So, you read our little story on the new trend of “liecations”, and you too want to create your own little fake vacation? Well, even though the whole thing is incredibly tacky, and downright stupid, we know the economy is tough, and a trip abroad might not be possible this year.
Of course, the right thing to do is tell people you are staying home, but if the liecation trend is to be believed, there really are people out there that would rather lie than just chill out at home being honest.
To create the perfect liecation, you’ll need to find the perfect balance between plausible lies, and downright pathetic lies. For example – don’t claim you went on a 2 week safari to Kenya. The same applies to a liecation involving Mount Everest. European liecations are easy, as are any liecations in North America.
Before I erase whatever credibility I have – I have never lied about a trip, simply because I have never had the need to. I’ve always been lucky enough to get to my destination, whenever and however I wanted. However, don’t let my honesty get in the way of your devious plan of creating the perfect 2009 liecation.
Picking the right fake destination
As I mentioned earlier – play it safe. Pick a destination with plenty of support for your lie. If you are telling a lie about being just one of 100 tourists a year visiting a remote island, you’ll need a pretty damn good cover story to keep that one going. Europe and North America are simple ones.
If you suck at lying, then you may want to “take a cruise”. Pick a nice 7 day round trip cruise with little or no stops on the way. Virtually every cruise is the same, and if you mention “food and shows”, you’ll have covered almost everything you could have done on your liecation.
Physical evidence of your trip plans
Keep at least one or two suitcases in the hallway after you “return”, leave a guidebook on the table, and if at all possible, find an old ticket wallet as evidence of “your tickets”. Really smart fakers will find a way to print a fake online boarding pass, but since the TSA frowns on that, you are on your own.
Go to Google maps and print maps of everything you “plan to visit”, then leave them lying around the house.
Photos and how they help you lie
Finding or creating photos of a trip that never took place can be tricky. You can pick photos other people made (off Flickr or other sites), but showing your friends 100 pictures without you in it will set off alarm bells. Stick to the basics – photos of food, photos of buildings.
Just remember to keep the weather in mind. Was the weather horrible during the week “you were there”? Then don’t show photos of a nice sunny trip. If you do want to use photos, pick some from deep in the search results – using the first 5 results for “Paris” will get you caught.
If you put the photos on your PC – rename them, you don’t want people catching you because they found the same file name from others. Don’t upload photos as your own to the Internet – that is stealing, and the move from liar to thief is one you really need to stay away from.
Pick an “I can’t talk about it” destination
If you want to make your life easier, pick a destination with activities you “can’t talk about”. A great liecation for this could be the Hedonism resort or one of the Mexican beach destinations. Any time someone asks what you did, just give them a glazed look, close your eyes and tell them “too much, just too much”.
Details are your enemy
Specific details of your trip will either kill your lie, or keep it going. Did you “visit” a museum? Check online to be sure it was actually open. Don’t give a 20 minute lecture on the museum you “visited” unless you know your stuff really well.
The Internet is a quick and easy place to find support for your lies. A quick trip to Weather.com and Wikipedia will get you up to date on almost everything you need to know to create your liecation.
Eat lots and lots of unhealthy food
If you went on an all-inclusive vacation or a cruise, you’ll have a hard time convincing people you really left the country if you come back looking skinny.
Before you start your week long liecation at home, stock up on lots and lots of bad food. A pint a day of your best friends Ben and Jerry will be a good start.
Let this also be a reminder to do groceries before you start your trip. Running into friends at the local store when you are supposed to be in Hawaii is a real deal breaker.
Saying “hi’ from your “destination”
Technology is on your side here – it isn’t hard to send out greetings, tweets and emails from around the world, without actually leaving your liecation headquarters. Want people to think you are in France? Find yourself a French webmail service, sign up, and send emails to your friends. You’ll need to be able to read or translate the site in order to sign up, but before you know it, you’ll be emailing people from your bigfatliar@ French webmail account.
Remember to stay away from any social networking services when there is a time difference. Your whole story will be busted if you are Twittering from “Sydney” at 3am “local time”. If you do screw up – lie some more, and say you just left the bar.
Got some REALLY nerdy friends you may need to deceive? Find a nice foreign proxy server and send your mail through that, or use a web mail service that doesn’t reveal your location.
Souvenirs say it all
You really don’t need tacky crap for your friends, but family members may be expecting something special from your destination. Thankfully, sites like Ebay are full of people who were given tacky crap, and put it up for sale.
For about $9, you can order an ugly Eiffel Tower key chain and $20 will get your some clogs or a piece of Delft Blauw porcelain to remind people of your lovely “trip to Holland”.
Relics from your trip to other countries could be as simple as some stickers or junk from an antique store.
Remember the guy at the place, doing the thing? That was awesome! Create a couple of fun an
ecdotes, so you can think back to all the fantastic memories of the trip you never took.
Keep your stories straight
Did you “visit” your vacation destination with a friend, family member or partner? Get your stories straight. It starts with silly details like the hotel, what you did and things you saw. Don’t try and synchronize 100’s of false details, you’ll only increase the chance someone calls you out for being the fraud you are.
If you have to describe your vacation to someone with the knowledge to uncover your dark truth, you may have to resort to the “explosive diarrhea” excuse – once you start talking about that horrible case of the exploding runs, most people won’t dig any further into your trip report.