SkyMall Monday: Children’s Gym Equipment

by Mike Barish on

With summer in full effect, everyone is hyper-sensitive about how they look. It’s been one of the hottest summers in decades, which means skimpier clothing and lots of time spent in bathing suits. And that means exposed skin and – sadly – exposed flaws. From beer bellies to muffin tops to hot dogs on the backs of people’s necks, fat rears its ugly head in numerous unflattering ways. I’m not talking about adults who have let themselves go. No, I’m talking about kids who have hit the Dunkaroos just a little too hard. Thankfully, we can start nipping those problems in the bud before they ever have a chance to weigh kids down (see what I did there?). Now there’s a way to keep children fit, ripped and juiced up so that they look their best when sliding down the Crocodile Mile. Who do we have to thank for getting our kids in shape? SkyMall, of course. Who else would realize that kids can’t stay healthy simply by playing freeze tag and Red Rover. They need an intense workout regimen that focuses on their glamor areas. You know, arms, abs and butt. The muscles that keep those girls coming back for more than just nap time. They need the Fun & Fitness children’s gym equipment.Everybody knows that kids who like to party are really into GTL. You know, Gymboree, Toilet Training, Lunchables. That’s what keeps them looking good and attracting the attention of all those hotties at the playground. If you’re gonna look like a gorilla juicehead in your Ed Hardy kids wear, you need to be huge. All the more reason to buy the entire Fun & Fitness line of children’s gym equipment.

Fun & Fitness Air Walker

Finally, a Gazelle for children so that Tony Little can yell at someone who also rocks an adorable blond ponytail. Your kid’s calves and butt will firm up in weeks, allowing them to look great in miniskirts and wedges when they hit the birthday party circuit.

Fun & Fitness Weight Bench

No one wants to be that wimpy kid who can’t even get his straw into a pouch of Capri Sun (Author’s Note: Yes, I know that those pouches were hard for everyone – WTF). Little girls like boys who are ripped. Big biceps mean big pushes on the swings.

Fun & Fitness Treadmill

Sure, your kids could simply do what all kids have done since the dawn of time: run around in circles until they are exhausted and dizzy. But where’s the discipline in that? Your children need to be able to monitor their speed, distance and – seriously – calories burned. If your little girl ate too many slices of pizza before bed after a night of partying with Pixy Stix, she has to sweat it all out the next morning before cruising the boardwalk.

Fun & Fitness Stationary Bike

Teaching your children to ride bikes is worthless. They’re just going to fall and cry and tear holes in their Jeans Diapers. Instead, let them track their distance and – again, seriously – calories burned while listening to the latest beats from Kidz Bop.

You could continue to let your kids play games, run around in the backyard and, you know, be children, but then you’d just be an irresponsible parent with well-adjusted offspring. If you want your kids to look good, be popular and get with all the hottest girls in playgroup, then you need to get them them toned and jacked. Juice box abs get the ladies.

So, rather than raising your kids to be losers focused on nonsense like Ring Around the Rosie and math, make sure that they are spending two hours a day pumping foam (you didn’t think the weights were metal, did you?) and running till they work off those Teddy Grahams. If they’re gonna fist pump like little champs, they’ll need to earn it.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Top 10 pieces of spy gear

by Mike Barish on

The world is a scary place. Heck, even the Cold War is heating up (er, cooling off?) again with Russian spies being kicked out of the US. It’s becoming harder and harder to trust anyone, even your family. Here in the SkyMall Monday headquarters, I trust Calvin the Garden Yeti and no one else. In these crazy times, it’s best to find out all the information you can on those around you, lest they try to steal your possessions, kidnap your children or take over your life like that crazy lady from Single White Female. Covert ops are not just for TV and the movies. You need to take matters into your own hands and do constant reconnaissance to be sure that you stay one step ahead of your wife, boyfriend, babysitter, coworker or daughter. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that your paranoia is justified and that a tinfoil hat is not enough to keep you safe from the people who want to steal your thoughts. They have 89(!!!) different items listed in their “Under Cover” spy and surveillance section. If that doesn’t validate your decision to spy on your loved ones, then just do it because it’s fun! This week, we take a look at the top 10 pieces of spy gear in SkyMall.Teddy Bear Hidden Camera – Pictured above, this innocent looking teddy bear houses a heat activated camera which will record your baby’s entire sweaty nap thanks to that handsome and thick wool cap. It also works on grown women who creepily dress like little girls.

