The 10 Rules of Dive Bar Etiquette

by Annie Scott on

Dive bars in America are known for three basic things: cheap drinks, food that might kill you and elementary violence. There’s one in almost every town, and they are among our most-loved institutions. On your worst day, no one at The Ding Dong Lounge will judge you — and if you show up in a ball gown, no one will really care.

As much as I love fancy cocktails at, say, The Oak Bar, there’s something oddly charming about ordering a two dollar beer and a shot in a dirty, peanut-covered dive where you heard there was recently a knife fight. It’s a kind of urban adventure. That said, when you’re taking such an adventure, especially when you’re outside of your usual domain, you should observe some key rules of etiquette.

That’s right, I said etiquette. Etiquette isn’t just about salad forks and car doors, it’s about doing as the Romans do, so as not to irritate anybody or make yourself unnecessarily conspicuous. Blending in is the foundation of civilized society, even in bars where your shoes stick to the floor when you walk.

So here they are, The 10 Rules of Dive Bar Etiquette, especially for when you “ain’t from ’round these parts.”

1. Tip. Tip a dollar per drink, or two dollars if the drink is over $6. Any drink over $6 is probably a mixed drink, which means the bartender put in a little extra effort (presumably as little as possible) and has thus earned an extra buck. The tip for a drink over $12 should be $3, but if you’re at a dive bar where they’re serving drinks for over $12, your taste in dive bars sucks. Also, if you tip in coins, you’re doing it wrong.2. Don’t ask too many questions. The only appropriate question, really, is “What do you have on tap?” — and that’s only if the taps are not visible. Unless your bartender invites further conversation, tell them (don’t ask them for) your drink, then assume that their dog is dead and this is the funeral. Don’t bug them about how long the bar has been around, whether they own it, and don’t ask what kind of wine they have. They have white and red.

3. Don’t talk on the phone. If you absolutely must make or take a call, step away from the bar and head to the restroom area, where there is often the remains of a pay phone of yore. This is the only appropriate place to carry on a conversation. Nobody wants to hear your business, and when you’re on the phone next to them, they can’t help but listen and start to hate you.

4. Don’t judge the locals. Out loud. You never know who’s into knife fights.

5. If you order a round of shots, you pay. “Do you want to do a shot?” is an invitation to buy a shot for someone, not an invitation for someone to buy one for him or herself. You also must offer a toast. Even if it’s just “to drinking.”

6. Don’t touch the bar mat. The mat on the bar, as well as everything behind the bar, is sacred. The bartender will put the drink in front of you when they decide it’s time for you to drink it. If the dive is also an eating establishment, there may be a bar mat where servers pick up drinks for their tables. Don’t sit or stand there.

7. Smoking rules. You must not borrow more than one cigarette from anyone without buying them a drink. Cigarettes, to some dive bar frequenters, are worth their weight in paper money, and, when in a bind, they will smoke paper money. If you are going outside for a smoke, you must place your cocktail napkin on top of your beer, or the bartender will think you’ve left. If you see a drink with a cocktail napkin on it in front of an empty bar stool or at a bar table, you can’t sit there. Roofies are okay. (Kidding.)

8. Don’t eyeball the bartender. Unless you have official bar business like ordering a drink or a tab, eye contact with the bartender is an uncomfortable faux pas. If you don’t have someone to talk to, eyeballing the bartender looks desperate. Stare into your drink and contemplate your existence like a normal person, or ask a nearby guest about the upcoming weather (you’ll be flying or driving soon, after all).

9. Observe bathroom gender codes. No talking for men; obligatory talking for women (a simple “hi” is okay, but if you say nothing, you’re a rude outsider).

10. Keep it simple. Don’t order a complicated drink. The ingredients should be in the name of the drink (examples: gin and tonic, beer). Also, grade your drink on a Pass/Fail basis, not on complex ratios or emotional implications. If the drink is too weak, order a double next time. If the drink is too strong, let us know where that bar is.

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10 Tips for getting a tattoo in Tahiti

by Andrew Evans on

Tahiti is one of the world’s top tattoo destinations and for a good reason: the Tahitians kinda sorta invented the whole tattoo thing, even giving us the word which derives from the Tahitian tatau, “to strike”.

Once upon a time in Tahiti, tattoos were made by taking a comb with teeth of sharpened wood or bone, dipping the tips into natural black ink and tapping it into the epidermis: tap, tap, tap. Then along came the tattoo gun, followed by Spring Break, bad Chinese charcter tats, and tramp stamps.

But Tahiti ain’t Cancun–tattoos have a long history and mean something here, which is why enthusiasts travel all this way for the real thing. If you are among such travelers, here are ten common-sensical things to think about before getting drawn upon:

Don’t rush
Please, please, do not do the following: come to Tahiti, notice a few cool tribal designs and think to yourself, “You know, I gotta get me one of them before my plane leaves in two days!” A tattoo is forever and ever, amen. Take time to learn and make an informed decision. A lot of enthusiasts take a ‘”recce” trip to Tahiti just to plan out their second trip in which they actually get the tat.

