SkyMall Monday: Sand Names Print

by Mike Barish on

Times are tough. The economy is still struggling and the holiday season makes our bank accounts hemorrhage money. I’ve even had to make cuts at the SkyMall Monday headquarters. I’ve stopped purchasing a new King-sized bed every three months and found a new way to sleep comfortably. Everyone’s budgets are tight and discretionary income is hard to find. It’s difficult to take women out on dates, let alone impress them with opulent gifts and vacations. So how do you survive these trying fiduciary times and not let the winter doldrums leave you feeling defeated and alone? How can you let people know that you’re not only surviving the financial crisis but thriving in it? How can you do all of these things while handsomely adorning your home? Well, you should know by now that you can do all of these things by turning to the ol’ SkyMall catalog. Save your money, don’t get on your employer’s bad side by taking vacation days and don’t seek comfort in the supportive embrace of a loved one. Instead, pretend to do all of these things by showing off your Sand Names Print.Your friends, family and coworkers will think that you’re living a storybook life when they see that you and someone very special not only went on a tropical vacation but proclaimed your love for one another in the permanence of sand. They’ll never know that you simply chose a random name (or, more likely, the name of that bitch in high school that turned you down when you asked her to the Winter Ball) and had it digitally inserted into a photograph. You’ll be able to hold your head high knowing that all the money you would have spent on dates, jewelry and gifts for a girlfriend is instead being invested in Mountain Dew and sweet shirts.

Don’t believe that simply ordering a fake vacation photo replaces the experience of traveling with a loved one and preserving your moment of tender declarations? Where’s your sense of whimsy? I suppose I can indulge your cold, dead heart by sharing the product description with you:

No wave will ever remove this memory. Showcase your love for each other with this personalized within the sand heart.

No wave will ever remove this memory because no wave was actually involved in it. But that’s just semantics. Who needs waves or sand or human interaction when you have the largest pornography collection in the tri-county area, right? Relationships are for suckers, Vacations are for the lazy. You’re too clever for all of that nonsense.

So, the next time someone asks you how you’re managing in this economy, point to your framed Sand Names Print and tell them, “Mind your own business, jerkface!” Then open your Double Umbrella and tell them about your fancy model girlfriend who they’ve never met because she lives in Canada.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Telekinetic Obstacle Course

by Mike Barish on

I considered sending this week’s SkyMall Monday directly to your brains rather than posting it here on Gadling. I mean, the human brain is so powerful that surely I can transmit messages to you directly by simply focusing my energy towards that goal. I bend all of my own spoons that way. However, I realized that I would never be able to “speak” with you telepathically through the foil helmet that I wear to keep other people’s messages from reaching me. It’s a bit of a Catch 22. So here I am writing SkyMall Monday yet again and wasting my brain power. Not that SkyMall and all of its goodness are in any way, shape or form a waste of our minds. But I do feel as if I am failing to utilize my brain’s full potential. Thankfully, SkyMall has stepped up to help us all harness the tremendous power of our most fantastic organ. No, we won’t be speaking telepathically or helping paraplegics to interact with the world around them using only their brains. No, SkyMall has eschewed those trivial matters and chosen to address the single greatest problem facing the world today: boredom. Finally, we can battle our free time by playing a game that requires only the sheer force of our brains. Because we now have the Telekinetic Obstacle Course.For centuries, man has confronted boredom with nothing more than our hands. We’ve had to play foolish games like Patty Cake, Cat’s Cradle and Hand Vagina (NSFW). These were foolish trifles that embarrassed us all. Were we not capable of more? Certainly, we were. But we didn’t know how to reach our true potential. So we idled away the time by convincing ourselves that slapping each other was amusing. And when that wasn’t enough, we created games that completely forbid the use of hands in a desperate attempt to consider ourselves as evolved. But now, we’ve finally solved the problem of how to kill time without using any of our appendages.

Think I’m exaggerating just how important this development is? Well, it’s a good thing that you can’t read my mind right now because I’m calling you all sorts of names. See if you can wrap your puny minds around the SkyMall product description:

This is the game that uses your focused brain waves to maneuver a ball through an obstacle course…As you relax and concentrate, the headband sends a wireless signal (based on your mental commands) to the game’s air fan, which increases or decreases its speed, suspending or lowering a foam ball through one of eight obstacles, including hoops, teeter-totters, baskets, or chutes.

Oh, this is the game that uses my focused brain waves. I thought that was Guess Who. And it’s about time someone created a game that involved chutes. Am I right?

