SkyMall Monday: A Cornucopia of Foods

by Mike Barish on

Writing about SkyMall products can generate a real man-sized hunger. Living in New York, I’m surrounded by culinary options from around the globe. I can easily walk from the the SkyMall Monday Headquarters to any number of restaurants specializing in the cuisines of Thailand, Nepal, Italy, Afghanistan, Turkey and Canada (yes, Canada), just to name a few. But sometimes I want to experience the flavors of the world without leaving home. Sure, I could have those restaurants deliver, but I want credit for cooking these meals. And by cooking, I mean constructing and heating up meals that one can only hope freeze, travel and defrost well. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that you don’t need to travel to experience the food of other cultures. Quite frankly, it makes more sense to let the food do the traveling while I stay put. Food doesn’t have to get patted down at the airport or deal with the chatty guy in seat 13F who smells like farts and disappointment. When food comes to you, it makes you more special than the meal. Because you were the one worth visiting. So, what myriad treats can SkyMall deliver to your door? I hope you’re hungry, because I’m going to be putting a heaping helping into your mouth today.Famous Fast Food Bundle (Pictured above) – Containing a Vienna Beef Hot Dog Kit, Original Philly Cheesesteak Co. Kit and Anchor Bar Buffalo wings, this all-in-one party-in-a-box comes with the fixings for 16 Chicago-style hot dogs, six Philly cheesesteaks and two pounds of Buffalo wings. Invite your best girl over for an intimate evening and be sure to contact your lawyer to get your affairs in order before ingesting all that brain food.

Sausage Lovers Bundle – Here’s what you do: Invite over each and every one of your best bros. All the fellas from the gym. The lads from the office. The guys from your cuddle parties. Gather ’em all up and then unfurl your Sausage Lovers Bundle on their asses! They won’t know what hit the backs of their throats as they take in those two pounds of Vienna Beef Polish sausage, 2.25 pounds of Usinger’s Cooked Brats and eight ounces of Vienna Beef Frankwurts. It will no doubt be the hottest, juicest and zestiest sausage party that those men have ever attended. Your party, like the frankwurts, will be “enormous!” And remember, pack plenty of condiments, because while the “natural hog casing gives it a distinctive snap,” it’s up to you to give it a protective wrap.

Johnnie’s Pastrami Dip – Typically, I like my pastrami to be made by someone named Morty or Schlomo, but only Johnnie can turn this delightful meat into something so classy. Because all it takes is “one bite of the pastrami and you know this is real fine dining.” Tablecloth, butler and silver platter not included.

Angelina’s Crab Cakes – “One bite identifies the meat as 100% domestic blue crab, the exclusive, expensive variety that’s worth every succulent nibble.” Because when you have to be told about an items exclusivity and price, you know it’s classy. Just ask the Real Housewives of [insert name of any city that has been featured on that show].

Fruitasia – Easier to navigate than its cousin Southeast Asia and significantly more delicious than it’s sibling, euthanasia, Fruitasia is a treat for all of your senses. “A feast of flavors and sweet nectars – 16 pieces of fruit in all – this selection offers harvest-fresh morsels from every corner of the grove. Equally opulent is its dramatic presentation, making it irresistible to lavish on someone special.” That’s a grandiose way of saying that it’s a basket with three kinds of pears, two kinds of apples and some navel oranges.

Rocky Mountain Chocolates – Perhaps no region is more world-renowned for its confections than the American West.

I could go on, but, well, I’m starving. Check out all 50 food items offered in the SkyMall catalog when you have some time. Assuming you don’t eat any of them, it will be a great use of your time.

As for me, I have to get the invites out for my upcoming Presidents Day Sausage Party. They’ll be delivered in shipping tubes. I hope to see you there.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Headache Relieving Wrap