Do your homework
Read all about the history of Tahitian tattoos, the meaning of each design, and the range of artists out there. There are plenty of online sites and picture-laden books that can give you a better understanding of the particulars while a preliminary visit can give you a much clearer understanding of what you’re getting into.Ask
If you see a Tahitian on the beach with really cool ink, ask them where they got it. The really good, traditional work is often done by a family friend, and you might just get an introduction. These are small islands so the more you observe and ask, the more chance you have of learning who the most talented artists are.

Show & Tell
Visit prospective artists and ask that they show you photos of their previous work. It seems obvious, but not everyone is as smart as you. If in doubt about any of the work you see, move on. Despite all the talented artists in Tahiti, there are still a few impostors out there.

Go to the market
Papeete’s market is a wild visual destination in and of itself. While wandering among the piles of mangoes and goggle-eyed fish, visit the tattoo artists who hang around on the upper levels on Sundays. They cater to a local, Tahitian clientele and tend to do magnificent work.

Custom build
If in doubt, get a custom-designed tattoo, made just for you. Most Tahitian tattoo shops will have books that are loaded with traditional designs, however most Tahitian artists are actual artists who can draw up a beautiful tat just the way you want it. That’s part of what makes the experience so cool.

Reject realism
If you travel to Tahiti to get a tattoo of turquoise dolphins doing somersaults across your back, well then, you’re a moron. Likewise, there are tattoo artists who will gladly take your money to attempt a scrawling of Bart Simpson skateboarding across your thigh, but none of them know who Bart Simpson is. When in Tahiti, stick to to Tahitian designs and stick to black.

Tap it
For the full-on Tahitian experience, skip the comforts of the tattoo gun and get your design tapped into you skin the traditional way–with a boar’s tusk comb. This takes longer and costs a lot more (one or two helpers need to hold your skin taught while the artists punctures you about four thousand times), but it’s as close as you’re gonna get to the experience of the early explorers who first visited. Moorea Tattoo still offers this method, as do a few other artists.

Start saving now
A decent, singular tattoo in Tahiti costs upwards of 30,000 Polynesian Francs (about US$450). Start multiplying that number if you want to cover more than a shoulder or calf. In that same vein, make sure you’re not getting overcharged because you’re a white man. Even on a good day, Tahiti is super expensive.

Grin and bear it
But does it hurt? Yes it does–and in Tahiti, that’s kind of the point.

Top Ten Reasons that Road Trips Rock

by Mike Barish on

Yesterday, Annie posted a top ten list about why road trips suck. I was shocked and appalled, to say the least. After reading her piece and discussing it with folks on Twitter, I deduced that Annie didn’t really hate road trips. She hated long car rides. There’s a distinction and it’s an important one. Road trips make the journey the adventure. The act of being in the car, seeing the sights and not having to rush becomes your trip. The destination is secondary. Long car rides are just attempts at saving money or avoiding a confrontation with your fear of flying. They’re utilitarian and should not be confused with what you and I consider a true road trip. Road trips should be celebrated. To all of you whimsical travelers who have ever made a mix tape specifically for a road trip (and still nostalgically listen to it today as an iTunes playlist), this one’s for you. 1. Time Doesn’t Matter – Who cares when you get to the destination? You’re with your friends, you’re on vacation and you chose to drive for a reason. Enjoy the scenery. Moon the car next to you. Play License Plate Bingo. Cherish those moments in the car because they will breed the inside jokes that you repeat not just on that trip, but for the rest of your life. It’s not about killing time. That’s murder.

2. Pit Stops – Cracker Barrel. Waffle House. Truck stop diners. Gas station convenience stores. These are a road tripper’s oases. All foods are viable options on the road. I’ve seen vegetarians eat meat and justify it with the “I was on a road trip” excuse. Relish that fast food burger. Enjoy a side of pancakes with your omelet (Perkins, I’m looking at you). Buy chips and cookies and candy that you would never think to eat at home and bring them back to the car to eat on the road. You’re on a road trip. You can eat anything you want!

3. Instant Gratification – Ever been excited to go on a trip only to sit at the airport for five hours? Ever had a vacation delayed because you missed a flight? Road trips can’t be delayed. Traffic? Who cares (see #1)? Are you in the car? Congratulations, your vacation has started.

4. Look at That! – If you’re sitting on a plane, you’re only scenery options are the tiny screen in front of you or, if the person in front of you has reclined, some dandruff and a bald spot. Not exactly riveting entertainment. On a road trip, you never know what you’re going to see next. It could be an amusing sign, a classic car or even a sheep herder who needs to play through. Keep your camera handy because road trips are human safaris!

