SkyMall Monday: Ponchillo, the fleece poncho with a pillow

It hasn’t even been a month since I railed against the Nuddle Blanket and called for everyone to stop purchasing asinine blankets with sleeves. I thought for sure that common sense would spread across the land and that sanity would prevail. Alas, a new threat has presented itself and we must once again brace ourselves for an onslaught of perplexing infomercials. Despite our best efforts here at SkyMall Monday, I fear that SkyMall has again forsaken us by supporting a bizarre leisure garment that attempts to turn us into fleece-draped marsupials. It’s time once again take up our swords and defend our rational way of life. Let all who can hear my call join us as we seek to defeat this latest interloper…the Ponchillo, a fleece poncho with sleeves!

Ponchillo is a portmanteau combining poncho and pillow, although it more realistically sounds like the name of a large Central American rodent. According to the product’s official website, however, it is made in the USA. They insist that it differs from the Nuddle Blanket, Slanket, Snuggie, Forever Lazy and their ilk.

Is it really so different? Well, their commercial is pretty blunt about it. Take a look and then check out my detailed breakdown of the footage below.

0:01 – OK, the font and jingle have combined to make me feel like I’m about to watch a cartoon about Ponchillo, a Central American rodent who goes on adventures. I’m oddly excited.

0:02 – Three generations of one family have gathered to watch a movie. This is way weirder than any cartoon.

0:04 – The Ponchillo appears! I have a hard time believing that Mom kept it a secret during the 2-6 weeks that it takes for the Ponchillo to be delivered. Moms like to talk about everything they do. “I saved a dollar on those cookies that you like using a coupon in Parade. Also, I saw Barb at the market. She’s put on a lot of weight.”

0:08 – Mom seems to have attended a seminar on how to sell the Ponchillo that was held over three days at the local Radisson.

0:15 – Do we really need a remote control organizer inside our ponchos? Leave those semen and urine-covered on the table.

0:18 – Whoa, were those hard candies? Isn’t that grandma’s turf? It’s not a good idea to move in on another dealer’s corners.

0:21 – You know what else has a pillow, lady? That couch that you’re sitting on.

0:24 – “But it’s better than a blanket.” Oh snap! That’s a blatant shot across the bow of the blankets with sleeves machine. Ponchillo’s got some claws.

0:35 – Poor Grandma just doesn’t have the energy that she used to. And she’s having delusions about flying machines again.

0:40 – I remember my days as a teenaged boy, stealing clothes from my mother’s closet and singing Barbra Streisand songs.

0:43 – Do kids keep their video game controllers in their pockets until it’s their turn? They’ll never find Princess Zelda with that technique.

0:45 – More theft! At least it’s the daughter this time. Have you ever washed fleece? It shrinks several sizes. That Ponchillo would surely be a Ponchillito by now.

0:48 – Fleece dance party! “Sure, you girls just comfortably jump around in tank tops. I’m trying to lose a few pounds before prom so I’m going to sweat it off in the Ponchillo.” [faints]

0:55 – How bad a host are you if you force three teenaged girls to sleep on the floor and share one tiny blanket? I’ve attended better slumber parties in Pyongyang.

1:00 – Let me get this straight: You’re attending an outdoor sporting event at which everyone else is wearing coats and you’ve chosen to wear a t-shirt? There’s a girl in front of you wearing earmuffs, for Pete’s sake! Don’t complain about how cold the bleachers are when you have no one to blame but yourself.

1:04 – The Deluxe Ponchillo has a seat cushion? Don’t try to distract us from the fact that no one in their right mind would wear this thing outside of the house. Why do all of these companies show their products being used at sporting events? Snuggie and Forever Lazy, I’m looking at you.

1:10 – Another family movie night? Was the Lone Ranger not on the radio tonight?

1:12 – Mom had no idea that all four of you bought Ponchillos? This family has a problem with secrets (such as, what happened to Grandpa?).

1:14 – “Anybody want a pillow? “No!” “I didn’t think so.” [Forced laughter]

1:19 – I’m still recovering from that knee-slapper of a zinger.

1:22 – The family dog smothers himself with the discarded throw pillow to end his suffering.

