SkyMall Monday: Square Root Watch

by Mike Barish on

Around the country, kids are heading back to school. Lunches have been packed (hopefully with napkins carrying inspirational notes from moms with phrases such as “I’m proud of you”), notebooks are ready for doodling and detention rooms are already filling up. As another school year begins, kids everywhere are already asking their teachers, “Why do I need to know this?” and “When will I possibly have to use this information in real life?” These are valid questions. I’d love to go back in time and tell my biology teacher that I’ve never had to dissect a Garden Yeti in the SkyMall Monday headquarters. My drivers ed teacher never prepared me for piloting a Cruzin Cooler. That’s not to say that everything that kids learn in school is useless. There are plenty of concepts that are relevant in everyone’s day-to-day lives. Math, for example, is particularly relevant to a large percentage of the population. That’s why kids should be paying special attention to numbers this fall. If they want to tell time the SkyMall way, they’re going to need to be math whizzes. Forget digital; the best way to track time on your wrist is with the Square Root Watch.Your grandfather’s watch probably has a sundial on it. Your father’s watch most likely has Roman numerals. Your brother’s watch is digital, which is so 1980s. The only way to stand out now (and prove to yourself that paying attention in sixth grade math class rather than experimenting with drugs was a good decision) is to rock a watch with square roots in place of numbers. Let’s be honest here: Are square roots any more ridiculous than a completely numberless watch face?

Think that having to solve a math problem to know the time is a waste of, um, time? Were you always better at English than math? Well, you should have no problem reading the product description then:

Brainy math types will love this watch, but why should they have all the fun?

Brainy math types are currently running Google, Facebook and every other website that knows everything about you. Smart is cool now (even if Barbie struggles with math). Rather than deny it, embrace it. It beats risking Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from dishing out wedgies to all of those nerds.

Make all that time spent in drab classrooms passing juvenile notes to your friends worth it. Put your knowledge to use. Prove to your teachers that you will amount to something one day. Strap on the Square Root Watch and then check your cellphone to see what time it is.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Body Back Buddy

by Mike Barish on

Portability has been the driving force behind most technological innovations in the last few decades. Phones became mobile. Those mobile phones became smaller. Computers begat laptops which begat netbooks which could possibly become antiquated if tablets have anything to say about it. Not all tools have been made portable, though. Sadly, coat racks remain stationary devices despite the fact that our jackets exist solely to be taken places. Yet, when the time comes to take a coat off in a car, plane or any other warm/indoor place, there’s no rack on which to hang those coats.

How is this possible? How are we not taking coat racks with us to handle our removed jackets? Why are we still tying our outerwear around our waists as if we’re Joey Lawrence? Finally, we can stop asking those philosophical questions because our long nightmare is over. The coat rack has gone portable and we have SkyMall to thank for bringing this technology into the 21st century. This week, SkyMall Monday is beyond excited to feature an invention that will forever change how you hang your coats when you leave the house. Feast your eyes on the Body Back Buddy.While it may seem strange to name a portable coat rack the “Body Back Buddy,” it’s pretty logical when you think about it. I mean, you wear coats on your body so that they cover your back. Something that holds those precious coats once they’ve been removed is clearly your buddy. So, yeah, the name isn’t odd at all. It’s fantastic.

Think that a portable coat rack is an idiotic idea? Think that people should just wear their coats all the time? If that’s the case, why do they make malls so hot in the winter? Think about that while you’re reading the product description:

Our most popular design reflects years of feedback from massage therapists, chiropractors, and physical therapists. With 11 therapy knobs, the Body Back Buddy stimulates in between muscles and pinpoints trigger points for a more finely-tuned treatment.

The Body Back Buddy is engineered to be lightweight, strong and easy to use. This portable massager combines the best of the Body Back Buddy features for those who want the ultimate self massage tool.

Wait. It’s a personal massager? Then why does it look like a coat rack*? What the hell’s a therapy knob? I’m so confused.

Well, whatever this thing does, it does it well. And it’s portable. Portability is key. That’s why you need the Body Back Buddy.

