SkyMall Monday: The Wovel

by Mike Barish on

Here on the East Coast, SkyMall Monday headquarters is being bombarded by a blizzard. Thankfully, our New York City location means that we don’t have to do any of the shoveling. However, for millions of people who have to keep their driveways, walking paths, sidewalks and outdoor dance floors clean and snow-free, storms like this create hours of backbreaking labor. Shoveling snow can cause back pain, frostbite and, sadly, cardiac episodes. However, you can’t just ignore the snow because you’re scared of dealing with it. Eventually, you’ll need to dig yourself out. How can you do that safely? Other than paying some neighborhood kids to do a half-assed job or borrowing your obnoxious neighbor’s snow blower and then having to owe him a favor that he will inevitably redeem when he wants an invitation to your annual bathing suit-optional pool party, what options do you have? Well, now, thanks to SkyMall, you can shovel your driveway safely using the powers of physics. Throw out of your measly shovels and get ready for the Wovel.Few things work as well in the snow as wheels. Slippery conditions mixed with thick, wet snow are ideal for a single thin wheel. The Wovel’s ability to pivot also allows the shoveler to shower himself with snow, which is perfect for reenacting everyone’s favorite scene from Flashdance. What could possibly go wrong?

Think that there’s nothing wrong with old-fashioned shovels? Believe that a giant wheel is bound to struggle in deep snow? Curious how one might store this device in a crowded garage all year long? Well, while you’re stuck inside your house asking yourself rhetorical questions, I hope you’ll find time to read the product description:

At first glance, the Wovel might appear to the layperson to be a novel-looking device counterintuitive to effective snow removal. In fact, the Wovel is an elegant and efficient design based on two of the oldest and most commonplace scientific principles ever put into use: the wheel and the lever…The Wovel (rhymes with shovel) is the safe alternative to shoveling. Now, with virtually no effort, you can throw snow without twisting or lifting.

Actually, at first glance it looks like a shovel and a wheelbarrow had a baby after a drunken night in the tool shed. I must agree, however, that it is elegant. It’s all-black design makes it perfect for formal affairs from weddings to cotillions.

As snow blankets us, let’s make sure that we’re prepared for the worst. Stock your pantries with canned goods, plug in all of your electric blankets and make sure that you shovel – er, I mean Wovel – safely.

UPDATE: Learn exactly how to use the Wovel (hint: it’s all about the wrist snap) using this instructional video (thanks to Meg Nesterov for finding this).

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Mustache Mirror

by Mike Barish on

I’m no stranger to facial hair. And I’m certainly a supporter of mustaches. However, I understand that there are many people who can’t grow lip sweaters. Whether it’s due to genetics, illness, workplace rules or simply gender, some poor souls must remain fresh-faced. Until Locks for Love allows me to donate my beard to someone (all joking aside, that’s a great charity that I urge you to check out), those without blooming facial follicles will be forced to find alternative means for covering their lips. While using a permanent marker to draw a stache may seem like a good idea, that can get out of hand. Fake mustaches tend to fall off at inopportune times and masks are just plain creepy. Thankfully, SkyMall is prepared to address this serious issue. Now, when guests come over to SkyMall Monday headquarters, they too can have a mustache thanks to the new Mustache Mirror.Mustaches show that you are a virile man (or woman, if you’re Sicilian). They display your power, confidence and potency. These are traits that must be broadcast to the world. For some, however, mustaches are as elusive as unicorns, leprechauns and the McRib. That doesn’t mean that they should be denied the joy one experiences when they first see themselves with a swath of hair darting across their upper lip like a steamship proudly crossing the Atlantic.

Think that mustaches are only for pedophiles and dictators? Believe that mustaches should have died in the 80s? Your prejudice only makes me more determined to share the product description with you:

Ever wonder how you’d look styled with a ‘stache? Worry not about facial hair farming inhibitions, thanks to our exclusive beveled-edge mirror.

Three bushy, manly lip ticklers are printed boldly at the perfect level so you can try one on for size; the ready-to-hang accent will be a hit in your entry or powder room.

Worry not, indeed! Plus, we’re bringing back the term “powder room.” That’s a bonus.

While I would prefer to see more than three mustaches on the mirror and wish that handlebar varieties made up less than 66.6% of the options, I still feel that the Mustache Mirror is a major breakthrough in facial hair research.