by Mike Barish on

The SkyMall Monday Headquarters has an extensive liquor cabinet. But when that runs dry, I like to head to my favorite neighborhood dive bar and drink until this product makes sense to me. Writing about futuristic SkyMall products for a living is fun, but, during my leisure time, I like to keep things simple at a dingy pub with cheap whiskey and even cheaper women. But all that drinking can lead to some pretty epic hangovers. It’s pretty hard to focus on driving my go-kart when my head is throbbing (Note: I never drive my go-kart when drunk. That’s when I take my Hoverboard.) So, how do I power through the hangovers and get back to testing the SkyMall products that are making our lives easier? I could simply pop pills or gulp down Bloody Marys until everything feels numb, but my therapist says that self-medicating is not a healthy coping mechanism. Instead, I treat my headaches externally. That may seem strange, but if i can’t trust the medical advice of SkyMall, who can I trust? That’s why I treat all of my hangovers by strapping on a big old Headache Relieving Wrap.Sure, it would be great if I met some whore at the dive bar who would massage my head the next morning. I mean, if I’m going to pay her $38 dollars (plus a breath mint), the least she could do is rub my temples until I stop crying. But, in lieu of that, I wrap this band around my head after heating up the accompanying gel packs. The heat and pressure work together to help me forget the shots of well whiskey from the night before. Actually, those shots usually make me forget things, but the wrap helps me forget the headache that accompanied them.

Think that I should quit drinking? You’re not the boss of me! You’re not even my real father! But since you don’t believe that I have things under control and know what’s best for me, take a look at the SkyMall product description:

The unit straps comfortably to your head and provides a soothing, consistent pressure that gently compresses blood vessels…

I’m engorged with enthusiasm over this product.

Look, you could quit drinking. You could eat healthy, go to sleep early and find a partner who values and supports you. But that’s the easy way out. It takes a tough bastard to stick to your guns and wrap an insulated headband on your dome every morning.

So, the next time you’re in New York City, join me for some cheap whiskey, a few cans of beer and a good cry. We can compress our blood vessels together in the morning.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.


SkyMall Monday: Spa Teddy Bear

by Mike Barish on

I stay pretty active when I’m not holed up in the SkyMall Monday headquarters testing products. If I’m not wrestling tigers, dog sledding or setting an orphanage on fire saving orphans from a burning building, I’m nursing my aching muscles. Living an active life leaves me sore and in need of comfort. But, sadly, I live alone in the SkyMall Monday headquarters and there’s no one to help nurse me back to health. Sure, I could go to a spa and pay someone for a massage, but that would require leaving my home and interacting with human beings. That just sounds taxing. No, I need something that will soothe me physically and spiritually while catering to my debilitating social anxiety disorder.

Thankfully, SkyMall understands that even us agoraphobic social pariahs need muscle relief. They know that we need warm hugs from soulless creatures who won’t feed our insecurities. They know that we need a plush toy that will be there when the rest of the world has turned their backs on us and labeled us “weird” or “not allowed near schools.” They know that we need a stuffed animal that we can put in the microwave and then rub on our naked bodies. They know that we need the Spa Teddy Bear.Look, not all of us have friends or lovers who will rub our bodies and release the stress of a hard workout or cathartic cry. Some of us need to turn to the only things that truly understand us: plush toys. Even those people who have been shunned by normal society and have sought solace in the inanimate love that dare not speak its name deserve to find muscle relief and reduction in swelling. The Spa Teddy Bear is there when the everyone else is not.

Perhaps you’re one of those people who think that stuffed animals are just for kids and have no business providing comfort to adults with sore muscles. That’s just intolerant. People like you make me sick. But, I’ll indulge your close-mindedness and let the SkyMall product description explain to you just how normal it is to find comfort in the warm embrace of a plush toy:

When everyone else leaves you cold, you will always have Hot Teddy, also known as Buddy D. Bear to give you an endless supply of cuddles. Just warm him up in the microwave and then get ready for some good hugging. Or if you are nursing a fever, chill him in the freezer and he will give you a cool, soothing hug.

You may have a wife, but can she fit in the microwave? I didn’t think so. And for you ladies whose flows may be heavier than others, Buddy D. Bear “can even ease away monthly cramps.” I bet your boyfriend can’t do that. And when that boyfriend is sleeping with your younger, less menstruating sister, “Hot Teddy makes a great bedtime cuddle bear.“

So, rather than try to cram that mail-order Russian bride into the freezer, why not let the Spa Teddy Bear do all that hard work for you? Whether he’s fresh from the microwave or chilled after “at least four hours” in the freezer, he’ll always smell like clove, cinnamon and eucalyptus. Your mail-order Russian bride will just smell like herring and packing tape.

And, if you and Buddy D. Bear decide to take things to the next level, his outer cover is washable. But before you consummate your love, be sure to let him cool. That microwave can make things hotter than you’re ready to handle.