* I know you’re thinking, “Mike, it looks like a dildo tree. Why didn’t you make more jokes about that?” I couldn’t disagree with you more. It looks like a dildo vine. Believe me, I wanted to write this whole post about how the Body Back Buddy is clearly a sex toy sent from the future to protect me from the other sex toys that will one day become sentient and destroy us all. Sadly, though, the last time I made SkyMall Monday that sexual, the internet threw up in the comments section. So, instead you got this coat rack post. Hope you’re happy, prudes!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Pooch Power Shovel

by Mike Barish on

You’d be hard-pressed to find a dog owner who truly enjoys picking up their pet’s poop (unless their into scat films, in which case you’d be wise to give them a wide berth). Scooping poop is demoralizing, tedious and, if done sloppily, unhygienic. One slip up and that poop goes from to the ground to your finger, to your bagel, to your lips, to your wife’s lips to the FedEx guy’s…well, you get the point. It’s a roll of the E. coli dice every time you go to fetch that feces. Plus, all that bending over and the condescending looks from your dog make you feel like a Grade A nimrod. Who wants to deal with that? As a dog owner, I know that picking up poop takes up to 45 seconds of my life everyday. Between bending down, picking it up, tying the bag and then placing the bag in the trash bin, I lose the opportunity to watch one-and-a-half television commercials. How will I know what to buy? That’s why here at SkyMall Monday headquarters, we’ve stopped bending over and dealing with crap. We’ve once again turned to SkyMall to make out lives less, well, crappy. Literally. That’s why we use the Pooch Power Shovel.As you can see from the video above, the Pooch Power Shovel does everything that your hand can do but louder and for more money. In that respect, it’s like a chatty hooker. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You can learn a lot from a chatty hooker. No longer will you have to bend over like some, um, hooker while picking up your dog’s business. You can just suck it all up like a, er, hooker. Maybe we should just read the product description:

There’s no bending, scooping or even touching. In fact, with the push-button convenience of the Pooch Power Shovel, it’s the next best thing to having someone else do the picking up for you…It doesn’t matter if you own a single Chihuahua or multiple large breed canines, the robust motor and rechargeable battery can pick up a whole yard’s worth of waste in one go.

Now, if you could get someone to do the poop scooping for you, that would be a perfect storm. Is it worth mentioning that it’s really more of a vacuum (or reverse leaf blower) than a shovel? Probably not. What about how it’s creepy when you dress kids exactly like their parents? No, we’ll gloss over that, as well. Should we discuss that kids who wear those dress shirts with white collars look like miniature Gordon Gekkos (and that’s not a good thing). Let’s just robustly move on then.

If you want to continue to pick up your dog’s poop by hand, go for it. I, however, believe that the best things in life are worth paying for. That’s why politicians and athletes love, hm, hookers. You get my point. Now get the Pooch Power Vacuum Shovel.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Brightfeet Lighted Slippers

by Mike Barish on

The SkyMall Monday headquarters can get pretty dark at night. Not just because it’s built into the side of a mountain like a Bond villain’s lair, but because we here at the home office love to sleep. We don’t enjoy it when anything disrupts our slumber. So, we keep it dark and quiet. Sometimes, however, someone has to get up in the middle of the night to tinkle, and that just causes trouble. Once lights get turned on or screams are generated by toes stubbed in the dark, everyone is awake and upset. Hurtful things are said, bedside books are thrown and another episode of COPS has all the domestic dispute footage that it needs. Thankfully, there’s now a way for people to relieve their bladders without pissing everyone off. No, not rubber sheets. Those are gross and noisy when you are making whoopie. Once again, SkyMall has answered the call of nature people with very specific problems with a logical, practical and handsome solution. Just like cars have headlights, it’s about time that we took responsibility for our own illumination. That’s why we should all keep a pair of Brightfeet Lighted Slippers next to our beds.Here at Gadling, we know a thing or two about footwear with lights. With the Brightfeed Lighted Slippers, we can finally keep our feet warm and our toes away from hazards such as end tables, doors and venomous armoires. The LED lights are weight-activated and light-sensitive, so the lights will only be turn on when you wear the slippers in the dark. Now, instead of turning on the bedroom light and waking your husband/boyfriend/one-night stand/guy you drugged for sport, you can tip-toe to the bathroom quietly and safely.

