Ten products to avoid when passing through airport security

by Scott Carmichael on

The Transportation Security Administration spends millions of Dollars each year trying to inform airline passengers what to leave at home, and how to safely pack things.

We should all know by now that liquids come with restrictions, and that swords and other dangerous items will be taken away from you.

Now, these guidelines can be a little vague, so we have compiled ten products that will probably get you in trouble at the airport. Remember, this isn’t an open invitation to taunt the TSA!


The TSA absolutely loves offensive T-Shirts. And by “loves”, I mean hates.

Nothing is more entertaining at the airport checkpoint than a really insulting t-shirt. In fact, they love them so much, that they may have airport cops arrest you, and force you to wear a different shirt.

Yes – the T-Shirt picture above is real, and there is indeed a real site where you can order it. It’s just one of many really offensive shirts being sold at tshirthell.com. $19 will get you your very own very offensive shirt, and a chance at being Tasered at the airport.

Pick the blue wire

Harmless alarm clock, or surefire way to get pushed up against a wall with your legs spread. You feeling lucky enough to try and find out? (On sale at Amazon.co.jp for just under 3000 Yen).

This is actually an alarm clock that requires you to disarm it by plugging the wires in using a sequence shown by lights. It is made for people who have a bit of a hard time waking up in the morning.



Make your own bomb guides

Here is one that doesn’t cost anything more than a couple of pages of printouts.

If your bag is being searched, and the agent comes across a stack of “make your own bomb” guides, do you think you will a) make your flight or b) not make your flight. (Hint, pick B).

Dirty bomb emergency kit

I’m sure you could come up with 20 different reasons why you are carrying a dirty bomb nuclear decontamination kit in your luggage.

Sadly, none of those reasons will help get you back to the US mainland, and it is a really long swim from Gitmo. (Image from Nukepills.com, where this handy kit sells for $249.99).


Personal doomsday detonator

To you, this is just a 4 port USB Hub, to Mr. Officer, this is a bomb detonator.

If they find this, don’t make any sudden moves, and whatever you do, don’t flip the cover open to press the detonator button. (On sale at Thinkgeek.com for $39.99)


Designed for a really explosive wakeup call

I’m not an X-Ray specialist, so I have no idea how this will show up on the TSA screens. But somehow, I don’t think they’ll find it as funny as we do.

This is obviously a gag gift, so if you want to really piss someone off, gift wrap it, and tell them to open it once they reach their destination.

Yes sir – I’m just naturally curious about radiation and dirty bombs

Unless you have a student ID showing your related studies or an employee badge for a national lab, you’d better have a great story for the screener that finds these books.

They may look like harmless reading material to you and I (and they are), but $10 says any number of these titles will get you pulled aside for some extra special screening.

The fake grenade USB memory drive

These USB hand grenades probably won’t look too authentic on the X-Ray machine, but they’ll sure make for a funny gag when your bag is being searched.

And by funny gag, I mean pain in the ass. Security personnel don’t take too kindly to fake grenades, and if you catch them on a bad day, you may end up being involved in a terminal scrub. Other things to avoid are grenade replicas or disarmed grenades.


Nothing says “strip search” faster than rubbing bomb making products on your belongings

Ever had your belongings “swabbed”? The security agent will rub your laptop or other item with a swab, then stick it in an expensive machine that says “ping”.

At least, in most cases it should say ping, because when that red light starts flashing, it’s telling them you have bomb residue on the item. Know someone with a heart condition? Don’t borrow one of their patches to rub it all over your laptop. It’ll end badly for everyone involved.

Jacket + wires = fighter jet escort

It was back in 2004, back when everyone was a little more security aware than they are today. A Saudi woman was on board Delta Airlines flight 43, on its way to the US when it got flanked by fighter jets, diverted and forced to land. All because of a jacket with a couple of wires.

To the untrained eye, it looked like a suicide bomb jacket, to everyone else, it was just a winter coat with internal warming pads. Or how about airline passenger/tech student Star Simpson back in 2007 – her art project/fashion statement also combined wires, lights and batteries, and it nearly got her shot at Boston Logan airport. Of course, this idiot was also holding a piece of Playdough, so the combination really could have been a problem.


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Sexologist has carry-on inspected, TSA keeps cool

by Tom Johansmeyer on

Robocop sets off alarms. Of course, this “Robocop” is the nickname sexologist David Steinberg has for an 8-inch solid brass sex toy. Even a TSA official could see that one coming. This device was stored safely at home, but Steinberg’s bag of goodies still attracted inspector attention at the airport in Seattle.

For once, it may have been prudent to respond, “No,” when asked if the security official could inspect the contents of the bag.

