SkyMall Monday: Cane Sword

by Mike Barish on

The reason we love SkyMall as much as we do is because they keep it simple. Whether it’s the Garden Yeti, Cat Toilet Training System or Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder, the products sold in SkyMall never try to out-think anyone. They simply address problems that we never knew we had until SkyMall solved them. If there’s one thing I hate when it comes to gadgets, it’s when they are made complicated purely to show off bells and whistles. Who needs extraneous buttons, lights, levers, switches, wheels, cords and doodads? At the end of the day, I need a product to do what it is designed to do. So, when it comes to both supporting my body weight and defending myself against charlatans and men of ill-repute, I need a device that will do those two things and do them well. I can’t be burdened with two separate tools that will weigh me down, occupy both of my hands and slow my reaction times. That’s why I was thrilled to see that SkyMall was prepared for me to be limping and under attack. This week, SkyMall Monday wields an accessory that is functional, handsome and deadly. We’re brandishing the Cane Sword.What’s a Cane Sword? It’s a cane with a sword inside. Wasn’t that obvious? If it was a Sword Cane, it would be a sword with a cane inside. But what the hell purpose would that serve? SkyMall isn’t in the business of making baffling, useless products. That’s why the Sword Cane doesn’t exist. But Cane Sword? Yeah, that’s just the kind of logical, practical and soon-to-be ubiquitous product that every American with mobility issues and an arch-nemesis will soon own.

Think that canes should just be canes and that swords have no place in public? I bet you think that umbrellas don’t need flashlights and collar stays don’t need hidden messages. Are you carrying around a cane, sword, umbrella, flashlight, collar stays and a note pad everywhere you go? You must have a huge bag, an assistant or be Vishnu. Since you don’t believe in simplicity, let the official SkyMall product description break it down for you:

39 inches in length. Die cast handle. Stainless steel blade.

Need that broken down any further? It’s more than three-feet-long, has a solid handle and a blade that does the job when the shit hits the…well…blade. It doesn’t taken a rocket scientist to figure out what we’re talking about here. It’s a Cane Sword. And that’s what we want it to be.

Forget about wheelchairs with cannons and walkers with lasers. They’re impractical, expensive and fictional. The Cane Sword exists, does what it’s meant to do and does it well. It’s simple, really.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Slug Trap

by Mike Barish on

This is the time of year when we all stop focusing on which sweatpants are most comfortable for when we’re watching TV and begin thinking about tending to our gardens. Am I right or am I right? From flowers to herbs to fruits and vegetables, it’s time for us all to thaw out our green thumbs. Those tomatoes aren’t going to grow upside down by themselves.

As we all look at our neglected patches of grass and soil, barren and ravaged from another long winter, we must develop solid plans for rejuvenation. In the past, SkyMall Monday taught you how to fend off one villain of the gardener with the Solar Powered Mole Repeller. Today, however, we direct our attention to an even more dastardly scourge of the backyard: slugs.

Slugs have wreaked havoc on human gardens since the dawn of time.* Don’t let their speed (or lack thereof) fool you. Slowly, methodically and with blatant disregard for all that we hold dear, slugs destroy gardens for no other reason than they just find destruction so erotically thrilling.** But how can one lowly gardener battle such an epic beast? For those of us who have tried to defeat slugs with traditional methods such as guerrilla warfare, trade embargoes and verbal abuse, we know that they are resilient. Thankfully, I’ve called in reinforcements. Leave it to SkyMall to finally figure out how to defeat our slug overlords. This week, we’re unleashing the Slug Trap.Slugs may be slow, but they are crafty. They lure you into a false sense of security and then strike when you least expect it. After a summer rain, you will often see slugs scattered around your yard seemingly overcome by the deluge. However, they are simply absorbing the Earth’s life force through the water.*** Strengthened and emboldened, the slugs unleash fire and brimstone on your flowers and crops. This is not only disheartening, it is life-threatening. For those of us New York City residents who rely on our gardens to sustain us through the long winter months, a slug attack in the summer can mean starvation for our elderly and children come winter.

