and take it to a small room where I’m guessing a forensics specialist is looking for dirty photos.

Still, I’ve never had anything to hide, so other than a major inconvenience, it isn’t really the end of the world.

That said – after reading a Customs and Border Protection press release about “a week in the life of Dulles Airport”, I’ve got a lot more understanding and respect for what the CBP does.
Here are some of the highlights of just one week:

  • Dagoberto Giraldo Perez was arrested on an outstanding DEA warrant for importing 11 pounds (or more) of cocaine into the US.
  • A Japanese traveler tried to enter the US with child porn DVDs, and another passenger arriving from Peru was carrying an insane 66 bestiality DVDs
  • A lady arriving on a flight from London landed at Dulles with $35,000 in US currency, but refused to declare it, despite repeated requests. She left the airport with $300 and will have to plead her case in a petition to claim the rest of it. There is nothing inherently wrong with carrying that much cash, but you do need to declare anything over $10,000.
  • 8 passengers were turned over to the local police on outstanding arrest warrants, mainly involving charges of theft, fraud and insufficient funds.
  • The “dumbest passenger of the week” at the customs desk was a passenger from Vietnam who failed to declare 6 pork sausages. The CBP agriculture specialists gave the man numerous opportunities to amend his customs declaration form, but he decided it would be more fun to just keep lying. He was fined $175.

Then of course, there are the usual passengers who lied on their customs forms and tried to hide items like sausages, Absinthe and Cuban cigars in their luggage. Customs agents even seized 2 bottles of vodka from a minor arriving from Germany

So there you have it – the results from just one airport, during one week.

What surprised me most, was how many passengers simply fail to understand what they are up against. It takes a very special kind of stupid to prefer lying about the items right in front of you and and being fined, than simply amending your declaration.

The US Customs and Border Protection agency has a site dedicated to educating you about the various rules and regulations regarding items you can (and can not) bring back to the country. Many of those rules are pretty straightforward, but the most important thing to remember is to not be an ass at the customs desk and to remember that lying to the agent is probably not in your best interests.

Check out these other stories from the airport checkpoint!

Weird things that drop on New Year’s Eve

by Jamie Rhein on

Jeffery wrote about weird New Year’s traditions around the world. There are also weird items that drop at midnight New Year’s Eve.

Sure you can watch the ball drop at Time’s Square in New York City on New Year’s Eve, either in person or on television, or you can watch a walleye drop. A walleye is a fish caught in Lake Erie. Every year a 20-foot, 600 pound fiberglass walleye is dropped in Port Clinton, Ohio to ring in the New Year.

Port Clinton isn’t the only town to drop unusual items to mark a new beginning. I’ve known about Walleye Madness for year’s but came across this Reuters article with nine other unusual New Year’s drop items. As you will notice, most items are food related. The links lead to articles and references with information about each of these quirky events.

Hard alcohol banned from Wenceslas Square stands. Kielbasas saved!

by Iva Skoch on

The sausage stands on Prague’s Wenceslas Square are probably familiar to anyone who stumbled its cobble-stoned streets after midnight, looking (unsuccessfully) for a more civilized place to eat. The after-dark scene around these stands is not what most people have in mind when they picture the fairy-tale city of Prague: homeless people, prostitutes, and people of various stages of drunkenness.

Prague has been trying to figure out how to clean up Wenceslas Square and some people argued that these stands should be the first to go. But Praguers don’t want to give up that easily. They signed a petition against the elimination of kielbasas from Wenceslas Square, citing “tradition.” It is peculiar because there are hundreds of legends about the ingredients of these things (urine being one of them). A lot of people call the kielbasas “cancerbasas” because of the burned oil used to fry them up. Consequently, the Czech Republic has the highest colon cancer rate in the world. Traditions, it seems, are hard to kill.

The city has decided to ignore the sausages for now. Starting this summer though, stands won’t be able to sell hard alcohol. As for cancerbasas, it is only a matter of time.