SkyMall Monday: Wine Glass Holder Necklace ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

When we last profiled the Wine Glass Holder Necklace, it was way back in May 25, 2009. Times were simpler then. Our movies were in 2D and Michael Jackson was alive but mostly ignored by people who would later profess to be obsessed with him. I miss those halcyon days of yore. That’s why I purchased the Wine Glass Holder Necklaces from SkyMall. Produced by the fine people at Wine Enthusiast, the Wine Glass Holder Necklace allow you to carry your glass of wine whilst eating, shaking hands and engaging in general party attendance. Just like in the old days. To put the lanyards to the test, I left the SkyMall Monday headquarters and brought them with me to my girlfriend’s cousin’s wedding in Boston. What did we learn? Plenty. Or nothing. It’s hard to say. We drank a lot of wine. Anyway, let’s take a closer look.

%Gallery-89118%I’m not much of a jewelry man. Gold chains and extraneous rings just make men look like gigolos or owners of laundromats. But the Wine Glass Holder Necklace is functional. My girlfriend, Jordana, sauntered around the party with her glass of white wine secured comfortably below her bosom. I shuffled around slightly less confidently with my glass of red wine nestle against my man chest.

Perhaps if I was a model with a perfectly straight gait, I would have been less neurotic about having such a stain-causing liquid so close to my tie. But I was never able to fully relax and just bust a move. As long as that red wine was hanging from my neck like Andy Rooney’s jowls, I was never able to drop it like it was anything more than tepid.

This paranoia led me to never fill my wine glass more than halfway. Which meant more trips to the bar. Which meant more judgmental looks from my girlfriend’s parents. However, both Jordana and I were able to stuff our faces at the buffet without fear of dropping our forks, brie or forkfuls of brie. In that respect, the Wine Glass Necklace served with honor. With our hands free, our mouths were full. We were able to shake hands with the wedding party while maintaining a death grip on our plates. And, perhaps most importantly, we could high five when the desserts were brought out.

Was it difficult to dance with wine glasses around our necks? Yes. Would I recommend the Wine Glass Holder Necklace for any event that features a limbo competition? Heck no. Can you remove red wine stains from silk? I sure hope so.

At the end of the day, it takes a lot of confidence to wear your wine glass around your neck. You have to trust that you won’t spill on yourself. You have to trust that strangers won’t think you’re insane. And you have to trust that your girlfriend’s parents respect you for reviewing SkyMall products. But if you have that trust, then you’ll have two free hands and a glass of wine. And that, my friends, used to mean something. Back in the good old days.

I give the Wine Glass Holder Necklace two thumbs up. Because I can. Because both of my hands are free. [Author’s note: I stole that line from my girlfriend but I gave her a Wine Glass Holder Necklace so I consider us even.]

Check out our gallery of Wine Glass Holder Necklace pictures above or by clicking here.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Voice Interactive Travel Clock

by Mike Barish on

Some people prefer their favorite radio station. Others opt for an impossible-to-ignore beeping. For some, it’s the sunlight pouring through their windows. For parents, it’s often the screams of children. Whatever wakes you up, it’s imperative that it’s at the correct time. Being late for meetings, flights or circumcisions can lead to embarrassment, fees and foreskins. But what happens when you travel and you need to be roused at a specific time? Sure, you could rely on the hotel’s alarm clock…or the alarm on your watch…or a wake-up call…or the alarm on your phone…or a call from your spouse, but who wants to take the risk of those things not working? Surely, there must be a better way to ensure that you are up and at ’em on time. Thankfully, SkyMall knows that your watches, phones and spouses are about as reliable as Tiger Woods. So, rather than leaving things to chance, they’ve come to the rescue for people with places to go, people to see and penises to snip. And that’s why SkyMall Monday is thrilled to endorse the Voice Interactive Travel Clock.Watches are stuck to your wrist and can be muffled by pillows. Phone batteries die. Wake-up calls are contingent on you knowing what to do when that ringing sound emanates from the phone. And the alarm clocks at hotels are most likely covered in semen (like everything else in your hotel room). It’s best to bring your own alarm clock that doesn’t require the use of your hands (since it, too, is probably covered in semen – like everything else in your luggage).