Tie Spy Camera – What better way to spy on your coworkers than by placing a camera discreetly in your office attire? Of course, if you work as a lifeguard, you’ll want to make sure that the tie matches your swimsuit.

Cell Phone Spy Text Reader – This device lets you read deleted text messages and review deleted numbers from any cell phone that uses a SIM card. There’s no way your girlfriend can hide her affair – or her obsession with the Justin Bieber fan line – now.

ID Card Hidden Camera – Almost every office requires employees to keep an ID badge with them at all times. So what better way to hide your spy camera then behind that unflattering photo of that kind of makes you look like a pedophile? And, since everyone from your office park eats at the same Applebee’s, you can also use it to see who’s been spitting in your Wonton Tacos.

Tissue Box Internet Camera – The camera in this tissue box streams video directly to the web for you to watch in real time. If you see someone bring a bottle of moisturizer over to the tissues, it may be time to navigate to another website.

Panning Faux Security Camera – You’re not the only person who’s paranoid. Play on your friends’ fears by just making them think that they’re being watched. Now maybe they’ll stop leaving those bags of poop on your front porch.

Electric Outlet Hidden Camera – Since it’s motion-activated, you’ll get great footage of your unattended toddler approaching the outlet immediately before sticking a fork in it.

Wireless Color Mirror Camera – As the product description so poetically puts is, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, catch that burglar once and for all.” Assuming, of course, that the burglar stops in the bathroom to put on some of your makeup. Speaking of which, you look like a clown whore when you wear all that blush.

Cell Phone Voice Changer – I’ll defer to the product description on this one: “No one will recognize your voice with The Cell Phone Voice Changer. Easily change your voice from man to woman, woman to man, a child’s voice, or even a robot–and it will sound completely real and natural.” Now you can call your ex and use that completely real and natural robot voice. She’ll be none the wiser.

Ultra Spy Hearing Ear Muffs – Hear every conversation going on around you while blending into the environment with your massive headphones with two microphones prominently attached to each ear.

Of course, what you do with this equipment is your business. Gadling in no way, shape or form condones you violating any privacy laws or statutes when spying on people. I assume you’ll be using these tools for educational purposes. Though, if I see you in the gym locker room in nothing but a tie, I’m going to punch you in the throat.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Brobdingnagian Sports Chair

by Mike Barish on

With summer in full swing, we’re all busy attending picnics, parades, baseball games and Renaissance fairs. The problem at all of those events, of course, is seating. Not just whether or not there will be a place to sit, but if that seating is deserving off housing your very important buttocks. You’re a big deal. Sitting on the grass simply is not an option for you. Using the provided seats is an insult. Bleachers? Bleachers are for average people. You’re special. You’re better than the riff raff waiting in line for corn dogs and funnel cakes. You have your corn dogs and funnel cakes delivered directly to you. You’re not part of the hoi polloi who wallow in their own peanut shell fragments. No, you’re above all that. And now you can physically be above it all. Thanks to SkyMall, you can elevate your stature and your person to show the masses that you are better than they could ever hope to be while also obstructing the view of those idiots who thought they had a right see anything. The next time you’re heading to that jousting tournament or checking out a double rainbow, be sure to pack your enormous Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.Big chairs deserve big names. Brobdingnagian is from Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels and refers to a land of giants. See, you’re learning. Now, the word is just used to describe stuff that is abnormally large. Not that there’s anything abnormal about a chair that allows your feet dangle above the ground makes you look like Edith Ann from Sesame Street. It’s perfectly acceptable to set up shop in a gigantic chair in public. It’s your right.

Think that such a large chair that blocks other people’s views is rude? Believe that a blanket on the grass is the only true way to view an outdoor event? Well, if you could stop picking ants out of your food for a minute, maybe you’d be able to read the product description:

This is the portable chair that elevates your physical stature at any outdoor event. Measuring 5-1/2′ tall, the chair is certain to provide stadium seating at any venue, and its 9′ sq. seat affords ample room for fullbody gesticulations. The lofty seat elevates feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway. The reinforced powder-coated steel frame and 400-denier rip-stop canvas support up to 400 lbs.

