SkyMall Monday: Voice Interactive Travel Clock

by Mike Barish on

Some people prefer their favorite radio station. Others opt for an impossible-to-ignore beeping. For some, it’s the sunlight pouring through their windows. For parents, it’s often the screams of children. Whatever wakes you up, it’s imperative that it’s at the correct time. Being late for meetings, flights or circumcisions can lead to embarrassment, fees and foreskins. But what happens when you travel and you need to be roused at a specific time? Sure, you could rely on the hotel’s alarm clock…or the alarm on your watch…or a wake-up call…or the alarm on your phone…or a call from your spouse, but who wants to take the risk of those things not working? Surely, there must be a better way to ensure that you are up and at ’em on time. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that your watches, phones and spouses are about as reliable as Tiger Woods. So, rather than leaving things to chance, they’ve come to the rescue for people with places to go, people to see and penises to snip. And that’s why SkyMall Monday is thrilled to endorse the Voice Interactive Travel Clock.Watches are stuck to your wrist and can be muffled by pillows. Phone batteries die. Wake-up calls are contingent on you knowing what to do when that ringing sound emanates from the phone. And the alarm clocks at hotels are most likely covered in semen (like everything else in your hotel room). It’s best to bring your own alarm clock that doesn’t require the use of your hands (since it, too, is probably covered in semen – like everything else in your luggage).

Think that there are plenty of alternatives for waking up that don’t require you packing your own alarm clock? Think that packing an alarm clock with standard buttons and switches would suffice and that an alarm clock that responds to voice commands is gimmicky and useless? Well, I bet all of your belongings aren’t even covered in semen. Liar. Let’s take a look at the product description:

Unlike the confounding bedside clocks found in many hotel rooms, this travel alarm clock operates by verbal commands, making it as easy to set up as a wake-up call. Its advanced speech recognition technology responds to 10 spoken commands such as “set time,” “set alarm,” and “today’s date?” with clear and accurate verbal answers.

It’s the alarm clock of the future…today! I bet it would look great next to a bowl of Dippin’ Dots. And lest you think that Gadling doesn’t know about the future of alarm clocks, we were working the voice interactive clock beat months ago.

Look, you can say that a voice activated alarm clock is a gimmick. But you can also explain to the Greenbaum family why their mohel was late to little Shlomo’s briss. I’m guessing that won’t go over so well. Best to keep your hands clean and your alarm set with the Voice Interactive Travel Clock.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Portabra Travel Bra Case

by Mike Barish on

We cover a tremendous amount of SkyMall products here at SkyMall Monday HQ, but our heart will always belong to the gear that solves the problems of women. We love women. They have nice hair. They smell good. They make our pants feel tight. That’s why we’re thrilled to address a particularly pressing lady problem this week: bra damage. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But, Mike, you’re an alpha male. A bro’s bro. What do you know about bras?” I know that I can unhook them with one hand in under three seconds. But that’s beside the point. I respect and admire all of you female travelers out there. While I’m shoving a few shirts and boxer briefs into my pack, you’re worrying out your dainty unmentionables and hoping they don’t get damaged (or stolen by pervy TSA agents). Thankfully, you no longer have to fear that your brassieres will be squished, smushed, manhandled or sniffed. Now you can sequester your knickers in a bedazzled pencil case and protect your panties from poachers. Ladies and, well, ladies, I give you the Portabra Travel Bra Case.Whether your breasts are big, small, lopsided, real, fake, pert, saggy, supple or hairy, you undoubtedly have spent more money than you’d care to discuss on some boulder holders bras. The last thing you want to find when you arrive at your destination is bent underwire and crushed can containers bra cups. You need your bras to bring their A-game to that wedding/conference/funeral/vacation so that you can look and feel sexy, sassy and sensual. Plus, where else will you keep your tissues?

Think that you can just pack your bras in a suitcase or let your Siamese twins wear them while telling the flight attendants that they’re yarmulkas? You probably also also use your panties as coffee filters. Well, sicko, maybe you should let SkyMall do your thinking for you. Just look at the product description for the Portabra.

Bringing your beloved bras with you on a trip doesn’t have to be a hassle anymore! Portabra is the new bra case designed to easily pack and protect your bras when traveling so that they don’t get crushed and ruined in your suitcase. So, say ‘so long’ to those wrinkled cups and keep looking your best throughout your travels. In addition, Portabra keeps your bras discreetly packed so they won’t be displayed to strangers’ eyes when the dreaded words, “bag check” are shouted.

With the embarrassment of wrinkled cups eliminated, you can go back to focusing all of your energy on hiding your explosive flatulence. And lord knows the TSA won’t open a tiny box sitting in your suitcase. They’re far too respectful of private property. So, problem solved!

Your bras are the backbone of your outfit. You need them to lift, separate, conceal, reveal, enhance and corral your bazooms breasts. So, don’t make them ride in the coach class of your luggage. Upgrade them to the first class cabin of the Portabra to ensure “your bras a safe and bon voyage!”