Think that there are plenty of alternatives for waking up that don’t require you packing your own alarm clock? Think that packing an alarm clock with standard buttons and switches would suffice and that an alarm clock that responds to voice commands is gimmicky and useless? Well, I bet all of your belongings aren’t even covered in semen. Liar. Let’s take a look at the product description:

Unlike the confounding bedside clocks found in many hotel rooms, this travel alarm clock operates by verbal commands, making it as easy to set up as a wake-up call. Its advanced speech recognition technology responds to 10 spoken commands such as “set time,” “set alarm,” and “today’s date?” with clear and accurate verbal answers.

It’s the alarm clock of the future…today! I bet it would look great next to a bowl of Dippin’ Dots. And lest you think that Gadling doesn’t know about the future of alarm clocks, we were working the voice interactive clock beat months ago.

Look, you can say that a voice activated alarm clock is a gimmick. But you can also explain to the Greenbaum family why their mohel was late to little Shlomo’s briss. I’m guessing that won’t go over so well. Best to keep your hands clean and your alarm set with the Voice Interactive Travel Clock.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Portabra Travel Bra Case

by Mike Barish on

We cover a tremendous amount of SkyMall products here at SkyMall Monday HQ, but our heart will always belong to the gear that solves the problems of women. We love women. They have nice hair. They smell good. They make our pants feel tight. That’s why we’re thrilled to address a particularly pressing lady problem this week: bra damage. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But, Mike, you’re an alpha male. A bro’s bro. What do you know about bras?” I know that I can unhook them with one hand in under three seconds. But that’s beside the point. I respect and admire all of you female travelers out there. While I’m shoving a few shirts and boxer briefs into my pack, you’re worrying out your dainty unmentionables and hoping they don’t get damaged (or stolen by pervy TSA agents). Thankfully, you no longer have to fear that your brassieres will be squished, smushed, manhandled or sniffed. Now you can sequester your knickers in a bedazzled pencil case and protect your panties from poachers. Ladies and, well, ladies, I give you the Portabra Travel Bra Case.Whether your breasts are big, small, lopsided, real, fake, pert, saggy, supple or hairy, you undoubtedly have spent more money than you’d care to discuss on some boulder holders bras. The last thing you want to find when you arrive at your destination is bent underwire and crushed can containers bra cups. You need your bras to bring their A-game to that wedding/conference/funeral/vacation so that you can look and feel sexy, sassy and sensual. Plus, where else will you keep your tissues?

Think that you can just pack your bras in a suitcase or let your Siamese twins wear them while telling the flight attendants that they’re yarmulkas? You probably also also use your panties as coffee filters. Well, sicko, maybe you should let SkyMall do your thinking for you. Just look at the product description for the Portabra.

Bringing your beloved bras with you on a trip doesn’t have to be a hassle anymore! Portabra is the new bra case designed to easily pack and protect your bras when traveling so that they don’t get crushed and ruined in your suitcase. So, say ‘so long’ to those wrinkled cups and keep looking your best throughout your travels. In addition, Portabra keeps your bras discreetly packed so they won’t be displayed to strangers’ eyes when the dreaded words, “bag check” are shouted.

With the embarrassment of wrinkled cups eliminated, you can go back to focusing all of your energy on hiding your explosive flatulence. And lord knows the TSA won’t open a tiny box sitting in your suitcase. They’re far too respectful of private property. So, problem solved!

Your bras are the backbone of your outfit. You need them to lift, separate, conceal, reveal, enhance and corral your bazooms breasts. So, don’t make them ride in the coach class of your luggage. Upgrade them to the first class cabin of the Portabra to ensure “your bras a safe and bon voyage!”

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Sling Couture Arm Sling ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on

A few weeks ago, SkyMall Monday reviewed the Sling Couture Arm Sling. We were thrilled to learn that it made people feel good by making them look good. But it was such an important product and held such potential to help people who are recovering from uncomfortable injuries, that we just had to try it out for ourselves. The only problem? Well, no one at the SkyMall Monday headquarters (read: me) had a broken arm. Sure, I could strap on the sling to gauge its fit and comfort level. But, without actually having a fractured bone, it’s a challenge to understand just how useful the Sling Couture Arm Sling truly is. Enter Calvin, my Garden Yeti* who recently injured his arm in a tragic self-pleasuring incident. His misfortune is our gain, as he can now share his thoughts on the Sling Couture Arm Sling firsthand.Calvin was quite impressed with how durable the sling is. It’s well-made, fully adjustable and able to withstand the active lifestyle of an cosmopolitan Garden Yeti. As you can see from the photo above, Calvin attends many formal functions. Dressing down is simply not an option. The Sling Couture Arm Sling allowed Calvin to look the part of debonair lawn ornament at cocktail parties, debutant balls and Quinceañeras.