With nine square feet of seat space and security up to 400 pounds, you can keep those corn dogs and funnel cakes coming well into Rascal Flatts’ third encore. As for the full-body gesticulations, I suppose the chair is large enough to invite of a friend up to join you. I worry about the chafing, though.

No longer must you surround yourself with the idiots you call neighbors. Show them that they’re just peasants by kicking them with your dangling feet and dropping deep fried Oreo crumbs on their heads. You’re special. You’re somebody. You’re the owner of the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: The Drib

by Mike Barish on

An awful lot of attention is being paid these days to the dangers of texting and driving. Heck, even Oprah has a No Phone Zone pledge on her website. If Oprah’s covering it, it must be big. However, there’s a much more pressing issue facing drivers that is often overlooked. It destroys lives. It tears apart families. It creates awkward situations. I’m referring, of course, to food spills caused by driving while eating (DWE). SkyMall Monday is the only media outlet drawing attention to this critical issue. In our hectic work-a-day lives, the car is the last bastion of solitude, privacy and ambiance needed to enjoy a quality meal. Whether it’s a fast food hamburger, a shepherd’s pie or a steaming hot bowl of ramen, there’s simply no food that isn’t perfect for eating in the car. But what happens when that a-hole in front of you stops short and forces you to slam on the breaks? Your skirt steak quickly becomes steak on your skirt. You can’t go to work like that. That’s why you need to protect yourself and your loved ones who do your laundry. SkyMall understands how serious DWE is and answered America’s cry for help. From now on, when you’re considering DWE, be sure you also have The Drib.It’s not surprising that SkyMall chose to address this issue. Virtually every food that SkyMall sells is perfect for eating in the car. From cheesesteaks to wings to sausages of every variety, food just makes more sense (and tastes better) when you’re weaving through traffic on the interstate. The mix of adrenaline, drive-time radio and some cheese fondue sitting in your cup holder really lets you know that you’re alive! But, to keep your tie clean and your blouse pristine, you need to drape yourself in a lengthy bib reminiscent of the lead aprons that your dentist uses while taking x-rays.

Think you can eat a sloppy joe drip-free down Lombard Street? Believe that eating while driving is just as dangerous – if not more – than texting while driving? Well, I bet you’ve never eaten goulash in a Yugo. For you non-epicurean motorists, check out The Drib’s product description:

If you’re one of those busy people who frequently grab a quick meal or snack in the parking lot or at your desk, you know how annoying drips and spills can be. Protect your appearance (and your car’s) with The Drib. This foldable, washable, shoulder-to-knee bib was designed to be worn in the car. An absorbent fabric front and moisture-resistant back keep spills in check and large pockets on the bottom catch food spills. Shoulder weights allow for easy use without the need for awkward ties and clips. Folds into its own pocket for compact storage.

You know those times when you put on a jacket, stick your hand in the pocket and find a five dollar bill? Well, imagine putting on The Drib and finding an old turkey leg in there? Talk about a lucky day!

Sure, you could eat at home or when you get to the office, but you spend enough time with your family and your co-workers. Your car is your fortress of solitude. Your dress shirt and pleated khakis are your tights. That means you need a cape. The Drib is that cape…worn on the front…with pockets…and lots of BBQ sauce stains.

So, stop texting in the car and start masticating. That turducken isn’t going to eat itself (but it will allow you to drive in the carpool lane).

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Edge Baking Pan ACTUAL REVIEW (ft. the Garden Yeti)

by Mike Barish on

Last month we had a little poll to see which SkyMall dessert pan was the king of confections. The Edge Baking Pan won in a landslide. I’ll be the first to admit that I was skeptical about whether brownies sporting heaps of edges could be good. I like my brownies like I like my women: moist and packed with M&Ms. However, you voted and I listened. I got my hands on an Edge Baking Pan immediately and put it to the test.

Well, to be honest, my Garden Yeti, Calvin, was the real tester*. He whipped up a batch of brownies with more edges than a knife collector. And you know what? Those brownies were moist. Chewy but not tough. Moist but not loose. The best of both worlds, really. So, consider me a convert. All of my brownies will be edgy now. I’m sorry that I ever doubted the Edge Baking Pan. I guess even SkyMall experts don’t know everything.

Check out the video above to see just how a Garden Yeti gets busy with the Edge Baking Pan.

* Actually, it was my girlfriend, Jordana, who did all the baking. She’s good at that. I just manage the Garden Yeti.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

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