The Amazing Race All Stars, Episode 3 Recap: “Use Yer Boobs”

by Willy Volk on

After watching last week’s episode of the Amazing Race, I was a little apprehensive. After all, one of the challenges took place inside a board room. That is neither Amazing nor, um, amazing.

So it was with some trepidation that I sat down to watch Episode 3. First and foremost on my mind was the question: Cold Charla and Mirna get any more annoying? (Short answer: yes.) Second on my list of questions was: Can I get any tireder of Rob and Amber? (Short answer: yes.) Finally on my list of questions was the most crucial one: Would Jerry Bruckheimer and the gang pull last week’s episode out of the toilet and make Episode 3 a good one? (Short answer: Yes.)

For the long answers to all these questions — and some spoilers! — keep on reading…

As always, the episode begins where the last one leaves off. This time, the location is Chile’s barren San Pedro de Atacama. In their clues, the racers are told to head for the local airport and secure tickets to Puerto Montt, with a transfer in Santiago. While last week’s first-place finishers Rob and Amber use their noggins and find an all-night Internet cafe to get plane tickets ensuring them an early arrival the following day (12:55 pm), everyone else rushes like a hydra-headed chicken-with-its-head-cut-off to the airport. If that metaphor makes any sense…

Once at the airport, the line moves. at. a. crawl. Rather than waste time in line, Uchenna and Joyce hop over to a hotel to book tickets. Before they go, they take credit card information from three other teams so they can buy them tickets, as well. However, upon arriving at the the hotel, they realize only Team Guido (Joe and Bill) gave them their security codes. Ultimately, Uchenna and Joyce and Team Guido get 12:55 tickets; the other teams get tickets arriving at 1:55. Cleverly, though, Eric and Danielle wrangle the last two tickets on the 12:55 flight. I don’t understand how the tickets suddenly appeared, but they did. Accept it.

Some of the teams on the later flight catch wind of the possibility of stand-by tickets in Santiago. Consequently, when they arrive in Santiago, Charla and Mirna and Teri and Ian rush to the ticket counter and act rather ungraciously towards each other AND the ticket agent. The tragi-comedy goes something like this:

Teri: “Do not speak to my person while he is helping me.”
Mirna: “You don’t own the world.”
Ian: “You are rude.”
Mirna (to the ticket agent): “Excuse me…”
Ian (while trying to flip that silly broad-brimmed hat out of his eyes): “Security!”

“You don’t own the world.” Ah, Mirna, that’s rich! I bet that kind of eloquence really helps you in your work as an attorney. Later, Charla stoically sums up the heated interaction thus: “There is no reason for yelling at one another.” This pearl of wisdom coming from the second biggest shrieker on the show (right behind her teammate). Hey, Charla, how do you spell Sybil? C-H-A-R-Y-B-I-L? For what it’s worth, none of them get stand-by tickets.

Moving on…

Once in Puerto Montt, the teams are expected to drive to drive to a mid-sized commercial fish farm. There, they find this episode’s Roadblock. In this Roadblock, one team member must catch and transfer 80 live flounder from one holding tank to another, using a small, mesh-lined box.

Danielle volunteers to do the Roadblock and immediately starts shrieking: “I don’t even like them looking at me.” To console and support her, Eric says “Just pick them up and put your boobs on it. Use yer boobs.” Isn’t he a doll?

Meanwhile, Rob — not wanting to be outdone as the least classy guy on the show — shouts to Amber: “Amber, you look like a fisherwoman.” Ha ha, a “fisherwoman.” Get it? That’s All-Star-banter right there, folks. I kept waiting for him to drop a funny-bomb like, “Hey, you’re really floundering in this task.” Or: “You smell worse than the flounder.” Or even: “Flounder this.” No luck. I guess he’s saving all his comedic gems for later in the race. Can’t wait.

Meanwhile, back at the airport…Kentucky can’t figure out how to get out of the airport. He just keeps keeps circling and circling. Priceless. When they finally arrive at the fish farm, Dave admits he’s afraid of fish. So what does he do? He chooses to do the task. Did I mention they’re at a fish farm? Once he commits to the task, though, he really does a good job.

Despite Danielle’s whining, Charla wins the award for most freaked-out-fishmonger. Total fear. Totally hilarious.