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Sling Couture Arm Sling ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

A few weeks ago, SkyMall Monday reviewed the Sling Couture Arm Sling. We were thrilled to learn that it made people feel good by making them look good. But it was such an important product and held such potential to help people who are recovering from uncomfortable injuries, that we just had to try it out for ourselves. The only problem? Well, no one at the SkyMall Monday headquarters (read: me) had a broken arm. Sure, I could strap on the sling to gauge its fit and comfort level. But, without actually having a fractured bone, it’s a challenge to understand just how useful the Sling Couture Arm Sling truly is. Enter Calvin, my Garden Yeti* who recently injured his arm in a tragic self-pleasuring incident. His misfortune is our gain, as he can now share his thoughts on the Sling Couture Arm Sling firsthand.Calvin was quite impressed with how durable the sling is. It’s well-made, fully adjustable and able to withstand the active lifestyle of an cosmopolitan Garden Yeti. As you can see from the photo above, Calvin attends many formal functions. Dressing down is simply not an option. The Sling Couture Arm Sling allowed Calvin to look the part of debonair lawn ornament at cocktail parties, debutant balls and Quinceañeras.

The padded straps and sling provided Calvin with the comfort he needed to ignore his injury and focus on impressing the other party guests with his witty anecdotes. While his arm was throbbing and the pain was difficult to manage, the Sling Couture Arm Sling kept him looking calm, cool and collected. Traditional slings look clinical and simply remind you that you’re still not back to 100%. The Sling Couture Arm Sling had Calvin feeling confident and sexy. For a medical product to bring a wounded Garden Yeti such confidence is a tribute to the magic of sequins.

You wouldn’t expect a strong, aggressive Garden Yeti to welcome sequins into his lifestyle. But Calvin is comfortable with his sexuality and appreciates the attention that the sequins garner him. He knows that he wouldn’t receive all the coy smiles, flirtatious winks and, most importantly, phone numbers, if it wasn’t for his disarming eyes and sparkly sling. He’s even considered continuing to wear the sling after he is completely recovered just for the advantage it gives him with the fairer sex.

Overall, Calvin recommends the Sling Couture Arm Sling. At $40, it may be the cheapest medical product that you ever purchase and is a small price to pay to help you both make light of your injury and continue to live your elegant lifestyle. Pills may make you feel numb and time may heal all wounds, but the Sling Couture Arm Sling makes even the gruffest Garden Yeti look like a million bucks.

* Full review of the Big Foot Garden Yeti to come in the near future.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Smittens

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall is nothing if not an unabashed supporter of love. We’ve covered their romantically practical Double Umbrella in the past. But since we wrote about that that firm love device, the catalog has stopped carrying it (heresy!). How are lovers supposed to proclaim their feelings to the world through SkyMall products without a Double Umbrella? Well, SkyMall Monday is pleased to announce that there is a new product that you and your lover can use to nauseate the world. It also gives me an excuse to use the word ‘lover’ as many times as possible. I’m not talking about the Siamese Slanket, which is as inconvenient as it is dangerous. I mean, what happens when one of you farts? It’s the Dutchiest of ovens! No, I’m referring to a product far more romantic than that. Not only will lovers be able to show the world their commitment to one another, they will also be able to keep no less than one hand each warm and toasty. That’s because, from now on, when lovers hold hands and stroll through a park, they’ll be able to do so with their entangled hands ensconced in a shared hand garment. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and lovers, feast your eyes on Smittens.We’ve all held hands with someone before (right?). It’s clammy, confusing (should we interlock our fingers?) and dangerous without protection. Now, we can cover our hands while still proclaiming our purest of intentions for that special someone. Sure, it will be hard to dodge people on the sidewalk and, should you choose to go on opposite directions, there’s serious potential for dislocated shoulders, but those are mere trifles that love can surely overcome.

Don’t think that lovers should be attached at the hand? Are you more of a glove man? I bet you do that gross finger on the palm thing when you shake someone’s hand, perv. This is the future of love and only SkyMall truly understands that:

Now you can stay warmer and closer to a loved one by holding hands inside a single oversized mitten! Perfect for romantic walks or watching sports together on a cold day. One set of Smittens includes one Smitten, one larger mitten and one smaller mitten. One size fits most.

Ah yes, men love going to sporting events and showing the world how romantic they are. If only they made foam fingers for two. And, since no one loves big-handed women, there’s clearly no need to include two larger mittens. No, I’m sure only petite women will be able to convince their larger, whipped sensitive boyfriends to share a Smitten with them.

Love is a many-splendored thing (I just made that up). But it’s also a one Smittened thing. Put your gloves, mittens and cuffs away. They are soulless devices devoid of love and feeling. If you can share your heart with someone, you can share your Smitten. That’s what lovers do.

