How to Kiss French Style Sans Tongue

So I read this article on Worldhum all expecting to pick up some great French kissing tips. Perhaps glean some centuries-old secret about how to more adroitly maneuver your tongue to make the whole kissing experience more, well, romantic (I know, sounds kinda wussy, but you never know what you might learn and how certain tips might come in handy…so please no wise-cracks. At least I’m not reading Glamour or something).

Anyway, French kissing as we know it isn’t really what this article is about. And in the end, I’m actually glad that’s that case. Because the article helped confirm one suspicion that I’ve had for some time: that is the whole number of kisses per cheek thing is totally arbitrary. Yup, for years I’ve hung out with French friends, Norwegian friends, Czech friends, American friends who think they’re Czech, and always when you meet the women, there is that moment when you have to do the kiss thing. And I can NEVER remember, is it one, or two, or three kisses? The answer is: it depends.

Here is what the writer, Terry Ward writes about the requisite number of kisses. And keep in mind, this is just France!

It depends on the region… In the southern city of Toulouse, for example, two kisses is the norm, while in some Parisian suburbs you’ll be expected to give four and in the agricultural departement of Aveyron it’s three.

One country and there are four ways to kiss. How messed up is that? If there are any entrepreneurial types out there listening I have an idea. A GPS-based system for telling you which region of which country you are in, and how many kisses are thus required. Maybe the whole apparatus is embedded in your skull and the number is burned onto your retina every time you meet a new girl. Just thinking out loud, people.