An older, serious women had to sift through nipple clamps, a butt plug, condoms, personal lubricants and other implements of Steinberg’s trade. Truly a committed professional, her facial expression did not change during the entire ordeal. Some of the other passengers working their way through security took notice, undoubtedly thinking that these are the very devices the TSA uses if it summons you into one of those “special” rooms for a more thorough search.

Most of these professional tools are deemed fine for the flight, though a whip with a 6-inch metal handle doesn’t pass the test. The security guard claims it’s a weapon, probably not realizing that that isn’t its intent. I guess it could be used as one, though the owner correctly describes it as a toy (conveniently omitting the word “adult” from the exchange).

Encouraged by the suggestion that he check it as a separate piece of luggage, Steinberg dashed over to the ticket agent to make his move. She was a bit more aware of the device but declined an offer of explanation. The whip was checked successfully, and Steinberg went on his way.

So, the next time you pack your carry-on, remember to consider the contents carefully. Steinberg’s a comfortable pro, but you may not be ready to have your belongings put on display.

TSA detains man for carrying cash

by Jeffrey White on

It’s not often that you get to here the truculent questioning of our fine officers from the Transportation Security Administration, but traveler Steve Bierfeldt managed to surreptitiously record an encounter with the TSA when he was detained in St. Louis.

What was he detained for? Carrying $4,700 in cash.

If you watch this video, you’ll hear about 2 minutes of back-and-forth between TSA personnel and Bierfeldt in a windowless detention room in the St. Louis airport. The TSA wants to know what Bierfeldt does for a living and why he’s carrying that kind of cash. All Bierfeldt asks in reply is whether he’s legally required to answer those questions. The audio leaves off with personnel telling Bierfeldt that he’s being taken downtown to a regional Drug Enforcement Agency office for further questioning.

Fox New’s Freedom Watch, of course, jumps on this like Oprah on a buffet line, flashing a picture of the 25-year-old Bierfeldt and asking, “Is this the face of a terrorist?”

Why was he carrying $4,700? Turns out Bierfeldt was working for an organization called Campaign for Liberty and was returning from a local fundraiser carrying the proceeds from book sales, ticket sales and other merchandise.

Missouri is one of the only states in which law enforcement maintains that the Campaign for Liberty is a terrorist militia group.

Good TSA news: fewer SSSS victims. Bad TSA news: more gate searches

by Scott Carmichael on

The TSA giveth, and the TSA taketh away. Never has that been more clear than with the way the agency deals with pulling people aside for a secondary search.

For years, some random and usually incorrect computer algorithm would pick victims for its “secondary security screening selectee” program. The dreaded “SSSS” on your boarding pass would mean someone at the checkpoint would yell out for a secondary search, and would pull you aside for a thorough screening.

Thing is, the whole scheme was broken, and scores of people would end up on a secret list of terror suspects, without any obvious way of being removed. Back in February, the new administration voted to fix the system, which should mean fewer people would be harassed at the checkpoint.

Of course, the whole thing also meant more of the agencies workers joined the “Thousands Standing Around”. So, in order to protect our airlines from potential terrorists, the agency is stepping up its gate screening activities.

Obviously not content with screening passengers once, you now run the risk of a random search at the gate, before you board your flight. A similar system was in place right after 9/11, but ended after a couple of years.

The new scheme does not make much sense, especially for passengers who walk from the checkpoint to the gate, only to be screened again. In their usual “scare people” response, the TSA reply is that this gate screening takes place because “security is our No. 1 priority”.

Some aviation consultants theorize that the increased screening is taking place because airline workers are not always screened, and may be able to pass weapons on to passengers. Of course, the logical solution would be to step up the screening efforts of airline workers, instead of harassing passengers. Especially when baggage handlers can steal computers and guns, and even TSA screeners are not always to be trusted, it would make more sense to screen everyone, and not just passengers.

TSA to test encrypted boarding passes

by Jeffrey White on

Can any moron make a fake boarding pass? Some security analysts say so, and the Transportation Security Administration seems to be taking that threat seriously.

The TSA has announced that beginning this year it will test encrypted boarding passes at most of the country’s airports, with an eye to eventually making the paper boarding pass obsolete.

What exactly does this entail? The TSA says it is considering purchasing nearly 2,500 boarding pass scanners (they look like any bar code scanner), which breaks down to roughly one scanner for every airport security checkpoint in the country. At test airports, TSA workers will scan boarding passes with these scanners rather than simply comparing the name on the pass to an ID, reports USA Today.

It is the bar codes on these boarding passes that will be encrypted, making it nearly impossible, in theory, for a terrorist to forge.

This is good news for those travelers out there who rely on mobile devices. If airlines are forced to give up their paper passes for the new encrypted passes, it will usher in for good an era where boarding passes will be e-mailed to your PDA or other mobile device and all you’ll have to show at the airport is a bar code that will be scanned at security.