SkyMall Monday: You Go Girl!

Going to the bathroom on planes is never pleasant. In fact, doing your business anywhere in public can be nerve-wracking. Many public restrooms smell unpleasant and are filthy. Beyond that, there’s the embarrassment caused by the sounds emanating from our behinds and the ensuing odors created by the gastrointestinal festivities. There’s nothing more awkward than emerging from the stall after a particularly loud and aromatic session to find people at the sinks visibly traumatized by the experience. That’s why we only go number two at SkyMall Monday headquarters. We have a soundproof bathroom built two miles below ground inside a mountain. For those of you who didn’t have your facilities designed by a military contractor, SkyMall has just what you need to keep your bathroom business from becoming a public fiasco. The next time you have to use a public restroom to evacuate your bowels, be sure to bring along some You Go Girl!For those of you who think that women neither pass gas nor defecate, it’s time to grow up. All manner of things come out of women’s bodies and some of those events are more odoriferous than others. Unlike men, women do not celebrate the size, shape and pungency of their fecal trophies. In fact, women feel great shame when their number two is loud and noxious. That’s why they need a concealer.

Think that noises made by bodily functions are normal and healthy? Believe that we’re all mature enough to handle naturally occurring events without embarrassment? Well, while you suffocate in a port-o-potty, we’ll be reading the product description:

Reduce bathroom anxiety on airplanes, restaurants or at work with You Go Girl. Just pour a packet into the toilet before use to mask embarrassing odors, dampen sounds and eliminate splash. Biodegradable, phosphate-free formula is safe to flush, and each packet is small enough to carry discreetly in your purse, day bag or pocket, so you can feel confident taking care of business away from home.

Toilet splash is the 84th leading killer of women in public restrooms*. Eliminating this damp scourge is worth the $12.85 for a 10-pack.

Like you, I was baffled by how such a product could not only eliminate odor, but also dampen sounds and eliminate splash. Thankfully, the company has produced an informational video. Even more thankfully, that video utilizes computer animation. I trust that you will see the brilliance of You Go Girl! Of course, men do not need this product. Our farts sound like Lynyrd Skynyrd and smell like fresh baked apple pie.

* Maybe.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Pee Before You Board Your Plane

Tonight I’ll follow in Iva’s foot steps by providing you with news on bowel movements in the world of travel. In case you were still wiping the coal from your eyes when you read that a woman and her flatulence grounded an American Airlines flight headed into Dallas I suggest you go back and re-read the post here. It’s true. It wasn’t that she had uncontrollable gas; it was her trying to cover the malicious odor up by lighting matches. Now what ever gave her the brilliant idea to light matches on planes?

Okay, so now that I’ve got your mind on odors, flatulence and other bodily functions lets talk about peeing on planes. You must be wondering by now what troubles peeing on planes can cause airlines? According to Jaunted, China Southern Airlines is encouraging passengers to take a leak before boarding their flights. Why? Apparently somebody out there had enough time to calculate how much energy is used when you flush and that equals as much as a car driving about six miles. And of course all that flushing is causing tons of energy and money to be wasted when you could have gone before your flight. My question is who thinks of this stuff? Every time I head into a lavatory now I’m going to picture a car driving down a six-mile stretch of some desert like road with yellowish and orange hues of color. Great!

No Lights on Flights

While we’ve undoubtedly helped to clear the air about odor on planes, maybe some of our readers have taken us too seriously. We reported on the passenger who sued the airline for removing him because of his odor; we’ve told you that most U.S. airlines have an odor policy. And we’ve warned you that your plane might be less than fresh. But after the Richard Reid incident, we’d have thought that everyone knows you can’t light matches on planes.

Not everyone has learned the lesson. The AP reported that a Dallas-bound American Airlines flight that was forced to land in Nashville yesterday after the crew smelled burning sulfur. Some matches had been lit by a female passenger in an attempt to conceal a “body odor,” according to the spokeswoman for Nashville’s airport. All 99 passengers and their bags were screened on the ground, and the flight took off once more, but without that passenger, who was detained and questioned by the FBI (but not charged).