Okay, everybody finally gets their next clue (Essentially, “Go to Petrohue“), and rushes to their cars. While most teams seem to have no problems making their way to Petrohue, Charla and Mirna get lost, and ask a sweaty, grizzled man to show them the way (he lamely refuses with the comment, “I have work”). When they mention they’ll pay him $50 for his services, he immediately relents. Work? Me? Inside the car, Mirna mutters, “Welcome to Charla and Mirna’s world. It’s a scary one.” (This wins the award for biggest understatement of the episode.)

As teams arrive in Petrohue, they discover a Detour. In this Detour, teams can choose between Vertical Limit (a 40-foot rock climb that’s adjacent to the cluebox), or River Wild (a 2.5 mile white water raft through class III and IV rapids that’s 2 miles down the road). Much to my surprise, although the rock climb is right there, and it looks easy, only Uchenna and Joyce choose the it. I’m not too geeked up about this pair, but I take my hat off to them for being the only team willing to try the rock climb.

Surprisingly, the Beauty Queens somehow miss the Detour sign but find the rafts. They climb in, and head down river.

Meanwhile, Rob and Amber are the first to arrive at the mat. Joyce and Uchenna (who Phil insists on calling “Uchenner”) are second. Danny and Oswald are third.

Amusingly, the Chilean man standing on the mat at the end of the race greeting the racers is a little person. As Danny and Oswald run up, Danny — not missing the irony — says, “Charla’s going to be in love.” In fact, when she stands on the mat, she hugs him. Sparks fly. I smell a fifth Emmy, folks.

The Beauty Queens arrive in fourth place, but they don’t have all the clues — remember: they just showed up at the rafts without visiting the cluebox — so Phil sends them back to collect the missing one. However, even when they hit the mat the second time, they’re still #4.

Ultimately, Kentucky is eliminated. And, for my money, it’s none too soon. I’m tired of her screeching at him and complaining that Charla and Mirna were their friends…until the girls passed them. Didn’t anybody tell Kentucky that this was a race?

In my opinion, Episode 3 was more fun and more funny than either of the previous two. Highlights included:

Most ironic moment of the episode: Joe and Bill announce that they “feel like the Godfathers of tough competitors… There’s no reason to minimize us just because we’re two gay men living together.” Later Bill reminds Joe that Chile is known for its wine and exclaims, “I could definitely go for a glass of Chardonnay.”

Ghastliest moment of the episode: Rob’s obscenely large, purplish, hairless nipple in the shot after he climbs out of the river. Producers, a little less man-boob, huh?

Weirdest comment of the episode: Mirna to the sweaty guy as she clambers out of the river toward her car, “I’m sorry I am wearing a bathing suit. It is very weird, I know.” That’s not the only weird thing about you.

Most annoying moment of the episode: “The key was left in the tent.” In and of itself, this isn’t an annoying comment, but Charla is talking to the camera, and she’s using that funny accent she uses when she’s condescending to, er, talking to locals. Amazingly, even to the camera, Charla talks in funny-talk.

Next week: Charla and Amber get into a screaming match, according to the previews. What happened to, “There is no reason for yelling at one another”?

The Amazing Race All-Stars, Episode 2 Recap

by Justin Glow on

Oh, the Amazing Race never seems to fail. If you haven’t seen the second episode and aren’t interested in hearing any spoilers, please stop reading now. Otherwise, let’s go!

Last week we left the All-Star Amazing Racers (minus one team) in Quito, Ecuador, where the 1st pit-stop was from the premiere episode. The episode begins with Drew — the same guy who tripped and fell on the concrete in some sort of bizarre, uh, falling accident — experiencing altitude sickness and in need of bottled oxygen in order to continue. This isn’t the last we hear of Drew and his ailments (sounds like a band name, doesn’t it?), as he survives to continue the race, but not without whining like a little girl at every bump in the road. Literally.

Receiving their next clue, Racers head to the airport to catch a plane to Santiago, Chile, home of Codelco’s Corporate Headquarters. Like the thugs that they are, Kevin and Drew play flight attendant by yanking Kentucky’s luggage out of a first-class overhead bin because they were sitting coach. Acting in a complete opposite manner, life partners Joe and Bill rustle up some cucumber slices and place them over their eyes to reduce the swelling caused by jet lag, I guess. Tell me: you’re on a race around the world — where do you find the time to secure cucumbers, and how do you slice them? What they probably didn’t show is Joe and Bill harassing a Subway sandwich artist for a baggy of leftover, complexion-cleansing vegetables and a Cold Cut Trio.

