SkyMall Monday: Spa Teddy Bear

I stay pretty active when I’m not holed up in the SkyMall Monday headquarters testing products. If I’m not wrestling tigers, dog sledding or setting an orphanage on fire saving orphans from a burning building, I’m nursing my aching muscles. Living an active life leaves me sore and in need of comfort. But, sadly, I live alone in the SkyMall Monday headquarters and there’s no one to help nurse me back to health. Sure, I could go to a spa and pay someone for a massage, but that would require leaving my home and interacting with human beings. That just sounds taxing. No, I need something that will soothe me physically and spiritually while catering to my debilitating social anxiety disorder.

Thankfully, SkyMall understands that even us agoraphobic social pariahs need muscle relief. They know that we need warm hugs from soulless creatures who won’t feed our insecurities. They know that we need a plush toy that will be there when the rest of the world has turned their backs on us and labeled us “weird” or “not allowed near schools.” They know that we need a stuffed animal that we can put in the microwave and then rub on our naked bodies. They know that we need the Spa Teddy Bear.Look, not all of us have friends or lovers who will rub our bodies and release the stress of a hard workout or cathartic cry. Some of us need to turn to the only things that truly understand us: plush toys. Even those people who have been shunned by normal society and have sought solace in the inanimate love that dare not speak its name deserve to find muscle relief and reduction in swelling. The Spa Teddy Bear is there when the everyone else is not.

Perhaps you’re one of those people who think that stuffed animals are just for kids and have no business providing comfort to adults with sore muscles. That’s just intolerant. People like you make me sick. But, I’ll indulge your close-mindedness and let the SkyMall product description explain to you just how normal it is to find comfort in the warm embrace of a plush toy:

When everyone else leaves you cold, you will always have Hot Teddy, also known as Buddy D. Bear to give you an endless supply of cuddles. Just warm him up in the microwave and then get ready for some good hugging. Or if you are nursing a fever, chill him in the freezer and he will give you a cool, soothing hug.

You may have a wife, but can she fit in the microwave? I didn’t think so. And for you ladies whose flows may be heavier than others, Buddy D. Bear “can even ease away monthly cramps.” I bet your boyfriend can’t do that. And when that boyfriend is sleeping with your younger, less menstruating sister, “Hot Teddy makes a great bedtime cuddle bear.

So, rather than try to cram that mail-order Russian bride into the freezer, why not let the Spa Teddy Bear do all that hard work for you? Whether he’s fresh from the microwave or chilled after “at least four hours” in the freezer, he’ll always smell like clove, cinnamon and eucalyptus. Your mail-order Russian bride will just smell like herring and packing tape.

And, if you and Buddy D. Bear decide to take things to the next level, his outer cover is washable. But before you consummate your love, be sure to let him cool. That microwave can make things hotter than you’re ready to handle.

So, stop judging those of us who are alone and instead help us treat those third-degree burns on our privates. You might just help us build our first real inter-personal relationship.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: NECKpro Traction Device

Neck pain is no laughing matter. Unless the pain was caused by a slip on a banana peel. That’s hysterical. Otherwise, neck pain is a serious issue that needs to be combated aggressively. You’ve probably treated your neck pain with pills, creams, ointments, salves, massages and wine. Well, you’re a moron. By now you should know that the solutions to all of life’s problems can only be found in SkyMall. So, this week SkyMall Monday is here to dominate neck pain with the NECKpro Traction Device.

For years, you could only find traction devices in hospitals and they had to be operated by trained medical technicians with degrees and “expertise.” The masses were denied the ability to ratchet their spines in directions that defy normal human physiology. But no longer. The NECKpro Traction Device allows you to comfortably* sit in your own home and pull your head clear off of your torso. Thoughts of your neck pain will disappear as you instead focus on the chafing on your chin.

Need more convincing that the NECKpro Traction Device is the premiere cervical traction device on the market? Well, let’s check out the product description:

The NECKpro over-door cervical traction device, eliminates the bag of water or weights and the trial and error method of traction therapy offered by conventional home over-door cervical traction systems.

Did you know that other cervical traction devices rely on bags of water to apply the tension? Did you even know that there were other cervical traction devices? Me neither! But why use bags of water when you can just hang the NECKpro Traction Device over your door and pull on a string while your kids cheer you on?

You’ll be thrilled to learn that the NECKpro Traction Device comes fully assembled and “is the perfect travel companion.” Sure, it’s nice to have your significant other or favorite vibrator with you on a trip. But when it comes to companionship, those pale in comparison to the NECKpro Traction Device. I mean, can a vibrator relieve the pain associated with fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis or cervical radiculopathy? I think I’ve made my point.

Show your neck pain who’s boss with the NECKpro Traction Device. It’s about time you took back your dignity.

* You will not be comfortable.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.