5. Pranks – Sure, at some point the laughter will die down and your car will become a moving nap box. This is the perfect time to mess whoever passed out. Draw a penis on his face. Scream at the top of your lungs and swerve to trick her into thinking you’re about to be in an accident. Call his mother and tell her he’s dead. OK, that last one may go a bit too far but you catch my drift.

6. Music – Road trips need soundtracks. Mix tapes may have given way to MP3 players, but the effect is the same: sing-alongs! If everyone on the trip brings their iPod, you’ll have music for days. And, if they die (or you get sick of listening to your friends Backstreet Boys “classic mix”), the radio is a viable and underrated option. Radio gets a bad rap, but listening to local stations is a road trip tradition. Blast that country music in the South, listen to some bizarre Christian talk show or find the Top 40 station that every town has and harmonize with Rihanna. Because Rihanna is awesome.

7. Detours – Have you ever asked your pilot to make an unscheduled stop along the way? The FAA frowns on that. But if you’re road tripping and see something like, oh, I don’t know, a hedge maze, you can make an executive decision to get lost in some shrubbery. There are countless amazing destinations just waiting to be stumbled upon. The world’s largest ball of twine is going to call out to you some day. Will you answer?

8. Souvenirs – Road trips generate the best makeshift souvenirs. A menu from a dilapidated diner can easily be slipped into a purse and added to a scrapbook later. Trucker hats from rest stops with innuendo-filled names make great keepsakes (I own a Kum & Go hat that a friend purchased for me on a road trip). One man’s schlock is another man’s memento.

9. Friends Both New & Old – Who needs hotels when you can stay with friends? Road trips are a great excuse to call up old friends to ask if you can stay the night when you pass through town. Or, if people are willing, to stay with friends of friends who are willing to put you up. If you announce on Twitter or Facebook that you need a place to stay en route, you’ll be surprised who volunteers their couch or air mattress. We’re only strangers until we say hello.

10. Bonding – The older you get, the harder it is to spend real quality time with the people you care about. Work will demand more of your attention. Family will become a bigger priority. And the time you have to share with friends will diminish. A road trip is a great opportunity to really be ourselves, relive old glories and create new memories that will sustain us through those dull days at the office. Road trips heighten emotions. Jokes are funnier. Laughs are heartier. And the farts stink more if you lock the windows.

Road trips are less about the destination than the journey. It’s cliché, I know. But if all you cared about was getting from Point A to Point B, you wouldn’t call it a road trip. You’d call it driving. A road trip is its own special category of travel. Enjoy each and every moment of it. And then avoid your tripmates for a few weeks when you get home. You’ll be sick of them by then.

Top Ten Reasons that Road Trips Suck

by Annie Scott on

Whether you’re trying to save money or shrink your vacation’s carbon footprint, you probably know, deep down, that road trips suck. There are definitely good things about the open road; the unexpected detours, the wind in your hair (or exhaust in your face, eyes) … but for the most part, sitting in traffic in a closed vehicle for untold hours with people you may or may not normally tolerate for long stretches would probably be one of Dante’s rings of Inferno, had he thought of it. Road trips suck. Just in time for Thanksgiving, let’s go ahead and talk about it. It might make you feel better.

Top Ten Reasons that Road Trips Suck

1. Time. Driving takes forever. You’re cramped up in this tiny little space (especially if someone’s behind you and demanding leg room of any kind), and even if you speed, you will probably only end up shaving like fifteen minutes off of your trip — that’s if you don’t get arrested. A flight from New York to LA is about 6 hours and 45 minutes. The drive? According to Mapquest, it’s 42 hours and 45 minutes from Times Square to Laurel Canyon and Sunset Boulevard. And you can never have those 42 hours and 45 minutes back.

2. The whole car has to pull over if one person has to “go.” It’s not fair. The whole trip has to stop because someone had a Mountain Dew. Rest stops have gotten better over the years, but it’s inevitable that you will end up at the one with townies who look like they want to bash your head against the condom dispenser and “Beware Cat Burglar” on the back of the restroom stalls.

3. It wrecks the car. Road trips may stress you out. Well, they also put stress on your car. The miles depreciate its resale value one by one. Your vehicle could also break down, leaving you stranded and having to fly or rent, or worse yet, you could just be stuck knowing that “my car has never run the same since that road trip.” A lot of people will tell you to make sure to get your car serviced before your trip. Ever been to an auto body shop that can’t find something wrong? Me neither. There goes whatever cash you were saving by not flying.
4. Sleepiness. When you’re driving alone late at night, it’s not uncommon (and very dangerous) to get a case of the nods. Worse still is when you have a car full of people with you — and they’re all asleep.