Think that slugs can just be stepped on or ignored? Think that some salt will solve your problems? I bet you never had to stare a slug in the eye and wait until he blinked first. But, I’ll humor you (not that there is anything funny about slugs in your garden). Let’s take a look at the product description:

Slugs and snails can do a lot of damage in your garden, so use this charming slug trap to stop them in their tracks. No chemicals needed — simply bury the stem of the resin mushroom slug trap into the ground and add a few tablespoons of sugar water or your favorite beer to the tray inside. Instead of chewing on your plants, these destructive pests will be lured inside the slug trap where they’ll meet their end out of sight.

Beer is supposed to make you stronger, wittier and more attractive. The fact that beer kills slugs is proof that they are evil incarnate. And when evil incarnate is finally vanquished by beer and/or sugar water, it is best that they expire out of sight. Since slugs have no souls, their carcasses can turn humans to stone.****

Look, if you think you’re so smart, you can ignore the slug occupation and stand idly by as they destroy your garden, steal your wife and eat your children. But don’t come knocking on my slug shelter when your garden is overrun by those slimy angels of death. You’re on your own, buddy. I’m going to defend myself with the Slug Trap.

* Mike Barish does not employ a fact checker.
** Mike Barish has a wild imagination.
*** Mike Barish was never much of a biology expert.
**** Mike Barish may have dementia.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Underwater Pogo Stick

by Mike Barish on

Spring is in the air and thoughts of warm weather, outdoor activities and water sports (not that kind of water sports, sicko) are starting to dance through our heads here at SkyMall Monday headquarters. Nothing beats frolicking in the ocean, lounging in a jacuzzi or enjoying fun and games in a pool. I’ve always been a fan of playing volleyball, basketball and freeze tag in the pool. Taking games played outside of the pool and dipping them in the water just makes everything more fun (See Floating Blackjack). If I could, I’d play UNO, Twister and Spin the Bottle in the pool. But some games just weren’t made to be played underwater. Knowing the difference between dry games and moist games is the key to avoiding painful friction between you and your partner. Games involving bouncing and bumping require moisture. And that’s why one classic game is screaming for us to just add water. Leave it to SkyMall to know when the time is right to get wet and wild by giving us the Underwater Pogo Stick.The problem with pogo sticking has always been the potential castration fear of falling. I’m all for hipping and hopping, but I’m less thrilled by the prospect of tripping and flopping. By bringing the pogo stick into the pool, the threat of broken bones and concussions has been replaced by the chance of drowning. And drowning is a much cooler way to die. If you’re going to die on a pogo stick, you best do so in a way that gets you featured on the front page of the newspaper and not on page F26. No one cares about F26.

I know what you’re thinking. “But, Mike, a pogo stick in the pool? That’s preposterous! Why not a Pogo Ball or a Sit ‘n Spin?” Well, first of all, Pogo Balls are too small for our adult asses. I’m not sure if you’ve looked in the mirror lately, but you’re not a kid anymore. Second of all, Sit ‘n Spin has always been an inappropriate name for a toy. Why not just name it Flippin’ Ya Off? But, since you insist on having the idea of pogo sticking in the water explained, I’ll indulge you. Let’s read the product description together, shall we?

This is the only pogo stick designed for use in swimming pools that allows you to perform a variety of waterborne stunts as you bounce off walls or bottoms. A rigid ball filled with water fits into the non-slip footrest, providing responsive push-off when compressed against a pool’s floor with your body weight, and enables you to splash effortlessly in shallower water and bound powerfully through deeper water.

Before anything can get wet, you must always start with a rigid ball (or two). When things get deeper, you need to be able to bound powerfully.

Everything is better when it’s wetter, so it’s about time we started moistening up our lives. Get bouncing, get jumping and, most importantly, get lubricated. Get the Underwater Pogo Stick.


Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall & Southwest Airlines want to send you to Florida

by Mike Barish on

We’re not shy about our love of SkyMall here at Gadling. And our favorite in-flight catalog has a history of partnering with the Dallas-based Southwest Airlines. But this time around, instead of giving away Garden Yetis, the two travel pals are teaming up to send a couple of lucky winners on a trip for two to Panana City Beach, Florida.

