SkyMall Monday: Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier

I’m going to be honest with you, many of you disgust me. Seriously, you are gross, impolite, awful people. Not all of you. Just those of you who think it’s perfectly acceptable clip your toenails in public. You know who you are. I’ve seen you on the subway. I’ve heard your clippers in bathroom stalls. Hell, I’ve seen you on airplanes! How do you sleep at night? Nail clipping is a private affair. It should be done in your own bathroom or seated immediately next to a trash receptacle. Any other locations are wrong on both a moral and ethical level. At the SkyMall Monday headquarters (which is shared with Ms. SkyMall Monday and our SkyMall Monday canines), nail clipping is done behind closed doors lest someone lose an eye to shrapnel. Not only do I dislike rudeness, I don’t want to date a one-eyed woman. And certainly not one whose ocular misfortune was caused by her keratin carelessness. Thankfully, SkyMall understands that nail clipping is an activity that must be done whilst one is squirreled away in a bathroom with wan lighting. To keep your cuticles cute, you’ll need proper equipment while you’re in exile. That’s why you need the Lighted Nail Clipper/Magnifier.Let’s start off with a list of places where you should NOT be clipping your nails:

  • On any form of public transportation
  • In your place of business
  • On a couch next to any other human being
  • On a couch when you are alone
  • Near a couch
  • In any room with wall-to-wall carpeting or a thick area rug
  • On a bed
  • Church/synagogue/mosque/any place of worship
  • Movie theater
  • Broadway theater
  • Interpretive dance theater
  • Buses
  • Planes
  • Trains
  • Hot air balloons
  • During any form of surgery
  • 99.9% of places on Earth

With that cleared up, we can move on. If you are going to clip your nails, you want to do so safely. You need proper lighting and adequate views of the nails in question. Biting is never an option. Precision is key. If you think touching the sides while playing Operation is scary, imagine fucking up one of your phalanges. If you think I’m exaggerating, you’re probably gnawing on your toenail as you read this. You’re an animal. Read the product description while I dry heave because of you:

Easily and safely trim your nails with this lighted nail clipper. Quality stainless steel spring loaded cutters for long use and includes batteries for LED light.

Batteries are included. For that alone, it gets the SkyMall Monday Seal of Approval. Throw in the fact that it’s “perfect for seniors and visually impaired” and allows for “smooth, fast, precise trimming,” and you’ll almost look forward to being banished to the bathroom while you trim your nails. Just be careful. I get worried when anything is spring loaded. That sounds like a recipe for eye damage. And you know how I feel about eye damage.

Now that you have the proper tools, there’s no excuse for clipping your nails anywhere near me or any other human being. Do the right thing, people. Clip in private. Clip with precision. Clip with dignity.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

Meet the “Rotel,” the hotel on wheels

Why are hotels so stationary? Wouldn’t it be great if your hotel could travel along with you wherever you go? Apparently there is such a mobile accommodation, and it’s called the Rotel.

Website Jalopnik brings us up to speed on this unique hotel on wheels concept, a fleet of vehicles owned by a German company called Rotel Tours. A quick Google Translation of the company’s website offers some additional details. The “Rotel” concept was pioneered by entrepreneur George Höltl, who wanted passengers to be able to experience the remote corners of the world in a novel adventurous way. The company, which offers lie-flat bed tours of Europe, Africa and Asia, is rumored to have more than 3400 “beds on wheels,” with each vehicle accommodating between 20-40 sleeping passengers. Sleeping bunks on the Rotel are approximately six feet long, three feet wide and three feet high. Not luxurious, but big enough for crashing.

While the idea of traveling by Rotel seems whimsical and fun, it leaves me with a few unanswered questions. How long are you traveling on this thing each day? And wouldn’t it get a bit rank in a vehicle where you’re living in there all the time with 20 strangers? All vehicles are equipped with bathrooms, but unfortunately, no showers. Nothing says good times like a multi-week trip without bathing!