Codelco is the world’s largest copper producer, and it is in their corporate offices where, after landing in Santiago, the racers have their next roadblock. This seemed quite confusing at first: the task was to find random letters around a boardroom and unscramble them into location names noted underneath 10 pictures on the office walls. Who comes up with this stuff? A boardroom? That’s exactly what it was like in my house while watching: a board room. RIMSHOT! A few of the teams were smart enough (Kentucky?!) to do the challenge in reverse by writing all the location names down and working backwards from the letters they found. This proved to be much quicker, and allowed several teams to leave the not-so-bright in the dust. But still…who cares? They’re going to have to really pick things up to hold my interest here.

The letters, once unscrambled, spelled out their next destination: Chuquicamata, the largest open pit copper mine in the world located in Calama, Chile. And so it was — the teams hopped another flight towards Calama and once they landed and found the copper mine, they were ready for the Detour: By hand or By machine. In by hand, teams had to tighten some lug nuts or screws on a giant machine wheel. In by machine, each team member had to separately operate a front-loader and use it to dump some dirt. Thrilling stuff here, folks. Really.

After finishing the task, teams could now head to the location of the next pit stop: The Valley of the Dead, in the Valley of the Moon, in the Valley of the Doorknob, over the Valley of the Helpmegodthisisboring. The only notable thing happening is Charla and Mirna’s altercation with a taxi driver over the cost of a following fare. “Just take all my money!” yelled Mirna, thrusting her purse (or was it the race fanny pack?) into the arms of the driver. I’m surprised she didn’t rip off all of her clothes, hand over the keys to the truck she was driving, and break out her will to sign all of her worldly possessions over to this poor taxi driver who just wanted his money so he could be on his way. “Amigo!”

Ramber once again finish first, which isn’t surprising since they seem to be the only team really racing the way this race should be raced. NY thugs arrive last, but not without Drew using every excuse in the book. “I tried my hardest,” he told Phil at the loser’s mat, which was quickly followed up with a complaint about a sore driving foot. What? Come on, dude. You hurt your foot while driving? Sorry, but I’m glad you’re gone.

Catch us next Monday for another recap of the Amazing Race: All-Stars!

The Amazing Race All-Stars: 1798 Miles and Lots of Bad Accents

by Willy Volk on

I love watching The Amazing Race. While I don’t care much for the teammate squabbling, I love seeing so many remote parts of the world, many of which are non-traditional staples of American TV viewing.

This season, the series’ 11th, boasts the so-called All-Stars. Featuring some teams you may have rooted for in the past — and some teams you may not have rooted for — this season will, no doubt, be filled with deceit, treachery, lying and sleaziness — especially since Rob and Amber are back.

Beginning with an impossibly long ride to the airport in Miami, the teams head for Quito, Ecuador…

… where they rush to Pim’s Restaurant. After receiving staggered departure times for the next day’s trip to Hacienda Yanahurco, an ecological reserve in Cotopaxi National Park, the teams have to choose between Wrangle It (give a beauty treatment to a horse) or Recover It (find a needle in a haystack). Ultimately, sneaky, snake-y Rob and Amber score a first place finish while formerly dating couple John Vito and Jill get the boot.

Of course, it’s easy for me, as an armchair racer, to critique the racers’ performance from the comfort of my sofa. However, I did come up with some things that the racers probably should have avoided — and that you might want to avoid on upcoming trips:

  1. Do not speak to locals with English infused with accents that you believe the locals speak with. They will not understand you better. Charla and Mirna are notorious violators of this travel no-no. Just speak slowly and clearly.
  2. In the airport, many of the racers accost the ticket agents, demanding the earliest-arriving flights. Generally speaking, I don’t think this is the best method for getting the seats you want. Be polite. Ask nicely. Be calm. Freaking out never made an airline seat appear.
  3. While I understand that time is critical, asking foreign cabbies to speed and/or break the local laws is probably a bad idea — and doesn’t make the rest of us travelers more appreciated.

In summary, the racers experienced 2 countries, 1 nearly dislocated shoulder, and 1798 miles of stale airline air.

The Amazing Race: All Star teams announced

by Justin Glow on

I’m not afraid to admit it: I love watching The Amazing Race. Take 22 not-so-savvy travelers and set them loose on a race around the world, watching them pit against each other, go through extreme culture shock, and be generally daft while representing America to the rest of the world. What’s not to love? I was excited, then, to find out that the upcoming 11th season of the race is an all-star version (à la Survivor) where each team is from a previous season. Gadling brother blog, TV Squad, has the scoop on the veteran racers for next season:

Get your Tivos ready: The Amazing Race All-Stars premiers on Sunday, February 18th at 8PM et/pt on CBS.