So, seclude yourself in your all-white room, relax and concentrate. No need to use your hands or even invite over a friend. All you need is your mind. And that headband. And apparently a teeter-totter. We’ve evolved.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Transparent Canoe

by Mike Barish on

You wouldn’t suspect that the world’s preeminent authority on all things SkyMall would be an adventure travel enthusiast. You probably assumed that I just sit in the SkyMall Monday headquarters in a lab coat kick-ass sweatshirt looking in the mirror and calling myself the preeminent authority on all things SkyMall. But, I do get out into the world and attack it with more vim and vigor than a 14-year-old girl at a screening of “Twilight.” I’ve raced camels in the Moroccan desert, jumped out of airplanes and eaten at a Waffle House at 3:30am. I’ve risked my life. I like staring death in the eye and waiting to see who blinks first (Hint: It’s me, but only because my contact lenses get dry). In other words, I’m not one to shy away from danger. In fact, I like to see the perils that surround me so that I can flip them off and disparage their mothers as I conquer them with ease. That’s why I’ve always been frustrated by the opaque nature of my adventure vehicles. Planes, cars and boats only have windows. How can I moon danger through a tiny window? Leave it to SkMall to understand this very specific problem. They understand that I must envelop myself in danger. That’s why I am thrilled that I can finally taunt all the risks that await me when I’m on the water in my new Transparent Canoe.Sure, canoes are small vessels and seeing 360-degrees around you involves little more than minimal neck movements. But, if you crane your neck too much while attempting to sleep with danger, you could wind up treating massive spinal cord injuries. Save yourself the anguish and just look down. No, not at your junk, perve. At the menagerie of sea creatures that would love to eat your junk. You can see them all through the hull of your transparent canoe.

Think you can see right through my attempts to sell you on this amazing product? Well, it’s so clever that it’s more than just a transparent canoe. Just take a look at the product description:

This canoe-kayak hybrid has a transparent polymer hull that offers paddlers an underwater vista unavailable in conventional boats.

What makes this canoe a kayak? I assume the kayak part is invisible, so we can’t tell. Isn’t that amazing? If you can’t see how much you need this boat, it’s because its amazingness is also transparent. Did I just blow your mind? Good!

So, the next time you see me out on the water, don’t be surprised when I’m gesturing wildly towards my crotch and yelling, “I don’t care how big you are, sea snake! I own you!” I’m just yelling at the wildlife below my transparent canoe. Because I dominate danger.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: SkyRest Travel Pillow ACTUAL REVIEW

by Mike Barish on
Over a year ago, I reviewed the SkyRest Travel Pillow for SkyMall Monday. It was the fourth product ever to get the SkyMall Monday treatment. In retrospect, it should have been first, as it is perhaps the most iconic SkyMall product ever. You proved that in our SkyMall Monday reader poll by voting it the Gadling reader favorite. In response to your overwhelming support of the SkyRest Travel Pillow, I vowed to give it a proper hands-on review. And I am proud to say that I have done just that. Earlier this month, I flew from LaGuardia to Ft. Lauderdale with the SkyRest to see just how comfortable it is. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a very special SkyMall Monday. Here is my actual review of the SkyRest Travel Pillow.

I should start by noting that I am a champion sleeper on all moving vehicles. No drugs. No pillows. Just my iPod, my “Sleep” playlist and, well, that’s it. I often fall asleep before takeoff. I’ve slept on Cessnas. I’ve slept in window seats next to the engine. I’ve slept in 4WD trucks on unsealed roads. So, using a pillow as a sleep aid is something of a foreign concept to me. That said, I approached the SkyRest with an open mind and vowed to put it to a proper test.

The SkyRest is inflatable, and when deflated it packs down to a relatively small size. I say relatively, because when it’s inflated, it’s big. But I’ll get to that momentarily. While it won’t take up a significant amount of room in your luggage, it won’t slip into a pocket either. If you are a casual or business traveler who isn’t overly concerned about minimizing the size of your gear, then the SkyRest’s deflated size shouldn’t be an issue. If you’re a backpacker, however, it will probably take up too much real estate no matter how much you compact it.

Inflation of the SkyRest is remarkably quick and easy. The valve prevents air from escaping while you are inflating the pillow, which helps you avoid the two steps forward, one step back drama that comes with inflating many pillows or sleep pads. Despite it’s immense size (again, we’re getting to that), the pillow fully inflates in under a minute. That is not an exaggeration. In one minute, the SkyRest goes from an awkwardly folded amorphous blob to a fully inflated travel pillow. And I was neither lightheaded nor winded upon completion.

Now, about the size. It is big. I mean, really big. It’s 14″ wide, 12″ deep, 11″ high in the front and 17″ high in the rear. Even Jenna Jameson thinks it’s big. The instructions make a point of recommending that you sit in a window seat to avoid blocking your seatmates from getting to the aisle. I defied this logic and booked my normal aisle seat on the flight to Ft. Lauderdale. I’m a jerk, but we’re not reviewing my behavior. We’re testing the SkyRest.

