The following is the gadling rebuttal to (what is apparently NOT) John Cleese’s Declaration of Revocation. But it took much damn time to write, so I’ll keep it up for fun, anyway. (Note to self: ALWAYS check Snopes with this stuff)
Please feel free to comment (i.e. add your own) below:
“America Purchases Britain. Establishes corporate workplace guidelines for entire country.”
Dear Brits/English/Ye People of the Pretentious Accent,
We assume you’ve read the news that your country has been acquired in a hostile takeover bid by America Inc. We’re happy to have you a part of the America Inc. family, and hope you’ll consider staying with the company. Unfortunately, our accounting department has determined that certain parts of “Britain” or “England” (we’re not sure what the difference is, and we don’t really care) as you used to call it, have proven to be redundant or so inefficient that they warrant immediate divestment or sale. We’ve already received an offer for a place called “Leicestershire”, and are considering either renaming or selling “Bedfordshire”, “Buckinghamshire” , “Northamptonshire” and/or pretty much any place that ends in “shire”. That term has been rightfully copyrighted and licensed by Time Warner Inc. and it’s New Line Cinema, Inc. American subsidiaries.
While we will do our best to hold onto remnants of your once-powerful empire, we regret to say there will likely be serious layoffs in the coming fiscal year. That said, we welcome you to the company, and hope you’ll take advantage of the free bottled water. In the meantime, America Inc.’s human resources department has put together the following workplace guidelines to which all employees of America Inc. will be expected to adhere. These guidelines are as follows:
1. You will heretofore refer to the mechanism that brings you to higher floors in a building as an “elevator”. The term “lift” is simply too ambiguous. You can lift your arms, or a peach, or a cute puppy. The term is worthless and should be changed.
2. We prefer that you no longer use the term “flat” to describe an apartment space. Apartments are not always flat, sometimes they have stairs to other floors, or they tilt a little bit. Again, the term is simply too ambiguous and must be changed.
3. Pudding is a sweet, delicious dessert. It is not a tube of coagulated cow’s blood. Stop calling this disgusting stuff pudding. Bill Cosby would not go on TV to hawk coagulated blood. And for God’s sake, stop eating that crap for breakfast. Try Frosted Flakes instead. Or Fruit Loops.
4. You shall no longer play soccer. It is an absurd sport, about the most boring thing one could ever watch. Worse than golf and the Tour de France put together. In fact, any sport that regularly ends with a score of 1-0 shall hereby be banned. No one should ever be forced to watch a sports event where a team scores just once in three hours. And cricket? My God, are you kidding? Cease playing this ridiculous activity with flat bats, interminable length, and a silly name immediately.
5. Queens are so seventeenth century. Dump yours now, or give her a useful job, like making fish and chips or driving a cab (yes, the term is “cab”, NOT “carriage” or some such anachronism. Get with the times, folks). We hate to be so blunt, but she does nothing worthwhile, is far too wealthy for the little work she does, and (yes, the truth hurts) she is not even pretty. While we neither believe in nor have use for a queen, you better believe that if we did, she’d be hot. For example, depending on the circumstances and viable marketing tie-ins, we might consider “Queen Gwenyth” or “Queen Angelina”. So, to your Queen, as President-to-be-Trump might put it: You’re fired.
6. Please stop adding letters to words that are perfectly good without them. If we are to remain competitive as a company, every second counts. You are simply wasting people’s time by writing “cancelled” instead of “canceled”, “cheque” instead of “check” and “humour” instead of “humor”. Let’s be efficient people!
7. After a survey of the orthodontic records of the British population, we regret to inform you that America Inc.’s dental policy will be suspended or adjusted for all British employees. Our accountants have determined that the cost to the company of fixing the horrendous problems resulting from centuries of dental neglect in Britain are simply too much for the company to bear at this time. We apologize for this inconvenience. If you feel you are in need of dental work, Susie Lyman in HR can refer you to one of our “Extreme Care” (ECP) plans, which unfortunately carry a much higher deductible.
In sum, we once again welcome you to America Inc., and we hope you have read and promise to abide by these guidelines. While we understand you may find some of them onerous or objectionable, we assure you that they have been devised with your own safety and self-betterment in mind. If you choose NOT to abide by these guidelines, you will have thiirty (30) days from receipt of this note to pack up and move to another country of your choice. Among those who might be willing to put up with your bad teeth and soccer hooliganism, we recommend Germany, France, and the Netherlands. Oh, and you might try the Dutch as well.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
America Inc.
—–
Any others? Feel free to add to the comment list!