SkyMall Monday: Travel Bidet

Everyone experiences lulls at their job. Work is not always as rewarding as we want it to be. But, from time to time, something happens that reinvigorates us. Something that energizes and excites us about what we do for a living and makes us proud again. I’m experiencing such a resurgence this week. Why? Well, this week’s SkyMall Monday may be the most important ever. Because this week we’re featuring a product that every single person needs to own. A product that may very well solve all of our problems. A product that will cleanse us from the inside out. Yes, my friends, SkyMall once again will purify us and allow us to tackle any obstacle that life puts in our way. I love my job again, people, because I get to share this fantastic information with you. Information that will hit us with a blast of cool, refreshing and disinfecting energy. So, take a seat. Or, even better, squat. Because this week we’re taking a long hard look at the Sanicare Travel Bidet.
We all know how to wipe our own asses (at least I hope so because I shake a lot of hands everyday). But are we really getting clean? I mean, the French clean up using bidets and who are more well known for their hygiene than the French? But a large porcelain plumbing fixture is too cumbersome to take with you. So, how can you inject some water into your filthy backdoor when you’re out and about? Well, just take a look at that picture up there and I think you’ll realize that all of our problems have been solved.

Once again I will rely solely on the product description. The clever plays on words, quotation mark usage and wealth of information will surely convince you that you need this product:

Enjoy the confidence of the fresh and clean feeling of a cleansing bidet wherever you “go”.

See what they did there? Yeah, I’m talking about putting the period outside of the quotation marks. Idiots.

Your Travel Bidet is ready to go, just open the box and install the included AA battery, then when you are ready to use it… “just add water”.

Do I really add water or are the quotation marks insinuating some sort of innuendo?

Traveling means a lot of compromising and unexpected changes from our daily routine. Changes in eating habits, fluid intake, schedules and personal hygiene all affect our comfort level, which can affect our performance and self-confidence in important business and social functions.

And perhaps no change is more unexpected than your new habit of keeping a travel bidet in your briefcase.

Finally, we can all have damp asses and awkward conversations with airport security. It’s about time we as a people cleaned up our acts. And now we can with dignity and pride.

So, if you want to love your job as much as I love mine, start taking a travel bidet with you to work everyday. It may just be the second best injection of liquid into your person you experience all day.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

What makes a good travel companion?

While traveling alone can be rewarding and adventurous, the majority of your travels will include a partner or two. Be it a significant other, friend or family member, you will typically find yourself on a trip with some company. If I’ve learned anything from my travels it’s that your choice of partner can make or break a trip. Not all friends make for good travel companions. You have to choose wisely before inviting someone on a trip with you. So, what makes a good travel companion?

I asked my friends and Twitter followers for their thoughts on the matter and mixed their suggestions in with my own to compile a list of traits that every successful travel pairing should possess. Find someone who fits these criteria and you can be fairly confident that you won’t be ready to kill each other before you even pack your bags.