The padded straps and sling provided Calvin with the comfort he needed to ignore his injury and focus on impressing the other party guests with his witty anecdotes. While his arm was throbbing and the pain was difficult to manage, the Sling Couture Arm Sling kept him looking calm, cool and collected. Traditional slings look clinical and simply remind you that you’re still not back to 100%. The Sling Couture Arm Sling had Calvin feeling confident and sexy. For a medical product to bring a wounded Garden Yeti such confidence is a tribute to the magic of sequins.

You wouldn’t expect a strong, aggressive Garden Yeti to welcome sequins into his lifestyle. But Calvin is comfortable with his sexuality and appreciates the attention that the sequins garner him. He knows that he wouldn’t receive all the coy smiles, flirtatious winks and, most importantly, phone numbers, if it wasn’t for his disarming eyes and sparkly sling. He’s even considered continuing to wear the sling after he is completely recovered just for the advantage it gives him with the fairer sex.

Overall, Calvin recommends the Sling Couture Arm Sling. At $40, it may be the cheapest medical product that you ever purchase and is a small price to pay to help you both make light of your injury and continue to live your elegant lifestyle. Pills may make you feel numb and time may heal all wounds, but the Sling Couture Arm Sling makes even the gruffest Garden Yeti look like a million bucks.

* Full review of the Big Foot Garden Yeti to come in the near future.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Smittens

by Mike Barish on

SkyMall is nothing if not an unabashed supporter of love. We’ve covered their romantically practical Double Umbrella in the past. But since we wrote about that that firm love device, the catalog has stopped carrying it (heresy!). How are lovers supposed to proclaim their feelings to the world through SkyMall products without a Double Umbrella? Well, SkyMall Monday is pleased to announce that there is a new product that you and your lover can use to nauseate the world. It also gives me an excuse to use the word ‘lover’ as many times as possible. I’m not talking about the Siamese Slanket, which is as inconvenient as it is dangerous. I mean, what happens when one of you farts? It’s the Dutchiest of ovens! No, I’m referring to a product far more romantic than that. Not only will lovers be able to show the world their commitment to one another, they will also be able to keep no less than one hand each warm and toasty. That’s because, from now on, when lovers hold hands and stroll through a park, they’ll be able to do so with their entangled hands ensconced in a shared hand garment. Ladies and gentlemen, friends and lovers, feast your eyes on Smittens.We’ve all held hands with someone before (right?). It’s clammy, confusing (should we interlock our fingers?) and dangerous without protection. Now, we can cover our hands while still proclaiming our purest of intentions for that special someone. Sure, it will be hard to dodge people on the sidewalk and, should you choose to go on opposite directions, there’s serious potential for dislocated shoulders, but those are mere trifles that love can surely overcome.

Don’t think that lovers should be attached at the hand? Are you more of a glove man? I bet you do that gross finger on the palm thing when you shake someone’s hand, perv. This is the future of love and only SkyMall truly understands that:

Now you can stay warmer and closer to a loved one by holding hands inside a single oversized mitten! Perfect for romantic walks or watching sports together on a cold day. One set of Smittens includes one Smitten, one larger mitten and one smaller mitten. One size fits most.

Ah yes, men love going to sporting events and showing the world how romantic they are. If only they made foam fingers for two. And, since no one loves big-handed women, there’s clearly no need to include two larger mittens. No, I’m sure only petite women will be able to convince their larger, whipped sensitive boyfriends to share a Smitten with them.

Love is a many-splendored thing (I just made that up). But it’s also a one Smittened thing. Put your gloves, mittens and cuffs away. They are soulless devices devoid of love and feeling. If you can share your heart with someone, you can share your Smitten. That’s what lovers do.

More Smitten awfulness goodness can be found on the company’s official website that was clearly built by someone with a still active GeoCities account.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.