So, stop judging those of us who are alone and instead help us treat those third-degree burns on our privates. You might just help us build our first real inter-personal relationship.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday Bonus: Is The Travel Slanket TSA Friendly?

by Mike Barish on

How fitting is it that today’s SkyMall Monday featured the Siamese Slanket while the whole travel world is talking about the new TSA regulations? It seems that the TSA wants to make sure that our luggage and devices are safely stowed for the final 60 minutes of the flight so that our hands are completely visible to the flight crew. Even blankets have been outlawed during approach so that no one can discreetly ignite a device or fingerblast his lady friend. But what about the people who are always cold on planes (Read: 90% of humanity)? How will they stay warm in those cold metal tubes as they descend? These are reasonable questions that deserve humorous valid answers.Thankfully, SkyMall Monday is on the case. I am hereby demanding that the TSA answer this vital question: Can we wear the Travel Slanket during landing?

Sure, blankets are no longer permitted during this time, but that’s because the TSA is spooked that you’ll be whittling something explosive out of the view of the flight attendants. But the Travel Slanket keeps your hands exposed. There are no secrets with a Travel Slanket wearer. He wears his heart – and his willingness to follow the rules – on his fleece sleeves.

So, TSA, stop being so ambiguous and aloof and tell us what we all want to know: Is the Travel Slanket the ultimate safety and security compromise? We want answers. We want the truth. We want to fall asleep on our homophobic seatmate.

SkyMall Monday: The Siamese Slanket

by Mike Barish on

On October 13, 2008, SkyMall Monday was born. On that day, I selected a very special product to be the first offering featured in this column. It wasn’t the SkyRest Travel Pillow, the Time Mug or even the Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder that I love so much. No, the product that kicked off this little operation was none other than The Slanket, the original blanket with sleeves. Forget all the commercials that you’ve seen for the Snuggie and how adorable you think that dog Snuggie is. They’re nothing but cheap knock-offs of The Slanket. The Slanket’s so amazing that even mythical beasts rock it at parties. But what happens when you finally find that special someone and you’re no longer content being alone on the couch with your Slanket and a sloppy gyro? You need to be ready for the day when you actually fool someone into thinking that you’re a functional member of society who can provide for her and sometimes let her out of the basement. Well, when that happens, you can keep her warm and, more importantly, close to you, by wrapping yourselves in the Siamese Slanket.A wise man once said, “Sharing is caring.” I couldn’t agree more. I’ve seen too many relationships end because a selfish man lounged cozily on the couch while his lover languished, freezing to death, on a nearby recliner. The distance between them, both physically and emotionally, eventually tore apart their relationships at the seams. Avoid suffering that same sad, pathetic fate by being both intimate and warmed with your mate in a single garment. 1 blanket + 4 arms = 2 souls 4ever. I think. I was awful at algebra. Do the arms and souls cancel each other out? Shoot. Can I borrow your slide rule?

Anyways, I’m going to deviate from protocol a bit here and eschew the use of the SkyMall product description. Instead, I cede the floor to the distinguished folks at the official Siamese Slanket website:

If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color…maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out.

If rhythm is a dancer, then it’s perfectly logical that passion is a Slanket. I can only assume that after you slide into a Slanket you will then slide into your lady’s, you know, um, vaaaaaaaaaacation plans. Yeah, let’s say vacation plans.

In this instance, they are referring to the Ruby Wine Siamese Slanket. Ruby Wine somewhat alludes to a color. Limoges, on the other hand, is a city in France and a type of porcelain. In the world of the Siamese Slanket, however, it is also a shade of blue.

So, pick up your Canadian supermodel girlfriend at the airport (being sure to shield her with your Double Umbrella), take her home to your hovel and show her how much you love her by keeping her no more than two inches from you at all times. Be sure to insist that she asks you for permission to use the bathroom (and for the love of all that is holy, let her out of the Siamese Slanket when she needs to pee and/or poop). And, if you really want to take your relationship to the next level, wear your Siamese Slanket during a three-legged race. Assuming you’re dating someone at a sleepaway camp or company picnic.

It’s time to grow up and share your life with someone special. Show them that you’re ready to make that commitment by giving up all sense of personal space. Pick up a Siamese Slanket and start getting fat together today!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.