Fact: Americans love tube steak. Fact: I am wildly amused by the term “tube steak.” Fact: You’re reading SkyMall Monday. This week we solve the age-old problem that has flummoxed chefs, cooks and food preparers for, well, ages: How do I cook a hot dog? It’s a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma on a toasted bun. Thankfully, our favorite catalog has, once again, come to the rescue. Because now we can finally relax our gag relflexes and enjoy all the tube steaks that we can handle. Now we have the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker.
I know what you’re thinking. “But Mike, I can think of several ways to cook a hot dog. Why do I need a device that only serves one purpose and isn’t the least bit necessary or convenient?” Well, sure, I could “think” of ways to do things until I’m blue in the face. But you can’t think a hot dog into my stomach. And as for being convenient, well, that sounds like a made up word. However, I’ll indulge your fantasies and consider these other alleged ways that you could cook a hot dog.
Microwave: Yeah, it’s fast. But if you mistakenly leave your hot dog in there for 20 minutes it will explode. That’s a risk that I’m just not willing to take.
Grill: Nothing says summer like a hot dog with some gorgeous grill marks. But what happens when I want a hot dog in the winter? You expect me to put a jacket on and grill outside? That’s ludicrous.
Boil: Sure, you could boil a hot dog on your stove top. But have you ever drank the leftover hot dog water? It’s terrible! And pouring the used water down the drain just seems so wasteful.
Oven: This seems convenient, but you’re going to need an oven mitt. That’s how they upsell you. Who’s “they?” Shhh, they’re probably listening to us right now.
Campfire: My landlord frowns upon me using this method.
As always, I defer to the sage masters who provide us with the product description:
Operating much like a pop-up toaster, this unique kitchen appliance lets you easily prepare two hot dogs (complete with toasted buns) in minutes. Its 660-watt electronic heating coil has time settings for heating hot dogs and buns to your taste preference. Crumb basket removes for cleaning.
All of the other cooking methods that I listed above allow you to cook a seemingly unlimited number of hot dogs at one time. The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker can only handle two hots dogs and buns, so now you don’t have to worry about portion control. It’s taken care of for you. Plus, you’re middle child will finally get the hint that you don’t like him when he sees that there’s just no hot dog for him to eat.
See, as usual, I’m right. You need the Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. You need to stop using logic and reason. You need to pass the relish.
Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.