SkyMall Monday: Spa Teddy Bear

I stay pretty active when I’m not holed up in the SkyMall Monday headquarters testing products. If I’m not wrestling tigers, dog sledding or setting an orphanage on fire saving orphans from a burning building, I’m nursing my aching muscles. Living an active life leaves me sore and in need of comfort. But, sadly, I live alone in the SkyMall Monday headquarters and there’s no one to help nurse me back to health. Sure, I could go to a spa and pay someone for a massage, but that would require leaving my home and interacting with human beings. That just sounds taxing. No, I need something that will soothe me physically and spiritually while catering to my debilitating social anxiety disorder.

Thankfully, SkyMall understands that even us agoraphobic social pariahs need muscle relief. They know that we need warm hugs from soulless creatures who won’t feed our insecurities. They know that we need a plush toy that will be there when the rest of the world has turned their backs on us and labeled us “weird” or “not allowed near schools.” They know that we need a stuffed animal that we can put in the microwave and then rub on our naked bodies. They know that we need the Spa Teddy Bear.Look, not all of us have friends or lovers who will rub our bodies and release the stress of a hard workout or cathartic cry. Some of us need to turn to the only things that truly understand us: plush toys. Even those people who have been shunned by normal society and have sought solace in the inanimate love that dare not speak its name deserve to find muscle relief and reduction in swelling. The Spa Teddy Bear is there when the everyone else is not.

Perhaps you’re one of those people who think that stuffed animals are just for kids and have no business providing comfort to adults with sore muscles. That’s just intolerant. People like you make me sick. But, I’ll indulge your close-mindedness and let the SkyMall product description explain to you just how normal it is to find comfort in the warm embrace of a plush toy:

When everyone else leaves you cold, you will always have Hot Teddy, also known as Buddy D. Bear to give you an endless supply of cuddles. Just warm him up in the microwave and then get ready for some good hugging. Or if you are nursing a fever, chill him in the freezer and he will give you a cool, soothing hug.

You may have a wife, but can she fit in the microwave? I didn’t think so. And for you ladies whose flows may be heavier than others, Buddy D. Bear “can even ease away monthly cramps.” I bet your boyfriend can’t do that. And when that boyfriend is sleeping with your younger, less menstruating sister, “Hot Teddy makes a great bedtime cuddle bear.

So, rather than try to cram that mail-order Russian bride into the freezer, why not let the Spa Teddy Bear do all that hard work for you? Whether he’s fresh from the microwave or chilled after “at least four hours” in the freezer, he’ll always smell like clove, cinnamon and eucalyptus. Your mail-order Russian bride will just smell like herring and packing tape.

And, if you and Buddy D. Bear decide to take things to the next level, his outer cover is washable. But before you consummate your love, be sure to let him cool. That microwave can make things hotter than you’re ready to handle.

So, stop judging those of us who are alone and instead help us treat those third-degree burns on our privates. You might just help us build our first real inter-personal relationship.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.