More Smitten awfulness goodness can be found on the company’s official website that was clearly built by someone with a still active GeoCities account.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: SkyMall Kitties

by Mike Barish on


We’ve covered a lot of SkyMall contraptions here at Gadling. And, while many of those products have improved the lives of our furry friends, we’ve never been able to truly capture the essence of SkyMall’s relationship with animals. Now, however, the video above does that for us. SkyMall Kitties, created by Nina Katchadourian, is the best use of the internet ever.

It’s rare that we encounter someone who loves SkyMall as much as we do. But this week, SkyMall Monday is honored, excited and a wee bit giddy to profile not a product, but a person whose singular passion has enriched our lives. Nina, an artist based in Brooklyn, NY, produced the song and video that pay tribute to the cats of SkyMall. Needless to say, she has a place at the SkyMall Monday table anytime she chooses to join us.

And join us she did, for an exclusive interview. You’ve seen the video on other sites, but only Gadling spoke with Nina about SkyMall Kitties, her favorite SkyMall products and the unheard voices of SkyMall Puppies.How does one become inspired to write a song about the kittens of SkyMall?
First, you develop a compulsive travel habit, almost superstitious in character, which dictates that you have to flip through every single page of the SkyMall catalog each time you get on a plane. Second, you have to wind up on a lot of planes as part of your profession, which I do-I’m a visual artist, and I travel quite a bit for exhibitions and lectures.

Have you always been a fan of the catalog?
“Fan” might not be quite the right word. “Stalker” might be more accurate. I’ve been taking issues from the seat pocket in front of me for nearly a decade.

You’re amongst friends now. We share your compulsion. But, what do you actually do for a living?
I lead a few different lives. First and foremost, I’m a visual artist working in a lot of different media, including photography, sculpture, sound and video. I also lead a sort of sub-life playing music and play in a band called The Wingdale Community Singers based in Brooklyn. I also work part-time running a program for emerging artists called The Viewing Program at a great museum called The Drawing Center in New York.

The video is obviously very pro-cat. Do you own any felines?
Three of them, in fact: Sardine, Stickies, and Minimus, who appear in that order in the “Mount Rushmore” sequence of “Sky Mall Kitties.” The fourth cat on Mount Rushmore is Ellington, who belongs to a friend.

You’re shameless with your cat plugs. More importantly, do you own any SkyMall products?
Can’t say I do, although for a long time I’ve coveted that wedge thing that lets you lie down without having to smush your face into the floor when someone gives you a back rub. [Author’s Note: Nina is referring to the SkyRest Travel Pillow, which SkyMall Monday has covered in the past and I continue to test regularly.]

So is that your favorite SkyMall product?
I can’t really pick one product, but my favorite product image is probably the one of the guy slumped onto the inflatable pillow on his tray table [Author’s Note: She’s referring to the SkyRest Travel Pillow again and that’s pretty awesome.]. It looks so ridiculous, yet every time I’m on a long flight I secretly wish I had one, no matter how dumb it looks. I am also in mourning over a picture that doesn’t appear the same way it used to. It advertises a product that allows you to connect two beds in order to make one big bed. [Author’s Note: She’s now referring to the very awesome Create-a-King Bed Doubler.] They still have the picture, but they changed the caption. The caption used to read, “Together forever…or only for one night.” It was so romantic.

Let’s go back to the song and video. Do you feel bad for saying that one of the dogs looks like a seal?
Absolutely not. That is a factual statement, so I am cold-blooded about it: that dog DOES look like a seal. Nothing wrong with seals. Nothing wrong with dogs, either, I should say; the condescending anti-dog viewpoint of SkyMall Kitties reflects the views of the SkyMall Kitties themselves, not those of the maker of the song or video.

Speaking of dogs, will there be a SkyMall Puppies response?
I am crossing my fingers someone takes that up.

If people take away one important lesson from SkyMall Kitties, what would you most like them to learn?
I’d like people to realize that even when you are incredibly bored on an airplane, you can put that time into making something that can make a lot of people happy for just a few moments. Lots of “wasted time” can be an opportunity to pull from the mundane world around you and extract something of interest or value.

At the end of the day, do you believe that the SkyMall Kitties are happy?
We raise our voices and celebrate them in joyful song, but the SkyMall Kitties are actually a bit bored, disgruntled, and disdainful of those around them, like someone who has been on a long flight and is ready to land.

Very special thanks to Nina Katchadourian for producing SkyMall Kitties and for taking the time to talk to Gadling. Nina has made the song available for download here (for a $1 fee – totally worth it). You can learn more about Nina on her website. Thanks, as well, to Matt Gross, The New York Times’ Frugal Traveler, who alerted us to SkyMall Kitties via Twitter. If you’re a Twitter user, you can and should follow @frugaltraveler. Hat tip to The Awl, who appear to have posted the video before anyone else.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.