For all of you without mustaches, this is your rebirth. You have a second chance to live the life you always felt you were supposed to live. Remember, mustaches are not a choice. They’re a way of life.

For more information on mustaches, I urge you to visit the American Mustache Institute.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Ice Cream Ball

by Mike Barish on

There are plenty of things that should be included on any packing list. Items such as underwear, toothbrushes and your passport should not be left at home. However, certain sundries are oft-overlooked but are just as important as those commonly accepted essentials listed above. How many times have you been on the road only to be frighteningly without ice cream? Lack of ice cream kills thousands of travelers every year*. Here at the SkyMall Monday headquarters, we always keep ice cream pre-packed into travel-sized containers just in case we’re called away at a moment’s notice. You’ll be surprised to learn, however, that ice cream does not travel well. That’s why it’s always best to pick some up when you’re traveling. That said, it’s not always easy to find ice cream. In those situations, you need to make your own. Traditional ice cream makers are bulky, noisy and boring. They just sit there and churn while you’re left to entertain yourself. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that the presence – or promise – of ice cream means that fun is about to ensue. They’ve combined all the joys of ice cream with the simple pleasure of playing with balls to make the moments leading up to the ice cream more fun than you ever could have imagined. They’ve provided us with the Ice Cream Ball.

Why should making ice cream be a passive activity? Rather than letting an electric ice cream maker do all the work while sapping the Earth of precious resources, you can make ice cream using the power of play. Roll, toss and caress that ball until your ice cream is ready to melt in your mouth. It’s the natural evolution of off-the-grid dessert manufacturing.

Think that you shouldn’t play with your food? Believe that ice cream is best left to the professionals? Well, while you wait in line for an overpriced banana split, we’ll be making a ball of ice cream while reading the product description:

Make ice cream anywhere! Don’t settle for 31 flavors. The only limit is your imagination! You don’t need electricity, just add ice and rock salt in one end and ice cream mix in the other end-then have a ball as you shake it, pass it or roll it!

Finally, we no longer have to “settle” for 31 flavors. Free at last, free at last, thank Ben & Jerry almighty, we are free at last. And since we all travel with ice (which keeps much better than ice cream) and rock salt, we’re always just a few ball jiggles away from a sweet, fresh dessert.

The next time you are preparing for a trip, make sure that you pack all of the necessities. Grab your toothbrush, bring your glasses and don’t you dare leave your house without the Ice Cream Ball.

* Ludicrously imagined statistic with little to no merit.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Money Maze & Bilz Pinball Game

by Mike Barish on

The holiday season is in full swing and everyone is looking for the best gifts for friends and family. The SkyMall Monday headquarters is filling up with presents for our favorite people. Sometimes, though, you simply have no idea what to get for someone. No matter how much you rack your brain, you just can’t come up with the perfect gift for someone in your life. Whether it’s your coworker, mailman or mistress, you may realize that they’re better off picking out their own gifts. That’s when you need to suck it up and give them a gift card or, if you want to limit them only by their imagination, cash. However, gift cards and cash can seem cold, easy and, possibly, lazy. Not on your part, that is. You were generous. Cash and gift cards are easy for the recipients. Make those people earn their gifts by forcing them to solve a puzzle to get to that sweet consumer gold. Thanks to SkyMall, now your friends and loved ones will be able to cherish the greatest gift of all: humility. Because, after a few glasses of eggnog and with everyone staring at them, they’re going to have a hard time freeing those gift cards from the Bilz Pinball Game and Money Maze.

While there may be no greater holiday thrill than opening a giant wrapped box to find exactly the gift that you were hoping for (oh yes, I remember getting my original Nintendo very well), as an adult there is a simple joy in receiving cash. I mean, it’s money. It sure as heck beats underpants, a hideous sweater or a Two and a Half Men box set. The down side of receiving cash is that it lacks the oohs and ahhs elicited by flashier gifts. If you want the recipient of your monetary gift to be the center of attention, there’s no better way to do so than by forcing them to solve a puzzle to get their hands on their holiday booty.

Think it’s perverse to require someone to solve a puzzle to receive their holiday gift? Believe that it’s not in the Christmas spirit to make someone earn their presents? Well, seems to me that complaining about your gift might just put you on Santa’s naughty list.