Put on a sweater. Buy a decent blanket. Use the pillows that you already own. Wear a jacket to a sporting event (and pants, please). Just don’t wear blankets with sleeves.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Nuddle Blanket

We can tolerate a lot here at Skymall Monday. We have a soft spot for Wine Glass Holder Necklaces, adult bibs for sloppily eating in the car and, of course, the Edge Brownie Pan. Sometimes, though, products just rub us the wrong way. Sure, we can usually feign enjoyment for the sake of a joke, but not this week. Frankly, we’re at our wits’ end. Enough with novelty blankets already! The Snuggie stopped being funny years ago. The Slanket was equally terrible. Forever Lazy is an insult to the human race. Why are people so desperate for bizarre, unflattering, poorly named mutant blankets? This crap needs to stop right here, right now. No one should be wearing these things to a ball game (or anywhere outside of their homes, for that matter). No one should be wearing these things period. If you own one, throw it out. If you don’t, stop thinking about it. And if you’re looking at SkyMall, don’t even consider buying the Nuddle Blanket.The world needs another wearable blanket like David Hasselhoff needs more body hair. Do I care that the Nuddle Blanket has a special foot pocket for keeping your tootsies warm? No! Because we have socks for that. And slippers. And adjustable thermostats that can make our homes warmer. Feet don’t belong in pockets. They’re not hands!

Did you know that the Nuddle Blanket doesn’t have sleeves because sleeves would just get in your way? You know what else doesn’t have any annoying sleeves? A regular blanket! The Nuddle Blanket also has a pocket for keeping your remote control handy. You can’t just place your remote next to you on the couch. That’s would be ridiculous.

Don’t feel as angry about this as I do? Watch this sycophant drone on about the Nuddle Blanket like it just cured cancer:

The name tells it all? Really? Nuddle means to “walk quickly with the head bent forward.” That’s a thing? That requires a word? Oh, wait, apparently Nuddle is a combination of nap and cuddle. Well, now I’m nangry (nauseous and angry). I have never felt so enveloped in stupidity.

The product description isn’t doing it any favors either:

Cuddle up with the Nuddle Blanket. It has an exclusive foot pocket to keep your feet warm all year round.

Openings for your arms let you sip, read, write or text without bothersome sleeves getting in the way.

Perhaps the foot pocket is exclusive because everyone else realized that it’s a moronic idea. Also, sleeves are bothersome? Not when they’re on shirts. Sleeves are only in your way when they’re attached to blankets. And blanket with arm holes is just a torn blanket.

Enough with the novelty blankets. Sleeves, no sleeves, arm holes, pockets, whatever, we don’t care. Just stop. What happened to us? We use to build fires to keep warm. We were survivors. We were a proud people.

Say no to the Nuddle. Reject the Snuggie. Continue to be oblivious to the Slanket. Don’t be Forever Lazy. Resist the urge to be a fleece Spider-Man. Put on a pair of socks if your feet are so cold. But not those toe socks. Man, those things piss me off.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Product Video Edition

I’ve been writing SkyMall Monday since October 13, 2008. That’s two-and-a-half years of reviewing SkyMall products. In that time, I’ve written over 130 SkyMall Monday posts. I’ve gotten to know a few people at SkyMall, but I am in no way, shape or form affiliated with the company. However, I think the time as come for me to take on a roll within SkyMall. This would not be for my own benefit, however. SkyMall needs me. You see, some of the products have short video demos that SkyMall has created. They utilize their own employees for the videos. These clips are – how do I saw this diplomatically? – not as good as they could be. I’ve recorded videos about SkyMall products in the past (like this, this and this, though that last one is more of a slideshow). I was born to star in SkyMall videos. No one could do a better job of highlighting the various features of all of these wondrous products than I could. Take a look at some examples of SkyMall videos to see exactly what I mean. Then see how you can help my cause.AquaBells

Basho the Sumo Wrestler (we’ve covered the table version)

Animated Hitch Critters (featured in our 2008 SkyMall Monday Holiday Gift Guide)

The Slanket (our first ever SkyMall Monday review)

There are a few more videos for your viewing pleasure on SkyMall’s YouTube channel.

If you think that I should star in all future SkyMall product videos, you can let them know by sending them a note. I’d share their marketing person’s email address, but I’m fairly certain that I’d get in trouble with my bosses or ruin any chances I had of getting the SkyMall video gig. Make your voices heard and I promise to make the best videos ever.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday Bonus: Is The Travel Slanket TSA Friendly?