When I inflated it on my flight south, I felt compelled to warn my neighbors in advance. “Hi, I’m, um, about to inflate a very large travel pillow. It’s really big. If you need to get by me, you may want to do that now.” The man next to me nodded and then asked if he could squeeze past me. He never returned. He actually changed seats before even seeing the fully inflated pillow.

The pillow quickly inflated and I rested it on my knees. Depending on your height and preferred sleeping position, you can balance the pillow on your knees or the tray table. The SkyRest is quite comfortable and, since it’s inflatable, you can adjust the firmness to your liking. The angled top resembles a human buttocks, but don’t let that deter you from resting your head on it. The microfiber texture is soft and smooth, so there is no risk of chafing. There is, however, a real risk of being mocked. And stared at. People were looking (and giggling) at the SkyRest and me as if I had six heads.

I attempted to sleep with the pillow on both of my flights and found that the act of leaning forward to sleep just wasn’t for me. I tend to sleep on planes (and trains, automobiles and hovercrafts) in an upright position. Healthy or not, it’s what is comfortable for me. I found leaning forward with the SkyRest for any length of time placed undue strain on my neck and upper back. Thus, the SkyRest did not provide me with much comfort. Eventually, I had to deflate the pillow and stow it away to allow myself to actually get some sleep in my normal seated position.

That said, several people on both of my flights expressed that they preferred to sleep on planes while leaning forward. Once they got over the immense size of the SkyRest, they were open to the idea of a travel pillow that wasn’t simply a neck support. They seemed willing to perceive the SkyRest not as a novelty, but as a real alternative to traditional travel pillows. And, I completely agree with them.

Everyone’s sleep habits are different. The SkyRest Travel Pillow isn’t for me. But it’s for someone. For lots of people, actually. Assuming, of course, that those people also have plenty of room in their luggage, an affinity for being stared at and own garish Hawaiian shirts.*

* I do not own a Hawaiian shirt, so I made sure to wear my loudest shirt in an attempt to replicate the proper SkyRest experience. I hope I met your expectations.

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.

SkyMall Monday: Branding Irons

by Mike Barish on

I lost my meat today. It’s gone. Don’t mourn its loss. No, this is no time for sorrow. When a man’s meat is pilfered by a no-good poacher, well, that there’s a time for revenge. Time spent cryin’ is time spent dyin’. That’s what my grandpappy used to say. He was shot in the head while cryin’. Damn shame. But back to my meat. I reckon my neighbor done gone and pilfered it. I can’t be having meat just up and disappearin’ from the SkyMall Monday headquarters ranch. I’m gonna up and get me a posse and we’re gonna show that varmint a thing or two about manners. You can’t take a man’s meat and not expect consequences. He has my meat and that meat will be my meat again by sundown tomorrow. He’ll see that when you mess with a man’s meat, you mess with his biggest organ. I’m talking, of course, about his soul. That’s the heart of a man’s meat. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, right, my missing meat. Yeah, I can’t have my neighbor thinking he can just take my meat and claim it as his meat. So, from now on, I’m going to make sure that every man, woman and child knows that my meat belongs to me and me alone. How am I gonna do that? Ha, I’m a rascally cowpoke. I went down to the general store SkyMall catalog and purchased me one of them there customized Branding Irons.You see, if you don’t put your name on your meat, then any man can go ahead and call it his meat. That’s meat anarchy. My pa moved the family out here when I was just a wee one so that we could have a better life. If he knew that people were just snatchin’ up meat like it was a whore at the saloon, well, he’d probably just up and get himself a whore at the saloon. And then he’d brand her with these branding irons. And then he’d eat a steak. I miss pappy.

And if you think that I’m just some crazy fella who’s ramblin’ on about meat and whores, well, then you have another thing comin’. You see, those rootin’ tootin’ snake oil salesmen over at that there SkyMall catalog have a thing or two to say about these branding irons. Go on and take a look-see:

Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef!

Pride. That’s a word my grandpappy’s pappy took seriously. He used to brand everything he owned. And he was damned proud of it. I know because my grandpappy had a brand on his backside that says, “My pappy’s proud of me.” And my pappy has a brand on his keister that reads, “Proud Parent of a Vanderbilt Elementary School Honor Student.” Yeah, I was real good at the book learnin’. I’m proud of that. That’s why I branded my Trapper Keeper.

Well, I reckon I best be moseying along now. I have some meat to brand and some whores errands to do. But you remember what I said today, partner: Keep your damn hands off my meat!

Check out all of the previous SkyMall Monday posts HERE.