Gadling

With summer in full effect, everyone is hyper-sensitive about how they look. It’s been one of the hottest summers in decades, which means skimpier clothing and lots of time spent in bathing suits. And that means exposed skin and – sadly – exposed flaws. From beer bellies to muffin tops to hot dogs on the backs of people’s necks, fat rears its ugly head in numerous unflattering ways. I’m not talking about adults who have let themselves go. No, I’m talking about kids who have hit the Dunkaroos just a little too hard. Thankfully, we can start nipping those problems in the bud before they ever have a chance to weigh kids down (see what I did there?). Now there’s a way to keep children fit, ripped and juiced up so that they look their best when sliding down the Crocodile Mile. Who do we have to thank for getting our kids in shape? SkyMall, of course. Who else would realize that kids can’t stay healthy simply by playing freeze tag and Red Rover. They need an intense workout regimen that focuses on their glamor areas. You know, arms, abs and butt. The muscles that keep those girls coming back for more than just nap time. They need the Fun & Fitness children’s gym equipment.Everybody knows that kids who like to party are really into GTL. You know, Gymboree, Toilet Training, Lunchables. That’s what keeps them looking good and attracting the attention of all those hotties at the playground. If you’re gonna look like a gorilla juicehead in your Ed Hardy kids wear, you need to be huge. All the more reason to buy the entire Fun & Fitness line of children’s gym equipment.

Fun & Fitness Air Walker

Finally, a Gazelle for children so that Tony Little can yell at someone who also rocks an adorable blond ponytail. Your kid’s calves and butt will firm up in weeks, allowing them to look great in miniskirts and wedges when they hit the birthday party circuit.

Fun & Fitness Weight Bench

No one wants to be that wimpy kid who can’t even get his straw into a pouch of Capri Sun (Author’s Note: Yes, I know that those pouches were hard for everyone – WTF). Little girls like boys who are ripped. Big biceps mean big pushes on the swings.

Fun & Fitness Treadmill

Sure, your kids could simply do what all kids have done since the dawn of time: run around in circles until they are exhausted and dizzy. But where’s the discipline in that? Your children need to be able to monitor their speed, distance and – seriously – calories burned. If your little girl ate too many slices of pizza before bed after a night of partying with Pixy Stix, she has to sweat it all out the next morning before cruising the boardwalk.

Fun & Fitness Stationary Bike

Teaching your children to ride bikes is worthless. They’re just going to fall and cry and tear holes in their Jeans Diapers. Instead, let them track their distance and – again, seriously – calories burned while listening to the latest beats from Kidz Bop.

You could continue to let your kids play games, run around in the backyard and, you know, be children, but then you’d just be an irresponsible parent with well-adjusted offspring. If you want your kids to look good, be popular and get with all the hottest girls in playgroup, then you need to get them them toned and jacked. Juice box abs get the ladies.

So, rather than raising your kids to be losers focused on nonsense like Ring Around the Rosie and math, make sure that they are spending two hours a day pumping foam (you didn’t think the weights were metal, did you?) and running till they work off those Teddy Grahams. If they’re gonna fist pump like little champs, they’ll need to earn it.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.