The Bilz Pinball Game and Money Maze also serve another wonderful function: They allow the gift-giver to avoid shopping for holiday cards. Normally, you would put cash in a greeting card. Have you gone to a stationery store to shop for cards during the holidays? Christmas songs are blaring, the shelves are in complete disarray thanks ravenous customers and the employees are counting down the days until their seasonal position is eliminated by slashing marks into their wrists. In other words, it’s not the most pleasant retail environment. By putting the cash in one of these puzzles, you save yourself the time and depression of having to shop for cards. It’s a win-win.

This year, stop trying to figure out what everyone on your list wants for Christmas and Chanukah. Just get them all cash and lock it in either the Bilz Pinball Game or Money Maze. They’ll be sure to thank you when they’re done muttering obscenities under their breath while trying to solve the puzzle that is holding their gifts captive. Frankly, if you have to endure their company at yet another holiday party, the least you can do is make them get carpal tunnel while navigating their gift.

Happy Holidays!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: It’s my first Christmas tree, Charlie Brown

by Mike Barish on

Today is Cyber Monday. It’s the internet version of Black Friday. What does all this retail marketing speak mean? Well, it’s officially the holiday shopping season (with a special emphasis on the shopping). By now, your Thanksgiving leftovers have begun to spoil and your mind has replaced thoughts of turkey with lists of gifts for family, friends and coworkers. With so much emphasis on shopping, it’s easy to forget what the holidays are really about: togetherness, appreciation and, of course, fruit cake. You might find it odd for a snarky, sarcastic travel writer who was raised Jewish and then became agnostic to wax poetic about the holiday season when he’s supposed to be writing about SkyMall, but hear me out. Here in the SkyMall Monday headquarters, we just set up our Christmas tree. I love this tree. It has its origins in all the things that make this time of year so special: family, SkyMall and Charlie Brown. This week is a little bit different for SkyMall Monday. Rather than simply reviewing a product, I’d like to share with you my story of the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.As I mentioned above, I was raised Jewish. We were not a very observant family. Bacon cheeseburgers were enjoyed often and we only saw the inside of a synagogue when we were summoned to attend a bar mitzvah (including, oddly, my own) or a wedding. Sure, we’d light the menorah on Chanukah, but my extended family would gather at my aunt and uncle’s house for their annual holiday party on Christmas Eve. My aunt was Catholic, so it made sense. Also, no one had work the next day. Few offices tend to close for Chanukah and the adults usually enjoyed a fair amount of eggnog wine. My sister and I would receive our gifts on Christmas morning. Why? Well, probably so we could experience that special joy along with all the other kids around the world.

Over the years, my family evolved. My parents divorced, my father remarried and we all stopped attending my aunt and uncle’s holiday party because, well, that’s what happens with families. The holidays became far less formal. Now, I visit with my mother to exchange gifts and spoil my nieces with toys. I go to my father and stepmother’s home for dinner and exchange more gifts. All of these gatherings are done on arbitrary days selected only because everyone’s schedule is free. There’s no dressing up. No huge gatherings. Just immediate family, a new generation of children and lots of laughter. In my mind, things have improved. I’m with the people I love the most and get to spend Christmas Day in Chinatown stuffing my face.

My stepmother was raised Catholic and, as such, she and my father have a Christmas tree every year. She’s about as Catholic as we are Jewish, though, so there’s no nativity scene to be found in their house. Just plenty of holiday music and that great big tree. I’ve always cherished having that tree there. Not because it’s a symbol of Christmas or houses all of our gifts. I enjoy it simply because it means, after another long year, the people I love are together again.

Last year, under that very tree, was an oddly shaped, awkwardly wrapped box bearing my name. It was long, three-sided and strangely light for its size. When the time came to open our gifts, I immediately attacked that mystery package. Upon opening it, I was delighted. I was 30-years-old at the time, but easily could have been three based on my reaction. There, in my very secular hands, was a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

That’s the very same tree that I set up this morning. The picture you see above? I took that five minutes before sitting down to write this. It’s not the musical version sold on SkyMall. The catalog used to sell the silent model that my father and stepmother bought for me but, like all things these days, even the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree has received a technological upgrade. I, however, prefer my simple tree.

It’s not really a celebration of Christmas. It’s certainly not a rejection of Chanukah or Judaism. It’s a reminder of what’s important. As you begin your holiday shopping, try to maintain some perspective about why this time of year is so special. Whatever your traditions may be, no matter how annoying your holiday travels are and regardless of your religious affiliation (including those who don’t have one at all), remember that this time of year is about family, giving thanks and Bigfoot Holiday Yeti Ornaments.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.