How fitting is it that today’s SkyMall Monday featured the Siamese Slanket while the whole travel world is talking about the new TSA regulations? It seems that the TSA wants to make sure that our luggage and devices are safely stowed for the final 60 minutes of the flight so that our hands are completely visible to the flight crew. Even blankets have been outlawed during approach so that no one can discreetly ignite a device or fingerblast his lady friend. But what about the people who are always cold on planes (Read: 90% of humanity)? How will they stay warm in those cold metal tubes as they descend? These are reasonable questions that deserve humorous valid answers.Thankfully, SkyMall Monday is on the case. I am hereby demanding that the TSA answer this vital question: Can we wear the Travel Slanket during landing?

Sure, blankets are no longer permitted during this time, but that’s because the TSA is spooked that you’ll be whittling something explosive out of the view of the flight attendants. But the Travel Slanket keeps your hands exposed. There are no secrets with a Travel Slanket wearer. He wears his heart – and his willingness to follow the rules – on his fleece sleeves.

So, TSA, stop being so ambiguous and aloof and tell us what we all want to know: Is the Travel Slanket the ultimate safety and security compromise? We want answers. We want the truth. We want to fall asleep on our homophobic seatmate.

SkyMall Monday: The Siamese Slanket

On October 13, 2008, SkyMall Monday was born. On that day, I selected a very special product to be the first offering featured in this column. It wasn’t the SkyRest Travel Pillow, the Time Mug or even the Baseball Bat Pepper Grinder that I love so much. No, the product that kicked off this little operation was none other than The Slanket, the original blanket with sleeves. Forget all the commercials that you’ve seen for the Snuggie and how adorable you think that dog Snuggie is. They’re nothing but cheap knock-offs of The Slanket. The Slanket’s so amazing that even mythical beasts rock it at parties. But what happens when you finally find that special someone and you’re no longer content being alone on the couch with your Slanket and a sloppy gyro? You need to be ready for the day when you actually fool someone into thinking that you’re a functional member of society who can provide for her and sometimes let her out of the basement. Well, when that happens, you can keep her warm and, more importantly, close to you, by wrapping yourselves in the Siamese Slanket.A wise man once said, “Sharing is caring.” I couldn’t agree more. I’ve seen too many relationships end because a selfish man lounged cozily on the couch while his lover languished, freezing to death, on a nearby recliner. The distance between them, both physically and emotionally, eventually tore apart their relationships at the seams. Avoid suffering that same sad, pathetic fate by being both intimate and warmed with your mate in a single garment. 1 blanket + 4 arms = 2 souls 4ever. I think. I was awful at algebra. Do the arms and souls cancel each other out? Shoot. Can I borrow your slide rule?

Anyways, I’m going to deviate from protocol a bit here and eschew the use of the SkyMall product description. Instead, I cede the floor to the distinguished folks at the official Siamese Slanket website:

If passion was a Slanket, it would be this color…maybe passion IS a Slanket. Slide into one and find out.

If rhythm is a dancer, then it’s perfectly logical that passion is a Slanket. I can only assume that after you slide into a Slanket you will then slide into your lady’s, you know, um, vaaaaaaaaaacation plans. Yeah, let’s say vacation plans.

In this instance, they are referring to the Ruby Wine Siamese Slanket. Ruby Wine somewhat alludes to a color. Limoges, on the other hand, is a city in France and a type of porcelain. In the world of the Siamese Slanket, however, it is also a shade of blue.

So, pick up your Canadian supermodel girlfriend at the airport (being sure to shield her with your Double Umbrella), take her home to your hovel and show her how much you love her by keeping her no more than two inches from you at all times. Be sure to insist that she asks you for permission to use the bathroom (and for the love of all that is holy, let her out of the Siamese Slanket when she needs to pee and/or poop). And, if you really want to take your relationship to the next level, wear your Siamese Slanket during a three-legged race. Assuming you’re dating someone at a sleepaway camp or company picnic.

It’s time to grow up and share your life with someone special. Show them that you’re ready to make that commitment by giving up all sense of personal space. Pick up a Siamese Slanket and start getting fat together today!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.