SkyMall Monday: Brobdingnagian Sports Chair

With summer in full swing, we’re all busy attending picnics, parades, baseball games and Renaissance fairs. The problem at all of those events, of course, is seating. Not just whether or not there will be a place to sit, but if that seating is deserving off housing your very important buttocks. You’re a big deal. Sitting on the grass simply is not an option for you. Using the provided seats is an insult. Bleachers? Bleachers are for average people. You’re special. You’re better than the riff raff waiting in line for corn dogs and funnel cakes. You have your corn dogs and funnel cakes delivered directly to you. You’re not part of the hoi polloi who wallow in their own peanut shell fragments. No, you’re above all that. And now you can physically be above it all. Thanks to SkyMall, you can elevate your stature and your person to show the masses that you are better than they could ever hope to be while also obstructing the view of those idiots who thought they had a right see anything. The next time you’re heading to that jousting tournament or checking out a double rainbow, be sure to pack your enormous Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.Big chairs deserve big names. Brobdingnagian is from Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels and refers to a land of giants. See, you’re learning. Now, the word is just used to describe stuff that is abnormally large. Not that there’s anything abnormal about a chair that allows your feet dangle above the ground makes you look like Edith Ann from Sesame Street. It’s perfectly acceptable to set up shop in a gigantic chair in public. It’s your right.

Think that such a large chair that blocks other people’s views is rude? Believe that a blanket on the grass is the only true way to view an outdoor event? Well, if you could stop picking ants out of your food for a minute, maybe you’d be able to read the product description:

This is the portable chair that elevates your physical stature at any outdoor event. Measuring 5-1/2′ tall, the chair is certain to provide stadium seating at any venue, and its 9′ sq. seat affords ample room for fullbody gesticulations. The lofty seat elevates feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway. The reinforced powder-coated steel frame and 400-denier rip-stop canvas support up to 400 lbs.

With nine square feet of seat space and security up to 400 pounds, you can keep those corn dogs and funnel cakes coming well into Rascal Flatts’ third encore. As for the full-body gesticulations, I suppose the chair is large enough to invite of a friend up to join you. I worry about the chafing, though.

No longer must you surround yourself with the idiots you call neighbors. Show them that they’re just peasants by kicking them with your dangling feet and dropping deep fried Oreo crumbs on their heads. You’re special. You’re somebody. You’re the owner of the Brobdingnagian Sports Chair.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.