5. Carsickness. If you’re not the driver, you’re bored. That’s just how it is after a couple of hours. Unfortunately, if you’re part of the 80 percent of the population that gets motion sickness (at some point, according to Healthline), just about everything that might be fun to do in a small, enclosed space, like read, play a videogame, or do a puzzle, will make you violently ill. Especially if you’re running on low-budget diner food.

6. Radio fail. However many miles it takes you to get sick of your iPod, that’s about how many miles it probably takes for you to be completely free of all familiar radio stations. Then, you have to scan and scan for something even remotely listenable, and whatever decent signal you do manage to pick up is gone within half an hour to an hour. If you bring a book on tape, you’re similarly doomed because if you’re alone, your mind will wander or you’ll get distracted by navigating. If you’re with others, someone will start talking, or, as before, they’ll all be lulled to sleep, and you’ll be stuck rewinding constantly.

7. Traffic. God forbid you should try and take a vacation the same day as other people, because not only will the airports be dire, but the traffic will be literally catastrophic — and by “catastrophic,” I mean that the stop and go will result in accidents. And it might be your unlucky day. Where I’m from in Minnesota, we have an old saying: “There are two seasons: ‘winter’ and ‘road construction,'” meaning that the traffic is just always bad. Which leads us to …

8. Road rage. Road construction and inclement weather both require people to drive slowly, which can turn even the calmest mind into a raging bear. It’s like sitting in the longest line in the world, and you have no control over when you’ll be out of it. People lose it.

9. The hotels along the way. Road trips longer than ten hours (longer for you hard-core trekkers) generally require you to stay a night somewhere. The trouble is that no one wants to deal with the traffic (or upcharge) of venturing into a city when the whole point is to “make good time” (i.e. sleep and get back on the road). Whether you plan your night in the boondocks in advance or just pull over at any decent-looking motel, the result is about the same, and it’s not pretty. Keep in mind, the remote is the filthiest thing …

10. “Hell is other people.” Jean-Paul Sarte said it best (in French) in his classic play, No Exit: “Hell is other people.” His play features three people in a room with no way out. They discuss their lives, decide they hate each other, decide they forgive each other, then hate each other again, and so on and so forth with no forseeable end. What could be worse? Put them in a car.
Other than that, road trips are fine.

Top Ten All-Time Scariest Travel-Themed Movies

by Annie Scott on

Halloween is a-comin’. In the mood for some scary movies? So are we! That’s why we’ve made a list of the Top Ten All-Time Scariest Travel-Themed Movies for you. Don’t worry, we won’t spoil the endings, just give you the gist and the Netflix links. Watch at your own risk; you may never travel again.

The Top Ten All-Time Scariest Travel-Themed Movies

1. The Exorcist — It all goes to Hell (somewhat literally) when Father Merrin is leading an archaeological dig in Iraq and pulls Pazuzu out of the sand. Be careful what you dig up on your trips to ancient cities!

2. Psycho — Gadling does not recommend the showers at the Bates Motel.

3. The Shining — This Kubrick classic starring Jack Nicholson takes place in a hotel which gets snowed in for the winter. All hotel hallways have a similar look to them, and all will feel a little more dangerous when you’ve seen what little Danny sees.

4. The Strangers — The most recent scary flick on our list (2008) stars Liv Tyler and Australian supermodel Gemma Ward. You know that isolated vacation home, or perhaps cabin, that you long to escape to? Watch this first. (Or don’t.)5. Texas Chainsaw Massacre — Oh my gosh, people. Don’t pick up hitchhikers, and don’t enter strange houses in isolated towns where you’re investigating graveyard vandalism and corpse defilement. This is Not Getting Killed 101.

6. The Descent — Spelunking is cool and all, with the stalactites, stalagmites and fascinating species of animals who’ve evolved to live underground, but first, find out what the name of the cave is …

7. The Hills Have Eyes — If someone invites you on a road trip and you don’t want to go, pop this 1977 Wes Craven hit into their mailbox. They may reconsider.

8. Hostel — Ah, backpacking. It’s all fun and games until you visit the wrong hostel. Just remember: if you’re abroad and someone invites you somewhere promising loose women and good times, you are not that good looking. Run for your life.

9. Vacancy — Kate Beckinsale and Luke Wilson may not be your idea of a good horror film duo, but the concept of this movie will freak you out next time you visit an isolated hotel with no cell reception — oh yeah, and, you probably shouldn’t do that.

10. The Blair Witch Project — Ten years later, we are still laughing about the one sentence review: “Three potty mouths in a thicket.” Still, if investigating local ghost stories or taking extensive hikes is part of your regular vacation fare, make sure you’ve seen this cult favorite.

You’ll note that in all cases, we’ve linked the originals, not the remakes. That wasn’t an accident. Just sayin’.

Happy Halloween!