Think that people should be allowed to turn on the lights when they have to get up in the middle of the night? Think that without turning on the lights that people will urinate all over the toilet seat, floor and toothbrush holder? Well, you should stop peeing while you have an erection. You should also read the product description:

It’s like having nightlights on your feet – ideal for night time trips to the bathroom, kitchen or kid’s room.

It’s not only like having nightlights on your feet, it’s literally having nightlights on your feet. Though, I usually prefer my nightlights to look like Sesame Street characters or smell like lavender.

Waking up in the middle of the night is never fun. Waking up someone else in the middle of the night is a recipe for a fight at some ungodly hour that results in you being cranky at the office and your coworkers to suspect that there are problems at home. Then they’ll start asking if you want to go to lunch at the local Outback Steakhouse to talk and, well, that just sounds depressing. So, if you’re going to pee at 2:00am, I suggest that you do it quietly, efficiently and away from your sleeping companion(s). Get your hands (or, I suppose, feet) on some Brightfeet Lighted Slippers and start making your way to the bathroom – and through life – unimpeded.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Shoes and Furniture

by Mike Barish on

There are few things women love as much as shoes. They may love their jewelry more, but shoes make them ambulatory. They may love their husbands more, but shoes make them happier. They may love their children more, but shoes make them look sexier. In other words, women love shoes a lot. Shoes may look good while being worn, they make a home look messy and unkempt when strewn about. Sadly, when removed from the foot, shoes no longer enhance their surroundings. Rather, they detract from the environment that their owner has worked so hard to develop and maintain. As such, shoes – no matter how gorgeous or expensive – are stored in closets, under beds and in boxes. A shameful existence for such worshiped accessories. In the SkyMall Monday headquarters, however, we’ve found a way to fetishize shoes (and the appendages housed inside them) in a way that is classy, sophisticated and practical. Of course, we had some help from SkyMall. When you live with a woman, you live with a shoe lover. That’s why it makes such perfect sense that you can now decorate your home with shoe furniture.There was a time when you could just have a taxidermied human leg on your mantle. It was a handsome conversation piece that was easily obtained and showcased the beauty of the human leg and the shoes that adorn them. Sadly, those days of DIY home decoration and population control have long since passed. Now, people shop in big box stores for home decore and everyone’s houses look like the IKEA and Crate & Barrel catalogs threw up inside of them. However, now you can once again enjoy the aesthetic appeal of shoes in every room of your home without looking like you don’t know how to put away your clothing.

The SkyMall catalog has several ways to decorate your home with shoes. You’d be a fool to refrain from purchasing any of them.

Stilettos Sculptural Table – Pictured above, this is the most straight-to-the-point example of shoe furniture that SkyMall has to offer. According to the product description, the table will “kick up a little fun” with its “high-heeled style.” I’m worried, though, that this shoe may give you punions.

Babette Table – The product description says that the “seamed stockings, red garters, and strappy red heels combine to demand attention in this retro work of decorative art for home or gallery.” By retro, they mean that bygone era that was last night when you dressed like a whore and drunkenly slept with the bartender after drinking alone at TGI Friday’s. Let this table forever be a reminder that men your son’s age still find you easy sexy.

Fishnets & Heels Table – Compared to the Babette Table, this looks like a piece of Amish furniture. It says that you’re delightfully tacky, yet unrefined. Of course, you’re not the only one who feels that way about themselves.

Follies Bergere Boudoir Stool – The product description encourages you to “rest your tired gams on this whimsical, oh-so-French footstool.” I’ve been to France and I can tell you that all of the furniture there looks like this. Even better. the curtain on this stool can be lowered to hide the legs when your prudish friends come over. It’s also worth noting that the shoes on this stool appear to be exactly the same as the one from the Stilettos Sculptural Table. Never doubt my keen SkyMall eye.

Finally, we can all decorate our homes with the most beloved possessions in the world. Once you have all of these shoe tables, though, you’ll need something to rest on them. Thankfully, SkyMall has just the leg lamp for that.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.