If you purchase anything from SkyMall between now and June 30, 2010, you will automatically be entered to win two tickets on Southwest Airlines to Panama City Beach, FL, three nights of deluxe hotel accommodations, a four-day car rental, tickets to a “marine theme park” (which we can only assume is Gulf World Marine Park, but the contest rules don’t specify) with a dolphin swimming experience and one Instant Sun Shelter from SkyMall.

Not interested in buying your children any star-shaped apparel but still want to enter the contest? No purchase is necessary, so you can enter simply by completing the form here.

You may still be Yeti-less if you win this contest, but at least you’ll be made in the shade with a pretty sweet getaway. Enter now and, if you do purchase anything from SkyMall, let us know what you ordered in the comments below.

SkyMall Monday: Garden Yeti ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

There are a few products that have become synonymous with the absurdity of the SkyMall catalog (not that I find any of it absurd – only naïve malcontents believe that). In that pantheon, you’ll find the SkyRest Travel Pillow, the Wine Glass Holder Necklace and the Garden Yeti, to name a few. Having reviewed the first two examples, I can say firsthand that these products deserve our respect and their inventors merit admiration. But, it always irked me that I had yet to review the Garden Yeti. As if it was a mythical figure, I had experienced Garden Yeti sightings when perusing the catalog, but never experienced seeing one in the wild (until, that is, one Slanket-fueled evening). Finally, however, I got my hands on a Garden Yeti of my own. I even shared the good news in a very special birth announcement and featured him in our SkyMall Monday review of the Sling Couture Arm Sling. Now, after having spent some time with the Garden Yeti, I’m prepared to deliver this official SkyMall Monday review. What’s it like introducing a Garden Yeti into your life? It’s way more fun than you might think.

%Gallery-90986%The Garden Yeti may be called a statue, but it’s more interactive than your run of the mill lawn ornament. While most Garden Yeti parents (you do not own a Garden Yeti – you raise it) simply leave their Garden Yeti in the, well, um, garden, that is not the proper way to care for these creatures. You see, the Garden Yeti sold in the SkyMall catalog is not, in fact, a miniature Garden Yeti. No, my friends, this two-and-a-half-feet tall gentle beast is actually an infant Garden Yeti. Having spent time with this missing link, I would venture to guess that he is no more than three-years-old.

Once I discovered that the Garden Yeti was just a child, I quickly learned how to connect with him. Now, we watch Yo Gabba Gabba!, eat lots of hot dogs and enjoy trips to the park. And, it was at the park that I was able to truly experience Garden Yeti parenthood it all its righteous splendor.

My Garden Yeti, Calvin, simply adores the park. He sits on the big boy swing and holds on tightly while I push him. “Higher, higher,” he yells. Well, that’s according to the young girl who watched us playing on the swings. Her friend insisted that wooden Garden Yetis can’t talk and that the first girl was simply “making that up.” It’s sad when you meet a three-year-old who’s dead inside. She made Calvin cry.

Garden Yetis love slides (exclusive Gadling fact). They also enjoy the fireman’s pole (though Calvin likes when I hold him so that he doesn’t fall). On the playground, Garden Yetis let loose, build self-confidence and make new friends.

Young Garden Yetis never get bored of playing catch. They almost always catch the ball perfectly in stride. They keep their eyes on the ball and never drop a pass. While my Garden Yeti is nearly 20 years away from pursuing a career in the NFL, I have already retained a team of attorneys to look into the league’s collective bargaining agreement to ensure that Garden Yetis are eligible to be drafted. While Garden Yetis are known for their big feet, it’s their soft hands that make them truly extraordinary.

Garden Yetis are also great with dogs. As the missing link, Garden Yetis are attuned to the feelings of both humans and animals. Calvin gets along swimmingly with my dog, Heath. They enjoy long walks together. And, as Calvin gets more mature, he has even begun to walk Heath on his own. Indeed, Garden Yetis are perfect additions to any family.

So, does the Garden Yeti deserve its place SkyMall lore? Without a doubt, yes. Garden Yetis make houses homes. They make families complete. And they make trips to the park the best memories of your life. Please, find it in your heart to adopt a garden Yeti. Twelve pounds of love are only a few clicks away.

Photos by Jordana Lapidus.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.