  1. Be together but alone – At some point on any trip, people will want to do different things. This will either cause a fight because one of you is insecure or create an opportunity for you to split up, enjoy some alone time and keep everyone happy.
  2. Flexibility – Travel can create stressful situations. Plans will change on the fly or new ideas will be discovered. A good travel buddy can roll with the changes and see them as exciting opportunities.
  3. Hygiene – Hey, you’re going to be with this person (potentially in cramped quarters) for days, week or even months. Either you both have to be slobs or you both have to keep clean. Smell together, shower alone.
  4. Spontaneity – The ferry to a remote island that you just learned about departs in five minutes and you leave town tomorrow. This is your only chance. These are the opportunities that require split-second decisions and can create amazing memories.
  5. Extroverts have more fun – Befriending people at hostels, bars or on tours is a great way to change up the travel dynamic. But your friend needs to share your willingness to invite people into your plans. Gadling editor Grant Martin did it with great success.
  6. Shut up – Whether you’re standing at the edge of a cliff admiring the view or on a train after a long day, there are times when you just want some peace and quiet. The company is nice, but knowing when to be silent makes it better.
  7. Similar schedules – If you like to party all night, it gets annoying when your friend always passes out at 9:00pm. And if you want to sleep in, it’s no fun being nudged awake at 5:00am to go on a tour that doesn’t even interest you. There’s no right or wrong schedule for traveling, but you should be able to compromise.
  8. Share responsibilities – If one person is doing all the planning, keeping things on schedule, booking all the flights, buses and hostels while the other person plans to just show up, there’s a good chance resentment will pop up the first time you miss a train. Split up the leg work and share the experience from beginning to end.
  9. Respect – You and your friend can disagree about a lot of things – foods, activities, destinations – but don’t criticize each other. If your friend wants to eat grasshoppers while in Mexico and that grosses you out, let her enjoy the experience without having to hear you gagging in the background.
  10. Cultural sensitivity – If you’ve ever traveled with someone who got into an argument over a language barrier, belittled someone or, in exasperation, yelled out something to the effect of “That’s what’s wrong with these people,” you know how mortifying it can be to apologize for your friend’s behavior. Best to travel with people who can handle cultural differences as well as you can.

Of course, these aren’t the only things that you want to keep in mind when choosing a travel companion, but they’re the biggest concerns. You’ll surely also want a friend who won’t mind if you stop to take lots of pictures or will share their photos with you if you’re not a shutterbug. And it never hurts if you don’t mind sharing a jacket or iPod when someone didn’t pack properly. Compromise and common courtesy go a long way towards keeping the peace.

Picking the right travel partner will ensure that you not only enjoy your trip, but that you will have shared experiences that will strengthen your friendship when the trip is over. I am fortunate enough to have a group of friends that gets along as well on the road as we do at home. We have stories from around the world that will bond us for years to come. If you’re hurting for a good travel buddy, you could always look online. Or not.

Have more suggestions or a story about how you picked the right/wrong travel companion? Please share in the comments. We’d love to hear from you.

SkyMall Monday: Goldfish in a Bag Soap

SkyMall Monday loves kids. We’ve looked after them when their noses bleed and when they are embarrassed by their baldness. But this week we’re not here to solve their problems or help take any pain away. Today we’re going to discuss something that every kid wants. Something that every kid begs his or her parents for. Something that kids cherish and love more than anything else. That’s right. We’re talkin’ hygiene! We’re talking Goldfish in a Bag Soap!

Oh, did you think I was going to say, “pets?” Yeah, I could see how you might have made that mistake. What, with the picture of the fish and the talk of children cherishing things. But what kids really love is a good glycerin soap. Trust me, I’m a 30-year-old single male with a history of short, self-destructive relationships. I know children.

Kids today have short attention spans. They’ll be bored with regular bar soap. Liquid hand soap? Go back to 1988, grandpa! Is that a loofah? Geez, you might as well just ask the kid to bathe with Brussels sprouts. If you really want to connect with your child, then you need to be on the cutting edge. You need Goldfish in a Bag Soap.

Think I’m crazy? Think soap that looks like a goldfish that you won at a carnival from a rigged game run by a bunch of grifters is bizarre? Then read the product description and begin drafting your apology to me:

This looks just like your little pet-except it’s a bar of soap. The more you shower or bathe, the closer you’ll get to the toy goldfish inside.

You see, people?! It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. With each wash, you’ll inch ever closer to the toy goldfish inside! And what happens when you reach it? What fate does this cleansing gift from SkyMall have in store for us? What did I just tell you about it being about the journey?! Geez, it’s like you don’t even pay attention to me.

So, the next time you come home and your kids come running to ask you if you bought them a gift, tell them to close their eyes, hold out their hands and get ready. Then pour some water on those hands, give them the Goldfish in a Bag Soaps and tell them to scrub hard. Kids are filthy.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.